discovering triggers!! - Long Rant

Some of you may know the story about my "clingy" neighbor; and old lady who's life was filled with abuse starting with her caregivers, her husbands (2) and all six of her children.

At first, I felt great compassion for her and was there for her whenever and for whatever. That is, until I started feeling dread as I approached her house as I was walking my dog. She always expected me to stop and "have a cigarette" with her. It was usually hours before I could get away and continue my dog's walk.

Then she started coming over and either asking if she could borrow a CARTON of cigarettes or if she could buy one and pay for it by check. For hours on end I would listen to how she was bouncing checks all over the place and was always in the red because of overdaft fees.

It got to the point where I would avoid her street and there have been times I haven't answered the door when she comes and knocks on it.

My anger level has been going steady upward. All I have to do is look at her house and I start swearing under my breath.

A couple of days ago, she was sitting on her porch facing her wall LOL and I tried to go right on by. I heard her whistle but I kept going. Sorry, but I have a name and she knows what it is! A couple of blocks away, my cell phone rings but I don't answer it. It rings again and I still don't answer. There are two messages left. I pick them up and it's her. One to tell me that her phone is working again... SO? and the other I only listened to the first sentence "WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME????" That was it! I deleted both messages and swore under my breath and trembled for the rest of the walk with my dog. Poor baby knew there was something wrong because she, too, stopped enjoying her sniffing and running around. She stayed by my chair and kept looking at me like "What did I do, Mommy?"

I stewed and fretted for a couple of days. There was no way I was going to call her or go by, but I had to say something because what I was doing wasn't working.

I finally took out a greeting card that I had in reserve and wrote her a note leaving out most of the real reasons why I can't be her friend anymore. I did mention her angry call and told her that I felt guilt unnecessarily. My reasons were mostly that I don't have time to socialize anymore since I'm starting up a business out of my home and that I'm sorry that I can't live up to her EXPECTATIONS of me!

The real truth is that she's demanding and manipulative and makes me feel like she's putting me in a box of her own design! It's no wonder I was tempted from time to time to call her "mama". <-- frustration, the anger is separate

Somehwere in the last month or so I've come to realize that I still do have triggers left over from the years that I had my mother. She would manipulate me, too. She'd "throw guilt" with the best of them! She'd restrain me physically and emotionally. NO MORE!! NO MORE!!!!! I'm an old woman and I've earned my independence and my freedom! I give it up to a Very Select Few of My Own Free Will and it sure as hell ain't my neighbor! %#@&amp;#! ^*&amp;$ #$%&amp;* #@&amp;#! #$%^ %% @%#@&amp;#! #!&amp;#*!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Oh, geez!! It's a relief to get it out but I'm shaking again.

If you've read this far, I admire you. Thank you so very much. Now... what is it I'm supposed to do to relax?

Oh, I hate that when something that got to be a habit stops and then you have to explain to the other person and can't quite do it. She probably won't stop trying to engage you either or you'll still tense going near her house or having to go a different route, etc. Feeling held captive.

I would occasionally take "her" route but say "Hi" and keep going if she's out. I wouldn't have any extra cigarettes she can borrow or buy ("Sorry, all I have are mine" LOL) and try to be pleasant but not engaging. I'd be VERY preoccupied and not respond or I'd start talking about the most boring problem of my own I could think of :-)

Thanks for making me smile. I needed that. She never listens to anything I say. Whatever I can come up with, she makes it all about HER. I've told her that I buy my month's supply of cigs and that's all I have, that it's a pain to get hubby to go back to the store for me. It hits a brick wall.

If I wave as I go by, she'll shout "HEY!" again, not calling me by name. gggrrrrr I used to want to grab her and shake her til her teeth fell out, maybe slap her around a bit. That's what she used to understand... maybe still does. Not gonna let her put me in that possition of even FEELING like it. Her daughter does it often enough. I've tried to help her with that, too, but to no avail.

Ya know Tomi, there are just some folks out there who wallow in their difficulties because being the victim is the only role they know. There is NO getting through to them, there is NO helping them as they are not in a place to accept and learn from.

You will only feel guilty if you allow yourself to feel guilty. We all have to learn where to place our boundaries...its not always an easy thing to learn and many times there is some damage done before we're able to put them into place.

You should be able to tell this woman exactly why you can't be her friend anymore...of course being as compassionate as possible. Sometimes being honest is excatly what a person needs to hear, even if you think it is hurtful. One can be honest while still being considerate of the others feelings

(((((((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))))))))


sabby

it stinks to have people like that. they are like leeches! latch on and won't let go. stand your ground hon.

(((((((((((( SeptemberMorn ))))))))))) No advice, just a big hug.

(((((((((((((( Tomi ))))))))))))))

You're so right! There is no helping her. She does what she well wants to do and doesn't listen, not even if the whole park tells her she's wrong. She's done that and was sorry not two weeks later. She's most definitely in victim mode in some areas of her life and runs all over people in other areas.

She's in her mid seventies so no amount of telling her or trying to help her is going to change anything.

I rehearsed what I was going to say to her several different ways but they all sounded harsh and hurtful. At her age, she's not going to change. She's just going to stop the next person that walks by and says "Hi" and tell them how she's so put upon. Never could get a word in edgewise with her anyway. If I did, she'd immediately turn it around and made it about her plus 100 times worse that I had it.

No damage done to me and the damage done to the "friendship" isn't on me. It just took me a while to set my boundaries with her because of her age and I was trying to give compassion a chance. It didn't work. Ah, well...

I'm standing my ground, Hon. Can't deal with that kind of stuff anymore. There's no reason to, either. Just hope it doesn't take me too long to stop tensing up when I approach her street when I've got my dog out. No need to change my course, either, by golly!

ooooooooooooooo It gets dark inside the hug of a winged horse!

You know I love you, Oh, Great Winged One! I'll bet that's what it's like being hugged by an angel.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} ... and now a bear hug!

((sept))
Not sure if this helps > But i have a friend who lost her husband 2 years ago. She is very needy "which i understand" as she has had a lot go wrong in her life. When ever things go wrong she calls me.
The other night she called and had a issue. I told her right from the start " She mattered."
which stopped the whole thing. She wanted to know someone cared.

My dad who passed in his 70s was always showing ppl his collections. over and over he did this. One young man who lived across the street listened to him for ages. My dad could go on and on. He was a needy person. That young person made a difference.

I have a lady who comes in my store. Everytime same story over and over. I listen,.......thats all i can do...

You have to do whats right for you...........
I agree with sabby when she said this"One can be honest while still being considerate"
good luck and may peace find you

Thanks, Muffy. I understand what you're saying. If I thought I was the only friend this woman has, I probably would have thought and felt differently. I'm not, though. She goes to a senior care center three times a week. There, she's complained so much or demanded, that the van doesn't pick her up. She has one of the workers come get her in her private car. She has at least one neighbor that checks on her every day and she's got a friend that moved out here from New York before she did. She's always catching me up on that friend's woes. She's not alone and she's not helpless.

I think I'll find my peace as soon as I stop reacting to simply being on her street or seeing her house or feeling like I have to check if she's outside before I can go by.

Before all this started, I didn't realize that I still had an exposed trigger. It's there and all I can do is work on it in my own time. It's not pleasant when someone triggers you the way she does me. I'd much rather not have that trigger, ya know?

Thanks for your input, Muffy. I appreciate it.

i hear that September... i keep finding new triggers every day... they kind of merge with the old ones and pretty soon i am a ball of triggers....

i would say, you know, the usual, calm and breathe and look out the window and imagine a nicer day, nicer moment in your mind and let that expand out from you... but, we all have our own ways i guess..

your neighbor sounds lonely to me....

(((((sept)))))



Don't worry, when you're walking your virtual dog past my virtual home i wont ask for cigeretts, LOL, i don't smoke

Ah, Darrel... she not only sounds lonely, she acts lonely and she looks lonely, but I can't help but think it's her own fault, the way she controls people. Honestly, I wish I could help... but I can't. I've tried... and I only wind up getting used. Just can't deal with that or with being manipulated and controlled. BIG triggers!

Luckily, I've got a bay window to my right that I can look out of and a small window right to my left that I can look out of and see pleasant sights. My imagination has no problems with taking me away.

Thanks for responding, Darrel. It's good to know that we can still agree on some things.

But will you promise to call me by my name, come sit on your steps and talk to me for a bit? I promise I'll sit upwind from you if I decide to light up!

Of course Tomi

Thank you, Julie!

hey lady ya gots a cigar butt,
seriously Dearheart, ya got to tell this "poor soul " alllllll your troubles then ask her if this person sounds familiar, don't worry about hurting her feelings she has none because she's thinking of herself only
Twingie

Just wanted to say that I know how difficult it can be dealing with someone on a daily basis who triggers you. You seem to be standing your ground and saying no more. I wish I could do the same.

Crap, Angie! She doesn't let me get a word in edgewise! If I happen to, she makes it all about HER!

Hey, I saw her today from about a block away and I didn't tighten up!

A cigar butt???? eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Sorry, no. I don't have one of those. LOLOL

Like most anything that you really want or need, it's difficult to accomplish but it's still doable... with a little time. I'll be your rooting section if you want one.

Aw, SeptemberMorn, I can understand why this woman would trigger you - but you got me feeling a bit sorry for her. Send her over to MY neighborhood. I get lonely too AND I have no life - so it wouldn't be a stretch if our conversations revolved all around her.

LOL Please! Come get her! I'm willing to bet you'll want to return her in about six months, though.

Wonder how you would deal with her abusive daughter when she comes to stay for a week or so? The old lady turned her in to Senior Abuse and didn't get anywhere with it. Not sure who was full of bull there.

You'll get a real kick out of her stories about her dad. She can tell a good story but about after the third time you hear it, it gets old. She'll swear to you she's never told you that one before even if you stay one step ahead of her in the story.

It's not all bad but I can't deal with the trigger.