How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

I know you was enjoying your mood, sorry it turned south. I hope the change in your work schedule makes a difference. Enjoy working on the costume and making the apple pie.

Thanks so much (((((((roxiesmom)))))) and ((((((Fearfulfrog)))))) for understanding how I feel!! And thanks so much to (((((((PT))))))) and (((((((((VJ)))))))) for your support!! And thank you to everyone else just for being here and for letting me be a part of it!!

((((larakazieh)))) I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope you find relief and I'm wishing you all good things!

Sending the same good wishes to (((((((Lilleth)))))))

(((((((PT)))))))) It's great you've got motivated to send out more job apps. I'm keeping everything crossed for you!

Good to hear your mood is holding up well! (((((((((thinker))))))))) Good luck with your assignments!

(((((((((((fearfulfrog))))))))))))) I'm sorry things are so incredibly stressful with the court case. That just sucks. But it is amazing to hear how well you are coping with everything. Wow! Go you!!! I'm really glad your meds are working and that you're holding up so well. That's great. Happy Anniversary too!

I hope your sleep pattern gets back to normal now you're on a new work schedule ((((((((Innerzone)))))))) Sleep (or bad quality/lack of sleep) really screws things up!

((((((((((((vj))))))))))))) I'm really sorry you're stressing about the job situation. I hope very much that your husband finds something soon and that you don't have to go back to a job you left because it was so stressful. I think it's really important to get back to a point of feeling stable again before taking on any more challenges. I wish you peaceful times and good news on the job front for your husband!

I've had a crap day so far. Well, it actually started off ok and I was able to get some sleep last night. But then mid-way through the morning I started feeling sick and just really queasy and not well. Then I started panicking about the way I was feeling. So I had to go back to pacing again to try and calm down. Sort of calmed down, but continued feeling really unwell. Weak and shaky and nauseous. I hate this so much. I just do not know what is wrong with me.

I have put in a call to my doctor. Trouble is my doctor attributes EVERYTHING to anxiety now so I'm going to have to be insistent, which I'm not looking forward to. Plus, to be fair to her, she has done some extensive blood tests and one or two other things. BUT I still feel really unwell a lot of the time and that can't be right!!!! Plus it fuels my anxiety, and vice versa.

Ugh. Sorry. I'm just repeating myself. I know I've said all this before. I just really need to figure out what is going on. I've put a call into my pdoc too. The thing I already know what he will say. He will tell me to start taking the Klonopin every day, twice a day, come rain or shine. And I'm so very reluctant to go that route.

I did have a good therapy session yesterday and I guess I will write about that another time since this is already really long. The trouble is I don't get to see her very often and so the sessions feel like a band-aid. I felt better when I left, but the "wound" re-opens again soon afterwards!!

Sorry to go on. Thanks for just letting me have this place to get some of this stuff out!!!

Hugs to all!!!

YAY!!!! my supervisor said nice things to me!!!!! it really sad how much we (everyone at work) crave his approval...
In other things my head is constantly getting burnt out by the intensity of the work I am doing... off home for another break.
I do think of you all when I am away and hope that your lives and moods are going well. Wishing you all every happiness....
until next time

I am feeling manic, still mildly and hopefully it will stay that way, but a part of me wants to just let this go wherever it goes.

This thread is a great idea. It makes you stop and really think about how you feel. Well....

...I haven't felt this good in ages. That so called treatment, Olanzapine, seems to be finally out of my system. I'm not getting great sleep yet but crucially I'm not getting angry about it. Yesterday I broke my routine. For the first time in two years, instead of going straight home from work, popping pills, opening a bottle of wine (or two) and switching on the TV, I went to the golf driving range. I used to be a reasonable player but I can't afford it any more. It poured with rain and I was soaked through but it was exhilarating. I also discovered that I've completely forgotten how to hit the ball but it made a welcome change to be doing something different, even for just a couple of hours. It seems to me that is what it's all about, breaking my bad habits, for me at least. I just hope it's not the beginning of another manic phase, else I'll be shortly doing this again...

sundog: this is going to sound too obvious, but have you eaten? or what have you eaten? I tend to take my meds AS breakfast instead of breakfast, and end up feeling the same way. Anyway, hope you feel better today

BayTheMoon: glad you're getting out and enjoying yourself - be in the moment

Merlin: stay safe wherever it goes

BlackPup: missing you, too, but glad you're having positive experiences at work

innerzone: hope today is a good one! Save me a piece of that pie - sounds yummy

vj: positive vibes for jobs coming your way - I probably have a few to spare

Lilleth: sorry you feel this way..I hope you can find that little spark inside you that is pure joy.

thinker: glad you're working thru the classes and homework without too much anxiety. You're going to do great, I just know it!

fearfulfrog: sorry about the tough times - happy you have such a supportive husband.

me: feeling frustrated, no specific reason. It's probably more like a mix of frustrated, irritated, agitated, and underrated ().. job hunting just totally sucks..get this: I spent over 2 hrs yesterday filling out this super long application on line, uploading resumes, etc. and then taking what amounted to an algebra test (I thought I was thru with school)..then I get an automated e-mail sent out sometime last night that says, "After careful consideration, blah, blah.." Puh-leeze!! At least be honest - "After your application was automatically run thru our computerized vetting process, it was tossed into the spam file" has got to be more accurate!

Okay...change that mood to *****y...

sundog sorry that you had a crap day and that you are having such physical distress. I hope your doc listens to you and doesn't write it off. I'm glad you had a good therapy session. Wish the "band-aid effect" was more permenant.

BlackPup yeah for the good compliments!!! Take it easy and don't over work yourself. Glad you was able to stop in for a minute.

Merlin I hope your mood does not worsen to full blown manic.

BayTheMoon I am so glad you are feeling well. Congrats on breaking your routine and doing something enjoyable. I hope this mood sticks with you.

PT52 I'm sorry you spent so much time filling out an application and sending resume to get an automated decline for the job. I know how frustrating it is to be job hunting right now. There are so many people looking for work that jobs can be just that more paticular. Keeping my fingers crossed that you find work soon and can be done with this whole job hunting process.


Doing well today. Got out and turned in applications for my husband. Now just hoping someone will call back. Not really a whole lot going on with me at this time. Still need to find something to occupy my time other then being on here. Although I do love coming here. Hope everyone has a great day.

Well I crashed and burned earlier this year.

First PDoc mid last year said all my problems where related to my to marriage! Huh!!!!! Went to another and she said it was Bipolar2 started me on Prozac & Valproate. She was happy to see me so long as I paid up front. Once I couldn't I was basicially dumped. Started having ups & downs all in the one day for days on end. No sleep, pacing, anxiety etc. Nothing different same rubbish just a different day.

Finally got my husband into a doctor and we where given the worst possible news, he has mutipule cancers. I knew he was sick last year hence my depression & manic jive. Completely losted it in April and went into hospital for the first time for Bipolar, whilst there they upped my meds, took 1 out, and sorted when to take my others. I rattle in the mornings after taking a handful of drugs. Not only did I have Bipolar 2, I also was Dx with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Things have been fine for a while until now. Each day I see my husband waste away. He isn't eating much but wants to continue the chemo. I try to be strong for him but inside I am falling apart. The old me is coming back not sure if I actually liked her as she was around for alot of years.

(((Blackpup))) That's great your supervisor gave you such positive feedback! I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling good when someone praises us!! Well done for going such a great job!!

((((Merlin)))) Wishing you all the very best!

((((Baythemoon)) It's awesome you did something different - and fun!! - last night. I totally agree with you that it's really important to change some of our habits

(((((((vj)))))))) Really glad you're doing well today!! It's great you handed in some applications for your husband. Still keeping everything crossed for you!!

((((((((PT))))))) Keeping everything crossed for you too!! I can totally believe that job hunting sucks. Well done for sticking with it!!!!! Really, really hope the hunt doesn't last long and you find something soon that you like.

(((((((((Northern)))))))))))) I'm so sorry about your husband. That is a huge blow. Especially as you say that things were going so much better until you got his diagnosis. My heart goes out to you

((((((PT)))))))) Thanks for the suggestion about eating. I do think that could have something to do with it. The trouble is I feel nauseous a lot of the time so just don't want to eat. But when I do eat, I usually feel better. So there is definitely something to that. Just wish I didn't feel so nauseous!!

I managed to get an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I had emailed him telling him that my anxiety was out of control but that I was still unwilling to take benzos and would prefer to try another anti-depressant first. He emailed me back to say he'd had a cancellation this afternoon and I should come in then to discuss options. Even though I'm scared about coming off Zoloft and trying something new, I know that the Zoloft just isn't cutting it with my anxiety and that it's pointless staying on it any longer.

I am undecided as to what to try next since I've already been on all the other SSRIs and SNRIs. However, since my Anxiety Disorder is relatively new (used to be that depression/dysthymia was my main problem) I think it's worth giving another SSRI a shot. I'm thinking Paxil. I used to take Paxil years ago but had to quit because it was too sedating. Now that I'm so anxious all the time, I'm thinking Paxil might be just the right thing. It is a pain having to stop and start new meds but I'm trying to stay hopeful.......There HAS to be a way to feel better than I've been feeling lately.

My medical doc got back to me and said I should get more blood work done. I think that is a cop out and pretty pointless since I had a full blood panel (or whatever it's called) just a month ago and it was all normal. I had asked her to refer me to a neurologistm but she said she didn't think that was necessary at this point (try living in my body for a day and then tell me that!!!!!! ). I'm thinking I will ask my psychiatrist if he can refer me to a neurologist when I see him later today.

Hugs to all!!!!!!

sssss northern!!!
What synchronicty! Mine did too today. It was nice.
Hear ya! And best of luck with that!
Yea, BayTheMoon! Breaking old (and not helping) habits is a great thing! More and more luck in this direction!

Today... pretty good. Got an unexpected early call for a bigger shift. Got some really good feedback from the boss. Being diligent and facing down my fears is paying off. Literally and figuratively. (And being on days now seems to be mentally better than the graveyard shifts. Guess it's true what they say about shift work and bipolar!)
Besides that, doing fine. Nice even mood. Tired, but ok. Can't complain about that(!)

I am predominantly sad today after hearing that Denise26 had passed away. We only became friends recently and exchanged only one message. I am very sad and I hope you rest peacefully, Denise. xxx

Otherwise, I am okay today. I am up a bit early but I feel better than most mornings. I am still wondering whether I am best when I don't lie around in bed after waking, even though it makes the day very long.

I haven't posted in a while. Good news is that I lost 1.5 pounds this week. I am 1.5 pounds away from my target of 84 pounds loss.

I am very anxious today. Not sure why maybe because I had some thoughts to hurt myself today. I know I won't but they have been there.

I'm doing okay. Had a good night sleep. Was asked to come into work today, so I'm working this afternoon on web projects. This morning I'm creeping through (I'm an incredibly slow reader) an article for one of my classes. There's a quiz on it and the other article on Monday. The first article took me 4 hours to read and I barely remember any of it. Sigh. Just have to do it. Wish they had these articles on audio because my reading disorder slows me down so badly and I have to take copious notes or it's like I didn't read them at all.

Hugs to everyone. Hope you all have a good day and a great weekend.

northern: anyone can make comparisons about watching someone one you love go thru what your husband. No one can make it easier to do. Lots of hugs..

sundog: hope you feel better IMO, if my doc said more blood work, I'd go ahead and do it..you never know, and it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.

Innerzone: so happy things are going better!

Clive: yay on the 1.5!, I've noticed, too, that getting up earlier makes me more motivated

bandit: positive, calming vibes coming your way

thinker: sounds like you have a lot on your plate, extra hugs for you..have you talked to anyone about getting assistance on your reading? It's been a long time ago, but I once did a semester or two taking notes or recording audio for people with learning disabilities.

me: tired, unmotivated..have a stack of job listings in front of me that I need to apply for. I want to do anything but that..it's so boring and depressing.

I got a good long sleep yesterday and seem to have come down from the mania. That's one good thing about ultra-rapid cycling I suppose. I have the day off which is nice and a chance to get some things done at home.

for everyone!

Currently I'm sopposed to be watching the video "The Joy of Stress" in my group therapy program, but I really don't feel like paying attention right now. The past couple of days have been rough but it will get better, it has to, eventually. I'm just tired of waiting for it to come. I just want to go home, curl up in the bed, and not come back out until Monday. Frakin husband won't let me though and keeps wanting to talk about how I'm feeling. Then when I don't feel like talking, he talks even more and it drives me insane. I'll even tell him to leave me alone, but he never does. Also, apparently I have to be supervised when taking my medication. Grrrrr.

northern I am so sorry about what you are going through. Not only are you dealing with your own moods, but with your husbands cancer. Sending all the good vibes your way and hoping chemo does the trick.

sundog glad you got into your psychiatrist. I hope they find a med that will help. I'm sorry your regular doctor pretty much brushed you off again. That must be very frustrating for you. Hoping all went well with your appointment.

Innnerzone glad to hear the new shift is making things better for you. It is also good you got some good feedback from your boss. Hope the good mood stays with you.

Clive I know it is heartbreaking about Denise. Glad you are doing good otherwise. Congrats on the weight loss.

bandit sorry for the anxiety, I know how rough it is. If the thoughts of harming yourself become to strong please seek help.

thinker glad you are doing ok. Sorry those articles are proving to be so tough on you. Sending you positive vibes your way. Hope you have a great weekend also.

PT52 sending you good vibes. Take some time getting to it. Sometimes we need a little break. Keeping my fingures crossed this will all be over for you soon.

Merlin I hope you have a peaceful and restful day that you can enjoy.

Moreta sorry you are not feeling so great. I hope your hubs is just acting out of concern and caring about your welfare. Sorry it is frustrating you though. I hope this mood passes quickly for you.

Me, I'm still doing good. It has been nice feeling halfway normal although I am still struggling somewhat with my anxiety. Things could be worse though so I am thankful. I feel the most leveled out in a long time although I am still struggling with motivation and therefore I am restless alot. Still hoping that this is not the best it will get, I want to get back to my old self. The person that kept the house emaculate and was on top of everything. I didn't have to force myself to do every little task. I just wonder if I will ever get that person back. I'm so tired of sitting around twiddling my fingures and knowing there are things I could be doing. I fail most of the time when I try to talk myself into doing something. Ugh, it is so frustrating. Ok, maybe I'm not as good as I would like to be. I think I'm still struggling with a mild case of depression, but I just don't want to except it. I don't know, when I really dig into my brain it just all gets so confusing. I just try not to think about it.
Anyway, Sending good vibes to everyone and hoping everyone has a great weekend.

Glad you're doing well ((((((thinker)))))) and (((((((Innerzone)))))))

Congrats on the weight loss! ((((((Clive)))))))

Sorry you're feeling anxious (((((((((bandit))))))))) Sending you good thoughts!

Glad you had a good sleep (((((((((Merlin))))))))))

Sending you tons of good vibes and good luck wishes on the job search front (((((((((((PT))))))))))))))

Good vibes also to (((((((Moreta)))))))

Really happy you're feeling so much more balanced and are doing so much better ((((((((((((vj)))))))))))))) I understand totally about feeling frustrated and impatient because you recognize there is still some way to go before you're totally back on track, but it's GREAT that you have made so much progress and are heading in the right direction!!!!!! Also, sometimes I think it can be more effective NOT to think too much about what's going on in our brain and just get on with things, which you are obviously doing!! Sending hugs and hope you have a good weekend!

I am definitely doing better today. Had a long session with my pdoc yesterday and we talked about a number of different options. Just being reminded that I DO HAVE options is itself helpful. I tend to back myself into a corner where I become convinced that I am treatment-resistant and it's all hopeless and nothing will ever help, and of course, that just amps up my anxiety ten-fold. Yesterday the pdoc said there are still lots of things we can try. Admittedly, I don't enjoy the "guinea pig" process of trial and error (who does?!?!) but at least I realize that it's wrong of me to think that I have no options, because I do!! I think the plan is now for me to taper off Zoloft slowly and then start Cymbalta. Cymbalta is pretty much the only anti-depressant I've never been on so it makes sense to give it a try. The pdoc also said it's ok to give myself permission to take an Ativan or a Klonopin if I'm really freaking out. He said I definitely won't get addicted if I just take one every now and then. He said I don't need to suffer this much.

At any rate, I definitely came away from the session feeling reassured and I could really feel my mood lift and my tension and anxiety loosened quite a bit. That was really nice after being so uptight and on edge!! It really is ALL IN THE MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, if I could just figure out how to work my mind into a positive state!!!

PS: I'm going to get that additional blood work done too. I totally agree (((((PT)))) that it can't hurt!!

Hugs to all!!!!

Was there so recently.... and boy, you describe it perfectly. I hope just the right thing turns up soon for you.

Today. Hmmm. Actually, pretty down. Apparently the hoped-for mood smoothing out post-nightshift has yet to appear. Woke up for a couple hours before dawn, anxious and depressed. Went for some alprazolam to help get back to sleep. Could barely get out of bed. Thought work (short shift) would be pretty easy and it turned out to be by far the most stressful shift ever, even with it being only 2 hours(!) It nearly broke me. Then had some running around with a time sensitive paperwork thing, *then* had to talk with someone about an upcoming court case as a witness. Ugh. It was good to get some of this **** taken care of, but sheesh, exhausting. Honestly don't know how I got through it, though I did nearly burst into tears when a notary wouldn't notarize my papers. Really shouldn't have seemed such a big deal, as it was do-able just a few doors down(!)... it was just the culmination of all the stress and frustration atop a base of depression. Emotional overwhelm. Been relaxing tonight, but just.... bleh. Going to bed now. This day's been just too much.

Fervently hoping that tomorrow at work is nothing like today was.

sssssssssssss to all...

Sundog glad to hear you are doing better. I know going through the whole guinea pig things suck, but your right it is options. There is nothing stamped on your forehead saying you are unfixable. Hoping the new change in the medicine does the trick for you. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Innerzone sorry today has been so rough on you. Hoping things will get better for you. Glad you was able to get through the things you had to do. Give yourself a pat on the back, you did great. Hope you are able to find peace in the rest of the day and tomorrow too.

Today I'm doing what I got to do. It's laundry day again and I have no choice but to do it. I'm feeling rather restless and anxious. Still waiting for my klonopen to kick in. I hate feeling this way. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. Just hanging in there till the mood passes.

I'm doing okay today. I mean I'm trying to cope and tell myself it's just the sickness and hope it all passes. I'm always so tired though and that's hard being that I have kids to take care of. I had a nervous breakdown last week, that wasn't fun at all. I never EVER want to feel that way again. It was really scary. Not fun having this disorder, one reason being that I can't stand loss of control over my own mind at times or the anxious feelings I get. Hard to sleep every night some night worse than others. I feel so alone and misunderstood. This is all such a burdon. I am trying to get on SSI so I hope that works out. I can't work, I have tried for years. I also try the college thing but it's just so hard, everything is though. I just want to be able to live a normal life for once.

I'm trying to do my photography assignment today, but am incredibly unsure of myself and if I'm really capturing something the teacher wants. We have to do a shot in hard light, soft light, silhouette, 2 pics of the same thing in different light, and one that the light works against the subject matter. I think I got the hard light one this morning. That's about it. I took 50 pics to just find 1 of the 6 photos due. I also have to study for a quiz on Monday. I think I'll do that tomorrow...but there is a ton of info. So, I could be in better spirits, but I'm okay. Was very restless last night. Legs were all spastic. Not sure why.

Hope everyone else is already doing great and if not, that they get better.

More tired and unmotivated than I was yesterday...perk up when I see how great our social group is coming along. Forgot to eat this morning and started feeling queasy..that happens when you only have coffee an meds for breakfast..now I feel like going back to bed...maybe a little nap would be good.

Smiles for everyone who is having a good day, encouragement for everyone who isn't and hugs for everyone.

(((((((Innerzone)))))) Hope you got a good night's sleep last night and are feeling ok today

(((((((((vj))))))))))))) I hope the Klonopin has done it's job and that you were able to relax a bit and get the stuff done that needed doing

Welcome ((((((flowerlily))))) I can really relate to what you write here about losing control of your own mind. I HATE that feeling. I feel as if my mind is my worst enemy sometimes and that is really scary because I can't escape my own mind. I really hope you feel better!

((((((((((thinker))))))))) Good luck with your photography assignment! That sounds really interesting. I hope it isn't too stressful and that you enjoy some of it!

(((((((((PT))))))))))) Sorry the lack of motivation is continuing today. Can you soak in the hot tub with the frogs for a bit? I hope you had a good nap and it helped. I'm loving the social group too!!

I feel down today. I don't like weekends. They make me anxious (what doesn't?!?!) I feel a lot of guilt at the weekends too. My anxiety has made it difficult for me to do things. I have become a total homebody. Even though I feel anxious at home too, I still prefer being at home than going too far afield. I have a set routine of things that I do which I feel semi-comfortable with. These include hiking with my dogs, going to the grocery store and going to work (I work with my husband at his small business so it's very relaxed). Understandably, my husband would like to do other things with me at the weekend and increasingly, I just can't do them. I feel very guilty about this. My husband is actually incredibly supportive. But, obviously, he wants a life. And unlike me, he isn't satisfied with hanging out at home all weekend. At least, not EVERY weekend. We were supposed to be going somewhere today in the city (San Francisco), but I just couldn't face it. I feel disappointed in myself. I know I have to push myself harder because my world is becoming very narrow. I really feel paralyzed by this anxiety and by generally feeling unwell physically (which, presumably, is a result of the anxiety). I should just take a damn chill-pill and get on with it *sigh*

Hugs to all

Breakfast of champions! (Same here this morning.)

Happy to report that today's shift was just as smooth and stress free as is possible. It was almost like a vacation(!) Lol. Even the weather was cooperative. Thank goodness, because I really needed a confidence/self esteem boost after yesterday.

(Even though I knew yesterday it was trying to perform in a literally impossible situation, still... being yelled at from 3 directions at once with impossible demands and basically being treated like a moron takes an emotional toll! When from one direction they were gesticulating wildly, it's probably just as well they were 1/4 mile away! Lol. Sure wouldn't want to have actually heard them! You know the thing they say about trying to deal with difficult people by picturing them naked or in a ridiculous suit to make them less threatening? Yeah. Wish I could remember it in the moment... it's always later it comes to mind. )

(Re: sleep. Was a bit jump-out-of-bed-y. You know, like 7 times... so took an alprazolam and slept all night. Hard to get up again... Oh well. Still, it's better to sleep well.)

To everyone!

(Added much later... um, seriously people, post! It really does matter. Current status... quite tired. Want vaguely to cry, but no idea why. Just saw some pics of my son on FB and... I don't know. It's just so weird. I don't live there anymore (he's just turned 18) with the divorce and there was never any question that I'd not have him, me not being stable and all... We talk, we love each other, but... I don't know. Maybe it's just that feeling when you're the parent of an 18 year old and worry for them and just don't know how it's all going to come out in the end...when it just looks... well, not entirely encouraging at the moment...)