what do i do?

will i EVER be well again?

I am 36. I am terrified of aging and terrified of dying. It affects every single minute second moment of my life.

no matter what i do

i have tried many meds but they make me worse

i have been in therapy since this started two years ago with no progress

i have tried things to keep me busy like yoga, exercise, other hobbies, volunteer but nothing works

I am just terrified

I am so depressed about the passing of time

i miss the past tremendously because i was not like this

i am useless to my children

what do i do

i am scared every second

i also recently divorced my husband due to abuse and i am devastated because all that i had was only with him, a life, a family, friends, home, future, community, social life, everything, and now i only get the kids half the time and that is torture

I cannot live this way

no one knows what to do

therapists and psychiatrist and family are stumped

is this how i have to live????

feary, how are you doing this afternoon? You sound really overwhelmed and understandably having gone through a divorce. That's a huge stresser.
Can you phone your therapist and tell them this is an especially difficult time and ask for an appointment?

Hi Feary,
I hope it will be okay if I help you re-think this. You long for the past and you fear the future but, what about now? We can't change the past and we don't know what the future holds, but we do have this moment. But you can't enjoy this moment because of this fear. I believe we'll die when it's our time, so it doesn't help to worry about it. Everyone of us is aging as we speak and stress can age us prematurely. So you need to figure out how to stop worrying about this, so you won't be affected by stress.

I sometimes worry about stay alive for my girls because I'm the only dependable one. Your children need you to live in the moment. All you can do is be proactively reasonable in taking care of yourself and that's all you can do - leave the rest to faith. What do you think started this fear?

What started this fear is that I have no life now. everything is lost, taken from me, nothing familiar i have to start my life over. i have no one and nothing not even my kids because they are away from me half the time so it is like they just visit and it is tremendously devastating.

I have no security or comfort or stability or optimism or hope. I HAVE NOTHING.

Thank you but i know all this and none of it helps at all ever. i am doomed that's it. my life is over. i wish i could end it but i don't have the guts

my life is ruined. i cannot and will never be well because i will never accept that i must live in the moment because then why did i have to know about aging and dying so hyperaware in the first place?

i was fine before i knew
but i can't plan a single thing knowing that i am aging and dying it interferes with everything i do

my therapists are a joke and others too they are just people too and they don't know what to do or what they are talking about. they just want to give us drugs that make us worse and profit them and keep us coming back to them.

they have no clue

my life is over

i will never be free to travel or live without fear again.

my life is destroyed

i know how I SHOULD think, thanks, but I JUST CANNOT. What do i do about THAT? Nothing and no one helps and I have tried everything.

believe me.

but I cannot get well ever I know that so i guess i need to give up.

but there has to be some way out but i don't see how

Hello, feary. I hope you find the help you need to get through this for yourself and your children.

oh my god, i will never be well. impossible. can't do it.

so terrified

i feel for ya. hope you get better. just stay strong for your kids. Good Luck.

feary, I just wanted to say that you have the strength to get through this. What makes me believe that is that you got out of an abusive situation. I had an aunt who never did and it killed her but you were stronger than that. It's that kind of strength that's going to get you through this. It's that kind of strength that makes you vital for your children.

Things will change for you as they change for everyone. This has to be the bottom right? So it can only get better.

Cyran0

I try so hard but no matter what I do I just can't get that feeling of feeling content and satisfied with myself and my life because I keep missing what was and what could have been.

It's even harder when I have lost all the social life, family life, rhythm, direction, friends, hope, sense of purpose.

I was so full of life and excitement for living and enthusiastic.

Now, no matter what I do, I cannot feel good.

I feel like I am just existing and not really living, although I am doing so much.

It saddens me to think that my whole life will just be this humdrum.

I didn't leave just the abuse, I left LIFE itself. everything i had was through him and now I only get to see my kids half the time because of this strange judge that everyone in town feels makes the worst decisions regarding custody.

I feel like my kids visit me. I don't feel a connection with them really because they have to leave every 2-3 days.

It's awful.

I'm worried I'll never be normal again.

All my dreams shattered, all my enthusiasm for life gone, things that were no big deal to do seem like such monumental tasks.

I'm really worried.

Thanks to everyone. You all really help me a lot.

((((feary)))) It sounds like the custody of your children has you just going inside-out. I'm not a lwayer but wonder what appeal options you may have. Can you ask your lawyer for help?
Are you getting sleep? When I worry I don't sleep well and it makes me feel worse so am wondering if this could be happening to you.

Hi Feary,
I don't know you or your situation, but I do know how it feels to be terrified of growing old and dying. It consumes every moment of every day, so to live "in the moment" really "S**ks!! It seems like there is no way out of the viscious cycle. For me it comes in waves. The anxiety gets so bad then ebbs away leaving me exausted. I try to rest, and it comes back. Sometimes I go through this cycle four to five times a day! Medicine doesn't help. The only thing that has helped me is a book that a dear friend gave me. "Feeling Good" by David Burns helps me calm down by just reading the section on anxiety and panic attacks. I can't change my circumstances, or the way I feel, but I can read the comforting words and they help. Also, I hope that by coming here and reading posts like yours and others, I'll feel better. I appreciate it that you are willing to write about your experience so I can feel less alone.
Please take care of yourself.
Whimsical

thank you.

there is not much I can do legally I found out unless my ex does something extremely crazy I am stuck in this arrangement.

I just am traumatized over and over every time my kids leave me. I feel so insecure and a strong sense of discomfort. It feels so unnatural like they are someone else's kids just visiting with me every couple days. That closeness and connection is lost I feel. My son was only 4 and my daughter was only 5 months old (and still nursing) when this all started and that makes it even worse.

I stay busy and all while they are away but it doesn't help

I sleep well because it is my only escape so I welcome it. It is tough to fall asleep though.

The mornings are the worst for me. I wake up into a nightmare which is my life of uncertainty. insecurity and shattering loneliness, no hope just fear and sadness. I wake up feeling as if I am waking up as myself older and how awful I will feel then.

I feel terrified about the day ahead no matter what I have planned. Like today, I have to right now clean the entire house for a showing from 1-2 before my kids are come back to me at 11. And then I have to go to my therapist at 12:30 and then take my son to a playdate at 2:00 and then I have no idea what to do after that.

And I feel so anxious being in the house at all maybe because it is filled with memories? I actually feel overwhelmed by the thought of looking after my own kids now whereas before I used to do everything effortlessly. It fills me with anxiety to know that i have to take care of them. Not that I do not want to but I feel incompetent now and what if I mess up.

I have no direction no consistency no routine. I worry constantly about how I will give them a good life or teach them everything when I am so afraid.

I have no motivation to clean the house-it is too overwhelming.

I just wish that I could stop fearing aging and dying. It would help so much.

I wish I could get some sort of hope. Therapy and meds are just not helping. I am staying very busy and that doesn't help. I just feel my life is over.

Living in the moment is IMPOSSIBLE with two kids because you HAVE to think about and plan what you are going to do with them.

God save me for my children that's all, please.

Feary, I'm so sorry you're having to go thru all this. I too have been having anxiety attacks lately due to circumstances caused by mid-life crisis. It seems you suffer from the same type of thinking I do, thinking the way you feel now is the way you'll always feel. Well, you won't, and I've been trying to tell myself that over and over lately. Just do what you have to do to get yourself thru each day, things will eventually change. I know it's hard to not let your mind go down all the paths that those awful thoughts want to take you down, but try make yourself stop when you can. Just keep going thru the motions of living, you will eventually feel different. Hang in there, and take a deep breath. And keep talking to the people on here, it helps to talk it out.

I AM stuck this way forever. I do not recognize myself at all. I don't know who I am. I am so devastated by my divorce and I have no life and am nobody without that marriage despite the abuse and however bad it was, at least it was living.

I feel so bored no matter what I do. I feel like I need to stay busy all day long and that is not possible.

what is wrong with me?

Like today:

I woke up, cleaned the house for a showing, then took my 5 year old son to a playdate (my daughter was napping and at home with my mother) for 3 hours and chatted and had a good time with the mom and now we are back at home.

I should feel good about the day but I don't.

I am going nutty just being in this house but I know that I cannot take the kids out anywhere because my son was out all day and he is tired. I could take my daughter out and my son stay with my mom but I feel guilty because my son would want me to be home.

Right now my mom is playing with them in the play room but I cannot get myself to go play with them. I feel like I will go crazy just sitting there leisurely because all my racing thoughts about time passing, aging and dying will consume me while playing in the play room. I also feel like we should be doing something else instead of sitting at home. I don't know. I will join them after I write this but I feel I should be doing something else. I could go to a yoga class but then I feel guilty leaving them. I could do some spring cleaning but again I feel guilty not spending time with them because what if I die soon.

There is no structure to my life.

It is just not natural for a family to be broken up by divorce.

I don't have a rhythm, routine to my life anymore-it's like just do whatever I want to every day and I hate it. I hate having to be with myself all the time making every decision and doing everything on my own.

I feel like I have no life and I am just running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

I feel like nothing I do is the right thing and every choice I make is wrong. I just feel I am living the wrong way. Life seems meaningless because I am divorced, a single parent, and have my kids only half the time and there is no structure or routine.

I feel like time is running out.

I will never feel peace or security or safe.

I cannot handle this uncertainty. I cannot live with these thoughts, worries, knowledge, fears of time passing, aging and dying.

I am sooo devastated by my divorce because I lost EVERYTHING and it is too late to go back even because he will never change.

what do I do. I can't live without him or with him.

I have no life and anything I try to do seems pointless.

meds and therapy are not working AT ALL.

there is no help for me and I cannot help myself.

You are grieving, feary. Unmask the fallacies of your self-thoughts:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/soc...5/METHOD=print
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sel...9/METHOD=print
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/pos...9/METHOD=print

Thank you so much but the problem is I cannot get myself to do the "work" required to get better. I just can't. I even think I don't want to get better. I don't know why though because it's scary for me to be well?

I don't know. But I just feel overwhelmed by the thought of helping myself or something.

Do you agree what you are doing is not working? If so, what can you do to change? Put your fear aside and TRY. Start small with an easy task. Do something. Anything. But you have to TRY. You children need you too.

Good luck.

I do try all day every day but nothing works. I try different things. I do things differently.

All I do is put my fear aside and still do things.

I try and try and try but nothing will help because I just do not want to age and die and I know it is a reality and I have to accept it but I just cannot because I feel so unsafe in the world and my life has been shattered and I have no self-esteem or feeling of security.

I'm sorry, you are extremely supportive and kind to help and thank you but I am beyond help. I have too much pain and hurt and I loathe myself- I feel so disgusted with myself all the time. It makes me sick to look in the mirror or see my skin etc.

I need to stop posting here.

((((((feary))))), I am so sorry for what you are going thru it must be devastating....but you have to tell your self that you are strong and will get thru it.....I went thru the same thing and lost my children to there father and I have never seen them again...I know the feeling of despair and hopelessness and can only say that you will survive and I send strength and peace your way.

thank you valfor. I feel awful for you that you never get to see your kids at all. It must be so tough. How do you stay balanced?

I can't bear to be around my kids bc I am so sad and anxious all the time so I avoid them

I am just too devastated

there is no way I could have a normal life bc aging deeply depresses me and dying terrifies me and knowing I cannot avoid these things worries me

What makes it worse is expecting it to happen any day now

I wish I could just stop thinking about it

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. The 23rd Psalm is a powerful prayer. As you recite each word slowly, it has a calming and reassuring effect. Find a quiet place in your mind and try it.

well, i went to my psychiatrist today again.

I have only been on ativan 1-2 mg since november.

I am being referred to the anxiety disorders clinic here but they don't give appts until one month later.

My psychiatrist put me on effexor. and she wants to add on adderall later.

Does anyone know anything about these meds? any advice etc?

I have been on a high dose of effexor for about a year now..I also take Geodon to fight the irrational thoughts..The high dose of Effexor seems to work for me..I take Cogentin to fight the side affects of the geodon such as hand tremors and repeatadly flicking my toes..After your on the effexor for a while ask them to increase the dose..

This isn't meant to sound pessimistic - but we are all aging and getting closer to death all the time. Let's imagine for a minute, you're going to live to 100 yrs of age. Do you want to look back, at all the time you spent worrying - that would be a waste. All we can do is live a healthy as we can. Your children need you now. I know it's terrible when a family splits up, but thank God you still get to see your children. This is what has kept me in my marriage - I don't want my kids to suffer from a split.

We're more than just our outer appearance. I spoken several times about this Irai veteran who got severely burned in a Iraqi bomb blast. By normal standards he might be hideous but as I watched him speak - I was amazed at his charisma and inner beauty. He even got a job acting on a famous soap opera.

Try to appreciate what you have at this moment. You can't worry about something that might not happen for decades. Is it possible for one day, imagine you're putting all your worries in a locked box - then go on with your day. All children want, is for their parents to enjoy the present moment with them. Are you on medication? I hope you feel better.