Something Wrong With Me?

I was raped almost two years ago and every since I have had this obsession with rape. I read books about people being raped and watch movies with really graphic rape scenes and look up stuff about it on the web and watch anything with rape in it. i don't know why and I feel like I am crazy because though those disturb me and me feel like I am reliving it or really queasy or sad, I can't help but watch or read about it. I pick up anything that has to do with rape even though I can't even speak about my own experience without freezing up or not being able to go any further. I have never even been able to discuss the full details with anyone because it feels like I am reliving it, I have nightmares about being raped and am scared of the dark. I talk to a therapist but it doesn't seem to help. I can't get rape off my mind. It is constantly there like a creepy obsession I can not get rid of. I don't know what's wrong with me or what I should do.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.
Maybe watching it and reading about it over and over is your way of taking something horrible and making it "normal," or less significant. Like if you can expose yourself to it enough then it eventually won't bother you anymore. I think this is a very normal response.
However, it sounds like your "obsession" with it is really bothering you, and that it is not helping you to feel any better. Maybe you can work with your therapist to discover some other, healthier coping mechanisms that you can replace watching the rape scenes with.
I hope you will feel better soon. Thanks for sharing this.

I do something similiar. If I am flipping through the TV channels and see that a rape is going to happen, my gut reaction is to flip to a different station immediately - like I have to save my own life. But then I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS go right back and watch. I feel like I can't stop myself. I don't know why I do it. It upsets me terribly. I get so disturbed. I hate it.

to you. What did you therapist say about these behaviors?

Have you talked about your rape incident with your T in detail and let your feelings about it come out in session?

It sounds like you are trying desperately to make sense of something completely senseless and to intellectualize it so you can cope. Also, perhaps it is a coping mechanism to help desensitize you to the enormity and reality of what happened. By exposing yourself to it repeatedly in film, on screen, via media you are able to see it, but still feel safe and in control, wheteas during the actual crime you may have felt quite the opposite.

Please know that I can relate and what you are going through does not sound weird or strange at all. Many of us here can relate. You have support. There are all sorts of ways we try and have tried to make sense of it and cope in order to move past it.

But you have experienced a great trauma, one in which you cannot manage on your own. It is impotant to work with your T on trauma work and recovery.

When you are ready, I urge you to speak with your T about the about this. You have experienced an enormous trauma. You deserve all the love, support and compassion that you so richly deserve so you can truly heal.

Hugs to you,
Rose

Thank you everyone for your posts. I haven't been able to talk to anyone in detail about that night and every time I try to, I freeze up and shut down. I don't know why but even after two years, I can't even speak the word out loud or say out loud that that happened to me. It is so hard and I get upset whenever I think about it. Most people say I should have moved past it by now but It's so hard. Thank you for your supporting words. It helps to know I'm not alone.

Start small. Just say one word to start with.

Do you think that you are going to be able to talk about it without getting upset? This isn't going to happen. You need to let these feelings out in session. This is the only way you are going to work past this.

What is your T saying about you not talking about this incident?

I've tried but I can even say that rape out loud. I can write it but I can't say. I just freeze whenever I think about it and just can't do. My therapists says I do that to numb myself to what happened. I don't know why I do it, but I just freeze whenever the subject even comes up.

Then don't say the word rape until later. Can you start by talking about what was going on before this incident occurred then stop there. Next time start there again and see if you can say one word about anything during that incident like about the surroundings where it happened? Then stop there. Next time start again at the beginning and keep saying one more thing and then stop.

Even the thought of that night makes me freeze. Anytime someone even asks me a question about , I think about what I want to say, but it won't come out. I start feel really bad like I am sick, and then sadness, and then same thoughts pop in my head over and over again, that what did I do wrong? Why did he do that to me? What did I do to make him do it? Then I start thinking about that night and starts replay in my head and feel like I am back there and I become paralyzed with fear and just can't move or speak like in a trance until my therapist pulls me out of it. It happens every time, even at the thought of it or even f I see something that reminds me of that night, like a certain food or something. I just go into kind of trance where I can't do anything, just scared and lonely and thinking what did I do wrong? Why did he do that to me? I want so bad to put that night behind me or be able to see something that reminds of it and not want to break down.

((((Ro))))

Can you talk to your T about this?

You did nothing wrong. Rapists and ALL criminals CHOOSE to commit crimes. You might be trying to "fix" the past by watching things about rape; that is common. Did you prosecute him? We can never know why someone commits a crime and even THEY may not know.

Do you feel your therapist is helping? There are some things to do to take some of your power back. One is writing a letter of "restorative justice"--meaning, this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU, not the criminal. You may choose to send it or not send it. You can discuss that with our t.

You might want to contact RAINN...I have heard good things about them.

Hugs, Nicole

(((robinson))),

I know what you are saying, it took me a long time to discuss not only my CSA in therapy but a date rape too.

And I still block things to be honest. I am actually opining in another thread in PTSD because people from around that time in my life want to reconnect with me and my brain just doesn't want to go anywhere near that time in my life right now.

My T told me that our brains do this to protect us from experiencing the emotional pain by recalling these memories. I find it frustrating because I just tend to shut down at times or want to avoid too.

And yes, I do watch things on TV too and I think it is to desensitize myself or bring a kind of closure somehow as suggested above by Rose.

I will say that once I did open up with my T, I felt relieved about it, knowing that he was going to validate me and not judge me. Maybe you can make a copy of this thread and give it to your T.

I think it is great that you are talking about it here though. I was a member for a long time, would visit this forum but not be able to discuss my own experiences.

So you ARE making some progress, good work.


Open Eyes