[Typo]

I feel rageful and violent today, I should sleep more but I can't I feel like an animal trapped in a cage.
I have never felt this much anger over the past, about the abuse.
I just want to run around screaming and stomping my feet, I want to get on top of a building and just stand up there screaming my story.
I want to see my abuser hurt like they have hurt me, I want to see everyone's abuser's hurt like they have hurt all of us.

I want back what he has stolen from me, I want my innocence back, I want my happiness,

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM
I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, I HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL.

This stain on me, it never washes off, every day of my life I have to live with the memories, every day, every ****ing day, I can feel him, hear him, gahh @_@

I want to make him hurt, like he has hurt me, I want him to suffer like I have, I know that will never make the memories go away, and that no good comes with returning hurt with more hurt.

but today is just an odd day, and I feel a little unstable and unhinged, I need to sleep, I need to sleep,

[cantstopcrying]

Rest easy little sparrow.

[Cthomas]

I felt like you the other day. after seeing "mine".

Just remember. if you let yourself be angry, "they" are winning again. YOU are the winner my friend. because you and i .....were survivors.

They took away a lot from us. But theres one thing the cant take away.....HOPE....

Just remember - tomorrow always has the POTENTIAL to be better than today.

Hope you can be calm and get some sleep my friend. PM if you need me.

sending caring thoughts and of course a
Colleen

[Typo]

I slept some, but it was a feverish and restless sleep, I am so tired, I have a headache.
while at 3am this morning I felt like a raging lion, right now I feel like a small and weak.
I fell so little and vulenrable, and I am really having to fight with myself to get up and going. I am laying here in my room, in the dark under the blankets, drifting in and out of sleep and crying because I don't want to go to class, but I have no choice, I have a biology test to fail, and I have already missed to many days in Criminal Justice.

I just feel blah right now and I have for the past four days, I just don't..want this, and I don't know what to do. All that anger scares me and wears me out.

I am lost at sea

[nowheretorun]

i believe you are angry for good cause Sparrow and you've expressed yourself in a way that i can connect with the pain you feel, the injustice you feel, how something very dear and precious was taken from you without your will and consent..

you've put into words what i have felt many times myself regarding my abusers and far too many times i was unable to speak and release how damaging i believed the whole of it all amounted to... just rage and more rage...

i didnt know how to release it.. you help me.... sending hugs always...

[Sannah]

Silver you have every right to be angry. You are reacting normally. If you allow youself your feelings they will pass. Just stay safe..........

[Typo]

I feel sick now for writing any of this, I shouldn't be talking about it.
I feel so exhausted, worn, drained,
today was just bad, I just need to curl up under the blankets and cry but I feel to numb.....
just...I don't understand any of it...

[Sannah]

Silver do you feel guilty for expressing your anger?

[SophiaG]

Who says you shouldnt be talking about it ((silver))

If you have pain its ok to talk. Pain = Human.

[Typo]

I am not supposed to be angry, anger is dangerous, frighting, anger is an emotion I do not release or express, it is supposed to stay buried away, I am not supposed to let it out...

I feel guilty for feeling anything, numb or happy that is all that is allowed, I don't know....I have just been so off the past few days, had the ickiest flashback in the shower yesterday, it was..disgusting...set my whole day into a tailspin.

I just get mad, everyday, always, no matter what, I can feel it, what he did, what he said, I can be driving down the road and suddenly get the sickest feeling in my stomach and feel him, I CAN ****ING FEEL HIM, on me, touching me, just..
GAG, I want to throw up.......

[Sannah]

Silver, do you know exactly how you got these messages about expressing your feelings?

I am so sorry about your flashbacks .....

[Typo]

Because if I feel,,,,,
it makes it all real, and I am supposed to be happy or numb, no feelings, feelings are trouble, it's always been that way, it's how I grew up, emotions are not to be talked about, they are for stuffing, hiding away, pretending they are not there, espically when the emotions hurt so much...............

angry, anxious, very manic,,,, that is today, those are the emotions for the day.

[Sannah]

Silver, are you going to try to find a therapist again? The support and knowledge from a therapist would really be good for you......

Do you want to talk about how you are feeling today?

[SophiaG]

but maybe its because you havent delt with the feelings of rage and anger that you continue to have problems coping with what happened???

I agree i think you should go to a therapist and talk about this in a safe enviroment. find a therapist you like.

((((Sparrow))))

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

Because if I feel,,,,,
it makes it all real, and I am supposed to be happy or numb, no feelings, feelings are trouble, it's always been that way, it's how I grew up, emotions are not to be talked about, they are for stuffing, hiding away, pretending they are not there, espically when the emotions hurt so much...............

angry, anxious, very manic,,,, that is today, those are the emotions for the day.

silver, I haven't had as many troubles like the ones you've had, but the way I have dealt with things is just like what you're describing. I can be an ice queen. I was TAUGHT to be. Emotions weren't a subject of discussion for me either. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was too late. Now it's a coping skill that doesn't work, and has a large part caused the depression I'm in now.

What I have been learning, everything has told me to get the feelings out. Unloading on other people is ok.
I know you have troubles accepting that.

I have always been the type of person who will put others over myself and try to help my friends first, and my feelings didn't matter. But first off, in order to help others you need to be ok yourself. Also, you can still help the people you want to, AND share with them your feelings, even the negative.

The other thing, is that if you don't share with your friends in a way it's not quite fair, and doesnt lend to as deep a relationship. I'm not saying you have to go to a stranger, just to someone you know and know cares about you, and you care about them.

In order to not feel alone, I think we have to trust and share some of us.
If not, it becomes a one way street. Everything comes in to you, and nothing comes out. People can generally feel more connected to you if you do explain to them how you feel, making a friendship closer. The bond strengthens because it is being built from both sides.

We're humans, we HAVE feelings, we should NOT be numb/happy, we should FEEL. We are allowed to feel and EXPRESS these feelings.

Then the next question.... HOOWWWWWWWW????!!!!

That's what I've learned. I think you need to learn some of this for yourself/from personal experiences (although to do that you have to be open to the idea)

I hope this makes some sense to you.

Sparrow,

I know what it is like to grow up in a household that didn't have feelings, in fact they would only cause more problems if you showed them. I too have the inner rage of wanting to shout on top of my lungs too of what happened. I know you probably aren't comfortable with showing those emotions, that feel so powerful if unleashed, but it is okay to feel them, it is okay to tell. You gotta get that poison out of you or else that rage and anger turns against your own body. You have have every right to feel enraged against what happened to you, so much was taken from you , things that should have been sacred.
Take care, little bird, with a big heart.

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

I feel rageful and violent today, I should sleep more but I can't I feel like an animal trapped in a cage.
I have never felt this much anger over the past, about the abuse.
I just want to run around screaming and stomping my feet, I want to get on top of a building and just stand up there screaming my story.
I want to see my abuser hurt like they have hurt me, I want to see everyone's abuser's hurt like they have hurt all of us.

I want back what he has stolen from me, I want my innocence back, I want my happiness,

I JUST WANT TO SCREAM
I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE, I HOPE HE ROTS IN HELL.

This stain on me, it never washes off, every day of my life I have to live with the memories, every day, every ****ing day, I can feel him, hear him, gahh @_@

I want to make him hurt, like he has hurt me, I want him to suffer like I have, I know that will never make the memories go away, and that no good comes with returning hurt with more hurt.

but today is just an odd day, and I feel a little unstable and unhinged, I need to sleep, I need to sleep,

[Typo]

Thank you all, so much, your kindness and the fact you have taken time to respond..it touches me.
I am working through the anger, I am learning to work with it instead of against it, it is horribly frighting..how bad I want to hurt my abuser, but a friend told me, even if I went and sought revenge, it would never change the past or what has happend.

So I am trying to channel the anger in more positive ways, like working on my photography, or my writing. I am trying to forgive, and work towards getting back into therapy, this is so hard, one of the hardest things in my life to deal with, but I am getting there, one step at a time, and I will slip, and fall, but I know I have a wonderful support group around me, I am so blessed to have my friends irl and here on PC.

We are all survivors, we are all strong, we are not alone, we can all heal together, as one.

Sending peaceful and healing thoughts to everyone
Sparrow

[SophiaG]

(((((((((((((((((((Silver Sparrow)))))))))))))))))))))))

So happy to be ABLE to support you. n.n

[Sannah]

Silver, so glad to read your last post. You are doing very good work!

[turquoisesea]

*loads of hugs hugs hugs*

Hi Sparrow,

Glad you are working on it, it is so hard, it is one of my issues too. I channel mine into my writing. It seems to help me a lot, to channel it into something artistic. Kinda like making something good out of such a bad feeling. I know artists like that.
I also have started to exercise again, and that seems to help with the rage feelings I have. Things seem to roll off my back easier.

Keep up the good work! I like your saying about working through our issues together. It is amazing how strong we all can be together.