[BNLsMOM]

So my ex had my son this weekend and today I found out they went to see a minor league baseball game. He said that after the game he would drop my son off.

First, some back story. I am convinced that when we were married, that he cheated on me. I am also convinced I know who it was. There was an incident when we were in college where one of our friends was very flirty with him all the time and was somewhat of a tease. In my attempt to appear cool and not jealous, I let it happen. So one night we were all hanging out and got really drunk and he exposed himself to her in the hall and then disappeared for hours. I should have broken up with him right then. Anyway, I still wanted to appear to be "the coolest girlfriend ever" so I finally let it go.

Fast forward to today. I see the car drive up, so I open the door to greet them. OMG. SHE gets out of the car.

First of all, I haven't seen her in years and I intended to keep it that way. Secondly, I have been noticing a lot of flirting between them on Facebook, triangling with my ex's new wife. It gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. Now, maybe there is no triangle between them, but when I was with him, she kept showing up at weird times and it seemed like they had this epic forbidden love story going on between them. So I am the first to admit that I get paranoid about things, so maybe she is just a friend, but when he and I were engaged he passed a disease on to me. I had never in my life been with anyone else EVER, and he didn't pass this to me until three years into our relationship. (Fortunately, it cleared up with antibiotics and I have no lasting effects)

So today to have her standing in my house, with him, the new wife and my son was very weird. I am actually rather triggered by it to tell you the truth. I don't need her judging me and my disgusting messy house, hair that hasn't been done in a week, weight put on from meds...

I can just picture them all in the car talking about me. "Oh, poor _____ she is bipolar and such a mess...etc."

The thing that pisses me off the most is that I happen to know she lives right in my town and they totally could have dropped her off first!

Seeing her on Facebook is one thing, having her in my house is quite another. I feel like I have been contaminated.

And, I was nice and invited them all in to sit for a few minutes and they declined. So, I know I did the right thing.

I wish I could puke.

My home is MY home and he doesn't get to bring whoever he wants into it!

[vjdragonfly]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. He really should have more respect for you.

[dj586858]

Arrgghhh!! I am angry for you!! Why are they coming into your house anyway? You both should always be respectful in front of the child & when talking to him but who said you have to be friends? I don't know how old your son is but when mine was younger & his dad actually decided to see him, they didn't even come to the door & that worked better for all of us including my son. After he remarried, his wife always picked him up & brought him back. Please ignore me if you feel that is best for the child but after your son, your feelings are the most important in that group. Do what you need to so that the stress is at the lowest level possible for you & your son. Peaceful wishes.

[PromisesToKeep]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

So my ex had my son this weekend and today I found out they went to see a minor league baseball game. He said that after the game he would drop my son off.

First, some back story. I am convinced that when we were married, that he cheated on me. I am also convinced I know who it was. There was an incident when we were in college where one of our friends was very flirty with him all the time and was somewhat of a tease. In my attempt to appear cool and not jealous, I let it happen. So one night we were all hanging out and got really drunk and he exposed himself to her in the hall and then disappeared for hours. I should have broken up with him right then. Anyway, I still wanted to appear to be "the coolest girlfriend ever" so I finally let it go.

Fast forward to today. I see the car drive up, so I open the door to greet them. OMG. SHE gets out of the car.

First of all, I haven't seen her in years and I intended to keep it that way. Secondly, I have been noticing a lot of flirting between them on Facebook, triangling with my ex's new wife. It gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. Now, maybe there is no triangle between them, but when I was with him, she kept showing up at weird times and it seemed like they had this epic forbidden love story going on between them. So I am the first to admit that I get paranoid about things, so maybe she is just a friend, but when he and I were engaged he passed a disease on to me. I had never in my life been with anyone else EVER, and he didn't pass this to me until three years into our relationship. (Fortunately, it cleared up with antibiotics and I have no lasting effects)

So today to have her standing in my house, with him, the new wife and my son was very weird. I am actually rather triggered by it to tell you the truth. I don't need her judging me and my disgusting messy house, hair that hasn't been done in a week, weight put on from meds...

I can just picture them all in the car talking about me. "Oh, poor _____ she is bipolar and such a mess...etc."

The thing that pisses me off the most is that I happen to know she lives right in my town and they totally could have dropped her off first!

Seeing her on Facebook is one thing, having her in my house is quite another. I feel like I have been contaminated.

And, I was nice and invited them all in to sit for a few minutes and they declined. So, I know I did the right thing.

I wish I could puke.

My home is MY home and he doesn't get to bring whoever he wants into it!

I have so much repect for you that my heart is bursting with pride. Even though he has done the best he can delope FDS (F*cki*g Do*ch*E B*g Syndrome.) Not only did he disrespect you in your marriage, the fact that you accrued his dispresct without confrontation thus allowing him to continue is behavior; Since your divorce, it seems that you have made many strugges toward recovery , thus contining you declining health, self esteem Yet you can allow NO one to interfere on the original family behavior (even pcik-ups and drop offs) unless ALL parties agree. Your children may be having a "honeymoon" period getting from the new girlfriend by offerig private attentions. You cannot complete with this action but it is . The reason for putting this bondary into the exchange of the children without any dates on either party is to allow the chldren a acclimation time without influence from outsid
Draw some boundaries. What is best for the good of the kids and a healthy family withoug him, a stronger family; depends on you esbalishing and adhering to your boundaries. This is not about control or disrespecting someone else, this is about the kids even if he makes poor choices. You will be on my prayers as well. Keep up the good work.
ptk

[PT52]

DSCN4348 by Materdork, on Flickr
Here's a t-shirt I made of our new cause - it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek, and NO ONE has the right to be an FDB, especially in front of your son! It was totally uncool and PTK is right - you should be proud of yourself. But if you feel like decking your ex, I think that would be okay, too.

[BNLsMOM]

The t-shirt is great!

[PT52]

Thanks! I actually did it on my computer with iron on paper..anyone who wants to try it, I've saved it as a jpeg so I can post it on here.

[lonegael]

Tell him if his friends want to stare, take them to the zoo! You are not the low cost alternative! Does is new wife know the story? Seems he is kind of like the dog that keeps going back to the vomit. Same old game, same old names. I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of person in your life, dear. HUGGGGSSSSSS.

[Trippin2.0]

THINKING OF YOU!!!!
don't let FDB's trigger you, sO nOt worth it...

[BNLsMOM]

I still feel terrible, even after sleeping all night.

This is churning up my symptoms, big time. I hated that time of my life and I am re-living it.

My paranoia and anxiety is getting stronger and I am using all the skills I have just to function today. I have declared today laundry day because I can't bear to go out. I had to walk the dog and I wanted to stay in the shadows, but there weren't any because it is bright sunshine outside.

Damn it. This is such a back slide for me. I am holding on as tight as I can. I feel like such a failure!

TRIGGER





Many many many images of self harm last night. I had to physically keep myself away from the razors in the bathroom because I was afraid I would rip one open and use one. I also had the phrase, "I am going to kill myself," go through my head a lot.

[vjdragonfly]

(((BNLsMom)))
He is so not worth the anguish you are going through. It pisses me off for your sake that he has dragged you down. I'm so sorry you are have to fight so hard over this. Is there any way you can call your T for extra support. Hang in there tight and don't let go. Don't let him get the best of you. If the self harm thoughts continue seek help. Don't want nothing bad happening to you.

[lonegael]

BNLsMOM, hon, I understand the slide, but really, why are you a failure because your ex lacks sense and manners? With a messy house, all your problems and your strong points, I would much rather know you than any light bit of fluff that gets caught in a *****monger's navel, however pretty or social she thinks she might be. You have brains, morals, love and a fantastic fantasy and all that she's got is no manners and everyone else's cheating dork. There's no contest, you win, mesy house and all. HUGGGGGGGGSSSSSSS, and try, try try not to let these people have so much power, even though it is so hard.

[BNLsMOM]

I feel like a failure because this thing has brought up so many symptoms that i have worked so hard to master.

I feel as I did way back then when I had no idea I had bipolar and my moods and symptoms were all over the place. It is bringing back painful memories of not only that, but of other things and feelings I had that I didn't understand. It is bringing back all the confusion, all the paranoia, all the memories of the things I realize now were delusions. I don't know why I never sought help way back then. I look back now and I would be willing to say that I was unstable and suffering from forms of psychosis. It is painful. It is stuff I thought I wanted to remember so I could work through it, but couldn't remember and now it is flooding me.

I am afraid that I will have to go to the hospital again and I really can't go. I just have so much going on with school starting next week that I have to be here.

It stirs up all my insecurities about who I am and why I am having such a hard time keeping it together.

I can just imagine them talking about me, how gross my house is, How bad I looked and how I smelled...

BNLsMOM!!! You know, it's always struck me as ironic that so often the people that trigger us aren't even worth our time at the best of times! Our disorder can twist our perceptions to attribute far too much power to them. Completely undeserved and unearned, no less! When I'm spiralling on account of this, I try to remind myself over and over that they completely do not deserve this power and by God, I'm not just going to hand it over to them!

Try is a key word there, but it's something to keep in mind. I've found it helpful to dampen it somewhat anyhow. Of course, having a streak of stubborness helps too!

Do you have a Tdoc appointment anytime soon?
to you.

[BNLsMOM]

My appointment is Wednesday morning, but I sent him an email about an hour ago.

[BNLsMOM]

My T is going to call me in the morning so we can talk.

[thinker22]

I'm glad to hear you're going to get to speak to your T. Hold on until then. Big hugs and keep posting.

[PT52]

Hang in there, BNLsMOM - just until morning! Try not to judge yourself on the opinions of others, or judge yourself too harshly. Lots of hugs until you talk to your T in the morning.

[BNLsMOM]

I talked to my T this morning, but I don't feel better. We are going to work some more tomorrow in our session.

I wonder if my brain chemistry was teetering and this incident was just the last breeze needed to tip it over.

I am losing my mind. I went out to walk the dog this morning and I felt like I was being watched. It was burning right through me. Every sound made me jump. I couldn't wait for him to do his business so I could get back inside. I thought someone would jump out and kill me.

My world has become unsafe. I remember when I was in college and I walked around campus either feeling like some undiscovered, but tortured genius, or that I was unknowingly involved in some sort of crime, or that I had to see my boyfriend's ex so that I would know if he had been with her. (he lived two hours away because he graduated). I had the same feeling then as I have now.

I tried so hard to do what I was supposed to do, i.e. go to classes, appear normal, but inside I was screaming. I needed to hide. I spent a lot of time in my room with the door closed and I knew that everyone thought I was weird. I checked the peephole before I went out to make sure no one was in the hall.

I feel that way now. That same lonely torture and confusion, a roiling drama inside my head, but needing to appear normal and low-drama on the outside in order to be accepted.

I want to just let it take over. Maybe it is who I really am and if I don't deny the feelings, if I let them take over, I will be OK. Only I know it doesn't work that way because the rest of the world wouldn't understand. The rest of the world won't let me give up. I am so tired.

I am sorry for the drama and all of this.

[kadesgirl09]

(((BNLsMom))) I am so sorry you had to go through such a triggering situation. I know how hard of a time you had this summer and I hope this doesnt cause you to slide backwards. Im here for you anytime you want to talk. Personally, I think you should punch him. hard. Maybe you would feel better. Dont do it in front of your son maybe though... Honestly I wish it were that easy to solve your problem cause I would punch him myself if that were the case. Ill be thinking about you and hopefully he didnt cause too much damage.

[vjdragonfly]

I'm glad you are getting to talk to your T. Maybe the appointment will help more. Don't be sorry for posting what is going on with you. That is what we are here for to support each other. I hate how far under your skin he has gotten because he is definitely not worth your suffering. I know holding together for your son is your primary concern right now. Keep that foremost in your mind it helps me in times of desperation. Hold tight to keeping it together and just maybe you can forgo the hospital visit. I'm routing for you and hoping you get through this soon.

[thinker22]

Don't give up or give in to the feelings as much as possible. You are a good person and don't deserve to be treated the way you were. It's not worth going to the hospital over someone else's bad judgment or outright cruelty. If you need to go, of course, that's always an option, but I hope you can get through this by talking to your T again tomorrow. I get paranoid too sometimes and feel like I'm being watched. Try to let the thoughts pass through without holding onto them. What I do is say, "These are only thoughts. They're not reality. I don't have to act on them." I have to do this a lot as I have invasive images of self harm. But it can work with thinking you're being watched too. If none of this is helpful, feel free to ignore it. But I'm thinking about and pulling for you.

[MadyJohannah]

It sucks that you had to deal with that. I don't know exactly how you feel, bc when that happened to me, I was only dating my bf, I hadn't been married to him. BUT, please, PLEASE don't let this get you in a rut. Don't fall into an episode (what I like to call them). You are SOOOOO much better than they are. He cheated, he lied, he gave you a disease, for crying out loud!!! He is a piece of trash, it sounds like to me, and if he's that, that makes her even worse for wanting to be with him. You are finished with him, relationship-wise anyway, although he is still the father of your son, but there is nothing between the two of you. I know it's hard, but he's going to do whatever it is that he does, which probably entails dissing you (at least that's what happened to me), and, so, let him. Everyone who has a brain cell in their head will know better than listen to anything the two of them have to say. Your closest friends and family are the ones who matter, not them or anyone who associates with them. It took me a long time to realize this (over a year or paranoia and anger everytime I thought about it or saw them), but I am better for it. I let go. I realized than my ex was soooo stupid for doing what he did and nothing I did was going to change that. The only thing I lost out of the deal was baggage. I still hate him for doing what he did, but I don't get angry. I chock it up to stupidity on his part. I'm not saying you can't install a punching bag in every room in your house (or car), but you are so much better a person than either one of them. If you don't want to let it go, move past it, and just go back to it when you want to knock someone's lights out.

[lonegael]

BNLsMOM, hang in there. I am so glad you talked to your T about this and that you are seeing how this might be playing along with the illness. And please, please, please don't apologize for feeling badly. Those of us who know whatyou have had to go through with this disease are never going to think that you are a failure because it recurrs. You have a tough row to hoe, and you do the best you can. Please don't apologize dear. HUGGGGGSSSSSSSS

[BNLsMOM]

I could hardly even express to my T what I was feeling. He had to help me through a couple of almost anxiety attacks with breathing exercises. At the end of the session I didn't want to go. He offered to let me stay in the waiting room for a while, but I just went to my car. I didn't leave the parking lot for 10 minutes. I almost went back in, but I finally drove to my parents' house and spent the rest of the day relaxing in the pool.

I have some DBT homework that I have been putting off. I will have to work on it tonight. I hope I can deal with it.