unrelenting panic

oh my god

no one helped me really helped here and now I am beyond recovery it's too late way too late

they all just sat around living freely and normally and just repeating it will go away you will be fine

that's it

no comfort, no love, no support, nothing

Imagine yourself looking distinguished. Experienced. Full of wisdom. You'd be surprised how you can fake people out. It can be enjoyable.

i can't take this life

no one understands

i have a severe fear of aging and dying and they all think it is no big deal

now it's too late for me to recover

i lost everything and everyone

my mother being here completely debilitated me and left me unable to do anything

feary, when you sell your home and move elsewhere is a perfect time to put control for your life and children back into your own hands and out of your mothers. Even though she means well, our day-to-day responsiblities keep us busy and distract us during the rough periods. It helps create a positive attitude that says "I'm gonna keep going and I'll make it."

i have to find a way to end it

this is too intense and hopeless

just that this happened at all is enough to ruin my life forever

there is no recovery for me

i do not want to die soon I know no one does

but I have two small children and I can't handle that I could die soon and that i will think about aging and dying all day every day so I need to end it
there is no hope

and it has been proven that nothing helps or works for me

You are a unique person, but your condition is not. We all have varying degrees and levels of pain and anguish, and I am so sorry to hear you are hurting. If I could I would take on your burden of pain, but please don't give up! Believe me, your condition is not unique, there is help for you, and people here want the very best for you! Persevere my friend, don't stop searching. I am here to listen, stop by anytime. Good luck!

I hate life I hate myself and I hate everyone around me

My kids are away from me every half the time with this damn custody

I am divorced from an abuser yes but also from a life which I truly loved and felt proud about

I lost everything and I am sick of everyone telling me I will be fine and my life will be fine because I know 100% nothing will ever be fine again

I despise who I have become and the mother that I am or I should say am not

my son coughs and an automatic feeling of panic hits me and I think he has cancer

my daughter drinks some juice and i think its going to kill her

there's just so many things I can write that are wrong that convince me I will never be well

i just wish i had my kids all the time and some company and companionship

I just wish I could accept aging and dying

I am torturing my amazing parents with my mental issues and anger and terror and pain but I keep asking them to just leave me and they continue to be around me and I cannot control my panic at all so they suffer too

I can't stop crying

just need to vent

i am so terrified of every single thing

life scares me death scares me aging scares me

i am so depressed

none of this can ever get better

i am a useless mother, pathetic

i try so hard but i just keep getting shot down

I wish my ex husband wasnt so evil

he smashed all my dreams and sense of security and safety and he still terrorizes me

i have no hope

i am a failure to my kids and everyone

I feel so threatened and unsafe every second

I wish I was never born

I have nothing and no one and I hate this life

I hate that I am divorced and share custody

I would rather have my kids all the time or none of the time

it's too torturous to get them only half the time

I miss who I used to be and I will never be her again

I wish I was never born

I have had a miserable life and it is only going to get worse

I feel horrible for my kids who have me as their mom how unlucky for them

I know I can never be cured

there's too much wrong in my life

feary it seems as if you have already decided and just keep continually affirming the negative with post after post.

Why would you be proud of being married to an evil abuser? what in that situation makes you so proud of who you were? Was it the home? the prestige? the power? please tell me exactly what it is that you miss about that evil abuser and the abuse he threw at you?

You know we are here for you and that we support you as very best we can. But you need to begin telling us more than what you've lost and what you've left behind, why is it "materialisms" that defined you?

No one is their marriage, no one is their house or car or furniture, most of all no wife is her husband, and I need to know if you are telling us that you don't exist because you are not his wife any longer?

((((hugs dear feary))))

yes, I am nothing without him

he gave me a social life, parties, dressing up, travel, high society, glamor, power, beauty, confidence in my life, I was in charge of my kids and the house and I worked and so much company and people around and so much to do and stay busy

now I have NOTHING and am all alone with only half custody

I tried everything and so many times with so many people and no one wants to be friends with me

now I feel tremendously old and ugly and empty and life is meaningless and lonely

I just hate my life now and no matter what I do it is never enough or makes me feel good at all

It sounds as though you need someone who can give you some big HUGS. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((feary)))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you pachy

I do

I feel so abandoned and unloved

More hugs: (feary)

thank you

I am really really doing awful

I lost all hope, motivation, self-esteem, self-confidence, function, feelings and feel intense panic, depression, anxiety, crying, hopelessness, missing my past, overwhelmed

There is no cure for aging and dying and thinking about it and feeling it and remembering the past and missing it and wanting to go back and being depressed about losing my youth and not being able to do things freely, dream

I have no hope at all

I can't enjoy a single second even with my kids

its not possible to live with the fear of dying and aging

its not anymore because this has gotten too intense and infested every single second and every single thought

I am paralyzed by fear

I am terrified with my kids

can you believe it????

I am terrified to take care of them to raise them to do the littlest things for them

my mother cares for them when they are with us

i abandoned them

every noise, light, movement everything disturbs and agitates me

I have so much terror that all I want to do is nothing and just take sedatives, sleep and wait for death because I am convinced 100% it is going to happen very soon

my abuser won, he destroyed me completely forever, he won

I killed myself building a life for us and he destroyed everything for me

I have too much terror of dying soon

Still more HUGS (((((feary)))))

I just don't know what to do

there's no way to get over aging and dying for me

I know it

I just took a xanax so I could pass out all day and avoid the day

I am thinking of taking another one and more every day because there is no purpose to my life since I cannot function anymore

I feel so unsafe and threatened every second and my 62 year old mother is living fully with zero fear and no worries and living MY life

Im so ashamed and worried and terrified

I kept begging my parents and therapist and psychiatrist to help me and I can't do anything for myself at all now since I am paralyzed by fear and have zero hope and every second is infested with disturbing thoughts because I know i will get worse but no one did anything

I have no interest in raising my kids with these fears, depression, memories, anxiety, excessive worry, inability to function, inability to care for the kids, inability to dream, inability to enjoy, divorce, custody, inability to see a good future, inability to think normally and act normally, zero self-esteem, zero self-confidence, no stability, no security, no certainty, no safety, no life, no direction

I can't do this to them, have them around a crazy pathetic loser like me, scared every second of everything

what would you do if you were me???

((((((((feary))))))))) I'm so sorry for the emotional turmoil you are experiencing. And I'm sorry that you haven't received the help you need. I really hope that something changes for the better for you very soon.

thank you

but it just can't

I have become a monster and there is no assurance that my kids will not die early and that I will not die before they are grown so there is no hope

and just that I am going to age and die and that I cannot function normally is too much to bear

and this divorce and custody terrifies me immensely

and I am tormented by memories of the past bombarded every second

i am terribly depressed and upset about my children and I know their lives are ruined because of me as their mother and that kills me

I am going to lose my children to my abusive ex I know it

he is tormenting me still

and my mother constantly comments on how bad a mother I am

I have found to my surprise that trying to avoid recognizing that I am afraid, trying to deny it, actually increases my fear, in the long run. It is only when I can acknowledge to myself that I am afraid, inside my own mind, that I become less afraid.

That was one of the things most hated (and feared) by my mother: to acknowledge fear, to express fear. So we learned to suppress it. Out of the light the feelings grew and grew and grew.

My cats have no problems admitting when they are afraid of something --- they just run. Not always a good strategy, but at least they are honest about their feelings.

I would attempt to take my life back one baby step at a time. You seem to lack any initiative to do so. You are raising two young children. They started out pulling themselves up to their feet, slowly taking their first steps and before long beginning to run. Take it from me feary, life is too short to waste a minute of it. Looking back I can't believe where all the years have gone. Don't waste more time looking back, begin to live today.

feary,
How would you respond to yourself?