[Rhapsody]

Hello NEW here... needing support for my FEAR of being in public - watching TV - and some times even being alive, from my anxiety of seeing Beautiful Young Sexy Females (the ones my husband seems to desire over me, his lust "sexual addiction" has come to haunt me, controls my every move - my life).

Help!! Help!! Help!!

How can one live, have a life, when she FEARS sexy females and they are every where ones turns in this world?

I feel trapped and hopeless..... void & empty.

[Myzen]

Hi Rhapsody,

I can feel your post, and how your husband has made you feel.

It is so sad when a person invalidates another person, and makes them feel so unhappy. It seems like your husband has put you in a position where you feel threatened and triggered by every young girl in the world.

He should be valuing you as the person who he chose to marry (over and above everyone else) and protecting and comforting you.

Rhapsody, as a married guy myself, I would say that this sounds like his problem not yours!

Good thoughts, and welcome to a very helpful place.

Myzen

[Rhapsody]

Thank you Myzen for your reply.....

and YES while I know this is totally my husbands problem and he alone must change / fix it (he has just recently owned & admitted it), - it is still a problem that cannot go without effecting the other spouse.
Ones marriage & love may never be the same again after sexual addiction has touched it.... not to mention the mind and emotions of the wounded spouse.

I do so hate how his addiction has effected, hurt, wounded and controls me now - I am a prisoner within my own house (and mind). The images I cannot escape.... they haunt me at every turn.

Does 20 years of marriage: of faithfulness and love not account for any thing to a man these days. And how can I, the mother of three and lady of almost 40 years compete with such young images that he allows his eyes to enjoy and his mind to have?

* * * *

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((Rhapsody))))))))))))))))))))

Your worth is not defined by his approval.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please keep posting, letting out all the anger, hurt and confusion you are feeling. We will be here to listen.



Huggles,

Jen

[Hopefull]

I feel your pain. My ex-boy friend has sexual addiction issues and this made him so demanding of my time. I just couldn't take it. I ended up breaking up with him. He was also rather manipulative even with all the boundaries that I had given him.
I hope you and your husband work it out. Are you and him getting in help in RL? I hope you are.

[Maven]

You're wrong about one thing...this isn't just your husband's problem, it's your problem, too. And he can't fix sexual addiction alone. He needs a good therapist, and you. In a marriage, one spouse's problem is both spouses' problem.

I can't give much advice on your problem, because I suffer a bit from the same kinds of feelings. I'm not dealing with a sexually-addicted partner, but I do have low self-esteem and a poor body image because of the images and attitudes given to us by society.

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Does 20 years of marriage: of faithfulness and love not account for any thing to a man these days.

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It really never has. Men have cheated since time began. Women have, too; I'm not trying to say all men cheat, and women don't. But I do think more men cheat than women; either that, or women are better at hiding it. Anyway, there are loyal men out there, but they are sometimes hard to find. The Internet just makes it easier for anyone to cheat.

[Rhapsody]

Dear Maven,

Yes, I agree with you that one spouse's problem is that of the other spouse and that is why I did not leave 10 years ago when his addiction was brought to light. I have stood by husband and I am determined to see it through to the end.
What I guess I meant by "his problem" was that while I want him to change, need him to change and support his change.... I cannot make it happen, he must be willing and wanting of the change to take place or it never will happen. I can only change me and no one else - he must be responsible for his own actions & thoughts.

I wish to expound on my first post and say that my main concern is not that of my husbands addiction, but rather that of what his addiction had done to my mind, the thoughts that now control me.... I feel lost and unable to cope with how I react when I see them (sexy images, real life or in pics) - for I believe (right or wrong) that I am found not wanting and worthless for I no longer look as they do.... these images I now believe to be more important to my husband than I am to him (right or wrong).

I fear that his sexual addiction compounded with my past abuse and other life events has left with me a form of BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) and unless I can get it under control - I will parish, for my irrational thoughts controls my life, keeps me a prisoner with in my own house. FEAR lives with in my mind when I see... that of which I am not.

* * * *

Can any one relate with the disorder of which I speak of? - does any one else suffer from BDD? - I seek help as a means to heal... to heal the me that I have lost.

Thanks...
LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
My deepest (biggest) FEAR is that I will be replaced... by another.

[Myzen]

Hi folks,

Yes, you're right Maven, lack of validation is a problem that affects both partners in a marriage, although it might start from the psychology of one of the partners. I hadn't thought that through.

In my view, lots of married people will look admiringly at a member of the opposite sex; the problem only deepens when this compromises the loving relationship they have with their own partner. It is the security of the relationship that really matters.

Rhapsody, I believe that your husband needs to convince you that he loves and respects you as a person, not just in a sexual way; that is the key to all good marriages. He needs to learn to share that feeling with you, and maybe he will. Sometimes men have loving feelings that they can't share or express, and they need some help.

Your fear of replacement must be horrible for you, and that is a deep fear for many of us. Without security in our own hearts, life is a hard road for us, full of anxiety.

A good therapist will know how to approach the problem, I'm sure of that, and I hope that you get some relief soon. You've had a hard time.

Good thoughts, M

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Myzen said:
Rhapsody, I believe that your husband needs to convince you that he loves and respects you as a person, not just in a sexual way; that is the key to all good marriages. He needs to learn to share that feeling with you, and maybe he will. Sometimes men have loving feelings that they can't share or express, and they need some help.

Your fear of replacement must be horrible for you, and that is a deep fear for many of us. Without security in our own hearts, life is a hard road for us, full of anxiety.


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That probably says it all... for while my husband has been able to see past his evil sinful ways (after 10 yrs) and how it has torn me apart (inside and out) and how he is now trying to stop all the negative behaviors, especially the lusting that has destroyed our love, I still cannot seem to get past the after effect, the residue that is left over in me - the way it has left me feeling and/ or reacting.

While I know my husband loves me this one thought continues to control me.... I can only have victory (heal) when I am able to FEEL that my husband needs me as much as I believe (THINK) he emotionally needs them (the sexy images).

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

MY WORLD....... my LIFE.

I................. HATE - the image that looks back at ME in the mirror after I take a shower, I live in total torment and h*ll until I am able to apply the makeup and fix the hair, then the monster I call UGLY calms a little... well, that is until the morning returns (day after day after day).

>>> the body (fat &amp; ugly) is hidden away from the eye, baggy shirts remain a friend, a false safety from rejection - a wall of protection that kills...

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((Rhap)))))))))))))))))))

[Rhapsody]

Thanks.... jmo

and YES, fear is the path to the Dark-Side and yet that is the unwelcome ness of a PHOBIA - it comes to visit rather you invite it in or not.

NOW - to find a way to make it leave and for good.... to return my LIFE unto ME.

Any ideals.... any one?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

I wonder.......

Is there not ONE, just ONE person out there that understands where I am coming from - that knows of which I speak and that can help me over come the FEAR (the phobia of - beautiful young slender sexy females) that keeps me confined as a prisoner within my own house - due to the mind and how it has been effected over the years?

I need to talk... to have some one talk to ME.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[attekus]

I hate to say this but I think I might have the same fear. I hate going places where beautiful girls are with my boyfriend because it makes me feel like sinking into the floor so that nobody can see me. I don't know if I am really ugly but I feel like I don't exist and I start to act weird and can't communicate and I end up frustrated. I don't know why this happens but I just wanted to let you know that I do this to myself, noone else is doing anything to me.

[Rhapsody]

I am sorry Fury, but to whom were you speaking.... to me or to another on here? - for I do not see where you made a post on this particular thread except for this one.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
attekus said:
I don't know why this happens but I just wanted to let you know that I do this to myself, no one else is doing anything to me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Dear attekus,

YES, believe ME I do understand that no one is doing this to you or to me, that it is all held with in the MIND, our personal inner belief system, but I do know that these feelings did not get there on their own... some one (or many others) helped to create such FEAR in us both.
While another person might have wounded our soul (our heart), hence helped to create this monster in our mind - it is our fight and only we can change it.

I just needed someone to talk to about it all, some one that truly understands me and will not judge me - no matter what.

I ordered the book "The Broken Mirror" yesterday - it is suppose to explain and help with this disorder of BDD. I will let you know how it goes...

If I may ask? - when did you first start to feel as though your looks, or the lack of them, controlled you (or that of the looks of another)? What or who first made you feel UGLY, less than perfect in their eyes, per their opinion?

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[attekus]

Dear Rhapsody,
I started having anxiety about my appearance when I was very young. I was a chubby child and teenager and was ashamed of the way I looked because my mother put me on slim fast diets and was ashamed of the way I looked and was critical of me. I don't think I was really fat, but I don't know for sure so whenever I look in the mirror now that's what I see and I feel ashamed of what I look like even though I really know that I look like most people do. I also got real uncomfortable around other people when I was a teenager because in school some of the people I thought were my friends drew a picture of me on a bulletin board and I was supposed to be a pig eating candy. I really hate to be looked at now because of what I think they are thinking. I know it’s crazy and I try to force myself to go out anyway. I spent so many years of my life trying to diet and be thin and I did get that way, but I would still look in the mirror and something about how I see myself would still not look right and I changed my clothes a bunch of times and change my hair and keep working on how I look for hours. It’s a nightmare and I am in therapy and I’m bi-polar with (personality disorder clusters). I think I need to order that book too.
Attekus

[Rhapsody]

I purchased my book online from Amazon for $7.95.... they are $10 cheaper than any other place in town or online that I have seen the book being sold for.

Check back later - I will write some more after I finish getting ready for the day.
Having a really bad day - mad / angry at the world, my husband, the females and GOD.
This too shall pass....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...661001-1259956

[Rhapsody]

What I am feeling at the MOMENT -

BEAUTY is in the EYE of the BEHOLDER....
So, with that thought I guess my own husband does NOT behold me any more, for age has taken away his Young-Slender-Sexy Maiden (that which pleases him) and has left an unattractive female in its place.

Sad... Sad... Sad... Sad... Sad...

* * * * * * *

btw - these are my feelings and not that of his words... that which years of his eyes and rejection has done to me.
While my husband has now seen the error of his ways and is trying to change, I find I must still deal with the after math from with in....... that which does not leave.

[attekus]

Dear Rhapsody,

I had a long response written but I accidently deleted it when I went to preview it.

This will be shorter because I have to go to a dental appt. ick.

I was in a relationship with a sex addict and nothing I did to look good made a bit of difference and I was knocking myself out to lose weight and I even dyed my hair blonde because he cheated on me with a blonde.

This story of what happened with him is really long so I won't tell it all but for him it wasn't about appearances it was the excitement I think and he said he couldn't help it.

I'm in a different relationship now and am with someone who doesn't care about how I look because he knows it's about what's inside not outside. Anyone could be in an accident and their physical beauty taken.

I sure hope that your husband appreciates how hard you try to be what he wants and I sure hope that you can find some peace today.
Susan

[Rhapsody]

Thanks for the reply attekus,

Sorry to hear that your letter got deleted... I always write my reply on my ISP email and check it that way - then I post it on the forum, I have never lost a post since then.

Yes, I totally agree that it is what is on the inside that counts and trust ME my dear husband feels the same way and that is why he still LOVES me (no matter what) - I guess it is just me that cannot get past the wound that lies with in my soul and all the junk that comes with it. I just wish people would think before they wound in the first place - for some wounds never heal, or at least not completely.

And believe be me I do understand the addiction we call PORN and the effects that comes with it - to the user and to the spouse.
For my husband it all started back in his teen years when he found his dads dirty magazines during a time of emotional need.... they fulfilled something in him that nothing else could touch at that moment in life. I guess one can say that he turns to them when he needs to feel emotionally ok or like a man - without fear of rejection that comes with a real person.

I just wish I did not have to share my husband and my marriage with all those images - but at least he does not actually cheat on me physically with another, just sexually through his eyes & mind (well, 2 months without and he is still trying - and I am dying). It seems as though when he stopped his actions and I did not have to work so hard at being safe from his eyes that I was left to deal with me and WOW what an issue to deal with... life or death at times.
I fear young sexy females so for my deepest pain is that I might be replaced (childhood events) and these female images are the closest thing that my husband has let into my space - in to his sexual mind.

* * * * * * *

I guess that is why I always do my best to treat people with love and respect at all times - for one never knows how our selfish actions might effect another.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
May I ask? - to you and to any one else who wishes to answers... am I over reacting to his looking at young sexy females? (and) Should I just get over it? - if I can...

[blackdragon]

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) welcome to psych central

[Rhapsody]

THANKS.... will everyone pleases keep ME in mind today - I will be seeking the help of a therapist today, to help me sort out all these yucky feelings.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

Hello & Good Morning... (i think)

Just needing to share -
I had to go out yesterday for about an hour and I tried not to think about it, the stress of being in public and of the eyes. But the body went out on a limb and it panicked on me and went off the wall about 5 minutes into having to leave the safety of my car and enter a business to pick up some thing for my husband.... to many females, to many curves, to many young people, to many pretty faces, to many tight pants & shirts, to many body parts - I crumbled.

It was all I could do to get home fast enough (while in full blown fear and tears) - once home I calmed and life was not such a scary place to be alive in - I loved seeing the face of my son and husband, my life line - my safety zone.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[ByAThread]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. What an awful self-imprisonment. I can relate somewhat in that I feel terribly ugly.. I have felt ugly since my husband got involved with another girl.. I want plastic surgery, a nose job a boob job.. I NEVER cared about these things before.. now I obsess.
I dont have any advice...just wanted to send out some love so you know that someone cares...