I am bipolar 2. I do not have full blown mania, but I do get very very very elevated. Does anyone else have a fear response to this? Outside of looking for external cues, like certain ways I will start talking or texting, or the physical signs... I base my levels on my reaction to it. Would it be better if I accepted it and not fought it??

[touchingsaturn]

i used to love being manic... that's where my screen name came from... the unquiet mind - a section about dancing on the rings of saturn... it can be quite addictive.. but so dangerous.. now that i'm older & have lived a bit more, manic periods scare the hell out of me... mainly because i can look back on my past and see the damage that uncontrolled manic times has done ... so yeah, i react strongly when i feel the upswing coming.. do whatever i can to try to stabilize myself when i feel it setting in...

i don't know what you mean by fighting it?? and your levels... were you speaking of adjusting your meds to fight it??

No... I'm sorry. I wasn't making sense. When I said levels.. I meant exactly how elevated I was. So my elevation level. I am really new to monitoring that and I am finding it really hard! I am worried about knowing because I have this mood chart and I really don't want to fill it out wrong. I don't even want to call it mania because it is not bad enough to land me in a hospital or anything, so i don't want to give people the wrong idea. It really scares me. When i feel the "adrenaline rush" feeling I really do try and calm myself down, hence fighting it. Since it always starts with the adrenaline feeling, I guess fighting it would be to fight that feeling. I know there is no actual way to stop it, but like I said, it's terrifying to me to not have control. At least full control. So I thought, maybe I'm not the only one that feels like this. Sorry to confuse you.

[touchingsaturn]

there is no "right" way to fill out a mood chart.. just like there is no "right" way to journal through depression ... and the expertise in monitoring your mental states & changes comes in time... i'm 32... i've been bipolar most of my life & it took quite some time to develop a keen self-awareness that allows me to now recognize & i guess categorize what i'm going through... which helps me process & in turn deal with it.. sometimes i still have to "step out of myself" to figure out what the heck is going on with my brain/emotions/moods so that i'll know how to handle it..

don't worry so much right now about what label to put on the emotions you're feeling.. whether you call it mania or superhyperdom, or some other term that makes you more comfortable... all that matters is what you're actually experiencing & how it's affecting your life...

as for trying to fight it.. i think that's natural.. when i feel mania or hypomania creeping in on me, i have some go-to's that i scramble for to prevent a full blown attack of mania... i know it might sound cheesy, but working out when you feel that extra surge may help release some of the build up, or re-channel the energy.. chamomile tea (or something similar) may also prove useful in easing the tension that builds in your body as your elevations set in on you... as odd as it sounds, sometimes even just eating will kind of slow my escalation... i have no idea why.. also, i have recently found a medication that is intended for use for anti-anxiety.. but i actually use it when i feel the cycling starting... tends to stop it in its tracks... well, at least 50% of the time... keeps me from getting any higher up...

i hope some of those suggestions help at least a little bit...

[dragonfly2]

I have to echo touchingsaturn here - there is no "right" way to do this.

Mood charting can be especially personalized. For example, I have BP I and my daughter most likely has BP II. I've never seen her manic, only hypomanic (and definitely depressed). So, for her mania rating scale, I've put it in terms of hypomania - if someday she does swing into full-blown mania, then we'll call that an 11 on a scale of 1-10 and make the adjustments to a more BP I type scale. My mania rating scale is more your classic mania where the lower numbers are hypomania and the upper end of the scale is full mania.

Does that make sense? I don't mean to make it more confusing.

[BipolaRNurse]

I loved my hypomanic episodes until they turned on me.

It used to be that I'd go on an upswing and feel like I had the world by the tail. I was happy, laughing, full of confidence.....nothing bothered me. This last time, however, I had extreme irritability, agitation, sudden rages, got paranoid and anxious, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and didn't give a $#!+. I'd thought I was merely depressed, but this didn't feel like depression ever has before......it was only after I'd gotten myself into trouble with some longtime associates and almost been banned from the group that I realized this was something different.

Long story short, I almost wound up in the hospital after a breakdown of sorts, and my pdoc diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. After doing a lot of research and getting a little more stabilized, I realized that a lot of my super-happy, "up" moods and hyperactivity was actually hypomania and that I've probably been bipolar for most of my life. This latest episode was a "mixed" episode that featured my first taste of what REAL mania is like, and I hope to Heaven I never have another. It was awful. So if someone asks me if I'm scared of mania, I have to say "Oh HELL yes!!"

I fear mania, yes it terrifies me. Everytime I get manic it's a dysphoric mania.. Mixed mood. Psychosis is always present during mania for me as well. So I've learned through my experience that this is not a good place for me to be. I used to not fear it as much, but over the years it has gotten worse, my first thoughts are usually.. How am in not going to end up in the hospital.

I wouldnt say run with it, but also not to fear it to the extreme, creating a lot of anxiety or agitation is going to make things worse. Just like depression it wil also pass. As long as you know your danger signs and what to do when it happens, like contacting your pdoc, therapist and keeping yourself from going to far, then try not to let it overwhelm you too much.

I really, really really appreciate hearing about all of you. I came on today to clarify what I had said, but I feel like somehow you understood what I was saying. I shouldn't be posting right now and after this I will wait. I was going to clarify and share last night. How I was almost yelling in the driveway while talking with my wife. How I was bouncing around and talking so stupid like. I did not have anxiety last night. Without that I did not realize I was doing that. I made myself lay down and had to listen to my wife cry... saying I went away again. But I didn't!!! I was right there!!! I was right there and she couldn't see me! and she cried and I wanted to hug her and show her I did not leave. But I couldn't! How f'ing stupid is that! I really really could not understand. All the emotions I felt before, they were different. Everything was. I shut off. I shut off and we did not fight. All I could do is watch everyone reacting around me. I feel cursed. I really do. I feel cursed to hurt everyone that I love. No matter what I do. I am sorry to sound this way. I will wait to post anything more. I read in another thread about not posting when feeling this way. I will listen to that now.

It's ok to post when yor feeling crappy and messed up, that's usually when we need to post most no? Unless your gonna be mean to people here then don't worry about that ok.

I totally got what you just said, with your wife. Been there sooo many times with my bf. I just cannot freaking see it when it's happening. Do you have a therapist?

You know, I've been working on this for many years and I still cannot see it happening when it is. I might be reading you wrong, but I think that's what you are talking about?

[Trippin2.0]

You're ALLOWED to post when feeling crappy, we're here to support you.
.
What we recommend is not posting if you're more likely to textually attack an unsuspecting member.
.
Please keep us posted sorry you're feeling bad.

Yes Anika, that is what I am talking about. By the time I realize it, it's always too late. But really, what does it matter? It will happen anyways. Karen (my wife) says to go with it. Really??? I would have had the radio blasting and been on the computer and been really loud while everyone was sleeping if I just "went with it". Karen also said on the phone a few minutes ago she thinks my brain shuts off under too much stress. Adult ADD. My other diagnosis. to answer the other question... I have a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a therapy group. the therapy group is anger management and is court ordered, but it is still a resource I just started using for this. I yelled at my neighbor. That was enough to get anger management. I really made my psychologist and psychiatrist work for my diagnosis. I fought them on it. I told them they would have to prove it to me. That sounds so stupid now. But it was so important to me for them to be sure. I am having acceptance issues about all of this.

I'm sorry. I just need to get my head straight. I didn't mean to dump this on you. I don't let myself feel good and I don't let myself feel bad. That is my problem and it's really hard to stop now. I am 33 and been this way since I was a kid. I have issues knowing how I really feel because I try to change it soooo much. I just need to get my head straight. Thank you for listening. I'm not going to drag this out. I'll feel better later. I just need to wait until the dose of mood stabalizers gets to the higher dose. I just started them. I'll feel better later. Then I won't be like this. I'm going to work now.

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I really, really really appreciate hearing about all of you. I came on today to clarify what I had said, but I feel like somehow you understood what I was saying. I shouldn't be posting right now and after this I will wait. I was going to clarify and share last night. How I was almost yelling in the driveway while talking with my wife. How I was bouncing around and talking so stupid like. I did not have anxiety last night. Without that I did not realize I was doing that. I made myself lay down and had to listen to my wife cry... saying I went away again. But I didn't!!! I was right there!!! I was right there and she couldn't see me! and she cried and I wanted to hug her and show her I did not leave. But I couldn't! How f'ing stupid is that! I really really could not understand. All the emotions I felt before, they were different. Everything was. I shut off. I shut off and we did not fight. All I could do is watch everyone reacting around me. I feel cursed. I really do. I feel cursed to hurt everyone that I love. No matter what I do. I am sorry to sound this way. I will wait to post anything more. I read in another thread about not posting when feeling this way. I will listen to that now.

Oh Sweetie, it's ok. I understand how you feel. I really honestly do Watching people's reaction to my meltdowns or whatever you want to call it. It's literally like I'm having an out of body experience and watching everyone's faces in slow motion as they react to me reacting. I shut down too. Completely. The people that we love, sometimes they don't realize that we hurt worse than them at times. What I mean is, when you react, and you do what you do and say what you say, after the fact, after you've calmed down and gotten out of that state, it hits you all at once. And you feel like s***. Less than. Horrible. When you see your family's reaction and how they feel about what once done. It is heart breaking. It will be ok. Talk to her.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Thanks for sharing your concerns, Dan. I hope your meds work well for you and that you find an optimum solution quickly. Getting thrown around by mania and a volatile temperament is no fun.

TS

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

Yes Anika, that is what I am talking about. By the time I realize it, it's always too late. But really, what does it matter? It will happen anyways. Karen (my wife) says to go with it. Really??? I would have had the radio blasting and been on the computer and been really loud while everyone was sleeping if I just "went with it". Karen also said on the phone a few minutes ago she thinks my brain shuts off under too much stress. Adult ADD. My other diagnosis. to answer the other question... I have a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a therapy group. the therapy group is anger management and is court ordered, but it is still a resource I just started using for this. I yelled at my neighbor. That was enough to get anger management. I really made my psychologist and psychiatrist work for my diagnosis. I fought them on it. I told them they would have to prove it to me. That sounds so stupid now. But it was so important to me for them to be sure. I am having acceptance issues about all of this.

It's hard to describe what exactly is going through your head, like Anika said, when it's happening. But, like others, a lot of times I can't stop it. And it sucks. Once I start, I can't stop. Ya'll about to start making me cry up in here. lol.

What usually happens to me is I *think* I am being rational. Usually I am not, it is like an out of body experience, Irreplaceable... That's a very good description. It shatters my reality. Sometimes when it starts to click that I have just lost touch, I can't do anything except shake or rock myself back and forth. It's shattering to me. I hate hurtin those who I love, I feel ashamed that I'm not in control or that I'm that out of it. But you know what, the people I love understand this. My bf understands and sticks by my side. It sounds like your wife is loving and she is trying to understand too. We're lucky for that.

Not only is my reality shattered after but so is my ego self.

[touchingsaturn]

Originally Posted by Anika

It's ok to post when yor feeling crappy and messed up, that's usually when we need to post most no? Unless your gonna be mean to people here then don't worry about that ok.

I totally got what you just said...

You need to feel safe enough here to be honest about what you're going through - you don't have to go through it alone... we've all been there, in some manner or fashion... and while we're all coming from different circumstances and situations, a lot of us can find common ground with one another in the struggles that face us...

I completely agree with Anika... the times when you're feeling worst is often when you most need to reach out and connect... and particularly, if dealing with this illness is somewhat new to you (which it may always be, given that at different stages in life, bipolar can present/manifest differently)... then you definitely need to know that we, as a community, are here for you... the people that want to help you through what you're dealing with are not going to run away or be offended when you vent your frustrations or express your inner angst... and the people that aren't interested in reaching out to help you will just browse on to another post...

share what you need to, when you need to.. and trust that the right people will find your posts and be willing to relate and share their knowledge & life experience to help you live with bipolar... we all have the same goal, to thrive instead of just surviving... and to some extent, by joining this board, we're in this together...

[touchingsaturn]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I'm sorry. I just need to get my head straight. I didn't mean to dump this on you. I don't let myself feel good and I don't let myself feel bad. That is my problem and it's really hard to stop now. I am 33 and been this way since I was a kid. I have issues knowing how I really feel because I try to change it soooo much. I just need to get my head straight. Thank you for listening. I'm not going to drag this out. I'll feel better later. I just need to wait until the dose of mood stabalizers gets to the higher dose. I just started them. I'll feel better later. Then I won't be like this. I'm going to work now.

sometimes talking/typing through it is crucial to help you get on the path to getting your head straight... you aren't dumping on anyone.. anybody reading these posts is reading them voluntarily... because we get it. and because despite the fact that we're strangers in real life, we actually care about each other in a community sense.. for the record, i'm 32, and have been this way since i was a kid... my self-awareness has grown over the years & so now i can sense subtle changes building in me to the point that i know when to... warn others, or keep more to myself until the irritability passes... you're not dragging anything out & you certainly don't need to apologize for how you feel or sharing how you feel... i think we all rely on this board for that... being able to come here and let it out, knowing someone out there will actually "get" what we're feeling...

[bowhunt72]

Just had what I think was my first real manic episode, although looking back I can see what were probably numerous episodes of hypomania in the past. I left my wife and kids and moved out to live with another woman in a matter of a couple weeks. Huge crash at the end back into serious depression. My wife tried to tell me at the time that I was manic, but I wouldn't listen. So yeah, mania scares the hell out of me. I wrecked my marriage and family this time, what the hell might I do next time? Hope I can recognize it coming before something really bad happens.

[tnlibrarian]

When I start feeling mania setting in I immediately start myself on a regiment of Ativan and getting more sleep. It scares me because I know it could land me in the hospital and I start yelling at my kids a lot. Not saying or doing anything abusive but still---being constantly yelled at is not good for anyone. I also worry about the depression that often follows. I don't want to get suicidal again.

[touchingsaturn]

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

Just had what I think was my first real manic episode, although looking back I can see what were probably numerous episodes of hypomania in the past. I left my wife and kids and moved out to live with another woman in a matter of a couple weeks. Huge crash at the end back into serious depression. My wife tried to tell me at the time that I was manic, but I wouldn't listen. So yeah, mania scares the hell out of me. I wrecked my marriage and family this time, what the hell might I do next time? Hope I can recognize it coming before something really bad happens.

your level of self-awareness will only increase as you learn to live with the diagnosis... and don't worry, none of us listen the first ... thousand times... we're told by someone on the outside "you're manic"... we've all made mistakes and broken relationships... all you can do is get up again the next day & do the best with it that you can... learn from your past mistakes and expect that you will make more in the future...

next time your moods swing, see if you notice any physiological cues that go along with the mental shift... in the future, you may notice that your body will let you know when you're getting ready to cycle up or down...

in an effort to not be obscure i will give an example... for me, i really feel it in my muscles.. a wound up tension beyond words building when mania or hypomania is coming.. and a deep heaviness about myself when depression is starting to take hold... being tuned in to those cues usually gives me enough of a "heads up" to brace myself... and those around me... for the swing that's coming..

granted, i may not be able to stop the swing, but i usually do what i can to temper its effects & limit how far i swing in one direction or the other.. and because i'm more self-aware when it's happening, i'm better able to monitor what i'm saying/doing & how it's affecting those closest to me...

don't lose hope... there are tools that can help you manage your bipolar disorder and live without a constant fear of the next mood swing (and its consequences)... just takes time to learn how to best interpret & respond to the changes in your brain chemistry...

[Chihuahua]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You're ALLOWED to post when feeling crappy, we're here to support you.
.
What we recommend is not posting if you're more likely to textually attack an unsuspecting member.
.
Please keep us posted sorry you're feeling bad.

SO posting when I'm up or down (not attack mode) I't makes me feel better when at 2 in the morning u reflect on your day and see what an a.. You've been and what u called/ told u'r husband or child. It was horrifying at first when I realised what I actually said to my 4 year old and how I behaved and then because I felt guilty I would comfort her, no wonder she is confused and has starting biting her nails ( I am better now and her behaviour has improved ) the nail bite thing stills continues - any advice????

Thank you everybody. I really thought I was different. I appreciate you!

[touchingsaturn]

what i gather from what we've all posted here is that you're encouraged to post whenever you need to - up or down, good or bad - as long as you're not attacking others in your posts...

if it's 2 a.m. and you're looking back on a day that went horribly awry because of volatile mood swings, come here and talk to us... it might not "fix" things, but talking through it will help... and with the large community that gathers here, you may find many others who have had (or are currently going through) similar experiences... because you're talking to and venting with people who've been there, done that, you'll also get real advice that's been tried and tested by the rest of us on how to best manage your illness along with approaches for attempting to repair damage done to relationships & overall generally helpful suggestions for having a better and hopefully more balanced life...

don't give up & don't be afraid to share what you're dealing with... we're all here for you we might not respond immediately... but most everyone here just wants to be able to lean on each other & have other people who "get it"... because sometimes that makes all the difference in the world

@Chihuahua: as far as your daughter's nail biting... that's how a lot of the world deals with stress.. keep an eye on her & try to be as supportive as you can ... and if she starts to exhibit other signs of stress, don't be afraid to seek out professional help... family therapy isn't the worst thing in the world & sometimes trained pros can get through to little kids & help them express themselves better than the rest of us... just let her know that it's ok to share how she's feeling & that when she's not ok, for whatever reason, you're there ... there's only so much you can say to a 4 yr. old because their mental capacity is limited still... best advice... lots of hugs & smiles whenever you can

[Irreplaceable]

Originally Posted by Chihuahua

SO posting when I'm up or down (not attack mode) I't makes me feel better when at 2 in the morning u reflect on your day and see what an a.. You've been and what u called/ told u'r husband or child. It was horrifying at first when I realised what I actually said to my 4 year old and how I behaved and then because I felt guilty I would comfort her, no wonder she is confused and has starting biting her nails ( I am better now and her behaviour has improved ) the nail bite thing stills continues - any advice????

Chihuahua, I believe you created a thread about your kids. I don't know where you are in your self awareness journey so please don't be offended if what i tell you is something you already know. When you feel yourself getting angry or a meltdown coming, try to walk away. I know that when you have kids it's hard to not do things in front of them. Just try to notice more when you are getting to that point and restrain yourself as much as you can. This can be scary for a 4 yr old which I'm sure you already know. I feel guilt, unbareable guilt after I blow up in front of my daughter. She is 6. There have been a few times that I have sat her down and tried to explain in a way that she understands, that what I do is wrong and I'm sick. I explain to her that she should not act that way when she doesn't get her way or gets upset, and neither should I. When she gets older we will continue to have this talk so that she understands as much as humanly possible that some of the things I do and say, at times I can't control it. Right now I'm not on meds, but my daughter is enough to make me want them.

My dad has PTSD and I believe he is also bipolar. He has meltdowns that you wouldn't believe. Talks about killing everyone in the house and himself. He has literally attacked people in public. Example, in a fit of rage road on one of his off days, he punched a guy. We always saw him get violent and hurt people. The look on his face when he "goes there" is that of a man that looks insane literally. As a child this frighetened me. Can you imagine being a kid and see your parent, who you adore, act like that? The s*** scared me so much I would pee on myself when he would go into attack mode and attack everyone, including me. I keep that forever logged in my head. He will sit there and laugh when he tells stories about that to other people.

Try to stop yourself and leave the house when you feel it coming. There are times that I just left the house to "cool down" and return when I feel better. I know we can't always stop ourselves...Just try to stop yourself. I can notice when I'm getting to that point. When I feel it coming, I leave. Sometimes. I'm trying to get to most times.