[Zedsdead]

So as some of you may have followed my posts, i have been dealing with someone who is narcisstic. I have struggled to leave for a long time, every time I tried, he overpowered me mentally and physically. This time, i educated myself as much as possible and planned it out so he would be away at work.
Last night I broke the ice and told him we were done for good.
At first, he was angry and threatened to chop my head off publicly. After a short abusive exchange on the phone I hung up.
He called back, pleading and crying. He wanted to skype with the children and put on a show of sobbing for me back. I made my boundaries clear and for now he has stopped trying to call and text.
I feel so relieved. I cant believe I finally did it.
Now to deal with the excessive financial mess he has left me with, pick up the pieces and move on with my children.
Any advice on what to expect and how to deal with it, would be greatly appreciated

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that you're strong for doing this, and I wish you and your children the best!

[danh19]

I afraid I don't any advice but I would say well done for getting away from him sadly their are some who don't get away and end up dead

[childofchaos831]

I don't know if you do reddit... there is a sub r/raisedbynarcissists... not your situation, but they could point you in a direction or possibly help themselves... there's the concepts of no contact, low contact, etc. They can give ideas of what to expect in the beginning and such... my mom is narcissistic but I can't afford (financially) to get away. I feel trapped, and sort of am... I wish you luck, and hope for the best for you and your kids.

[Zedsdead]

Thank you all for the kind words. I didn't realize how bad things were until I sought therapy. It was there I realized my mother and partner are narcissists.
I don't do reddit, but I plan to keep on reading and check out some books for healing from an abusive relationship.
I feel like im waiting on his game playing at the minute. He has switched tactics lots already and it has only been 24 hours.
I just want to stay strong and get through this in one piece.

Childofchaos, i know the pain of being stuck with a narcissistic mother. To leave this relationship I came to rent out my parents basement and it has been hell so far. I'm working hard to move out of here asap. Then I can't start living. I feel so free right now.

I am so happy for you. For me, anticipation about what I must do causes me so much anxiety . I recommend that you look into the bankruptcy laws in your country. Having debt causes so much anxiety and also can limit your options/opportunities. You are so brave. I am just really proud that you took this step!!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Zedsdead

Not advise............but got to say.........REALLY WELL DONE!!!!
RESPECT!!!!!
And hoping that you are so VERY proud of yourself!!! You deserve to be!!!!

And honestly..........maybe you'll come across some things that are difficult in the breakup........maybe he'll try to make some things difficult...........but remember.........you've already done some things that must have been MASSIVELY difficult...........you coped with some of the things he threw at you at the time.........AND you got out of there!!!!
Now that shows you have incredible strength in there, so don't you go forgetting that!!!
Any difficulties you may face now.........you can do this!!!!
And you have SO done the right thing!!!!

Kudos Zedsdead!!!!

Alison

[Charljwl]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

Thank you all for the kind words. I didn't realize how bad things were until I sought therapy. It was there I realized my mother and partner are narcissists.
I don't do reddit, but I plan to keep on reading and check out some books for healing from an abusive relationship.
I feel like im waiting on his game playing at the minute. He has switched tactics lots already and it has only been 24 hours.
I just want to stay strong and get through this in one piece.

Childofchaos, i know the pain of being stuck with a narcissistic mother. To leave this relationship I came to rent out my parents basement and it has been hell so far. I'm working hard to move out of here asap. Then I can't start living. I feel so free right now.

I recommend "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I am so happy for you. For me, anticipation about what I must do causes me so much anxiety . I recommend that you look into the bankruptcy laws in your country. Having debt causes so much anxiety and also can limit your options/opportunities. You are so brave. I am just really proud that you took this step!!

Thank you!! I really couldn't have done it without the support i got from everybody here. It has been a blessing and helped me see things for the way they really are.
I'm going to see a social worker this week and am hoping she will point me in the right direction to getting everything straightened out and help financially until I'm up and working

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Zedsdead

Not advise............but got to say.........REALLY WELL DONE!!!!
RESPECT!!!!!
And hoping that you are so VERY proud of yourself!!! You deserve to be!!!!

And honestly..........maybe you'll come across some things that are difficult in the breakup........maybe he'll try to make some things difficult...........but remember.........you've already done some things that must have been MASSIVELY difficult...........you coped with some of the things he threw at you at the time.........AND you got out of there!!!!
Now that shows you have incredible strength in there, so don't you go forgetting that!!!
Any difficulties you may face now.........you can do this!!!!
And you have SO done the right thing!!!!

Kudos Zedsdead!!!!

Alison

Thank you so much! I feel so enlightened and empowered. It's an amazing feeling really. I feel like im slowly finding my true self and I just am so relieved.

The one thing that is causing me a little bit of confusion, is he won't take breakup. He says no, we aren't breaking up. He texts all day paragraphs of love and promises. When he asks to speak to the kids he spends hours telling me he loves me and doesn't even talk to the kids.
He is away, so it's easy to ignore him. But he says he's coming to the house no matter what when hes off work. Iv told him to police will be called if he comes.. but can I actually call the police if this is all he is doing? Professing his love?
To me, it's just another game. Hes said this so many times. Every time iv tried to leave i hear this.
Does anybody have any advice? He's not acting angry really at all. It's make me feel a lot of doubt that hes even abusive.. but the last 2 years have been terrible.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Zedsdead

Yes, absolutely remember this:
To me, it's just another game. Hes said this so many times. Every time iv tried to leave i hear this........ but the last 2 years have been terrible.
And I know it can be real hard to doubt yourself when he's behaving like.........maybe the person you wanted him to be underneath so often..........
And doubts like that can be natural, so you don't necessarily have to wonder.........just keep reminding yourself that "Yes, I am going to have those doubts BUT (and remind yourself of the bigger picture) AND I am doing exactly the right thing".
And you know that for some narcissists.........they can tell you exactly what you want to hear............but that doesn't need to mean that they feel it just as you might if you were to say the same thing to someone..........and you do know that he can be a very different person when/after you've got back with him.........every time.
And yes, you have shown great insight, just keep those boundaries in place, hey? And don't let him be talking to you for hours when it's supposed to be about the kids
Just let him know that if he's off topic, you are going to need to put the phone down and you'll talk to him about the kids when he's ready to do that (if you want to that is!!).

As for what the police can do, really sorry but I'm not familiar with the laws in yourcountry.........but just a guess........if you're asking him to leave when he comes and he's refusing maybe the police can act on trespass or harassment, or some sort of equivalents.........???
If it came to it I'm not sure if you could get a restraining order with conditions to allow for contact with the kids if you wanted if you were to report some of the things he has done........???
But hopefully someone from your country will post with some knowledge on that.

And again Zedsdead..........WELL DONE!!!!
Really glad you're feeling some of that "release"

Alison

[Trippin2.0]

Awesome job!!! I'm very proud of you.

Please remember that his love songs and crocodile tears are just a game, a ploy to get you back where he wants you.

I would certainly call the police if he showed up and tell them he threatened to chop my head off as soon as he got home... Whether he's visibly angry or not.

Because trust me, you fall for that Romeo act and Hannibal Lechter will most definitely show his face as soon as he's got you where he wants you. And this time you might not make it out in tact, or alive.

Make a list of reasons, including his threats, as to why you have left him.

Read it everyday, read it twice when you're in doubt.

I had to do that when I left my ex, I fell for the heartbroken Romeo act too many times myself.

[ReptileInYourHead]

Hey Zed, don't let a little sucking up undo the choices you have already made. When you made the choice to leave it was for very good reasons, those reasons have not changed.
Doubt is normal when ending an abusive relationship, you have been conditioned to do it.
Wrong, right, forget those labels, taking him back will put you back at square one, and leave you disappointed in yourself.
My advice, take the time to recover your mind from the abuse.

[childofchaos831]

There are a lot of wonderful books about narcissism out currently. I've found some at Barnes and Noble. Also a good book, the emotionally abused woman by Beverly Engel.

[Marylin]

Zedsdead.Well done for leaving at long last!Now you just have to hang on in there.
If he is professing love you can tell the police you are being harassed cos you are not interested in him loving you,if it is similar to the UK in the US you can get everything on a legal footing by filing a domestic violence report on him,if he has physically,emotionally,verbally or psychologically abused you in the past then you have grounds.

Don't be tricked by thoughts of he is being so nice now was he ever abusive,he is using every trick in the book to get back with you,it is calculated strategy to win his prey and his prey is you,once he has you trapped again he will turn nasty.Remember how he spent all the money and left you and the kids without and how he wanted you to drive him miles to work even though you were supposedly ending the relationship,tricks to keep you wanting from him and in his orbit.

You need to cut off contact 100%.You know he isn't interested in the kids cos when he rings to speak to them he only speaks to you,it is an excuse to win you over.So don't let him use the kids as an excuse for contact,stop talking to him on the phone,if he wants to see the kids he'll have to go to court for access.Do everything through a solicitor is my advice and start divorce proceedings.

There are lots of books to help you but my advice is go 100% no contact,there is no reason for you to see him or talk to him on the phone,no reason at all!his problems are no longer your concern remember that!

He doesn't care about you or the kids or he wouldn't have spent all that money on himself and left you to go without,remember that,he is just pulling on your heart strings and you are falling for it,well no more,hopefully.
Here is a good source of advice,

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Becoming-Na...e+a+narcissist

Be strong,stand firm,stick to it,he will try make you remove the boundary by laying on the charm,it is a game to him ,a game of control,he has to win it by making you convinced he is right and you are wrong,undermining yourself is what he is going to try and make you do,making you wrong,making you admit it is all your fault, he isn't abusive,he hasn't done anything wrong,he is the victim,you are wrongly accusing him,taking his kids away,for no reason,he will convince you you are the abusive one see.All he is guilty of is loving you hence he professes his love.

It is an act and it is intended to dupe you,don't fall for it the only person this man cares about is the one he sees when he looks in the mirror.Be hard,be tough keep rejecting him,he is a narcissist and he will destroy you if you don't stay away from him.Good luck,Zedsdead you can do this!

[Zedsdead]

Hello. Thanks all for the wonderful support and advice. It is truly appreciated!
Last night was awful. He called and screamed at me, told me he was going to kill himself and then said was going to kill me..

As much as this is going to sound absolutely insane. I feel incredibly guilty. I feel so sorry for him it makes me sick to my stomach. Im trying to keep in mind all the horrible things he said and did over the past couple years. It was out of control and there was many times I had, had enough and wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me or something always brought me back.

This is so much harder than I thought. Im completely heartbroken. I always just wanted it to work
Why does it feel so wrong to leave

[Trippin2.0]

Duplicate

[Trippin2.0]

It feels wrong because you're a good person and you want everyone to be happy.

Life unfortunately does't work that way, some of the hardest decisions I have had to make were the best ones.

You just have to stick it out and keep your eye on your goal, whatever he chooses to do to himself is his own fault, not yours. He's a grownass man.

Don't let your guilt trick you into believing you are in the wrong

[Marylin]

You are not guilty of anything Zedsdead,why should you put up with abuse or feel responsible for his emotions,to be honest the issue is his threats to kill you,doesn't that worry you?He may feel bad but that is cos he has lost the person he uses as a crutch to get stuff from that gets him through,why feel sorry for him when you know if you take him back he will feel ok again and then turn abusive on you again.You know it is a vicious circle of him being loving kind or in pieces until he wins you back then he gets angry abusive and neglectful towards you again.Don't let your feelings of guilt dictate use your head and protect yourself and the kids stay away from him.If you think he will carry out his threats to kill you inform the police.Stay safe and keep up the resolve to remove him from your life.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Zedsdead

Nothing at all you're saying sounds insane
So just keep on saying whatever you're feeling
One thought is.......and tell me if I'm wrong.........but I'm guessing that so many times you had to put a lid on what you wanted to say, what you felt, what you wanted to do.........to "keep the peace", to stop things from getting worse, to make things better, to not upset him..........???
If so all this.........standing your ground has to be "against your instincts"............and guilt is a very understandable reaction
But deep down you know that you're worth much more than that, right?!! And so do we
And I'm guessing you have loved him, maybe a bit of you still loves who he was in the briefest of moments or what you felt he could be..........so guilt is natural..........you wouldn't want to hurt that person.........but reality is that isn't the person he really is, is it?!! In the "bigger picture"........he's actually a very different person..........
And you know what..........maybe you're grieving over the very real feeling of loss of that person you saw in the briefest of moments, of who you'd hoped he could be, of what "could have been", of how you wanted and hoped the relationship could be........and grief can be a real powerful, real strong, real messed up, real hard emotion..........and if it is..........give yourself time and compassion to grieve..........but just know that absolutely, unequivocally, undeniably you have done the right thing in walking away
I know things must be real hard right now, but hang in there hey??
It can in time get much better than it ever was, and you owe yourself that

Alison

[Zedsdead]

Thank you all so much!! I feel so much better about everything. It is getting easier!
I feel bad, but I'm not going to let the guilt eat me up.. he caused all of this..not me. Iv discussed things with him family, iv gotten a parenting order from the courts and I meet with an abuse counsellor tomorrow morning.
The confusion is disappearing slowly. Im quite excited to get mine and my childrens life on the go!!

I spoke to him yesterday briefly after he had calmed down, to talk about child support and our shared finances and such. I don't know what it is, but I just felt like every word that came out of his mouth was a lie. It's almost like he's crumbling.. he has lost control and it's so strange to see him in this state.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Zedsdead

WOW, that is such good news in how on track you are!!!
And I can feel you taking back that power that he had to have stunted!!!
I'd say that you should be so proud of yourself!!!
Hoping the abuse counseling goes/went well, and I can see you seriously moving forward already

Alison