[nicko9000]

Ok guys, i'm not really sure how I can communicate with my fiance right now.

She has bipolar, and apart from one instance in February this hasn't really affected our relationship.

But recently she's been quite distant with me, and by that I mean she's spending more time texting on her phone when we're together, doesn't text or call me as much as usual, is more abrupt when she responds to me and she generally doesn't seem as interested in me physically (Both sexually and non sexually). Then yesterday she said that she said that on one hand, she isn't sure whether she wants to be with me anymore and that she doesn't want to drag me along, but on the other hand she loves me more than anything and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She says that she feels she might be heading into a depressive phase, and doesn't know which of the above is her, and which is the depression talking. This is similar to what happened in February, except then I really hurt her emotionally and I could completely see where she was coming from. But now, it seems like this is 'unprovoked' and out of nowhere, as just last month we were perfect.

So my question is, what am I to do? I'm not sure what I can do to aid the situation, or help her come to a decision, or anything. She's practically ignored me for the past few days and seems really agitated with me, and i'm not sure what to do . Do I just leave her to it? Do I try 'convince' her? I've already said i'll stop sexual advances as it's not appropriate at the moment, but that's as far as i've gotten.

Should I try sitting down with her and asking her what I should be doing? As recently she's not been in the mood for talking, and even the things she's asked me to do when she feels like she does (Speaking to her in a different way, asking more specific questions and such) aren't working.

I'm almost sure this will pass and we'll be 'back to normal' soon but I don't want to just sit here and wait. I want to support her the best I can but i'm not at all sure how. Sorry if this is a bit lengthy, and if there's anything confusing in what I said i'm happy to clarify.

Thanks for any advice
Nick

[kaliope]

Nick
You are in a very difficult situation and I commend you for trying to understand where your fiance is coming from. Is she on medication for her disorder? Under the care of a doctor or therapist? Maybe a couple of joint sessions with her therapist could help you understand her more and how to handle her illness to increase the success of your relationship if your fiance would allow that.

It is a shame that she is shutting you out when you can offer he so much support, especially if she is going into a depressive phase. Your idea to ask her what she needs from you is a good one. Let her know that you are there for her for any support she may need. Hopefully she trusts you enough to turn to you. I think it is great that you understand that this mood is only temporary and that things will return to normal after a time. That is the nature of this illness.

however it can put a strain on the best of relationships. i would recommend really educating yourself on bipolar disorder. and when your fiance isnt cycling, have her tell you as much as she can about her personal cycles, what you can expect and what you can do to help and things you should steer clear of.

if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

[ohlala]

The advice from kaliope is very good. In addition, you should know BP is a lifelong condition. In my experience no one is "cured". I have a wonderful and loving husband of 20 years who watched me on the manic rollercoaster ride up which included extra-marital affairs, exorbitant spending, gambling, traveling, etc. And he has been there for me when I crash and am depressed for months, lacking motivation, not interested in sexual contact, not interested in socializing. I could be soft and fuzzy about all of this but coming from my perspective I would say that you are probably in for a long and bumpy ride. Not that it should diminish your love for her, or your hopes and dreams. Just be prepared to deal with it.

[nicko9000]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Nick
You are in a very difficult situation and I commend you for trying to understand where your fiance is coming from. Is she on medication for her disorder? Under the care of a doctor or therapist? Maybe a couple of joint sessions with her therapist could help you understand her more and how to handle her illness to increase the success of your relationship if your fiance would allow that.

It is a shame that she is shutting you out when you can offer he so much support, especially if she is going into a depressive phase. Your idea to ask her what she needs from you is a good one. Let her know that you are there for her for any support she may need. Hopefully she trusts you enough to turn to you. I think it is great that you understand that this mood is only temporary and that things will return to normal after a time. That is the nature of this illness.

however it can put a strain on the best of relationships. i would recommend really educating yourself on bipolar disorder. and when your fiance isnt cycling, have her tell you as much as she can about her personal cycles, what you can expect and what you can do to help and things you should steer clear of.

if you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

Thank you both for your replies. She stopped taking lithium about a month ago, and isnt of yet undertaking any psychotherapy. Her doctor suggested that for a short while she stopped taking her medication to see how she felt, and whether other people noticed a difference. Depending on the results, they were considering moving her onto psychotherapy instead of medication. Both her and her mother agreed to this (She still lives with her parents), and for a week didn't tell anyone, including me, that she had stopped taking medication. When she did tell me, I honestly never noticed a difference in her behavior. If anything she seemed happier because she didn't have to take the medication (She also has annemia and suffers night terrors, so for the past few years she's taken medication for these aswell). Apart from these past few days she doesnt seem to be acting any differently, so I wouldn't put this down to the stopping of her medication.

I've asked her a few times since how she is feeling, and how different she feels now she no longer takes lithium. She told me she no longer has as much going on in her head, and after a discussion she said that she wasn't sure whether she prefered that over having more thoughts in her head whilst on lithium. (To clarify, she's talkative and willing to tell me things when she's not in a depressive phase or upset, but otherwise unless I know exactly what to say [Which is never] she's a closed book.

To an extent I can understand why she might not want to talk to me, as in the past i've sometimes been far from helpful. We have argued many times about this issue, her stance is always that she doesn't tell me things because I 'Dont get it', or that because I dont ask, I don't care. My response has been the same, that if she doesn't tell me anything I wont be able to try and understand or work out what I should be asking.

As for your comment about her cycles, there's not a great deal I can ask I dont think as she has an unclassified type of bipolar, which she explained to me means that her cycles are completely random, and sometimes she doesn't have any depressive or manic phases at all for months, but at the same time can have rapidly changing ones that can vary from day to day. The instance in february is a prime example. She went to sleep seeming 'normal', but within a few hours she'd got herself depressed and ended up self harming during the night, completely out of nowhere.

She hasn't heard anything from her doctor yet regarding therapy, but i've said to her that I'd be more than happy to accompany her to therapy sessions if she wanted me there, but she said she wasn't sure, as she might want some privacy.

The next time we meet up i'll ask her what it is she wants me to do like you recommended, and update you guys with what she said.
I am wondering though, what if she says she doesn't know? Or that there's nothing I can do? It's likely she'll be hiding something if she says either of the two because she almost always does that if there's something up. I ask because if she says she doesn't know i'm back to square one with nowhere to look next

[kaliope]

it really doesnt sound as if lithium has worked well to stabilize her. the thing with cycles is not necessarily whether they follow a pattern but there usually is a theme. manic behavior typically is acted out in the same way as well as depressive behaviors, like self harm. knowing how she is going to behave while she is cycling will allow you to feel more prepared than you currently feel, which comes across as helpless in your post. if you know she self harms when she is depressed, you can rid the home of her favored self harm instruments when she is depressed. if you know she likes to spend while manic, you can take away the credit cards during those periods. Ohlala paints a pretty accurate picture of of what it can be like living with some bipolars. i like to spend, had some gamblings issues, but always payed my bills first thank god, self harm, dying my hair, driving fast, suicidal depressions, drinking, and impulsive long emails that scared the hell out of people. i overwhelmed others. your fiance pushes you away. she says you wont understand. you will find that a theme in a lot of threads here. it is really hard to understand what goes on in our minds. until you live it, its really hard to get it. and i dont know that there is a way to explain it.

the question is, that you have to think hard about, is can you live feeling that powerless, not being let in, not understanding what shes going through, wanting to help that bad, and not being able to?

[Sheba976]

Have you tried talking to her parents? It sounds like going off the meds may be putting her into a depressive phase. It sounds like she is not in the correct mind to make any sort of relationship decisions. Just let her know that you are there when she needs you and you still love her no matter what. My bf has gone to therapy with me and that is extremely helpful for myself and he as well.

[nicko9000]

So, I met with her yesterday. We hugged, she started crying. We started talking about why she's not sure about us anymore, and that she thinks i've changed. She also said that she just didnt feel the butterflies anymore, and told me that some C*nt at her work decided to tell her he loved her even though he knew me and Heather (fiance) were struggling. Eventually, after a lot of talking, she started crying, but this time she ended up trying to dig her nails into her hands and tried biting herself. I ended up trying to restrain her for about 20 minutes and ended up sat on top of her, holding her hands in mine telling her it was okay and that I loved her. She calmed down eventually, and we went for a walk. We ended up deciding (I didnt really want to) That I should give her some space for a week or so, this way if it was just the depression then she'd eventually realise and come back.

That was pretty much the end of it, until this morning:

(Via text, minus the kisses)
Her: I can't let go.
Me: Then dont
Her: I dont now what i'm doing
Me: You just need time theres not much that can be done now
Her: I don't know if I want to be with you, be alone a while, or see what happens with Joe. (The douche who flirts with her at work and told her he loved her)
Me: Joe is a Pr*ck. He's trying to drive us apart. & Why wold you end a 17 month relationship just to 'find out' what happens with someone else?
Her: I get butterflies. I don't now :/
Me: So you plan on jumping to the next person every time that happens? It kinda feels like the fact you're thinking about it shows you dont want me as much as you say.
Her: I want this to work. I just dont know if it will.
Me: It wont if you spend half your time wanting to go out with am a malicious c*nt instead of someone you say you want to be with forever.
Her: I need to get it outta my head.
Me: Yeah, you do. You've been caught up in his bullsh*t. He's trying to split us apart. No real friend (She's friends with this idiot) would think of doing that. (Heather previously dated my best friend. During which time, I actually advised them both and tried to keep them together, even though I wanted to be with her. I explained that this is what real friends do, not what he's doing) The fact you want to be with him too even though youlove me as much as you say either means we're dragging something along that's doomed to fail, or it's the depression talking. I think you need to figure out which it is.
Her: Stop having a go at me. I said to try. Please just stop.
Me: I'm not having a go. I'm just saying. I know it's the depression talking. You just need to realise it too.
Her: Things are harder to realise when you're in the middle of it.
Me: I know. But that doesnt mean you wont realise at all. It's only a matter of time. The way I see it, if it's not the depression talking, then 17 months has meant nothing if you're even considering leaving me for him.
Her: Dont talk that way. Of course it means something.
Me: Exactly! Which means it must be the depression putting things in your head
Her: I hope you're right.

So yeah. Now i'm confused as hell as to what to do. Even if she does 'come out of it' and come back to me, I have to live with the fact that she wants to be with some d*ck at work who wants to be with her.

Originally Posted by Sheba976

Have you tried talking to her parents? It sounds like going off the meds may be putting her into a depressive phase. It sounds like she is not in the correct mind to make any sort of relationship decisions. Just let her know that you are there when she needs you and you still love her no matter what. My bf has gone to therapy with me and that is extremely helpful for myself and he as well.

Her step dad is a douche who doesn't care, but I guess I could try mentioning something to her mum. I doubt its the lack of meds putting her into a phase as shes been off them for around 2 months now, and before we were together her moods were worse and more frequent. & I completely agree, I explained to her that making a decision now would only be a mistake she probably couldn't fix. We're better than when I first posted this thread, but it' still not resolved yet. I just hope she doesn't end up kissing him or anything whilst they're at work. I really dont think I could forgive her for that, even though I know it wasn't her fault.

[unaluna]

Nick, if I were you, I would do 2 things - 1. move on from this chick 2. do something to learn teamwork, like take up some sport? THEN get back into the dating game. sincerely. best wishes.

[OneDown]

How many similar episodes has she had in the past? I'm in a similar boat as your fiance (though you seem to be doing a lot more to try to reach her than my wife has tried with me). I would suggest telling her what your limitations are regarding this other guy and what her actions could mean for the relationship - you need to set some boundaries on whats acceptable to you, and what actions on her part would be unforgivable.

Going through something similar, one of my friends pointed out it may be self-sabotage; a self-destruct mechanism designed to sever my remaining relationships so I could commit suicide with a clearer conscience. Has she given any inclination that she may be thinking something similar?

[nicko9000]

Originally Posted by OneDown

How many similar episodes has she had in the past? I'm in a similar boat as your fiance (though you seem to be doing a lot more to try to reach her than my wife has tried with me). I would suggest telling her what your limitations are regarding this other guy and what her actions could mean for the relationship - you need to set some boundaries on whats acceptable to you, and what actions on her part would be unforgivable.

Going through something similar, one of my friends pointed out it may be self-sabotage; a self-destruct mechanism designed to sever my remaining relationships so I could commit suicide with a clearer conscience. Has she given any inclination that she may be thinking something similar?

By episodes you mean when she tried to hurt herself infront of me? Once, a few months ago when the condom split during sex. We rushed off to the clinic straight after and on the way there she was freaking out, trying to bite herself etc. Aside from that, andyesterday it's never happened. But this one seemed alot more severe. I had to physically restrain her despite her struggles to calm her down. Last time I did have to force her hands away from her mouth once or twice but apart from that it wasn't difficult at all. She's pretty strong so it wasn't easy to get hold of her.

As for any mention of suicide, she hasn't mentioned anything of the sort. I don't recall her ever threatening suicide to be honest. She's brought it up a few times, saying that it would be better if she wern't here, and similar things, but these have been more of a "Whats the point in life" series of discussions that are typical of any depression. The depressive phase has made her less talkative in general, but it seems it's had more of an effect on us than anything else, whereas any previous depression has caused her to shut up completely, wonder what the point of anything is, etc.

To be completely honest, I could understand to a certain degree her concerns about our relationship if they came from anyone else, however the fact it's gone from discussing moving in together, children etc, to wanting space in such a short space of time, makes me certain the depression is at least influencing how she feels. Plus if this were to happen when she wasn't depressed, she'd most likely bring up her concerns and we'd try and work them out. It wouldn't go straigh to 'I think we need space'

It's been made clear having space from one another isn't an excuse to start seeing other people for a short while, although I think it might be a good idea to bring it up again just to confirm it's understood from her point of view. Would it be too much to actually tell her i'd break up with her if anything happened? I don't want to put her under pressure but at the same time I dont want her to think that i'd completely forgive her for doing anything because she wasnt sure what she wanted.

Originally Posted by hankster

Nick, if I were you, I would do 2 things - 1. move on from this chick 2. do something to learn teamwork, like take up some sport? THEN get back into the dating game. sincerely. best wishes.

Any reason why I should do that? And what does teamwork or sport have to do with this? O.o

[unaluna]

It seems to me like you are pressuring her to stay. For example, what does this mean:

"It's been made clear having space from one another isn't an excuse to start seeing other people for a short while"

It's been made clear? Who made what clear? You "made it clear" to her? It sounds like you are trying to dictate how the relationship is going to run. It is not teamwork, a partnership, between the two of you. You aren't acting like her friend, you're acting like her boss. I feel like I am being harsh telling you this, but I appreciate you asking me for an explanation.

Maybe a better way to put it is, I feel like she is saying things, but since they are things you don't agree with, you tell her she doesn't have a strong enough "reason" to say them. That's called "invalidation", you can do a search for that word on PC.

But full disclosure, I am not in a relationship. But I just really think you can do better than her, be happier than you would be with her, someone who would suit you better, and appreciate you more, without you having to point it out to her. Seriously. You deserve better.

[roads]

Originally Posted by nicko9000

To be completely honest, I could understand to a certain degree her concerns about our relationship if they came from anyone else, however the fact it's gone from discussing moving in together, children etc, to wanting space in such a short space of time, makes me certain the depression is at least influencing how she feels. Plus if this were to happen when she wasn't depressed, she'd most likely bring up her concerns and we'd try and work them out. It wouldn't go straigh to 'I think we need space.'

It's been made clear having space from one another isn't an excuse to start seeing other people for a short while, although I think it might be a good idea to bring it up again just to confirm it's understood from her point of view. Would it be too much to actually tell her i'd break up with her if anything happened? I don't want to put her under pressure but at the same time I dont want her to think that i'd completely forgive her for doing anything because she wasnt sure what she wanted.

You obviously want to make this relationship work, Nick, but we really can't make relationships or people do what we want them to do. Throw someone who is bipolar into the mix, and the world turns upside-down.

I worry a lot at statements like, "I don't want to put her under pressure but at the same time I dont want her to think that i'd completely forgive her for doing anything because she wasnt sure what she wanted." Bipolar people are to some extent controlled by their cycles. They dont always know what they want; even when they do, they can't always obtain it. Life just isn't that simple. I don't think you get that. I also don't think you understand that you can only be a support for her, and you can be that only by learning her unique cycles and needs.

Going from attitudes like "let's get married" to "we need our space"? Oh, yeah, I've done that in the space of an hour--& meant it. Part of my life. Mine--and those who love me. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better, or maybe I need a med tweak. I can go for six months pretty level, then sometimes every day's bumpy or I spend weeks in the dark pit. Welcome to my world.

kaliope and ohlala have given you some priceless insight into considerations that you need to take to heart for everyone's sake. I hope you will read their posts again, ask about anything that's not clear, and research the subject more.

[nicko9000]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

You obviously want to make this relationship work, Nick, but we really can't make relationships or people do what we want them to do. Throw someone who is bipolar into the mix, and the world turns upside-down.

I worry a lot at statements like, "I don't want to put her under pressure but at the same time I dont want her to think that i'd completely forgive her for doing anything because she wasnt sure what she wanted." Bipolar people are to some extent controlled by their cycles. They dont always know what they want; even when they do, they can't always obtain it. Life just isn't that simple. I don't think you get that. I also don't think you understand that you can only be a support for her, and you can be that only by learning her unique cycles and needs.

Going from attitudes like "let's get married" to "we need our space"? Oh, yeah, I've done that in the space of an hour--& meant it. Part of my life. Mine--and those who love me. Maybe tomorrow I'll be better, or maybe I need a med tweak. I can go for six months pretty level, then sometimes every day's bumpy or I spend weeks in the dark pit. Welcome to my world.

kaliope and ohlala have given you some priceless insight into considerations that you need to take to heart for everyone's sake. I hope you will read their posts again, ask about anything that's not clear, and research the subject more.

I wasn't aware those kind of feelings could change so rapidly, so thank you for making that clear. I think I was trying too hard to find a reason why and trying too hard to change how she feels, instead of taking it at face value and helping her through it.

& What you and the other two seem to be saying is I don't understand that it's normal for her to feel how she does right now? Or am I missing something? >.<

Originally Posted by hankster

It seems to me like you are pressuring her to stay. For example, what does this mean:

"It's been made clear having space from one another isn't an excuse to start seeing other people for a short while"

It's been made clear? Who made what clear? You "made it clear" to her? It sounds like you are trying to dictate how the relationship is going to run. It is not teamwork, a partnership, between the two of you. You aren't acting like her friend, you're acting like her boss. I feel like I am being harsh telling you this, but I appreciate you asking me for an explanation.

I guess I worded that incorrectly. There was a mutual understanding between us, i.e it has been made clear so that we both understand this isn't an excuse to sleep around. I didn't make it clear, it was just 'made clear' in general, if that makes sense. It wasn't me telling her what the rules are, so I apologize if it came off that way. We both understood what 'giving her space' meant, however it does feel as though anything were to happen, this understandng wouldn't make a difference.

PLEASE NOTE TRIGGER ICON
***

Originally Posted by nicko9000

...As for any mention of suicide, she hasn't mentioned anything of the sort. I don't recall her ever threatening suicide to be honest. She's brought it up a few times, saying that it would be better if she wern't here, and similar things, but these have been more of a "Whats the point in life" series of discussions that are typical of any depression. The depressive phase has made her less talkative in general, but it seems it's had more of an effect on us than anything else, whereas any previous depression has caused her to shut up completely, wonder what the point of anything is, etc...

I know this isn't part of your questions (and sorry not to have much useful to say on those) and I don't want to freak you out or anything, but in reading this, I should probably to speak up. Though it is done with great hesitation. (This took hours to write, edit, re-edit debate etc). Not everyone threatens suicide directly. And without going into detail, let me assure you that is no indicator whatsoever.

"Better off dead" and "what's the point" can be serious too. Not always, because sometimes people just do say things like that and not mean much by them. But it is NO guarantee. Some people rarely say even those. Yeah, that guarded. Just sayin'.

For the very reason that people do sometimes say those in simple exasperation, they can also be used as "safe code" for something far more elaborate than is ever let on directly.

I'm not saying either way. I'm not in her head. It's just something to be aware of.

(Just to complicate things, one's feelings towards the whole concept of 'threatening' can play into it. But that is a whole 'nother discussion...)

[kaliope]

Originally Posted by nicko9000

I wasn't aware those kind of feelings could change so rapidly, so thank you for making that clear. I think I was trying too hard to find a reason why and trying too hard to change how she feels, instead of taking it at face value and helping her through it.

& What you and the other two seem to be saying is I don't understand that it's normal for her to feel how she does right now? Or am I missing something? >.<
.

Yes Nick, those feelings DO change so rapidly, you will NEVER know WHY, you will NEVER be able to CHANGE how she feels, and because she pushes you away you may NEVER be able to help her.

And yes it is NORMAL for her to feel what she does right now.

I apologize if i am coming across as harsh, but if you are going to spend a lifetime with a bipolar individual, you need to know the REALITY of bipolar.

Again, the symptoms manifest themselves in the many ways we have already discussed that can be very trying on a relationship.

[nicko9000]

Originally Posted by kaliope

Yes Nick, those feelings DO change so rapidly, you will NEVER know WHY, you will NEVER be able to CHANGE how she feels, and because she pushes you away you may NEVER be able to help her.

And yes it is NORMAL for her to feel what she does right now.

I apologize if i am coming across as harsh, but if you are going to spend a lifetime with a bipolar individual, you need to know the REALITY of bipolar.

Again, the symptoms manifest themselves in the many ways we have already discussed that can be very trying on a relationship.

So what would you recommend I do now?

I feel as though doing too little will mean she leaves or she makes a mistake as I haven't helped her enough, but at the same time trying to bug her might come across as desperate and may drive her away.

Is there even anything I can do, except 'sit it out' and wait?

& If anything were to happen, for example she kissed another guy and then realised she'd made a mistake and came back, do you have any advice in terms of how I can deal with that? I know she wouldn't do it intentionally, and that it would hurt like hell, but deep down i'll know she didnt mean it and i'll want to forgive her but i'm not sure I could.

Ugh

[kaliope]

As I have said, you really need to educate yourself on bipolar disorder, specifically on your fiance's symptomology. Talk to her mother about how she acts out. You know she self-harms, you know she withdraws and questions your relationship, what else does she do? Re-read Ohlala's post for other very commom ways bipolars behave when they are cycling.

Then you have to ask yourself, can you and your relationship survive these trials and tribulations? Look at how much you are struggling now, can you handle a lifetime of this? If you are in this for good, I already gave you suggestions on how to assist her in another post.

When you say "I feel as though doing too little will mean she leaves or she makes a mistake as I haven't helped her enough, but at the same time trying to bug her might come across as desperate and may drive her away." it sounds as if you are trying to control the outcome of her decision. All you can do is offer your support. Tell her you understand she is struggling right now and that she doesnt have to make a decision until she is better. then yes, just sit and wait it out.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by nicko9000

Eventually, after a lot of talking, she started crying, but this time she ended up trying to dig her nails into her hands and tried biting herself. I ended up trying to restrain her for about 20 minutes and ended up sat on top of her, holding her hands in mine telling her it was okay and that I loved her. She calmed down eventually, and we went for a walk. We ended up deciding (I didnt really want to) That I should give her some space for a week or so, this way if it was just the depression then she'd eventually realise and come back.

Wow....This really touched me....I didn't even make it past this part because I was so touched....This post is coming at a really sensitive time for me....I've been going through things with my bf/child's father....Things related to this very subject....He just....Doesn't get it....And it's not just that he doesn't "get it", there is absolutely no empathy whatsoever....The coldness is alot to handle sometimes....It's the hostility....Do you understand how much I wish he would treat me the way that you did in the part that I quoted? Do you? Instead of calling me a ***** and totally and calmy brushing off my feelings as if they were....Nothing...I have so much to write on this subject..Once I clear my head, and am able to effectively communicate how I feel, I will post on this very subject....And hopefully it will give you at least a slight glance into the mentality of your partner....I have no idea what your relationship has been like up until now...Hell, you could have been a total pr*ck, but what you wrote, what you did for her, I can tell you that that means alot....And if she can't verbalize it for you, I can tell you that it has to mean something to her to have you there for her like that....There are some women/or spouses who WISH that their mate treated them the way that you did when she needed you....To have enough desire to post this online in search of help and understanding...Enough for now....Good luck on your relationship....I can tell you really love her...Because believe me, not alot of men would react the way that you did....Again, good luck...

[unaluna]

A third alternative could have been to go for a walk to begin with. I don't agree that a man should "restrain" a woman or sit on top of her. That is kidnapping. "Love" is not an excuse for holding someone without their consent and I really don't see her consent in this, I see you overpowering her, verbally, and when that doesn't get you the answers and results you want, then physically. She has the right to do whatever she wants to her body; you, sir, do not. If you want to call the police to stop her from harming herself, if you feel she is truly in imminent danger, by law you may do that. I will no longer follow this thread. There should be a trigger for violence against women on it. I wish you all the best.

I'm going to come at this with a bit different approach. And yes you may have made some mistakes ie. Restraining her. But it don't believe you were doing so in a way intended to harm. Learn from it, don't do it again. And move on.

To me you sound like you are very desperately trying to hold onto this relationship. And I understand that. When we feel like we are loosing someone we love we tend to get that way. I read all the responses here and a lot of talk how to best serve her. What about how to best serve yourself in all this? To me is sounds as tho you have been in a committed relationship with her for quite some time, yes? I'm going to take an unpopular stance here and that is that bipolar or not we are accountable. I would not let someone string me along that I had been committed to for sometime while in the meantime listen to their woes of being confused by the new man at work. In my opinion bipolar or not she needs to make up her mind and not drag this on and on.

That might not be a quick process but I really think you need to step back and just focus on what you want. And what you need. I have bipolar 1 and it sometimes affects my relationship yes. But I also work very hard to make for the best relationship possible. Relationships can be hard no matter who is involved. I'm not convinced her indecisiveness is directly bipolar related or just a normal thing people go through. What bothers me is that she seems very unconcerned about how you are doing and you seem so concerned about she is doing. Where are "you" in all this.

[roads]

The kinds of questions you're asking now, and actually before, make me think that the uncontrollable nature of bipolar life would drive you beyond your tolerance before very long. You seem to want a relationship much more predictable than the sort you'd have with one of us.
That's not a judgment or putdown. We just aren't easy to live with, even really sweet ones like Anika who do their best to bring positives to a relationship.
Give yourself a break. Her too. IMO.

Roadrunner, you said what I was trying to say but better.

If you are not getting what you want or need from the relationship you have to step back and look at it for what it is. You cannot change or will the other person to be or stay. You can choose to move on if you are not happy, or you can choose to stay but under the assumption that things may not change. There is nothing wrong with saying " I cannot handle this". And as hard as I might try my bf definatly feels the effects. There is no way around it.

[ohlala]

Nick, you came here for advice and here's my two cents. You need to take a break from this relationship, you both need to agree to take a break (I would suggest a month). During this time, she can focus on therapy, medication adjustments, and rest. You can educate yourself more on BP disorder. Read some books, etc. Also during this break time, hopefully you and she will be able to gain some perspective on your relationship as well, with no pressure, no drama, no "scenes". I also think it would be a good idea for you to examine, with the help of a therapist, what you are experiencing and how you are relating to her, and your concerns about BP, the relationship etc. You both need some distance and some recuperation time. Time to think, time without pressure or obligations. If this relationship is meant to be, you should explore your own feelings, thoughts, ways of relating, etc. with the help of a therapist. If it is not meant to be, you will still find the input of a therapist helpful in helping you to move on. There is far too much drama going on to get a grip on anything. In my experience, drama usually heightens in BP when the patient is not compliant with medications, or their medications need serious adjustment. There is nothing you can do about that. It is out of your control. You can't "make" her do anything. Forcing issues (even if it is with all good intentions) is not going to help. Take a break and use that time wisely. Good luck to you.

[NYCDoglvr]

Is this what you want for yourself? Can you manage this if it keeps cropping up?

[kindachaotic]

Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr

Is this what you want for yourself? Can you manage this if it keeps cropping up?

Hello NYCDoglvr, Welcome! I see this is your first post.
Hope this site will be as helpful for you as it has been for me.
Also, have 4 rescue dogs, would be lost without them.
Take care & keep posting!