[TgrsPurr]

Okay, you all are gonna have to bare with me as I try to muddle through this and actually get my thoughts out somewhat coherently.

I'm cycling BIG TIME!!! I'm in a "mixed state", barely functioning. I don't know how I'm here at work, I just know that I have to be (boss is out of town and I'm his link to the office and everything going on). I haven't slept in over 48 hours and the last several nights before that weren't exactly what I'd call "good" either. My eyeballs hurt so bad from lack of sleep, lack of REM, lack of rest. I lie in bed unable to keep them closed yet so exhausted I can't even think straight. Last night, out of nowhere, I started crying hysterically over my cat who died in July of this past year. I just started missing him so much. Anyway, I never left my apt this weekend, didn't accomplish anything, I can't keep still and yet my body aches with exhaustion. My nerves are shot, I've had a great deal of anxiety and panic...I'm not sure about what...seems like everything and yet nothing. It's obvious to all that I'm "not well" right now and yet I can see in everyones eyes that they don't know how to treat me...what to say...so they just keep away from me, which is probably for the best anyway....but I hate feeling like I have the bubonic plague or something. I'm just so full of pain and sadness and misery that I'm overwhelmed by it all. I can't see beyond it, I can't see behind it and I can't see around it. I "know" this is the chemical imbalance in my brain doing this to me...but in the midst of it all, it's small consolation, ya know? I'm scared. I feel so....gosh, I don't really know how I feel. I called my t and she asked me how I'm doing....I told her "I just don't know, I have no idea how I am". Can you guys understand that? I'm on a rollercoaster ride that won't stop and I can't get off and I feel so sick and worn out I'm screaming for it to stop but it only goes faster and faster...and you know what happens next....CRASH! BAM! BOOM! I'm so afraid of doing something stupid like I've always done in the past when it gets this bad...drugs, public breakdown, getting arrested, car accident...Oh God noooooo. And here comes the panic...talked myself right into that one didn't I?

Gosh, I'm totally babbling. But I just know some of you out there will understand. I really need some support right now from ppl who KNOW what I'm talking about...who've been here. I'm on the verge of completely freaking out! I know I must sound ridiculous and pathetic...please try to overlook that and see into my heart. I feel like I'm dieing here...and now comes the tears...
TgrsPurr.

[nothemama8]

Your not babbling, we're here just keep talking sweet TgrsPurr, I know where your at and I know the feeling will pass, try focusing on what it is like to come off the rollercoaster
Angie

[TgrsPurr]

Thanks Angie, I appreciate your support sooo much. Gosh, I'm tired. I'm finally home again after a long, long, long day. The Rollercoaster has slowed down a bit now that I don't have people expecting some kind of performance from me...oh the sweet smell of solitude. Speaking of smell, for some reason my sense of smell has been GREATLY hightened in this cycle. It's strange. I can smell everything and everyone. The smell of coffee, the smell of grass, the smell of my sheets, my own scent. Scents are illuminated, magnified....somehow. Some good, some not so good. At times overwhelming. Strange, indeed. TgrsPurr.

[sqrlb8]

I'm so sorry you're in the dumpster. I'm sorry you're afraid. But hey, it's freakin scary.

I know you ride bipolar bare back, and know your way around the un medicated cycle, so I'll dispense with some of the knee jerk responses down that avenue, and also speak directly to the part of you that has to keep you together.

If you don't already have an emergency plan in place with your boss for the coincidence of your cycle with his out of town plans, it sounds like you need one. You might know from experience how long to expect this disturbance in the force to continue, if you think about it. Sometimes that is some help. For that time, you really need to make yourself safe. I'm struck by how much better you sounded once you got home. I know that you still feel bad, but right now, every bit matters. You shouldn't really be at work. But I think you know that, and think you will go back tomorrow. lol. (you said you wanted to hear from people who "know" lol) But keep track, you know before you snap, but you have to act to protect yourself. That might mean not being at work for a while.

The thing is, it isn't like this thing is set for X number of days, and no matter what you do for those days, it will elapse at the predestined time. The things you do either make it worse or make it better. You can make it a lot longer and a lot more severe by exceeding your abilities. Rising to a challenge is one thing, and foolishness is another, when it's hardest to tell the difference, it matters the most.

You thought you were babbling. Sheesh.

To distill it all down to something finer, I just get the sense from you that you are tough and capable and able to do a fair amount of heroics rather routinely, and that you can be over confident in yourself when you really need to hunker down.

So, as your friend, I offer this. You know your way around, you have to make the call.

I hope you feel better right away.

[TgrsPurr]

Thanks sqrl. I'm much better today. Did mangage to get some sleep last night. What a relief! It's the lack of sleep that pushes me over the edge...I could not have gone one more night without some sleep. Indeed I am back at work this morning...sometimes I just have to suck it up and do my job. Don't always have a choice in the matter, ppl depend on me and if it means I end with a more spectacular breakdown than I would have had otherwise than so be it. That's a sacrifice I have to make. If only I could pick and choose when these things happened it certainly would make life more managable. But since I don't have that option....I suck it up. Perhaps I am overconfident in my ability to "suck it up", but perhaps its that very confidence that has allowed me to do it...and muddle through somehow and come out the other side still in tact. I'm still here, right? My boss does allow my "mental health" days in lieu of vacation time, normally this is not an issue as he's not out of town very often, just happened to be very bad timing with this particular cycle.

I find myself feeling particularly vulnerable this morning...having just reread my post. Not a pretty picture, huh? Oh well. I was open, honest and reached out for help...ultimately that's what really counts...not my pride. Bruised as it is, I feel glad I made that post (yes, I actually know how I'm feeling today, progress?). Thanks for the support Angie and sqrl. I'm eternally grateful. xo TgrsPurr.

[TgrsPurr]

Oh, hey, sqrl. Last night on the drive home from work, I was stuck on the interstate in a traffic jam (of course!) And the car in front of me had a license plate that read "SQWRL", was this a relative? LOL. TgrsPurr.

[nothemama8]

I always have time for you pussycat
Angie

[sqrlb8]

That's too funny seeing sqwrl on a license plate. I love unlikely events like that.

I'm glad you're feeling better, and hope you truly have no regrets for your post, it was beautiful. I think you are brave too to share such a fully dimensional view of yourself. And it helps the rest of us too.

I'm more the disappearing type when the train goes south. I can communicate in flat brain mode, but in crash brain mode, I'm just absent. lol. That's the only word for it.

I sure have a lot of respect for you.

[TgrsPurr]

Ya know sqrl, that's funny. I too am the disappearing type when I get in "crash brain mode". I hunker down and totally keep to myself, which was part of the problem I was having with being at my job yesterday, I'd been pulled out of my hunker down mode of the weekend and I was being deprived of doing what I know to work, which is why I became so desperate in needing to reach out here. I was being bombarded from all angles, internally AND externally, it became overload and I needed some kind of release, I got that here. But had I been home, you guys wouldn't be hearing from me. If you look at my user posts, I haven't posted in several days. I disappeared. Disappearing doesn't make anything okay, it just means I'm not spuing(sp?) my guts all over everyone, and therefore no "clean up" after the fact. Know what I mean? Perhaps I am a little too concerned with my "public" persona, a product of my upbringing, and probably a product of all the bad "press" I've received from past experience. Gosh, that hurts. No, it's humiliating and breeds shame and guilt. Who needs that? And that's the worst part of insomnia, laying awake reliving the humiliation, shame and guilt...all the taunting, haunting voices of ones past. Why pile up more to dwell on. I've got enough already to last me a lifetime of insomnia, lol.

Anyway, that's my thoughts about that. TgrsPurr.

[silver_queen]

Hey Tgrs, I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. i hope your mood improves from now on too.

[TgrsPurr]

Thank you so much Silver. Provided I get proper sleep, I should be able to better maintain my moods. That was scary! I appreciate that you care. TgrsPurr.

[sqrlb8]

Funny how many things this seems to touch on. Sure, we care about how we appear to others, and guilt and shame, and so we can view our "retreat" through that lens, and it's true to a point. But there is also a valid idea of energy conservation at play too. It takes energy to complain, and the complaining itself seems to lead to more pain not less. Silence then is a better choice energetically. You managed to convey the experience of the cycle to us in a balance of reality, exploration, honesty, on and on, you get the idea. Just trying to say you put it out there in a way we all got something out of, instead of a boat anchor of emotional dumpage. lol. I'll stop now.

[krzyk101]

Hi, I too suffer from the 'mixed states' among other things of mental illenss. I find it really to so much distress me as well as disrupt my life and my daily living. Unfortionatally I am not able to maintain employement due to my illness.

I am barely able to maintain independant living, I would guess this would be due to my vast array of medications taken yet at times or most of the time not responding to them all of the time just the functioning in which they are able to allow me to have at any given moment of time. The pdoc and the Case Manager and T tell me that the Mixed States are the most dificult of all bipolar things to treat and I would agree they are no way fun.

The panic for instance for me was this morning well yesterday morning as it is now almost 2 hours past midnight and the wakeing hour yesterday after being awake for my 48 hours or give or take a few. I have just summmed it up from looking and tracking what activities I did during that 48 or so hours. Ok, back to my panic would be upon waking and looking at my wristwatch around at this point I am not really sure what time I did wake, I recall around 8AM or so give or take.

I just know was day light out. So after looking at my wristwatch as I woke, I then to make for the panic had to look at the day of the week. This is a must when I get a wrist watch and then once awake i realized that it was Wednesday morning. Thinking to myself, "what time did I crash out yesterday? I found out by the clip board on the floor it was around two in the afternoon. So then I decided I had slept for around at least say 18 hours.

As I scrambled up and about going to the fridge, wondering if I had any cold soda to strart my day I was relieved that I did so have I recall. Then as I tried as I do after these never knowing waking post long insomnia sleeps, I began to attempt to locate my medication box. I finally found it gave it a look, and the AM box looked in tackt so I emptied the chamber of the various meds into my mouth took a swig of pop and prepared for my blind day which ended up and as continues to be not all to terrible yet unpredictibale.

I am glad that you are able to manage a job with so many responsibility's and yet suffer from such of a monstor of bi polar with mixed states. I guess for me I am not. Just maintaning is all I am capable for now of. Are you on any medications from your bipolar with mixed states? I would have to say your meds and what ever support system besides the forum are really doing you well since you are able to go from no sleep for 48 hours and then back to work on time and everything the very next day. I am glad things are going better for you yesterday or the day before.

Sorry I am rambling. I just find myself to be like, less than it seems as I can not do such responsibility's in life at least right now only am always hoping and waiting for a new mood stabalizer to hit the market to help my rollercoaster ride and my rapid cycling and mixed episodes.

Take care and Hope things are getting back to normal for you. I looked at your profile only nothing was specified other than your join date and such so know litle about you only hope today is a better day for you take care and peace to you.

[TgrsPurr]

I apologize for being incommunicado the past several days. I've been just beside myself with rapid cycling, severe depression, intense anxiety and emotional turmoil. But you know what I hate the most about this illness...how self absorbed it makes me. When all these emotions are twirling about inside me, it's so hard to see anything beyond them, or think about anything beyond them, or experience anything beyond them. Everything becomes entirely about me, and I hate that. I'm not comfortable with that. I don't like being that kind of person. It's impossible for me to be anything different though when the upheaval gets to be this bad. My whole life gets turned upside down and inside out. Everything becomes so cluttered, for lack of a better word. I keep tripping over myself.

I don't know if I'm making any sense here. I just wanted to vent a little and hopefully get some feedback from others if this is their experience too and maybe how they combat this self-absortion. My philosphy in life is that in giving we receive; in helping to heal others, we are healed; by helping to carry anothers burden, we are ourselves unburdened. Bp is the nemesis of this philosophy. TgrsPurr.

[sqrlb8]

Ya know, it is all about you some times. I'm in complete sympathy; I'm the same way. When I'm not neck deep in it at the moment, I can see that illness is illness, and when I'm ill, I need to take care of myself. But when I'm in the cycle, and hanging on by my fingernails, I just don't find the same compassion for myself as I would if I had the flu or pneumonia or something. But I can't see that it's any different. I hope to get better and better at being kind to myself. That the cycles are interruptive to my life, is something I can't change, but how I treat myself about that is something I can change.

Bp may be the nemesis of a good philosophy, but it is a gateway to the same, no?

[TgrsPurr]

sqrl, forgive me, I don't know if it's just that my brain is completely fried or if I'm just too big of a moron to get it...but I don't understand what you're saying here? Which is cause for pause...because you are always so concise and articulate to me. You have a way of putting things that I "get it". Am I losing my mind? I'm having frequent moments lately that I feel I truly am losing my mind. What do mean when you say "Bp may be the nemesis of a good philosophy, but it is a gateway to the same, no?". I'm sorry for being a little bit slow on the uptake. TgrsPurr.

[sqrlb8]

Ha, LOL, sorry to be so indecipherable. My thoughts rebel so at the single file requirement of writing them down, that in the ensuing fracas, what finally appears on a page is often either over wrought or stripped to the bone.

All I mean is that in terms of our philosophies, while bp can seem like the ultimate stressor to the practice of or faith in them, it ends up sparking our inquiry into them.

LOL, I'm starting to see that right after I say, "all I mean is..." something more confusing than the original is likeley to follow.

Like in relation to helping others, as you referred to in your previous post, cycling takes you away from helping others according to the bp as nemesis idea. According to the bp as gateway idea, your cycle opens the understanding of receiving help too. I'm always going on about perspective it seems.

Anyway, you're not slow in any sense, I just tend to write like an *** sometimes. LOL But, I'm ok with that.

[TgrsPurr]

LOL, you silly, silly sqrl! You most certainly do NOT write like an ***, quite the contrary! I think I got it now...because of the bp cycle I'm experiencing at present, it is allowing me to be more contemplative of these very philosophies I hold so dear, right? When in stasis, I don't think about it quite so conscientiously...I just do it, live it, be it. However, when I'm put in a state where I'm only allowed to consider these philosophies...it's broadening the horizons of my being able to live it out once this cycle comes to a close and therefore more deeply connect with others than pre-cycle, right? LOL, this is harder to write about than I thought. I'm the one writing this and I can't keep up or keep track of what I'm trying to say. Nonetheless, as a result of these interactions with you sqrl, I'm seeing things in a newer and brighter light. Thanks Hon! Tgrspurr

[nothemama8]

Tgrspurr, just checkin to see how your doin, have a wonderful Easter, don't eat too many chocolate bunnies
Angie

[TgrsPurr]

Thank you so much Angie for the concern, it's so nice to know that I'm being thought of.

I'm still cycling pretty intensely, no sign of relief anywhere in the near future. Sleep has been very evasive and patchy at best. I'm going monday to try to get some chemical assistance with that particular problem as I feel the sleeplessness is the culprit in this cycle that just won't stop rollercoastering (I think I just made up a word?) But the good news is that I'm still functioning in my day to day life, it's not quality living, it's just somehow squeaking by. I'm so happy the weekend is upon me and I can take a break from the pressures of work. Another culprit in this cycle never ending.

How are you Angie? You are such a wonderful and caring member of this forum. It's definately a better place for you being here. While I haven't been posting that much lately, I still come and check out what's happening...it's a welcome break from my own reality to vicariously escape into someone else's reality for even just a little while. So I come upon your replies to other ppl's posts and you are so warm, comforting and supportive. I, for one, thank you for that. TgrsPurr.

[nothemama8]

Thank you your pretty special yourself, I don't know if you celebrate Easter, but Im sending you a special baby tiger w/ basket for Easter
Angie

[nothemama8]

[nothemama8]

Sorry I couldn't get the picture to work
Angie

[MacD]

Hope you're feeling better Tiger.....I've been keeping you in my thoughts.....love g.

[TgrsPurr]

Awwww, Angie and Grace, you are sooo sweet. You've just made my day! I only have to work 1/2 a day today due to the holiday...and yes Angie I absolutely celebrate Easter, I consider it more important than Christmas! But that's all I'll say about that, so as not to get into any trouble. But I do wish Happy Easter to you too. Grace, thank you for the support, I'm most grateful. TgrsPurr.