[kadesgirl09]

my husband thinks im a alcoholic becausee i drink to put up with him... blah ... is it true

[DePressMe]

kadesgirl, I like how you phrased your post. What do you think about being an alcoholic?

My guess is that your husband does think you are an alcoholic.

There is insufficient information to determine whether you drink to put up with him--or that you are an alcoholic.

I do not think you automatically achieve alcoholic status if you drink solely to put up with him.

[jenkins09]

The term "alcoholic" is overused and often misapplied. I hope you are finding more positive ways to cope with your husband.

[kadesgirl09]

hes just a really big @ss and it gets old dealing with his b.s. it was easier when I had my anxiety meds. i could deal with it. thats when we got married. now that im off them he makes me want to drink after dealing with him all day at work then at home with the kids and his mom. he says its an excuse but all I know is he gets on my nerves and makes me want to have calgon and some crown take me away... (after the kids are in bed of course)

[Perna]

It sounds like alcoholism is the least of your problems. But why are you taking it out on yourself by drinking too much? My liver/health is worth more than putting up with someone I don't like.

[kadesgirl09]

very true... and I didnt drink at all alst night. it wasnt one of the worst days either so it wasnt hard not to. thanks for all the advise

[Christina86]

Drinking to "put up with" someone else rings alarm bells for me. If you're misusing alcohol to escape your current reality - at the very least it's a bad coping mechanism, and at the worst it's alcoholism. But that's just my opinion, as someone who misused alcohol to cope with dealing with other people and schoolwork.

[Tatyana2009]

I have learnt that a reality has different perspectives. If you asked, at some point in time, sometime ago, - I was happy with my fiance. If you asked him - he was unhappy. He would also say that he drank to cope with me.

I was loving him, caring, being always honest, gave him and his kids all I had to give, was devoted to him, dealt with his depression and supported him, dealt with his crazy ex wife, looked after him when he was ill and no one else cared. Wanted to marry him and work endlessly on our relationship. But if you asked him - he was unhappy and drank to get away from me.

I know that actually - he is an unhappy man - regardless of me. He needs drama and tenssion to feel good. When this was not there in the relationship - he could not cope and felt unhappy. He needed to be taken care of. And so on...

When I was unhappy - he was happy. The commitment was not there and he was doing his own thing. I was miserable but he was happy.

So - reality is subjective and how we feel about things is just one way of perceiving this reality. To gain perspective and some sense of togetherness it would be good not to drink. At least then - you have better chance to see things for what they are. Did you try therapy to learn to deal with this?

I am not saying that you are wrong. I m only saying that it does not matter how you label a behaviour (alcoholic, coping etc) - what matter is your happiness.

[50guy]

Alcoholism is an overused diagnosis. If a person comes home at night from work and has a few beers, watches tv, showers and goes to bed....they are an alcoholic according to "experts." If a person drinks a few evey night for no reason they are alcoholic according to "experts." Personally, I have a drink or 2, every day or 3, rarely and an occasional drunk thrown in. I guess that makes me alcoholic.

I used to be a drug and alcohol abuse counselor 1979-1981.

We classified a lot of people as alcoholic to justify our jobs.

[kadesgirl09]

thanks all for your input... I know I am unhappy Tatyana because he is very controlling and it seems like I am always doing something the wrong way. maybe I shouldnt drink at the end of the day. maybe its not such a big deal. I see a new T next week and will run this by her. until then I may have 3 drinks at night or a few beers after my bath. I know it upsets him because his mom is true blue alchoholic (by her own admission) and he doesnt want me to turn out like her but its a major difference. to me at least. its just this big issue right now. I want a few beers and he says no. and its the one thing I stand up to him about since he controls everything else (how much I spend at bath and body works and how long im there for example)....

[Tatyana2009]

Well, I am sorry you are dealing with a controlling man. I know only too well what it feels like and how demoralising and stressful it can be.

The thing is - why do you put up with it? This behaviour is abusive. Why is he telling you how long you can be in the bath... and why is he telling you how much you can drink?

When my ex was drinking and I hated it I told him during moments when he was not drinking how the drinking affects him, me and the relationship. I never said 'dont drink' etc. However - when it got very bad and he became aggressive I did say to him he was alcoholic and when he took a drink in his hand I d leave the room.

I think, for your own safety and well being - stop drinking. Or at least - drink less. Drinking control you, just like he does. Drinking distorts your judgment and clouds events. What needs to happen for you to be able to take control over your happiness?

[annoyedone]

This may sound like a silly question, but have you guys considered therapy? It is an option you might consider, that is if you are wanting to make the marriage work.

That being said, I too have been in your situation years ago. I drank and used drugs in order to deal with the complete idiot known as my ex-husband. And while the alcohol and drugs helped me cope with someone I found extremely irritating, the truth was that I was unhappy. With him and with myself. And I stayed unhappy and caught in that cycle for quite sometime until I figured out that I didn't have to live like that anymore. And neither do you. One thing to remember is that you can't change anyone but yourself. You mentioned that you used to be on anxiety meds. Maybe now is a good time to get yourself back on them, especially if they help control your anxiety. Or maybe find another way to relieve your stress. Try exercising, taking your kids to the park, find a friend you can talk to perhaps. You have to find a way to keep yourself mentally and emotionally happy. If you don't, the stress and unhappiness you feel will trickle down to all other areas of your life. At least that has been my experience. I wish you the best of luck.

[annoyedone]

Originally Posted by annoyedone

This may sound like a silly question, but have you guys considered therapy? It is an option you might consider, that is if you are wanting to make the marriage work.

That being said, I too have been in your situation years ago. I drank and used drugs in order to deal with the complete idiot known as my ex-husband. And while the alcohol and drugs helped me cope with someone I found extremely irritating, the truth was that I was unhappy. With him and with myself. And I stayed unhappy and caught in that cycle for quite sometime until I figured out that I didn't have to live like that anymore. And neither do you. One thing to remember is that you can't change anyone but yourself. You mentioned that you used to be on anxiety meds. Maybe now is a good time to get yourself back on them, especially if they help control your anxiety. Or maybe find another way to relieve your stress. Try exercising, taking your kids to the park, find a friend you can talk to perhaps. You have to find a way to keep yourself mentally and emotionally happy. If you don't, the stress and unhappiness you feel will trickle down to all other areas of your life. At least that has been my experience. I wish you the best of luck.

Another quick thought....

You stated that your husband gets upset when you drink and that his mother is an alcoholic. Have you considered that he might be scared? If he grew up seeing the effects that alcohol had on his mother, he may very well be worried that he will have to watch it happen to you as well. Keep in mind, that I am in no way condoning how he tries to control you but I have often noticed that people who have a strong need to control others feel that their own lives are chaos. Which if he grew up with an alcoholic mother I am pretty sure that periods of his life were marked by bouts of chaos.

[kadesgirl09]

thanks annoyedone... I had never thought of him being any thing other than in control... I am going to attempt to not drink as often and if I can do that then at least I know the alcohol doesnt have control over me. maybe Ill just take my meds early and catch up on sleep this week. I always knew about his insecurities when we were just best friends... but being married has changed my view on him and sometimes its just too much and I forget hes human too. He summed it up last week when he said if my and my step mom wouldnt say/do stupid things then we wouldnt get talked to like were stupid. Like its our fault that he and his dad treat us like were 3 and unable to think for ourselves. geez maybe I wont be able to make it without drinking. who knows. but im going to try for tonight to start out with. maybe every other night 3 beers and thats all... if I cant do that then im screwed. lol thanks everyone

[Tatyana2009]

Strongly recommend you read this book:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship - by Patricia Evans.

Your man and his dad are abusive. He tells you you are stupid and therefore deserve bad treatment and humiliating words. He undermines your confidence and questions your sanity. He treats you as a little kid and says you cannot think for yourself. He discounts you and violates your boundaries as a person. He makes you feel worthless and with no self esteem - so you drink. You forget that you are resourceful and able to take action and change your reality. You accept his criticism and bad treatment. You feel like you are not worth it.

Well - I do not recommend marriage counselling. I recommend for you to start therapy for yourself and also attend group support for abused women. The reality is harsh but once you understand his state of mind and motives (need to control you, to dominate and stay one over to feel OK with himself) the power of these will fade away.

I am glad you decided to stay away from alcohol. Its awsome! Its a decision of a mature and logical person.

Hugs to you and I hope you keep on the good work xxxx

Abuse is a tragedy suffered by far too many.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print

[kadesgirl09]

great i tried calling for therapy today and he said he will not pay for it. so i found one that was free and he said I couldnt take off work for it. so I found out I could go after work and he said I wouldnt have time. I went ahead and put myself on the 2 month waiting list "without his permission" as for group therapy its tonight at 7 and do you really think he is going to let me go? heck no... id have better luck trying to row up hill without a paddle. maybe I should have put this in the relationship section... didnt realize that was a bigger problem than my drinking.. eekk, which i did have three beers last night. his mom was out of beers (she dirnks over a case a night) and she was out of money and he wasnt going to buy her any if I didnt drink... so this time it was actually him asking me. i was fine without it because i had already taken my night meds at like 8pm. thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions... ((((tatyana)))) ((((byzantine))))

[kadesgirl09]

ooh.. sorry (((annoyedone))) thanks for your response as well... i want couples therapy but he wont even think of it. not on his to do list ya know...

[Tatyana2009]

Dear one, please take care of yourself. It sounds like you are beginning to realise what is actually going on. In a way I am glad he wont go to therapy. I think it will be a bad idea and I think you going on your own would benefit you more.

From what you write it sounds like you are at his mercy. Can you see how wrong that is?

A mature woman needs to ask permission of her husband /bf to go to therapy? Its unheard of. I am so sorry.

great i tried calling for therapy today and he said he will not pay for it. so i found one that was free and he said I couldnt take off work for it. so I found out I could go after work and he said I wouldnt have time. I went ahead and put myself on the 2 month waiting list "without his permission"

I am glad you are pursuing this.

as for group therapy its tonight at 7 and do you really think he is going to let me go? heck no... id have better luck trying to row up hill without a paddle.

Are you still going?

maybe I should have put this in the relationship section... didnt realize that was a bigger problem than my drinking.. eekk,

It does not matter wher this is. I think there is a problem with addiction, abuse, relationship and possibly depression??

which i did have three beers last night. his mom was out of beers (she dirnks over a case a night) and she was out of money and he wasnt going to buy her any if I didnt drink... so this time it was actually him asking me.

Please - if you think its not OK for you to drink - do not drink, no matter what he says. Are you afraid of him?

i was fine without it because i had already taken my night meds at like 8pm.

Never a good idea to mix meds with alcohol.

thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions... ((((tatyana)))) ((((byzantine))))

You are welcome dear. I just want you to know you are not alone. And that there are things you can do to improve your situation. I am here for you xxx

Perhaps is would be prudent to call Safe Shelter or a crisis intervention group so you have a plan to get out safely if you need to.

May be useful to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: http://www.ndvh.org/

Wishing you the best.

[kadesgirl09]

i dont think its that bad... he always buys me flowers and stands up for me when his little sister or brother talk down to me... its like he can do it but they sure as hell cant... in fact he bans them from our house for months if they disrespect me... i dont know... maybe its all in my head? I would never call anyone on him though... I may leave him at some point (i hope it doesnt get that bad) but I wouldnt report him or anything... but i really dont want to because i advocate for his family and keep him from being as hateful to them.. hes just an @ss on the outside and a teddy bear on the inside... spent all of his adult life in prison so what can you expect... been out almost a year now and has come a long way... im making a lot of excuses huh?

[Tatyana2009]

Dear one. I used to see my bf as a bear. All cuddly and soft and lovable but could be so mean, scarry and big. I know its hard to give up on someone you love. Maybe talk to a counsellor or a support group - it will help in getting more clarity and you may be able to exist without needing to defend or to find excuses. Your safety is the most important thing!!

[kadesgirl09]

thanks again for the advice... now if I could just quit drinking... it would be easier if mom in law didnt live with us and drink a case of beer a night... i, ok saying no but then she always gets the beer and always gets one for me and puts it in my hand.. she doesnt like dealing with my hubbys **** either and she thinks its good for us to drink and relax from putting up with him... i guess i could just not buy her the beer but she cooks every night and cleans all day FOR ME so I dont have to mess with it and I feel bad telling her no to hte one thing she asks for... I prayed today that God would take away the desire for alcohol and that he will make it make me sick so I never want it again... lol seriously i did... its like I want to stop drinking to prove I can, but then its there and im like what the heck.. whats a couple of beers going to hurt? its a viscious cycle... but it took me a while to quit ice, oxycodones, pot and cigerettes so if i could do all that i know i can quit a few beers... right?eeekk

[kadesgirl09]

i have so many excuses for any and every thing possible... but i really did want help and i am sincere... thanks again