Grief after death of abusive parent

I am not sure if this post should belong here or on another thread. I do not want to offend anyone. Has anyone here dealt with the death of an abusive parent?
I am dealing with this currently and it's very confusing and painful. I am further alienated by my dysfunctional family. Over time, they decided to re-write history and speak only of our father as though he were a saint. He was not. He was often cruel; emotionally and verbally abusive of my mother, my siblings, and myself. I lived on the end of his rage (as did my family) until I moved out. I was scared of him until the day he died.
Now that he's gone, I am not sure how to think or feel. I want to respect my family members' own feelings. So when they talk about how much they miss him and what a wonderful man he was, I keep my own thoughts to myself and simply provide messages of comfort. Which seems to be working for them but I feel very alone with my complex reaction. He was not a good father but my family seems to think that abuse only means intense physical or sexual assault. I do not agree. My therapist, back when I was still in therapy, agreed that my father was a very abusive parent and husband.
I do not miss him. But there is a lot of pressure in society to feel obligation to our parents regardless of how they treat(ed) us. And yet, I agree with a person who said "Remember that you do not have a familial obligation to be victimized."
Any thoughts folks?

Perhaps take a break from family while you work through your own grief.

It also might not hurt to get back into therapy as you work through your grief.

It is different for survivors of abuse to process the grief related to the passing of an abusive parent or sibling.

Especially if other family members continue to traumatize the abuse survivor by sticking up for the abuser(s).

My resolution was to go completely no contact, but not everyone is willing or able to take that path.

Thank you for very much for your insightful and non-judgmental reply. I was largely "no contact" with my father for several years prior to his death. All but one family member is extremely judgmental about my decision as they sort of bought into his abuse/persona if that makes sense.

I did return home to see him in the hospital (in a coma at the time) and participated in the funeral. I was in therapy at the time but that is part of the reason I stopped. The therapist pressured me intensely...actually told me I'd be a "coward" if I didn't return home (my mother also pressured) and I am still not sure if that was the right decision for me.

I no longer see that therapist. I am reluctant to find a new one though I feel I probably need to. I do believe in the therapeutic process. It just stings when you trust one who is less than professional at the most sensitive times.

I like your idea of taking a break from my family. I feel that is what I need right now. My significant other agrees.

Thank you again! I don't know anyone else in my life who is dealing with this type of situation. It can feel very lonely but I do my best!

A therapist should not have told you that you were a coward if you chose not to see your father before he passed away. You should have instead been told you have a right to protect yourself emotionally, especially if you grew up with an abusive parent so that you ended up choosing to leave his environment for your own mental health and well being.

You should consider finding a new therapist so you can discuss this challenge along with the way a therapist encouraged you to feel guilt when you talked about not wanting to see your father after many years of not seeing him because his dysfunctional ways of behaving had such a bad affect on you.

I watched my abusive narcissist mother die in front of me in utter agony after a long fight with lung cancer. Can't really say that I enjoyed her suffering because IDK myself, but I can say that I didn't feel a damn thing about her.

In fact, the only thing I could think while watching her die was can she hurry up and die already so I can go home and play video games.

I only stayed with her because I had no other way to support myself at the time. I was too mentally unstable to find and hold down a job that paid enough to support myself. About the only money I could make was off donating plasma 2x a week every week and selling MMO currency. Neither way is a realistic way to pay the bills while living alone.

If given the choice, I would have told her to go **** herself and let her die alone. Unfortunately, fate wasn't kind enough to give me a choice

I think the grieving has to do with the person we wish that they were..the loss of what we should have had.....my mom died at 94 and she was terribly abusive; feel all of your feelings; they aren't right or wrong, they just are.

Thank you, NicoleFlynn. You are very kind. I am sorry that you had to deal with terrible abuse from your mother. You sound like you have found your peace! Well done you! Peace is what I am working hard toward. I agree with what you said about feelings...not right or wrong...just "are." Very wise!

I found the replies to my prior message so helpful that I hope it's okay to elaborate...

My father had a terrible temper. When he lost his temper in our home, it felt as though the earth was going to split in two. I always felt a strong desire to run away and hide but there was nowhere to go. Years later I learned that my father actually punched my brother in the face. My brother was a young adolescent at the time. To this day, my brother describes our father as a saint.

My mother did nothing when our father behaved this way. All those years of screaming and threatening and shaming. She would remain silent or simply try to placate him. She never once said "Stop terrorizing our children." Not once.

Later, as I got older, I would get in between the two of them when she was the target of his rage. Then not only was he furious with me, but my mother got angry with me too. I did not understand her resentment until years later when I researched spousal abuse. I believe that my mother knew she would never leave him. And she knew that her children would leave her home one by one as they got older. So, her solution was to perpetually walk on eggshells and enable his abuse. And she insisted that her children did the same.

It is one of the most bizarre and poignant realities of my childhood. My father is dead now but I am still in this weird space (emotionally) with my mother. She married and pro-created with an abuser. She allowed him to abuse her children all their lives. She never apologized. And even blamed me, as an adolescent, when I tried to intervene either for myself, or my siblings, or her.

When I was 15, I was watching TV with my father one day. Out of nowhere, he turned to me and said: "You know I just realized that my life would have been infinitely better if I'd never had children."

About five years after that, my mother told me: "You are one of the greatest disappointments of my life."

I do not want to upset anyone here. I cannot discuss any of this with people in my life; including my family. I suppose I needed to share those things. My last therapist was not helpful with regard to family issues but I am now looking for a new one.

If anyone has had similar interactions with parents, feel free to share...in particular if you have learned positive coping strategies.

Peace to all

Thank you for your kind, sweet words. I wish you peace; Iknow it takes time; be gentle with yourself.

It is difficult to know why/how parents can be cruel....I think it has to do with THEIR problems, andthey take it out on their children. I am so sorry at those horrible comments made by your parents....I think some of it is projection....in other words....She was disappointed with HERself. My mother said she wished I had never been born. My life story won a scholarship and I started school at 60! So, I was able to make all of that abuse into something positive. Abusers are miserable, angry people. Hugs and Love,Nicole

I was abused in all ways growing up, and through my life, by my parents, other family, and others. I understand how you are feeling. When my parents passed, I had very little emotion. They have been gone several years now, and I still feel nothing. I don't believe my lack of feeling will change. When a person is hurt, and hurt several times, the trust is gone, and at some point, I think about the only feeling for me that I have left for these people is anger. So I just don't let my self get pulled in by others. My older Sis will call crying sometimes, and I just listen to her, and let her get what ever out, even when I feel nothing.

I sympathize. My grief became pure rage for a long time. As I understand it now, that is a reaction to intense pain.

My family also likes to pretend he was the greatest guy. It's like we are talking about 2 different people. I've gone so far as to cut several members of my family out of my life because I simply can't take it. I am told I need to speak positively of the dead. I can't. He was not a good person to me, in my life and I believe I am entitled to my feelings.

I've dealt with this for a long time and I have learned to let my feelings ebb and flow. I mourn the person I wish he was. I despise the person that he was. My life is better because he is dead. Yes I said that, no apologizes.

I guess my point is that no one gets to tell you how to grieve or process or feel. Overall I have made my peace through acceptance. He was who he was, he is gone, I can't change those things, etc.

When your parents expressed to you that they would have been better off if they did not have children or that you were a disappointment what they are really saying is they were NOT qualified to have children and raise them in a safe home and love them unconditionally and be supportive. Unfortunately, people have children who should not have children because they are SELFISH and ignorant. It's not your fault that you had dysfunctional parents, never meant you did not deserve to be loved and appreciated.

Thank you very much for this thoughtful reply Open Eyes. You got right to the core of how I've been feeling in recent years. Imo, my parents had no business having children because they have/had zero emotional intelligence or unconditional love to offer and my siblings and I have all suffered as a result.

I am still carrying some significant resentment about my parents' behaviors but I know I need to find a way to let go of that for my own peace and well-being. I am working very hard on it.

These thoughts and memories consume me at times. You know what is really tragic? Because myself and my siblings grew up in such a dysfunctional and rage-fuelled environment, our own relationships with each other have been fractured, lacking trust, and simply disintegrated over time. That to me is the saddest part of all.

My youngest sister was always very close with me when we were growing up. We were close in age and looked out for each other...tried to protect each other from all the mayhem around us. People used to describe us as "two peas in a pod" or "like twins." Well, as soon as I could I moved far away from my family. I was honestly desperate to escape. If I could have brought my little sister with me, I would have. But for reasons too long and complex to explain here, she could not come with me. And when I left, I was still very young myself. So she was the last child in the house with those two awful excuses for parents. And I know how miserable that must have been for her.

I know she began to feel stirrings of resentment toward me after I left and may have even felt abandoned by me though she never told me so. But for a while, I could tell that she still loved me and wanted to be friends even across the distance. So that is what we were trying to do. But my parents hated me for leaving and manipulated my little sister every chance they got. Over time, she grew bitter and started to treat me the way they did...with contempt. A therapist told me that my little sister probably internalized my father's aggression and bullying behaviors. Now an adult, she loathes me. She even tried to bully my other siblings into ending contact with me. So she and I are estranged even though I never ever wanted that. She refuses to communicate with me at all.

I think psychologically, or even intellectually, I know why we ended up here...given our horrible childhood. But my poor spirit cannot fathom it or reconcile it in my mind. I miss her deeply. I never ever wanted to leave her...I just had to get away from that home and my parents with their anger and shaming and fear. I had a chance to run and I took it.

Isn't it tragic that my parents' actions rippled down to the sibling connections? We did not grow up in peace and trust so I suppose it makes sense that we don't have any peace between us now as adults. Though I have tried to reach out and send love to each of them.

Hope you folks won't judge me. I really was desperately unhappy back then. Growing up in that home was a living hell. If I could even find peace with my younger sister again...even if we couldn't be friends but peaceful and wish each other well...that would mean so much to me. And I do find it unfair that she blames me for everything...she will not allow anyone to say anything negative about our parents...somehow in her mind they are blameless which is so far from reality I can't even convey it. Instead she directs her anger at me and one other sibling.

I was the only one in the family who moved far away so I became the villain and the scapegoat...attitudes driven by my parents. I have read psych articles explaining how this happens in abusive families and the effects on sibling relationships. It is so true and also heartbreaking

If anyone understands, please share your thoughts. If I explained to you the circumstances under which I moved away I know you would understand. it's just too much to include here.

Thank you for reading.

So sorry for your pain Katydid777. It is kind of you to quietly listen to your sister in such a complex situation. Peace and healing energy to you

Sorry for your pain CalloftheVoid. I liked what you said about allowing feelings to ebb and flow. That sounds very wise. I agree with you about acceptance and although I'm not there yet, it is a major goal in my life. Thank you for your understanding and insight. Peace and positive energy to you!

I feel the same way. My mom was mentally and physically abusive toward me! I grieve her death. I think this is normal.

I feel the same way.

So sorry you had those experiences Buffy01. I hope life is better for you now. Peace and positive energy to you

My mother died about 5 years ago and I could not have cared less. Somebody in an old email group made the following statement in response to her family who told her she'd be sorry she didn't reach out/kiss and make up/make an effort in her relationship with her dying parent etc.:

"My mother died a long time ago."


That's how I viewed my mother's passing. She was not a nice person, but very good at camouflaging the fact. Serious, soul-destroying abuse happened in private on me in particular. Through the years, with help, I had distanced myself from her...but when your mother is your primary abuser, there's only so much imo distance you can get, even if you never see her again...


You don't miss someone like that, it's not in our nature to miss a torment when it goes away.

So sorry you had to go through that Sporty McDaniel. I understand you. Peace and healing energy to you. Take good care of yourself

That is great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!