[allme]

Hi all,

it has been quite some time since I have been here.. I come back when feeling bad and then the truth of whats going on is too much for me to bare...so I run away.

Ok, so this time, I don't want to run away.

My situation is crap at the moment which is triggering me in everyway. One minute I am bouncing, the next minute I am laying on the sofa curled up with a blanket not wanting to speak to anyone and basically feeling like a lump of crap. I guess I don't have to go into detail... you all know what I am talking about.

Anyway, whats brought this on is the fact that my brother is staying with me. His girlfriend left him and took their kids with them. He has been here for the last month and basically, he is draining me. I suspect he also has bipolar...i am no doctor but have lived with it for most of my life so recognise the signs. He has nothing, I mean literally, all he has are the clothes on his back. Any money he gets from benefits, he spunks on loosed women, drugs and alcohol. I have told him he need to sort out some clothing and look to finding a place of his own but he just isnt listening. he makes out like he is listening but he really isnt and its driving me crazy. He knows exactly how to work me and is at any point he can. I had a big talk with him today about responsibility and he looks like he is listening but I know full well he isnt going to take any notice at all. On top of that, its putting a strain on my marriage. My husband doesnt like my brother...he calls him a wrongen and actually come to think of it...he is. You cant trust him, you cant rely on him to do the right thing. He only cares about what he wants and does whatever he can to get what he wants. He has 3 kids and doesnt seem bothered he isnt seeing them. I have to do everything for him, tell him when to wake up, tell him to have a shower.... I have to prompt him to do everything. I am moving to the south coast around august september time and I worry he wont have his life sorted by then and by that, I mean a place of his own, clothes and basic hygiene. He is a chancer and I am giving him everything that he wants. I cant turf him out...what am I supposed to do? He is like a child and has no idea what it is to live a semi normal life. I dont have the emotuonal energy to deal with him so give in all the time. Like I said, the whole situation has triggered me and I am rapid cycling. On top of that my new CPN wont return my calls to make an appointment.

So with all this going on, I am not on any level stable. So I start dreamiong of my old T that I had an affair with. The past while I have been getting on, and I was thinking of him less and less... I even had days where he didnt enter my head. Considering I would think of him all day and all night, go to sleep thinking of him and then again in the morning he was the first thing I thought about. I now have a serious urge to contact him and be held by him I just dont know where to turn

[blueoctober]

sorry you're going through this. Is there anyone else in your brother's life that can help him out? Perhaps when you talk to him next explain that you will be setting a time limit for him to move out etc. perhaps 1 month would be fair?

Do you have people in your life that can support you and are healthy to spend time with? As far as wanting to contact T I don't know the background of the situation, but it's natural to want human contact etc. when one is going through a stressful time. However, you're married and a T that would have an affair with a patient lacks boundaries, respect etc. and most likely isn't a healthy person to spend time with. I hope things get sorted out soon and your CPN calls you back.

[allme]

Thanks! Wow, you are the only person to have replied. So a huge thank you! i know I may not be here very often....hmm maybe thats why nobody wants to reply to me.

Anyway, my husband has just left after another huge arguement over my brother being here. I really dont know what to do. He doesnt have anybody else he can turn to other than his druggy friends and my mum and dad are just happy they dont have to deal with it. You know, it makes me so angry.. they failed me and my brother as children and now they are failing us again. My dad is so quick to call me and tell me what my brother needs...so quick to listen to me cry but oh so slow to offer any real help. Story of my bleeping life with them, they make me so angry and I have nobody to support me not even my cpn really really feeling like crap now and cant stop blimming crying

[allme]

another thing, I get so mean when angry and defensive, I say some awful and really hurtful things and I so regret it afterwards It just makes any situation 100 times worse

[crzyladee]

sweety, you have to put your well being first sometimes and this sounds like it may be one of those times. I have been in a similar situation with my brother, who is a mooch. I finally got fed up and told him he has a week to find a job or he has to walk. This got his attention but I did have to hound him every day.

I hope things get better for you, it is hard when someone takes advantage of you, especially whne you have MI. Feel better!!

[allme]

Hi and thanks! My husband says the same thing but the problem is, I will feel so responsible if something bad happens to him, which is will without support and someone to help guide him. I feel so so stuck

[crzyladee]

You can't control what another person is doing or going to do. All you can control is yourself, and with bipolar at times you can't even control yourself (in my experience that is). I know how easy it can be to feel the guilt over anothers actions, and it stinks!

Do you go to therapy regularly? If not it may help you greatly on coping skills. If not, you can always post post and post some more.

[Polly23]

You definitely have to put yourself first. Like crzyladee said, you cannot control how others live their lives or how they react or feel. You are not responsible for your brother. Would your husband be the heavy and explain to your brother that he has to get his things in order within say a couple of weeks, and then that's it he has to leave? This way it takes the pressure off of you and empowers your husband to be in some control of the situation? Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[BlackPup]

thinking of you, it sounds like a horrible situation.
I agree with crzyladee, he has to learn to look after himself and you need to put you and your husband before your brother...

[sanityseeker]

(((((allme)))) I am so sorry you are put in this position with your brother. I can just imaging how many triggers are being set off for you.

As hard as it is to not carry him the truth is you are not doing him any kindness. If you take care of him (enable him) he will never get it together or find the help he needs to get his life back on track. As true as that may be it doesn't make it easier to set the boundaries you both need.

Are there any community service agencies that you could turn to for help? You can't do this alone especially with everything else you are dealing with. He is robbing you of your power and that seems to be pushing you into a corner and looking to places you know aren't healthy to escape the pressure you are under.

I hope things can be resolved soon and your brother gets the professional help he needs. Setting time limits for him to stop avoiding life and hiding from his problems may be the best thing you can do for him.

Sweet blessing dear allme.

[Eloise42]

I have a total care-taking compulsion so I understand feeling like you have to do this but it sounds like your brother is literally draining you. He is taking a very real toll on your emotional well-being and your marriage. I really think you should set some boundaries, setting a time-limit was a good idea.

One way my parents eventually found for getting my uncle off of their couch was they would tell him the terms of crashing at our house was he had to do some minor job around the house. He would nail a couple of boards down and be gone the next day. It was totally reasonable and completely effective.

Figure out what totally reasonable thing he would never in a million years be able to conform to, a curfew, no drinking in the house, etc. and tell him that's the new house rule. If nothing else it could be something that makes your husband happy.

[vjdragonfly]

Allme, I can totally sympathize with you. I lived with my husband's brother for many years and the best he would do was play video games all day long and work. Something my therapist once told me was we are not responsible for what might happen to someone else. In my case I wanted to leave my husband, but he threatened to kill himself. I didn't want that on my head, but my therapist helped me realize if he took that action it is no way my fault. I know it is a hard one to swallow, but it makes sense. I know you love your brother and are in fear of his well being, but like everyone has said, you need to set boundaries and a time limit for him to get it together. Know it is for your well being and the relationship with your husband. You are not at fault for the choices your brother chooses.

[allme]

thank you all so very much for your replies, I really do appreciate it I feel so ill today so will have to keep it sweet. I had the most awful arguement with hubby again and now I feel lifeless, I feel so sick .... I really do need to vent but havent got the energy going to have an early night....thanks again... will be back tomorrow, hopefully feeling better xoxoxoxox's

[sanityseeker]

(((((((allme))))))) here for you sweety.

[allme]

Thanks SS

I have woken up today feeling alot better I got up at 6am, cleaned the house and saw to a heap on unopened letters! I have spoken with my brother and explained what all this is doing to me. He promised to start taking more responsibility for himself. Only time will tell. As for me and my husband...there's tension in the air but atleast we're not ripping into eachother!

I have aload of washing to do.... I let things build up when not feeling great...thank God for the days where I have energy to catch up with everything.

I have also applied to the Open University to start an introductory course in counselling. I don't think I could ever make it as a counsellor but it's more for personal development

My urge to contact ex 't' is going away again and I am so glad I resisited to urge to txt him! God knows where that road would have taken me. I just need to be reminded that when I do want to contact him, it's not for the right reasons and need to find love and support along the correct channels. Saying that, it's mighty hard to see that when I am so deep in a bad place.

Anyway, today is a good day and I am going to make the most of it I am going to need to keep a tab of how I am feeling.... I don't want to get too high and then come crashing down again. But again, while it is happening, it's hard for me too see. Might ask my husband to give me a lil wake up call if I start floating away......

thanks again all! Muchly appreciated! xx

[Warrioress]

Thank God things are okay

[allme]

Thank you! Well, atleast for now they are lol x

[sanityseeker]

Every minute well is a minute free from being unwell. Happy to hear you are having a good day.

[vjdragonfly]

I really hope you got through to your brother. Don't give him room to not do as he said he would. Yea on feeling better.

[JourneyUpward]

Hi. I agree with crzyladee and Polly. Your brother is using you and playing on your feelings. He knows you feel guilty at the thought of making him leave and he knows how to push all your buttons. He will use you until you crash and burn and then he will find someone else to use. You may not think he will, but believe me, I've seen this scenario time and again. Your health is your first priority so you can have a healthy relationship with your husband, who is your second priority. You made vows with your husband--not your brother. Do what Polly suggested, let your husband take control and give your brother the ultimatum. Don't let your brother sap you dry and ruin your marriage--you will be left with nothing. And your therapist was/is totally unprofessional for taking advantage of your emotional state--he's just as bad. Keep your hubby--he's a gem for standing by you through all of this.

[allme]

Thanks again all. I needed to hear alot of the things you've said. Hard to accept but I needed to hear it. I had another HUGE arguement with my husband today.....which again has proved to me I need to take control of my anger issues. I used to be violent with my anger which I have manged to control for a few years now but today and again a few days ago, I made a swipe for my husband. I am not proud of it and feel totally sick with myself but right now, all my resources are being drained. I felt good the other day but it was a false good. My husband asked me to put a time limit on my brothers staying here and I agreed to 2 months. I have a major issue when it comes to my family, which I should porbably bring up in a new thread as I would like to hear views on it. But anyway, as for my brother situation, I am going to tell him he has 2 months to sort himself out, I will be here for him and help him for the next 2 months but then he is on his own...... I can't afford to go into a depression. I have felt major anxiety after my arguement with my husband and its been coming on in waves all evening. Its now gone 1am and I cant sleep cause of it ARGHHHHHHH

[allme]

I was going to start a new thread about my family and how they drain me and have done all my life but I just havent got the energy I feel like a need a break from them (mum, dad and brother) but feel guilty that i feel this way. My dad puts major pressure on me in alot of ways and its really getting to me in a big way. He has taken advantage of me for years :'( ......I question my feelings and wonder if its just me being over emotional and paranoid. Growing up was very difficult in my house as everything revolved around my mumd moods. If she had a good day, we had a good day but if she had a bad day, the rest of us turned into people pleasers and my dad would sometimes use me and my brother as pawns to make my mum feel better. At these times, my mums feelings and moods were put before me and my brother. This is all too upsetting for me to really talk about any further..... I feel totally neglected and mistreated by my family for more reasons then listed above... they are toxic and drain me all the time of any emotional energy. My dad calls me every day and right now I dont want to speak to him. I ignored him call today and to be honest, could do with a break from him. He calls me every day and at the moment, the calls are about my brother and how I can help him get his life back on track ARGHHH this shouldnt be my responsibility and its funny how he can give all the directions but isnt willing to lift a finger himself to do anything! :'( :'( They all make me feel sick and I wish they would all just leave me alone! :'(

[sanityseeker]

(((((allme))))) I am sorry it took so long for me to check in with you. Family issues are never easy to resolve. And pushing family back can be a hard thing to do. Even when you know how sick the pressure is make you. I hope you are able to find the calm you need to bring the anger and anxiety down to a manageable level.

Giving your brother a 2 month time limit is a very positive move don't you think? When you have moments of doubt he will be able to get on his feet within that time you will need to be careful you don't cave. You will be doing him a favour in the long run.

I had a cousin come to crash here for awhile. I let her sleep and sit around all day for a couple of weeks. I knew she was coming down from a drug bing and sleeping a lot was probably the best thing for her. Once the drugs had worn off I told her I could not afford to feed her and buy her cigarettes and while she was welcome to stay she would need to get a job and pull her weight with house chores. There would be no drugs and no late nights on the internet.

She didn't even wait a day before she found someone with a couch to sleep on to come and get her. It was her choice to be a cough surfer instead of getting her life on track. I loved her too much to let her mooch. Her dad had enabled her that way for years until the family convinced him he wasn't doing her any favours. She did finally get it together when she ran out of places to crash.

It might be a good idea to consider the suggestion people have offered. Asking your husband to take the reigns with monitoring the 2 month stay and giving you some space while you attend to your needs. Your husband deserves to see some stability in his own life. He can't in the current climage.

Perhaps he can even speak with your dad and ask him to give you some space. It is more then okay allme. It sounds like it is critical right now for you to be honest with yourself and ask for some help and support to get out from under the pressures being imposed on you by your family. You must come first and your family most honour that or you will need to cut them out for a while.

No decision you make on behalf of your own wellness is permanent. You are not abandoning anyone. You are holding on to your life and your marriage. If they can't respect that then you really have no choice but to back them off or give your husband the reigns to do it for you.

You want your marriage. You want your health. Don't let anyone compromise that. It will not serve anyone's interests for you to to get sicker then you are now by trying to cope under the conditions you are in. You aren't coping. You are getting sicker. Everyone will loose if you are not given the space to recover. No one more than you.

May you find the peace you need to find some stability in your days. My thoughts and prayers are with you hun.

[Warrioress]

I can't offer any advice, because I haven't been in your situation, but I truely care about how things are going with you. Take care

[BlackPup]

I just don't know what to say, I can't imagine being in your position. I am sorry that things are so tough and hope that your family can butt out and let you get on with your life, and that your brother finds somewhere else to stay so that you can look after yourself. Thinking of you