i learned today that my abuser is a victim, too!

a few hours ago i had an argument/confrontation/discussion with my father about how i felt about him and the fact he isn't in counseling and how sick i was of all the secrets.

he tells me he doesn't need counseling anymore because the wounds have been healed and he doesn't need to keep picking at the sore. he tells me how he's a victim because he has lost everything, his wife, son, daughter, and grandchildren and now all he has is church family. he tells me of how he has been changed by God and how he wants to do God's work and help others (ironically, by being a counselor through the church).

nobody in his church knows about how he sexually abused me for years. yet he claims he is "transparent" to others. how can he claim to be set free from the past if he keeps such secrets from the church? he said he paid the price already and shouldn't have to keep reliving the pain over and over again. he said if he tells the church, then he will have nothing and no one. it sounds contradictory to me. i don't know what God thinks, but i think he needs extensive counseling.

i told him i tell my close friends about my past and he asked how i could i do that to him!!! he said he is a changed man and that i shouldn't be telling people about the old him because that changes their perception of how they see him before they even meet him.

he eluded to his only option was moving out of my life. i live over 1500 miles away from him, so how does he move out of my life? he is really manipulative and somehow suckered me into "taking care" of his needs again. i'm not responsible for his feelings but i found myself saying things to him to "reassure him." gee, i need extensive counseling, thanks dad.

this is making me sick to my stomach.... it's time for bed... i've got another week left visiting this pedophile and my mom. not fun, but very educational. i am not responsible for him or his feelings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are NOT responsible for him or his feelings.
Heidu

It doesn't sound to me like he has conquered his abusive nature at all...he has simply moved from being sexually abusive to emotionally abusive. The stuff he says to "turn the tables" on you...claiming that he is a victim, saying that he shouldn't have to relive the "pain" over and over, and telling you that you shouldn't talk about his abuse with others becauseof how it affects him...those are all classic things that abusers say to maintain control over their victims.

You deserve credit for having the strength to face this man...and you are absolutely right, you are not responsible for him or his feelings. Just keep telling yourself that to muster the strength for the rest of your visit.

You will be in my thoughts.

(((((purebugg)))))

mj

The thing your dad is missing is that he is not a victim. He is suffering consequences of his illegal and immoral actions toward you. Consequences are not the same as victimization. If I could, I would hang a sign around the neck of every pedophile in the world that they were unable to remove. People around him need to be warned. He might molest again. Even worse... statistics say he is LIKELY to molest again and again and again. His church NEEDS to know his past. Forgiveness is not the same as consequences. Forgiveness is not the same as trust. A pedophile is not to be trusted in a church counseling situation. You are allowed to talk about your pain and who caused it. If you speak the truth, it's not your fault if he suffers pain from consequences of it. In reality... he is suffering from consequences of his actions and not consequences of your truthtelling.

I hope you are out of his house now. It must be incredibly hard to be in the same house with a sex offender.

It's a wild world, but someone's gotta ride it!

thank you . . . Heidu . . . mj . . . Willow

it's times like this when ya realize how powerful these forums really are. even though i'm safe, i'm not in a healthy environment. responses like the ones you all wrote help me deal with the stress. thanks again!!! (((Huggs)))

i don't know what else to say except i'm going to search online more about what is typical behavior of abusers. maybe i'll show the website to my father, too. if you know of any websites written TO "former" abusers...let me know.

I completely utterley agree with what Willow, Heidu and Mj have stated in their posts.
My abuser does not talk to me tho I know from my relatives that he is living a life he wish he wasn't. He doesn't have close friends, he has no contact with family members and he's in and out of relationships. To me, he will always be my cousin. But there is no way in this world that I could possibly help him 'recover' from the past. He has to do that on his own.

I believe your dad should do that as well. I also believe that he shouldn't be in a position that he could take advantage of others. It is NOT your fault that he may think these things. You should be able to live your life the way you please and say and do things as you wish. He brought this apon himself and its not up to you to dig him out.

Perhaps this is a little hard and I should probably be a little softer. But it just makes me angry because he's obviously playing a little manipulation game with you to still keep you within his control. If you wern't in his control, then you would have told the church what you know and you wouldn't be feeling so miserable perhaps!?

All in all. I wish you the best and hope the rest of the week is bearable. Your a strong person to be there in the first place.
Love and hugs
xo

It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves. C.G Jung

it does make me angry. we all have our faults. but i just don't understand why some people don't try to get better. i don't understand how my mother can still live with the man. maybe i should send a letter to his pastor, so that before my father gets licensed, the pastor may be able prevent anyone else getting hurt.

Take your time in making this kind of decision. Do you have a therapist you can talk to about it before you do that? I think the church needs to know about your dad's history, but I fear the damage to you would be great if you disclosed the information. If you talk to a therapist, perhaps they will have an approach that will protect you and still notify the church of the problem.

It's a wild world, but someone's gotta ride it!

i'm just visiting the area and leave in a couple of days. i won't have to see him again until september when i return to the university. i'm 30 yrs old and not afraid of him anymore.

i have emailed the pastor that i wanted to share something with him. so far, no response yet. i still don't know exactly what i will say.

I just wanted to say that I agree with what the others have been saying. Good luck.
Zen

<font color=green>The snow falls on no two trees alike, and the forms it assumes are as various as those of the twigs and leaves which recieve it...so one divine spirit decends alike on all, but bears a peculiar fruit in each--Henry David Thoreau

after 3am and i just emailed the pastor a letter explaining why i don't think my father should be a minister without counseling. i'm shocked i actually sent it. it's late, i'm tired, and somehow hit the SEND button. guess it's in God's hands now.

It's were it should be and I am proud of you for having the guts to do it. You did the right thing.
Heidu

Wow... you are brave. I think you did a brave thing. Keep talking to us as the responses from your father and his pastor begin happening.

It's a wild world, but someone's gotta ride it!

You have done good. I hope that knowing you have saved others from the abuse you suffered will help you in your healing. I hope you will continue coming here so we can give you some support while you go through this.
Take care,
Zen

<font color=green>The snow falls on no two trees alike, and the forms it assumes are as various as those of the twigs and leaves which recieve it...so one divine spirit decends alike on all, but bears a peculiar fruit in each--Henry David Thoreau

well, the pastor wrote back a nice letter basically reassuring me that my father would receive plenty of supervision, training, counseling, etc. i'm not sure the pastor understands how manipulative my father is, regardless to his new found Christianity. i have to let go of the issue now. i AM relieved that somebody knows!!!

thank you ALL for words of support. wish i could give you all a real hug in person (((Huggs)))

At least you know you spoke up. You done good bugg!
((hugs)))

It's a wild world, but someone's gotta ride it!

I am glad you spoke up. It was a hard thing. The paster may sound like he isn't worried about it too much but it will make him much more aware and watchful. You did good.
Zen

<font color=green>The snow falls on no two trees alike, and the forms it assumes are as various as those of the twigs and leaves which recieve it...so one divine spirit decends alike on all, but bears a peculiar fruit in each--Henry David Thoreau

thanks again...Willow & Zenobia (((Huggs)))

Bugg,
Sorry I didn't post sooner on this. I have been dealing with soem issues of my own and I haven't been posting too much lately.
You did a good thing and I am so glad. It's not a secret anymore and now someone important knows and can keep an eye on your dad. That is so important if he will be dealing with people. Because of the way he makes you feel that he is a victim and that your suppose to believe that he has grown and moved on I dont believe he has accepted responsiblity for his past actions and therefore is a risk.
Never doubt that you have done the right thing. You may have saved someone in the future from the pain you have suffered. Maybe thru alerting his pastor you have given him a chance to really get help.
Wish you the best!!
Heidu

Thanks Heidu!!!

I have been a victim of sexual abuse since I was four, and I know just how hard this was and is for you. I applaud you for standing up to your father, which in my opinion should get the chair.

I have learned after many many years of searching for answers about 'why' this happened to me. I've done everything from blaming myself, and living in shame, to feeling ok with myself, and the feelings I have when it comes to sex...

The one thing i learned is that many, if not all, sexual predators were victims in their past. As ashamed as I am of being human...I mean this because there is so much violence in this world that I cannot understand why people like hurting others...I will say this...history repeats itself. The only thing that separates victims from being abusers in adulthood is how they choose to deal with it, and just deciding if they want to continue the circle of abuse. Well, that's my opinion anyways.

I do encourage you to speak out...because silence really is a killer. And by keeping silent you are letting your father abuse you even more than he already has.

you're right; i'm glad i've confided in the pastor, my mother, my brother and his family, some of my relatives, my friends, and a few professionals.

finally found something interesting and educational. Innocence In Danger Organization

Just wanted to thank you for sharing.
It is always good to get out some of what you are feeling.
I am sure you are glad to be going back home soon.
Take care!

Jennie, I'm sorry, I could not read that whole post or the responses to the post. I got very upset when I read that he's a counsler for a church.
The church needs to know about his abusive behaviors. You know all the crap that's going on with the churches now and all the kids coming forward saying how they were abused by the priests.
I don't know if anyone else mentioned this. I got too upset to read anymore.
Please tell me the church knows about this.