[TamarKirk]

My name is Tamar and I am new to this support group. To be honest, I am just trying to make 5 posts so that I can join a chat room. I was a member of another forum about a year ago, when I was in pretty bad shape, and it helped a lot. But I visited their page and they are now defunct or something. I do not think it was as large as this site.
I have rapid cycling bipolar - which is finally being listed in APA ICD-9 code. I can not think straight.
I have made some major changes in the past few months and now the results of them are all starting to crash down on me. This past Saturday night I had a scary. I am starting to have what feels like transient lightening bolts crash through my brain. This is a new sign that I am getting too far out there and I need to reduce the stress in my life to re-stabilize.
I do not know what to do. My life is getting topsy-turvy.
I am going to try to go to the gym to exercise now. I force myself and it usually helps. I will be back later to find out how I can use this forum to help myself. I need help because I am really not doing well and know that I need help from something outside of myself.

[TamarKirk]

Originally Posted by deprofundis

Morning, all. My name is Rene. This is the first time I've ever considered talking to other people on a message board about my condition, my problems, my ongoing battle with Bipolar I, dissociation/depersonalization, and OCD tendencies. After 7 years of misdiagnoses (and a 2-year stint of intense treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I didn't have), I was finally diagnosed properly and put on the right medication. I'm a working professional and reasonably stable but with an everyday baseline of lingering depression. My life is empty. I don't do well with people. I've never had a single romantic relationship before, only brief encounters. I feel highly uncomfortable in crowds and around people I don't know. When I'm at work, that's the only time I can keep it fully together -- I literally split, into a different kind of person, to keep super-stable in my job and be able to handle being around other people and deal with my many responsibilities. The moment I walk out of the doors and get into my car to go home, though, this persona drops and I'm often then overwhelmed by exhaustion, irritability, and simmering depression. I don't know where I'm going in my life. I turned 27 this year and, while some people think that's young, considering what I haven't yet achieved or even gotten close to achieving, I feel like a complete failure. No relationship, no further in my chosen profession, no graduate degree, no financial stability, loads of debt from manic spending sprees, etc. On top of all of this, every day I think about the darkness. The days spent locked in my room, completely overtaken by severe, psychotic mixed episodes, filling whiteboards with what I thought was the secret of life itself... cutting, picking, and being self-destructive. Loss of any and all control. And, now, I constantly feel the need, the urge to get it back. To let go. To give up and let myself fall back into the darkness.

I guess I just didn't know where to turn, and so I turned here.

I am similar to you in some ways. I am a professional and have a good job. Others see me as put together if not a superwoman. I have been married many, many times. I am now going down a bad path. I have not been here for a while. I am self-loathing at present because my life was set, I was helping others by attending a live support group every month or so, and now I am contemplating horrible things. I just had a scary Saturday. I do not know if the person who helped me caused it or is just trying to help. I am not broke but have wasted so much money it is embarrassing, I am afraid that if I reach out to you that you will disappear. I just found this site and am so overwhelmed because I have so little time that I am grasping at straws. I am afraid of losing my daughter. I am terrified. She is the only thing that keeps me on this earth.

[Edgar's Mom]

I'm diagnosed Bipolar 2 with GAD. I'll be 46 soon and I've had this my whole life. I'm very tired right now. I'm looking forward to getting to know other people who are like me. Right now, I'm the only BP person I know.

I look forward to being able to PM people and chat once I'm allowed. Right now my posts are moderated and they take several hours or longer to get posted. Hopefully that changes soon.

[liquid_Entropy]

I'm liquid. I was diagnosed bipolar NOS and just bipolar about a year ago after a hospitalization. 23 yo male. Currently off meds besides self medication with weed. Just preemptivly quit my job and did lose my apartment because of no income. Moving back in with my parents and starting college again...

I do however have a very supportive girl friend. One of the only positives.

I'm here to try to build a support network that is understanding of the mood swings. And perhaps get advice.

[oelias]

I was not sure where to post, so posted first in the general 'new members' forum and only then saw this 'sticky post'. Apologies for cross-posting, but would be glad to get feedback from people specifically coping with BP.
I have been reading through these great forums and found a wealth of great helpful information!
My brother has been diagnosed with BP a long time ago (he is now 43 yrs old). He was treated with lithium for a long time and did very well (he did suffer from the side effects but the medication also helped cope with BP behavior). Unfortunately, he has recently decided to stop taking his meds. Since he stopped (over a year ago), his mood swings and manic behavior started to re-appear slowly. He has recently relocated to Canada for a job opportunity and that has rapidly accelerated the symptoms.
Even though many people in the family as well as a psychiatrist alerted him of what's going on and the need to receive help, he has so far refused any medication. I am very worried that he will suffer an episode in Canada while his family and friends are far away.
I know he has never talked to anyone else diagnosed with BP. While there are great support groups in the US, there are hardly any in Canada, and the ones I found all speak french...
I am posting in hope that there is someone also dealing with BP that will be interested in talking and sharing experiences with him. Perhaps some peer support will help him reach the best decisions.
Thank you for the support!

[BadWolfC]

Hi, I'm a 22 year old woman and I'm not sure which type I am, but I've been treated for Bipolar for a few years now. I was misdiagnosed as severely depressed at age 11 and was on antidepressants until I was 16, which wasn't a pleasant experience because they made me feel really wrong and sick. Once I was 16 and could decide my treatment, I opted to stop the antidepressants and was diagnosed as bipolar when I had my first manic episode when I was 19. I've been hospitalized because of my depressive episodes twice, when I was 18 and 21.

But right now, for the first time in my life, I feel good. I'm finally on a medication that works for me and my life is starting to turn around as an effect. I really hope it stays this way for a while.

[KooKooChiPoo]

I suspect I've had depression and anxiety most of my adult life (I am a 56 year old female) and have self medicated with alcohol. I believe I am an alcoholic and for me it's a family disease. I have been in and out of AA for about 5 years but do feel I need medication along with a 12 step program. I have a very stressful job working in healthcare administration with oncology patients. I recently started Lamotrigine which was prescribed for mood swings but now feel somewhat depressed and anxious. My depressive symptoms include hopelessness, low self-esteem, and crying. Anxiety symptoms include worrying feelings of panic, fear, and uneasiness. Originally had been on EffexorXR 150mg at night for 12 years but felt it wasn't working any longer and wanted to switch to a different medication. My psychiatrist suggested weaning me the off the Effexor with a low dose of Prozac 20mg and eliminating the Effexor has been successful. But, the Prozac made me very angry and caused terrible mood swings including emotional outbursts. I also felt irritable, unfocused and somewhat paranoid. My doctor and I discussed adding an antidepressent once the therapuetic dose of Lamotrigine is reached. I'm currently on Lamotorgine 100mg and will increase to therapuetic dose of 200mg within two weeks. I do not want to take another SSRI or SNRI so I'm considering Wellbutrin. Thoughts??

[aggabeen*]

First, I would like to tell all of you here who must live with everything associated with BP, that you all are brave and courageous! Seeing my adult daughter live with it for so long, I have come to truly appreciate the strength required to live in this world and coping with BP. I admire you all!
Since I am new at this forums thing, I am finding it hard to get around...but I'm improving. I will be asking questions regarding my daughter. She doesn't want to be talking about herself. I see the opportunity to gain from others experiences.
My first question. Do you think that Abilify 400mg IM plus 2 weeks with additional 20mg tablets, could cause very negative, repeating, morbid death thoughts some suicidal?

And, upon switching to Latuda...will it take what sites say 4 to 6 weeks for the Abilfy to leave her body...for the thoughts to go away?

[mindofwebs]

Both my younger sister and I have been diagnosed as bipolar. My diagnosis came after I was in a car accident and suffered a tramatic brain injury. It seems that I always had a bipolar tendency which was the reason I was always self medicating with alcohol and sex. They kept my mind from racing and not shutting down. I come from a family of 6 children and other than my one sister the others do not understand our condition. It is so nice to talk to someone who understands and I'm hoping this forum will also give me that feeling of being understood.

[greyshroom]

I am new here and I have Bipolar 1. I was prescribed Seroquel 200mg from my new psychiatrist and I looked it up and decided to find a forum. I am also taking Brintellix 10mg. I take both at bedtime along with several other medications not necessarily for Bipolar tho'. I have been diagnosed for about 12 years, but had it for many many years before and had been misdiagnosed a major depression. I was glad to know I was finally labeled correctly. I feel I am on the right track now and was released from the hospital on the 26th of June this year. I hope I will never go that route again! I put my hubby thru way too much. We have 8 dogs and they help me a lot. I feel a kinship with them. lol I hope I will be back here as I have trouble with keeping a schedule of any sort. I had a test from another psychiatrist who told me my memory was better than normal but my emotions we all over the place. I am not currently seeing him because after the hospitalization I decided to go back to the original doctor who diagnosed me even tho' she is like 5 hours one way from me, I feel it is worth it. Driving has always made me feel calm and I sure don't mind the commute since we live in the land time forgot. I guess that's about all for now.

[WibblyWobbly]

I am a 34 year old female with rapid cycling bipolar I, ADHD and PTSD. The last year has been a nightmare. I had a suicide attempt (overdose) and 5 inpatient and 2 outpatient hospitalizations. I was misdiagnosed with major depression until my 3rd hospitalization. I am prescribed 60mg of Cymbalta, 15mg of Zyprexa, 1500mg of lithium, 10mg of Ritalin, and 300mg of lyrica (for fibro) and have done 40 sessions of TMS.

The suicidal thoughts and self-harm urges have been persistent. I lost my job and my boyfriend of 12 years and had to move back home with my verbally abusive family. I am looking for support and to share experiences with people who understand that mental illness is not a choice.

Hi, i am a returning member. I used to be apfei but i couldn't reactivate that old name. Glad to be back. I am recovering from yet another Spring hypomania. My Seroquel is working well for me -- modulating my episodes nicely. I narrowly escaped a $8500 renovation this Spring tho so it was not without risks. Luckily i was able to cancel.

I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone and lending a hand where i can.

my name is vendide... i decided joining a forum would be the best option i currently have available to find people i can relate to on this... sickening part of my life.

i've read a few posts, and i'm glad to see this is a safe and relatable place.

hope all of us get through this one way or another...

[matty90]

I'm Matt...

I'm trapped in my mind
Even when I'm happy it's there all the time
I can't have friends
I can't have love
Because I know at some point I'll change
I'll turn on them with so much pain
I miss having a life
I reside in a rhealm
Not alive but death not allowed
I've been cursed and betrayed
The God that made me doesn't love me
I'm his cruel joke...

[SweetLullaby430]

Hi, I'm Nina, I'm 27, and I'm brand new here. I have type 1 bipolar disorder, rapid cycling. Lately I've been experiencing a lot of mixed episodes. I'm also diagnosed with ADD. My pdoc recently started me on Seroquel XR (I'm on other meds too, I was just switched from regular Seroquel to the XR) and not only am I experiencing migraines but also severe agitation and I can feel myself beginning to cycle. I called her to tell her about my side effects, but since I have an apt with her at the end of the month she wants to "wait and see" how I am once the meds have been working a little longer. Well, I've already been on them for about 3 weeks... I hate her, but I have very few options in the area. Anyway, It's nice to meet you all and be a part of this.

[donna450]

Sweet syllabus430
I am on 100mg I take once a day...side effects that hit me when I first used it was strange and pdoc had about the same reaction. Is yours extended release? So it can't be cut right?
Now I am 65 and I've been going thru bipolar over40+ years. My meds are continually being adapted. But if it isn't or is making me feel worse and you know it's that medication. What I did personally not saying you should or shouldn't only you and your doc can make that decision; but I cut my pill in half...or I took my pill every other day until I felt the side effects lessening. Not all people can do this. So be very careful to self medicate....never increase a medication and if you cut back do so very slowly. The sideeffects feel any different i suggest you don't. Monitor yourself carefully

effects in just stopping any medication dead is a disaster ready to happen.. Good luck

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Welcome to the new folks

[takezo_m]

Hi everyone. I'm really glad I found this forum. I'm still working out my medications and strategies and support and all of that so its a big deal for me to have a place where I don't feel alone or weak or weird because of everything...you know? Anyway, I think this place is pretty cool.

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[Beautiful*Mess]

Hi! I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I also have issues with anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and depression. It has taken me forever to seek out a support group and I am not sure why because I know it will be really good for me. I'm just happy that I'm here and that I am able to gain support and interact with other people that deal with some of the same issues that i do! Happy to be here!

[Believe5524]

Hi, my name is Bobbie. I am in my 40's, have two teenage daughters and a fiancé. I have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life. The doctors always said I was just depressed and pumped me full of anti-depressants, which never worked. I have even voluntarily admitted myself to mental hospitals three times because I was so depressed I couldn't handle it. FINALLY I found a new doctor that knows what she's doing and was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 three weeks ago.

Needless to say, my life is falling apart right in front of me. My meds are slowly starting to work, but I don't have any real relief yet. I am so depressed, cry all the time. Everyone says I'm mean, though I can't see it. My family doesn't understand and aren't willing to educate themselves about the disease. My fiancé works out of town and my kids just walked out on me tonight, saying they can't deal with me anymore. I'm on the verge of losing my job I've had for 24 years.

Life is unbearable! I am so alone. I have no one to talk to. I just don't know what to do.

[IMUURU]

I'm 44 years old w/ ADHD and Bipolar I, Mixed type.

I found out about all of this when I was 32 years old. First ADHD then the Bipolar. I went 32 years as a mother, friend, wife, and a ***** up at every single one of them. I guess I'm lucky I have people who still love me even though I do get it thrown in my face here and there about how ME focused I am.

I think the thing that is most frustrating is that for the most part I seem very functional. No doubt I'm seen as a ****** a lot of the time, but I'm regarded at work as intelligent and good at what I do even if I do come off as condescending or stuck up.

The thing is being functional at work is about all I can muster. My house is a disaster. The only thing differentiating me from the people on Hoarders sometimes is 20 years in the same place. (OK, Maybe not THAT bad). I eat like crap, my house is a wreck.

I HATE my job right now. I've used so much of my time this year just because I couldn't bring myself to go in. I'd have used more if I didn't have them over a barrel so many days and when I called out I "offered" to work from home which they took me up on.

I wake up every day and the first thing I notice before my eyes even open is how irritated I feel. I'm ANGRY that I have to go to that job, but I barely have the energy to put forth into a job search and then there's a fear that whatever comes next won't work out because I've LEFT a job and gotten myself screwed in doing so.

I want to go back to school. Sometimes I wish I could go off of my meds because I miss some of the creativity I know I had, but I also remember how dysfunctional I was without it so that scares me to death as well.

I feel like I could use a year off to breathe easy, but unfortunately my life does not afford me such a luxury and so I try to find a way to cope. I just wish I didn't constantly feel like I was spinning in my head. When I first went on Ritalin, the noise in my head stopped for the first time ever, but it's back. Doc won't up it b/c he thinks it's the Bipolar. Just stressed out. Hoping to find some guidance here.

[IMUURU]

WOW! I just typed out a long diatribe and lost the whole thing. Yup. Exactly how my life is right now.

[smallwonderer]

Hi all - have been lurking on the forum for sometime but decided to register. Was diagnosed in Spring 2014 (at age 32) with bipolar I disorder after mania/psychosis got me admitted to the hospital. The year before I had started a high-stress job that necessitated moving and living apart from my partner of at the time almost 9 years. I think these changes precipitated mania/psychosis. I am not sure when I started being bipolar before that - even as a small child, I had an eating disorder, was moody, was suicidal in my teens. I always thought that was just life though - I probably haven't totally adjusted to the fact that these were warning signs for bipolar.

One struggle for me - I grew up in a chaotic household with very troubled parents but I used to be the one who held it together and persevered and had it 'together' more than my parents did. Somehow when my diagnosis came about, I felt diminished by the fact that I was the one with the most severe diagnosis.

I am starting to get over all of these things, but now I feel like I might want to rethink how career oriented I was in the beginning of my life before my diagnosis. I have thought this on and off, but I am starting to think I'd like to make a plan for a kind of job I can work reasonable hours that would be good for keeping me employed, productive, financially secure if possible even while coping with bpI.

[Kevsky161928]

Hi I'm kevin and been 48 years old and been going through bipolar episodes since I was a late teenager . My first episode of mania was triggered from a long time girlfriend that broke up with me . I was aware but I couldn't stop talking about it , at work at home to strangers to anybody who would listen . It became so bad I had to take meds to get sleep and get back on track . I found new girlfriend and basically used drugs just to jump start me and got off as soon as possible . I lived in mood swings , angry and very violent but never became manic again till just recently when my wife left me with our daughter . Now I'm on several types of meds and feel that I'll be this way for the rest of my life ! I can't stand it . I hate not knowing what might happen today ,who will I explode on . I need meds to sleep I need meds to feel alive . I'm on lexipro to help me not be depressed and then Xanex to help me sleep at night .
I have a very long history of bi polar ( manic depression in family back round ) my dad had several break downs and was on lithium and several other drugs ) I'm so tired of trying to find that perfect balance of meds or wishing I didn't have this chemical imbalance . I'm also so worried about being put into that stigmata ova crazy person . Jus beat up lonely and don't know what to do . I need help to feel that I'm not alone and there's other people out there who have beat this chemical imbalance . My last breakdown has left me totally on meds and dependent . I've tried to get off and find myself crying uncontrollably and barely able to work . If anybody has some positive feed back it would help me considerably I'm lost scared and worried .

[kael]

Originally Posted by IMUURU

WOW! I just typed out a long diatribe and lost the whole thing. Yup. Exactly how my life is right now.

arrgh! I hate it when that happens!