Death of an abusive parent

Thanks again for all of your comments.

I am glad I don't have to talk to my mother again, but I also feel guilty for that. I don't want to wish death on anyone. I just feel relieved since she's gone.

My father died as a result of his addictions to drugs and alcohol. He was abusive to me all my life and was even abusive to me when I took care of him while he was dying.

There were times when I angrily thought "Hurry up and die so I can get the insurance money!" and then would feel awful for thinking such things.

I was a mess when he died. On one hand, I was sad that my father had died. On the other hand, I felt kind of relieved that I don't have to endure his abusive behavior any more and then felt guilty about that.

I still struggle with it. I find myself wishing that he was alive for just a little bit so I can scream at him about what he has done to me. I wish that he was buried in the ground with a regular tombstone so I can vandalize his grave. He is buried in one of those crypt things, so throwing an egg at his grave would only cause it to slide down to the innocent people below.

I wanted to have him have a regular grave so that I can put dog ***** on it instead of flowers.

I wish that I can just let him go and not hold onto his toxic legacy.

I thought that having him die would set me free, but I feel like he's still causing problems from grave even.

i felt nothing - when he died - i thought i should feel bad that i didnt feel anything - didnt cry - i didnt go home for the funeral - i said i didnt have the money to go home when he died - my mum died 6 months before and i went home

i didnt feel anythign then and i dont feel anything now

part of his legacy perhaps ..... emptyness where he should have been

i cant even use the word that describes what he should have been - parent is the closest i can come...........

I am a ship without anchor lost in a foggy sea..... and i feel nothing.

After reading the above thread I know I stumbled onto this page after my search this morning "when an abusive parent dies" for all the right reasons.this morning my closest friend of almost 30 years called to say she is gone. His (adoptive since birth) mother, he is 44 years old, she was 82.

Over the last several days he has been with her at the Hospital, sometimes taking her verbal abuse, other times simply leaving. The Dr.s seeing everything first hand are completely understanding.

It has been the guilt that has eaten him.... I hated that women for what she did to him repeatedly for over 40 years but I also know that he is full of grief, he's finally unburdened, he is now free but he is also very very sad this morning.

If you could help us help you in these times as your friends, what would it be.

""""""""""

I felt nothing when my adoptive father died. I feel pain because I just feel a lot of pain that he put me through when he was alive.
I sit in this wheelchair cause this wheelchair he put me in so I may have some anger but he isn't getting me ever again!
Crew

Raceka. I'm sorry... it must be so hard. It's difficult for me to entirely understand what you're going through, because I was always aware that my mother was a really good, loving Mum most of the time. It was just that her illness took her away at times. Grieving for her was always going to be hard, I grieved for the loving Mum at the same times as feelling tremendous relief that the abusive bully was dead. But then, she also took her own life, and I've always felt responsible.

I know that she really loved us, and for the most part she did so well by us. It makes it easier to cope with the crap. But I think, to a certain extent, even the worst of parents ocasionally gave us a glimmer of hope as a child that they really did love us. Perhaps that's why it was hard for you in therapy. For a moment you were that child who hoped that the parent really did love them, perhaps, once for a moment, they really did manage to show that love. It must hurt like hell to have so little positive to hold onto. I think that's what hurts. What the parent child relationship should be, and what in fact it was. It's hard letting go not just of our parents, but also of our hope that they might change, might in fact be what we always felt in our bones they should be. Because a parent should love a child... and once they're gone, that's it. We can't ever mend that relationship, it's fixed in amber. That hurts.

Both of my abusive parents died 1 1/2 years apart from cancer. My mom died April 2010 and my dad died last October. Dad physically and verbally abused both my brother and myself. Mom was an alcoholic and emotionally abused me, trying to turn me into her "drinking buddy" and ally against my dad.

I knew for about a year that Mom was terminally ill so when she died I was pretty calm about it. I said my goodbyes, picked up the items she wanted to give me and moved on. Dad's death came fairly quickly--he died two months after he was diagnosed. After the initial shock, I first felt like I was now an orphan (even though I'm an adult) and I was sad for a short while. However, now I feel free to talk to my therapist about what they did and how it affected me knowing I'll never face them again. They can't abuse me anymore.

Oddly, when my dad died a few years ago, I did grieve, but mostly for the suffering I saw my mom go through. I cried and mourned. I think I mourned the dad I never had, the dad I could have had, should have had. I mourned an idea more than I mourned the actual person. It does not bother me at all now. I must say I am glad he is dead. Everything, life is so much easier now knowing he is no longer on this earth, and I am finally, peacefully, safe.

My step father died before I reached 18. A brother younger than me, is now a homeless alcoholic, I feel a direct result of the physical and emotional abuse we suffered at the hands of this man. A younger sister that went through therapy, still has flashbacks like I do. Not being anywhere around when he died the thing I felt at the time was no more abuse from him.

I was older, I tried to protect the younger one's, taking blame so they wouldn't be hurt. Still at times I hear their crying in my head all these years later. Just so sad, that a person could create so much lingering pain before their death and long after altering lives like it meant nothing. For me the busier I stayed not allowing much quiete time kept the cries at bay in my head , some things are too painful to deal with even now.
Sorry for you too.

When my mother died, I did grieve, but did not go to her funeral. I do not miss her;
I just miss having a real, normal loving mother. She was mentally ill and we walked on egg-shells around her daily. When I hear a song praising a really wonderful mother;
that can bring tears to my eyes; since I never had normal in my young life.

I tried very hard with my own children overcoming the mistakes she had made with
me and my siblings. I never, never wanted to be anything like her...and it has been self decipline to do what you know is right instead of what you experienced.

I wish I had come across this post earlier.

I lost my abuser in 2009 and literally did not know how to feel about it.

Right now I don't want to miss her at all, but I do.

I loved her.

I needed her.

I depended on her.

And she did not want me to exist and she took advantage of me.

How can I grieve her loss?

I didn't even have her!

And when she was going, she did not even want me to miss her. She got angry at me.

A loss within a loss.

thanks for this.

This is not so unusual.

Billi

My mom was abusive to everyone. I think the only person she liked was herself as no one else measured up to her ideals.
Since my father died 10 years ago she has transferred more of hate onto me. i know that she has been mentally ill all my life but angry that my father left to work away or visit other relatives most of my life. She only cooked and cleaned the house and never allowed me to learn how to cook or clean or know about relationships.
I had finally gone for help for depression and was in a mind of mood group as she had been told that she would die at any moment and that has been now a year and a half.
i have just turned 50 and and sent her an email wishing myself a happy birthday, as she has ALS and told her how i was going to do 50 things i enjoyed or could acheive this year. Her response was i hope the rest of your life is better then your poor life before and that i should seek the team of mental health people.
I now release how much i have hated her and how i am so ready for her to go to whereever she belived she will go. I knew in my twenties that i would start liveing when she was gone. my anxiety disorted has gone out of control the couple of years as i started to throw up when she would call and talk her venom of her hate of everyone. i tried stopping all comunication with her for a couple of years but was investigated, followed arrested by this *****. i keep meditating ever morning that her negative vile energy would leave our world.
i am a very loving and compassionate person but had to live with constant judgmental hate all my life. i knew she was wrong when I was 11 years old and have let her rage as if you tried to object hell would be raised.
i am so looking forward to feeling the release i know will happen.

my step father died in June, the day before my birthday, it was the best present any one could have ever given me. The one thing i had been waiting for for over 30 years. the only thing i felt appart from relief was anger that he still managed to fk up my birthday! it was the first year i actually was excited about my birthday, the first year i planned a party for me and it was marred by my feeling guilty for not being upset he had died and for not caring enough about the rest of the family to drop everything and go 'running' back north to support them.
but hey i am still alive and can look forward to hopefully many more birthdays free in the knowledge he can never hurt anyone ever again.

[QUOTE=RACEKA;1613642]Has anyone had to go through the death of an abusive parent?

Im going through it right now. In fact the old man is having a dinner with his other kids and all grands including my children today, and I was not invited. He's saying goodbye. Hes dying of brain cancer.

This has been so extremely hard for me. Depression doesnt describe it, the word agony is more like it. I too go through the different feelings of wanting him dead already to crying because he's dying. He beat me, molested me, and emotionally crippled me until I cut him off 20 years ago. I thought I had made peace with alot of it after 13 years of therapy, but everytime he did something else (usually using other people against me over these last 20 years) it brought it all back up. Today is one of those days.

I think I grieve the daddy I knew when I was really little-we were two peas in a pod. As I got older, the abuse started right around puberty, then at 14 he raped me one night after getting me drunk at a friends daughters graduation party. In my family "your not supposed to talk about these things", but I went on a talk show (that I was referred to by some detectives) and talked about being abused as a child but never mentioned his name. I was shunned from that day on by him and most family members. In fact it hurts that my kids even went there today because they've had o relationship with him for 20 years either, but they are adults now, making their own decisions.

This is very hard, and grieving sucks. The ambivalent feelings kill, but I know I have to work through it. I just hope and pray that there is peace on the other side of it. I will be 50 this year, and I want the next half of my life to be as good as the last half has been bad. I wrote this poem last night I will share.

POEM

The end is here........no closure, no goodbyes but endless tears.

Daddy I tried to be the good girl you wanted, but that June night you changed my life forever., and thats where it started. I kept my head turned, couldnt look you in face, nothing changed in that room accept the depth of my new found rage. For years the same dream over and over again, till I was a certain age...I was begging to get your attention, but you wouldnt listen, you were always so full of rage. I learned to cope to survive, I walked on eggshells...for in our house your fists were really quick to fly.

The end is here....I never dreamed this would be it...no closure, endless tears and a heart broken in bits. You didnt think I would remember, You didnt think I would talk about it, you didnt think you could lose control of me, but I was dying inch by inch.

I stuggled to breath, I struggled to live, to go on with life as a broken girl, woman, mother and wife, many times thinking of taking my own life. Emotionally ravaged, not knowing who to trust, how to love, or how to be loved I was fair game for every savage. Real love is not supposed to hurt, I wasnt born to walk around feeling like I was dirt.

So now the end is near, no closure no goodbyes just the tears of an injured little girl with an upside down world.

How many times I questioned myself, how many times I blamed myself, how many times I thought if I were better , if I could have forgotten or ignored it...let the past be the past, but that only made the pain grow and last.

Now the end is here, I never dreamt it would end this way...no closure, no goodbyes, just these blazing tears clouding up my eyes.

Its enough pain to carry from age 14, but now after speaking out Im labeled the queen of mean. They do your dirty work, emotionally trample me until I break. Don't they remember how you didnt want them, dont they remember how I coddled them? Don't they remember the sister I was, sacrificing my childhood so they would have one?

Now the end is here, your will die bitter, and my heart is broken in smithers. I can see the emptiness in that well where I was a constant sitter.

The pain is endless and at times takes my breath away. All I ever wanted was your love, I prayed daily to God up above. When you left and went to California I pined away at the window day after day. A mere seven year old who couldn't believe you would leave me and go away. The beatings were hard and left me scarred but nothing compares to this age old hurt in my heart.

Every little girl loves her Daddy, but you have left my life quite shabby. This has been a hurtful silence for 20 years, and it never stopped my flowing tears. Your wish to punish me for speaking out, was deliberate, theres no doubt. People say I should hate you, but in my heart, I know that I was never meant to repeat the things that you do.

Now the end is near, your dying and Im crying. No closure, no goodbyes...just these scars pain and endless tears.

I have often, especially lately wondered about this. I have not lost an abuser yet, but it's close. My father is a hard meth user, in the last 3 years he's lost about 150 pounds and all his teeth, and it's impossible for him to finish a sentence. I see his end nearing and I often wonder how I will feel. I have no clue though.

Many people when they have an absent father wish he was in their life, they cry and beg and wish they had him in their life. For me it was the opposite, I begged and cried and wished he was not a part of my life. Now that I see soon he will not be, I'm having conflicting feelings. I hope you find a way to cope with your loss. It's really confusing, and one minute when I think about the fact that soon he will be gone, I want to cry over the father I should have had and will no longer have that chance to have that, but sometimes I feel as if a weight would be lifted from my shoulders knowing I no longer had to fear him, but that makes me feel guilty.

My abusive father passed away this morning. The family attacks hurt, the betrayals hurt, and I am grieving him. I too feel a little free because I dont have that fear anymore, but its been replaced with the fear of my brother. I'll be 50 next month...I want to live the next 50 years as good as the last 49 were bad...........Im emotionally raw.

I recently moved 2,600 miles from my mom without telling her or any of my immediate family. I thought long and hard about it before making the decision and decided that I need to think about myself now and try not to worry about them. But, I know, the day will comd (my mom is 80) that I will get that phone call. I dread it. I want them to leave me alone. My brother makes me feel guilty about my absence, but I'm doing it for my own sanity. I'm always made to feel guilty..... Take care, all who have been abused in any way. We must survive!

My dad committed suicide when I was 17, it seemed almost impossible to me at first, and I was likely in shock when the police came to my school and told me about it. I don't think I was emotionally upset that he was dead as much as I was responding to the emotions around me and all the sudden life changes (i.e. house being repossessed).

It didn't take too long for me to forget him altogether and move on from his death. In fact, in the few months after his death I was actually really happy, thinking it was a new beginning for me.

Afterwards I began to felt resentful towards him because his act of suicide cost us so much, and even now we're still struggling to survive.

But it is better he is dead.

Im in the same boat! Lets just cross that bridge when it comes!

I'm really glad I found this forum! I just learned over Labor Day weekend that my mom, who was/is my primary abuser, has terminal skin cancer and is not expected to die in the next few months (the doctor gave her 6 months, but I frankly think she'll die long before then). I know I'm SUPPOSED to feel sad and badly and everything, but all I can really feel right now is HAPPY and OVERJOYED that I will soon be FREE of this soul-crushing harridan! I don't wish death by cancer on anyone, but I've longed to be free of her for so long that I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I know that I'll be going through alot of different emotions in the coming months, but right now I'm just excited at the prospect of having a life without the fear that she currently produces in my life. Seeing that others have gone/are going through the same struggles as me is tremedously helpful and encouraging! My mother and I have ALOT of unfinished business, and I've accepted that it will never be finished. I do plan to have the last word, however. I'll will have a letter to mother stating EVERTHING that I think of her, and I will making sure that it is in the coffin with her when she is buried!

i'm not in this situation i wish those people would hurry up and die they are useless to society. however, if i was in this situation, i would celebrate! ok, not everybody will agree with me on this i am sure they would ask me how could i celebrate? easy answer why do i need to feel empathy towards the abusers? if i showed empathy, it just shows they still won in the end and your still their little door mat.

i do not hide that i would celebrate if my parents died, nobody cared about my dad's mom when she died. she died an alcoholic by herself in her house and was found a week later. she was abusive towards my dad and his sister but i never knew thank god i feel bad that my siblings knew her and my 2 sisters hated her because of how they were treated and my brother was treated like gold.

i believe in eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. i am about getting even so i have no remorse for abusers and neither should a victim but i have seen victims get all emotional makes me roll my eyes every time i see that or hear stories about them doing that.

My father and brother were both abusive emotionally and physically after my mom died when I was 13. My father died 8 years later from a heart attack. My brother was complicent when his best friend raped me at 14. While I miss him sometimes, I do not miss the abuse of a depressed and dysfunctional family. I had to distance myself and live all of my adult life without family. I really miss not having a family sometimes.

I have since tried to forgive them for the past. A lot of it was the result of hurting people who should have known better but didn't. I have decided though I cannot carry the hurt and pain for the rest of my life. It was what it was and I cannot change the past, just keep it from screwing up the rest of my life if I can

Forgiveness is a process. I am doing it for me, not for them. And trying to make sure that I do not repeat the same mistakes with my own family

My mother died a year ago. I remember the phone call from an unknown doctor to tell me that at 83 and living in a nursing home, she had bowel cancer and about four weeks to live. I was shocked by the diagnosis - we are stroke people, not cancer! So I think I sounded 'normal' on the phone because I kept saying, 'cancer?!' as though I didn't want to believe it. But I was very keen to believe it and also experienced a 'yes' (punch the air) feeling deep down inside.

I had wished her dead for years - she had a borderline personality disorder and was extremely emotionally abusive, so bad in fact that as a frail, old lady 'caring' for my disabled, adult brother, she was dragged from the home as an involuntary psychiatric patient because the abuse of him just couldn't be ignored anymore. When she died I tried to cry but it was a very empty time, very little emotion. I was numb as so many people on here have said. Mum was so awful that no one would go to her funeral and I was so pleased to not have to organise something and get up to tell a pack of lies about her. My brother and I just put her ashes in the ground. No tears, no big emotions. I asked him if he wanted to say anything about her and he managed, 'She was a very unusual personality'.

Now a year later, I am incredibly emotional about her death and the lifetime of abuse. I grieve for the little girl who was abused. I grieve for what never was. I get confused by memories of loving, happy times - but that's the way it often is with mental illness. I feel incredibly sad, very down on myself and often deeply depressed. Her death took an immediate stress out of my life but her legacy will take a long time to get over. I know I can and will get there. I want to. On her good days she would have wanted me to as well - at least that is what I'd like to think.

hoping, that is very real

My physical, mental & emotional abuser/mother was diagnosed 10 years ago with dementia. Oh GREAT that's all she gets? I wanted to see karma!! I wanted her in PAIN for all the pain she caused me. Why couldn't the universe give her cancer for goodness sake? So I've had 10 years to get mad, mourn the mother I never had, find a spiritual path, forgive (in the sense I will no longer carry the pain for what she did). I have no happy memories of my childhood. None. She nearly died a few days ago & boy I'm glad I found all you wonderful likeminded folk here! BIIIG huuuugs to you all. I am not alone anymore. I was excited, joyful, giddy with the realisation she could die. Gone from my life...IT STOPS HERE! I feel nothing for her, I don't care for her & am so tired of having to respond to the 'oh your poor mother' 'it's so sad', 'but she's still your mother' crap people dribble. I've always known I will be singing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead but with champagne. My only concern is keeping my strength & not taking on the energy of others when she does die. She made me cry for 40 years in life & I will not shed a tear for the death of someone who caused so much pain & discomfort. No more Mother's Day eeehaaaaahhh!