It doesnt matter....it just doesn't matter

I can do everything to the best of my ability. Make sure his dinner is done when he gets home. Make sure his laundry is done and put away. Make sure the house is clean. Let him watch whatever TV shows he chooses. It doesn't matter I will do or say something that sends him into the nasty name calling beast that still finds a lower place to put me.

Then to have to sleep next to him makes my skin crawl.

Unfortunately I have been where you find yourself at present..I was there for about 20 years and when he physically turned on me that last time, I found a way out. I did end up living hidden, in a battered women's shelter for a while..only my 3 kids knew where I was. There was no pleasing this man. I never knew what I did or didn't do to "set him off". I am so thankful my children were not conceived with this monster..and I can fully understand what it's like to later sleep next to a man like that. I honestly believe people like these are never happy with themselves, and never happy with anyone else..I pray that you find whatever it is that you need to correct this problem. Pray for him that God will show him what he needs to see..I hope things get better for you. Take care...

Can you leave him? Do you want to leave him? Please examine your reasons for staying with him and try to evaluate if they are worth the harm he is causing you. Do you have children? Do you have an income? Do you have a support system? Have you contacted your local domestic violence agency? Even if he's not physically abusive, they can still help you. Are you in therapy?

I was with a man like that for 27 years and I had my reasons for not leaving even after things started to escalate. Honestly, the only reason he's gone now is because he's been in jail for the last five weeks. I would probably still be trying to figure out how to resolve what I saw as the issues with me leaving and he would still be there harming me. It's not going to get any better. It may get worse.

Yes I have children, but they are adults and not in the home . no k do not have any income. I don't have a support system . no family, except my kids and i would never burden them. No friends, not since I married him. There's no local domestic violence agency I know of . I live in the middle of no where. I am in therapy. I don't discuss him with my therapist though.

I have given up I think. Everything I do just doesn't matter to him and I am to the point it just doesn't matter how I feel.

I understand feeling trapped and giving up. I'm curious why you don't discuss the way he's treating you with your therapist. I don't know what I would have done without having that outlet. Can you try to tell him or her about it?

[QUOTE=NP_Complete;5807095]I understand feeling trapped and giving up. I'm curious why you don't discuss the way he's treating you with your therapist. I don't know what I would have done without having that outlet. Can you try to tell him or her about it?[/Q

Mainly because I fear being judged In think.

Do you feel your therapist judges you about other things? I think therapists are trained to not be judgmental. If you find your therapist judgmental, maybe you should try to find a different one. You might find some relief in talking about what's going on in your life with a professional. I did. I wasn't judged, even when I didn't leave him.

Kinda feel like I'm being graded . Idk. I had a therapist I did like but he was replaced and I really don't feel a connection to new one and I feel she's pushy. Unfortunately i don't have the choice to chose one.

I don't want to seem even more f@#$%& up than I already do. More pitiful and hopeless ..

I'm not sure they can help you figure out what's really going on without knowing you're being abused. I urge you to talk to your therapist about what's going on. I don't think they will judge you for it. Please consider it.

I agree, please bring this up with your therapist. She can help you work through it and help you come up with a plan to escape the abuse if that's what you want to do. Without knowing, and honestly, she probably suspects, she can't fully help you in your therapy. Additionally, without the direct knowledge of your abusive situation, she could make a diagnosis that fits what she knows, but could be incorrect.

Finally, the abuse doesn't reflect on your character, but on his.

Hugs out to you.

I left after 31 years of verbal and some physical abuse. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and take it out on others. Unless they get long term therapy, they will not change. They blame everyone else for their problems. You can call the National Domestic violence hotline. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life and sanity. One sentence helped me leave: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." I hope you will. No one deserves abuse. He is angry (all abusers are) and nothing (like you said) you do, or don't do will please him......he is miserable and takes it out on you. They are emotional vampires and constantly need their "fix." Their "fix" is you defending yourself and explaining everytime he is abusive. I learned that secret and stopped responding to any abuse. xo
Abuse also damages your immune system...every time you experience abuse your body releases cortisol. Cortisol damages the immune system. Fight for your life so you can live in peace.

I tell myself I'm immune to his words. I think there's not anything more he could say to hurt any worse or that I haven't already heard but somehow he does.
Stupid, Lowlife, B%$&h, C&%t, Trash, garbage , *****, worthless, lazy, ignorant , mooch, mother f$%#&r, dumb, fat, nastiest W$%&e he's ever known, he divorced better, he doesn't like me enough to lie to me, he can't stand to be around me, he can't count on me for anything, I destroy everything, I appreciate nothing, mooch, he can't wait to leave this sh$%hole, I was a w%&$e when he met me and still am, a liar, a thief, crazy, fu'%$& up unit, he despises me, he hates me, s$%t person, I make men cheat on me, ...I'm "a real prize". What a mistake he made, he has to be an idiot for being with me, he has spat in my face as he told me be despises me, accused me of cheating numerous times , even though never happened throws it in my face as if I did, ....I hate what I have become.

I can't even defend myself, futile if I try and most likely disastrous. I can't disagree or express myself.....if argument isn't going in his favor he makes it so and its my fault. I pushed...I just wouldn't shut up, I insist on it being like that, ....but if I say nothing I'm being a sarcastic b$%&h...he "Expects nothing more,"

This sounds awful. It sounds exactly like the things my h said to me. You're right, you can't defend yourself. There's no point. I got to the point where I would just sit silently and take whatever he said to me, then when he was done and had left me alone, I would cry. And if he hadn't gone to jail, he'd probably still be here doing the same things over and over. It's hard to leave. I get it. But I'm sure you'd like to, right? You're so tired of hearing the same **** day after day and feeling like you can't do anything right and walking on eggshells. It's really, really hard. I hope it helps to know that other people know what you're going through.

I think you said earlier that you didn't have a local DV resource. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support) and just talk to someone. I don't recommend their online chat, it felt like talking to customer service, but YMMV.

Has he ever threatened you physically? If he has, take those threats seriously. If you want, I can share my story about my husband's threats towards me and what the police crisis negotiator said to me.

Please try to talk to your therapist about this stuff. It's going to destroy you. I know from experience. I feel destroyed.

He intimidates me. He towers over me until I'm cowered in the fetal position. It almost seems to enrage him more. I would like to hear your story if you don't mind sharing.

GG, it took me a long time to be honest about my marriage in therapy. When I finally opened up, I had immediate support and acceptance. No judgement.

I will try next week..I have to think about what to say. I am sure it will seen bizarre if I just say" by the way..". Idk.

I agree. It's hard for them to help if they don't know what's going on. I also think you may have fallen into the trap of blaming yourself for your abuse. It's ..not..your...fault!!! You don't deserve it. Please don't poop on you own head by denying yourself the help you need and deserve.

I was leaving to go to store for minute this eve. He was in workshop behind our home, I considered just going but felt it best to let him know . I crossed the yard and opened the door. He was standing near desk putting awa y something in drawers. I didn't even get the word "hey" out and I apparently startled him. (I don't normally go to shop if he is out there. ) he jumped startled and said wtf you doing? I said "im sorry, just wanted to tell you I'm leaving, ". He began yelling at me, " "Why didn't you say something?". I said " I tried" he began ranting about me sneaking and creeping around, think your gonna see something" I told him I wasn't , "****ing stupid C***, quit acting so f****** weird" I again began to interject but it was in vain, I just turned to walk away, as he yelled what an ignorant b**** I am, etc. etc. I don't feel I deserve this but its just how it is, I know no one likes to be startled but I didn't do it on purpose. I sure as hell wasn't "sneaking and creeping". He was gone when I returned. Its 2:23 am but I really feel better he isn't here. So exhausted from it all.

My recommendation is that since you are having a hard time verbalizing this to your therapist, write it down and hand it to him/her and ask him/her to read it. Your therapist will understand and will be able to help you, but needs to know exactly what's going on. If you think that it could be dangerous to write it down prior to your appointment, go early and write it while you are waiting.

My heart aches for you. My first boyfriend, when I was 18 years old, was very verbally abusive. Everything I did was wrong. He would constantly badger me when I was driving anywhere. You're going too fast, you're going too slow, why didn't you turn on your blinker, why did you turn on your blinker. It was the same for everything I did. If we went out and I talked to his friends I was a s***, if I didn't I was a stuck up *****. My friends were all worthless ****** and I wasn't allowed to see them or spend time with them. Constant badgering, then the personal insults, which I won't repeat here because you know all about them. I was able to get away from him with the help of an older brother.

I still have some issues with driving with a male in the car, I always get anxious in cases like that and I have some other socialization issues that are probably somewhat tied to this time of my life, but it is much better than it was back then. You can recover, but first you must escape. You can do this.

I am considering writing it down. I feel like I have betrayed my therapist by not being honest and discussing my current situation. I know I should but I don't want him thinking I'm a liar as well. I will possibly write it and then decide . I can just act as if its some of the homework I'm given on a regular basis. We kinda have an agreement that he won't read or look at when I'm present and I'd feel better if not there when he reads.

I think a lot of people who are in therapy have not disclosed everything to their therapist and that therapists expect that and realize at the right moment disclosure will come, or in some cases may never come.

I haven't completely disclosed to my therapist either. It's ok.

That is called (what you mentioned) verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationwship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Never go into therapy with an abuser. I stayed for 31 years and then found thecourage to leave. ALL behavior is a choice, so abusers CHOOSE that behavior and it has nothing to do with you (or the abused) and everything to do with the abusers anger and rage.

I'm sorry it took me so long to come back here and respond to you. I've not really been in a good place mentally lately and I was feeling really triggered by your story.

Trigger Warning for descriptions of abuse.

Before things escalated in the last month or two before he started the fire, my husband did things that are considered physical abuse, but he only hit me one time. He was drunk and I had dozed off on a friends sofa after a night out when he came behind me and hit me in the side of the head. He once shoved me into a corner because I refused to kiss him. He would prevent me from leaving rooms. He would touch me against my will. He would intentionally disrupt my sleep. He would slam and throw or kick things around. Sometimes he would use his physical presence in ways that seemed meant to intimidate me. Sometimes he would use objects in ways that seemed meant to intimidate me: a baseball bat, a metal pipe. He threatened to blow our house up by holding a torch to a propane bottle. He "accidentally" set a quilt my mother had made for me on fire in the garage. He threatened to set our house on fire dozens of times over the years (turns out I should have paid more attention to that threat). Before getting educated on abuse, I probably wouldn't have considered most of the stuff above abusive. I would have just chalked it up to bad behavior by a mean, angry drunk.

Before the fire, things had been escalating. He started verbally threatening to kill me. He accused me of turning him into the main character from The Shining and told me he was going to go buy an axe. He would say things like "if you don't start talking to me, in about 5 minutes you're going to really wish you had". The day he said that he had me so unnerved after several hours of this that I left and slept in my car in a parking garage. One night he came into the room where I was sleeping, I said something that made him angry and he told me that he "should shove this sock down your throat and kill you". Then he held my head down and held a sock over my nose and mouth. When he left the room he told me "I have just enough energy to kill you right now". Another time I said something else that made him angry and he said "I ought to kill you". I was frustrated by that point and told him to come do it then. His response was "no, really, I ought to kill you".

When all this was happening, I didn't have a clue what to make of it because I was too caught up in the middle of it. I didn't believe that he would actually hurt me. I'd been with this man for 27 years. He said he loved me. How could someone who loves you hurt you? But the people in my life that knew what was going on seemed concerned. At my therapist's urging, I went to the local domestic violence agency and made a safety plan. A few days later, my husband was threatening to kill himself so I called his psychiatrist at 1 am. This made him really angry. He came in the room where I was sleeping on a sofa and after berating me for a few minutes, started kicking me. He hit me with the box of wine he was carrying. He threatened to put his cigarette out in my eye. He told me I "was this close" to, what I assume, is getting the crap beat out of me. This incident really shocked me. I remember pulling my blanket up tight around me and just shaking. He went in the other room and started apologizing for hitting me. Then he verbally abused me for a couple of hours. I have no idea why I didn't get up and walk out that night.

A few days after that incident, he started a fire in our living room floor and barricaded himself in the house for six hours. Two days after the fire I asked to speak with the crisis negotiator that spent those six hours on the phone with my husband. I was still in shock and was trying to figure out what happened and why it happened. She was nice enough to sit with me for two hours that day and talk to me. I told her a lot about our relationship over the last 27 years and how things had been escalating and about the threats to kill me. She told me that based on her 20 years of police experience that it was highly likely that eventually he would have followed through on those threats. I honestly don't know if he was trying to cause me harm with the fire. Maybe he just had a break with reality and didn't realize you shouldn't set your own house on fire. Or maybe he just thought he could get some attention from me by doing this but didn't think through all the consequences. I doubt I'll ever know.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because you should pay attention if he's threatening you. It's very easy when you're in the middle of it to ignore it and rationalize that he would never hurt you, but that may not be the case. I hope you can find a safe way out. Leaving isn't easy, but staying isn't easy either. Take advantage of whatever resources you have available to you. Someone else mentioned the Patricia Evans book. Another book that I found useful was "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Find a way to tell your therapist what's going on. You could say "there's something I need to tell you about but I'm worried what you'll think if I tell you". Write him a letter if you can't figure out a way to say it out loud. Could you send him an email before your session? I'm sure he will be glad you shared with him. I think you will feel a great sense of relief in sharing.