in terms of sexual attractiveness, just how horrible is it to be fat?

85/52, wow! in college I went to a blood drive, where I measured 90/60, and they laughed and OFFERED me some! I have been eating lightly during the extreme heat wave, but I believe that is a natural response, and hopefully one that is not going to rebound on me. I am trying to stay steady on protein and good fats and some carbs. with a "normal" eating day about once a week.

There is a blood drive at my work and that is one reason I do not give blood. The other reason: I have lowish hemoglobin.

Boy, I could not wait to get to the keyboard to post! To get it all out! I am fed up with him. I want him out of my life. I will wait for the man described by Anika. I am not desperate. I want to auto-delete his emails in GMAIL and block him on Skype. He is so insensitive, it is unbelievable. I do not know how he works his job. And he was so compassionate when I was depressed, where did it all go. But I cannot block him. When my mother was dying in a hospice, he would come treat her and talk to her and he deliberately gave he AD (Lexapro? not sure) to keep her euphoric, and she went in a euphoric state. I was in the States, I could not leave at the time. So not the person to dispose of that easily. Plus, he is a poet (he self-identifies as a poet more than as a p-doc) and has published (not self-published - really published) a book of verse and there are more dedications to me than to any other lady. But it does not mean he can treat me like **** NOW!

This is what happened. I wrote: "I have no time to write in our language now, so here is my post from yesterday, the part in bold is why I am upset, read it and let me know if there are English words that you do not understand.

"You may never be thin again"

That is what my endocrinologist said. Firmly. "It may be time to accept the new you". I feel numb. At any rate, will post at length later, she said some interesting things, now will go fill her prescription for Metformin, which promises a modest weight loss.
************

And that is what shocked my doctor: my blood sugar level is 71 out of the normal range 70-100, borderline LOW! This was bloodwork done at another clinic. The doctor stared at me in utter disbelief and even said "maybe the test was wrong" - and started looking at historical readings from bloodwork done at her clinic. Not as low, but still on the low side. She asked me about the diet. I said I eat about 1800 calories; she nodded. She asked about carbohydrates. I said I do not eat pasta or rice, but I do eat rye bread. She asked how much. I said one-two pieces, and it is whole-rye unprocessed German bread (here (http://www.amazon.com/Mestemacher-Wh...s=mestermacher)). She nodded with approval. I said that I sometimes eat oatmeal, it is a carbohydrate, but not every day. She nodded again. She asked about exercise. I said that I walk briskly for 45-60 mins a day, sometimes more. She wondered. She asked about genetics. I said "Two out of four grandparents were obese with diabetes". She confirmed that that is one of my problems. Another one is psychoactive drugs - I cannot shake off what I gained on Olanzapine. But the third problem is really sad, because it has nothing to do with genetics, it is something I caused myself - I had an eating disorder in my youth, trying to get thinner than I already was, prompted by my father and his friends and I experimented with all sorts of sickening stuff, such as fasting, rawfoodism, cleansing enemas, and what not. So the doctor explained that people who go through this once then have bodies that hold on to every calorie and it is REALLY difficult to lose anything. You'd think that I would be mad at my father in retrospect, but no, I am numb.

She told me some reasonably encouraging things though. Use elliptical for higher intensity if walking does not provide enough and do not eat fruit alone (I love fruit snacks) - always add protein or fat to avoid sugar spikes. So I have learned something. And she DID prescribe Metformin, just a low dose - lower than she would have prescribed to someone who is pre-diabetic. She was so shocked at the apparent "it does not compute" between my numbers (I also have below normal cholesterol) that I would not be surprised if I am her first patient for whom she prescribed Metformin despite borderline low sugar.

I skimmed online info on Metformin and it promises "modest" weight loss. She said "a few pounds". It is not going to take me from size 14-16 back to 6-8 (and at 6-8 I was unhappy and wishing to lose more).

I will give Metformin a month without changing anything, will continue walking for 45-60 mins to avoid confounding effects - I want to really see what it does. But after that, I will get a bike and start biking to work. Google Maps shows 1 hour for the round trip, but I do not think that, at least in the beginning, I will bike at the average speed assumed by Google Maps, so it will probably be 1 hr 20 mins. That is a lot of exercise. And we will see it it helps. But she is a wise woman, she told me to not get frustrated and continue doing the diet and exercise thing even if I do not lose anything."

So what do you think he said in his reply? I shared my disappointment with him - how did he respond? Take a wild guess!

I reached out to my former teacher with whom I am very friendly and who is supportive, for help. She knows him fairly well. I told her that something probably funny but hurtful to me happened, and I now want nothing to do with him. I do not want him to come. But I am afraid that I am being impulsive and will later regret, so I want to send her a draft so that she would edit it from the standpoint of a cool reasonable person. Then I followed up with "You know, I treated him like **** when I was young, maybe what I should say is not "do not come" but "I would have not wanted you to come except for feeling obligated given how I mistreated you in the past". And told about the hospice thing, too. And that I would have to give her context (she does not know about the sex part), and that all of this would take time and I am not sure she has it - she is usually really busy. So we will see how she replies.

And to him, I sent the following email which I expect to hurt his feelings: "Besides elliptical for you, my ex also recommends therapy for your hatred of your body for its refusal to burn fuel the way it used to, and for masochism that stems from this hatred and manifests itself in abstaining from food. He knows N., who is one of the best therapists in your city. She uses the Gestalt method. And like you N. chain-smokes, so ex thinks you would work well together. She has too long of a waitlist, but if you want it, ex will place you at the top of the list. Ex also suggests that you visit your GP and tell him or her your theory of skipping lunch and inquire from him or her what the short- and long-term consequences would be for you if you insist on putting this theory into practice. Our 14 year old is also wondering about your muscles and how you will deal with young ladies (she knows that you are divorcing and are not engaged in physical exercise) - she says that young ladies like muscles and she probably knows best. So as you see, everyone is worried about you." This was all about his preference for skipping lunch and not engaging in exercise.

Hello Hamster,

U R too intelligent to be letting this doc guy get under your skin. He has his beliefs, which sound odd, and is unlikely to change them, despite sound scientific evidence. All you can say is that you tried! Pity the fool................

Yes, I can probably say that I tried but did not succeed despite bringing scientific evidence to bear, which shows that his beliefs are delusional, and recommend that he try Zyprexa because of its excellent record in fighting delusional ideation.

I am actually serious.

Now 91/60, which is already considered normal, but my RBC count is borderline low, so GP said NOT to give blood.

D. continues to maintain that he will lose belly fat through starvation and that it is safe for a fat person to skip lunch, it is only unsafe for a thin person to skip lunch. And, that body would not waste muscle tissue when there is stored fat. And, that skipping lunch clears his head for more productive work. I wanted to say that only antipsychotics can clear his head, because his belief is delusional and he resists scientific evidence contrary to his belief. But I decided to wait. I will wait a year and when he cannot show results, and he won't show results because starvation is not going to give him good muscles, I will make my sarcastic remark.

not that I am one to talk, but he may think he is staying slim if he just goes by the scale. but with a sedentary job and aging, he is naturally losing muscle and getting fatter, so the scale may remain the same while his body composition worsens. but he still has the desired and envied appendage.

His appendage is more than OK, but I do not envy it. What I would like to have is working sexual organs myself. Just back to my normal self would be nice.

I like fat guys. I find them way more sexually attractive than skinny guys. I am a pretty strong girl so I don't want a guy I have to worry about breaking.

20% fat is the daily allowance based off of a 2000 calorie diet. The thing is to pick healthy fats like olive oil, nuts/seeds, avocado and not unhealthy fats like butter or margarine.

I'm with you! I slept last night and I'm not cranky today

I sat here reading all this, I was appalled at him. Would have thrown him in the first dumpster I could find!

I am not a skinny miny either. When I married my husband I weighed 60 pounds more than I do now. Yep! The highest weight I ever was. We've got our issues.

I didn't starve myself. Just ate smaller portions and walked and it took a long time to lose it. But the point is this......it shouldn't matter what size you are if someone loves you.

Nobody deserves to be treated/talked to like that. You just haven't found the right one yet.

This is lovely. There are a lot of fat guys at my work - I wish I could send them your way .

Yes, the bold part is the main point, I think. As for treatment, you might have skimmed it but I mistreated (wounded) him in the past so I am tolerant where I otherwise would not have been tolerant.

Weight is not the only thing that is bothering me. Let me fess up. I am also self-conscious because of my breasts. In clothing, I look wonderful, thanks to expensive bras from Nordstrom (American upscale retail chain where they measure you and find an appropriate bra model). But not naked. Large saggy breasts, American size E-F. I guess you can call them womanly - they have nursed three children to the children's delight - but in the culture that values perkiness, I am upset. And they are too saggy for my age - at Nordstrom the shop assistant had trouble finding a bra for me because, in her words, I am "too shallow on top". My mother had a radical mastectomy being only a few years older than I am now, so part of me is deeply happy I have a full pair of breasts, but part of me is sad. I am particularly sad because I did it to myself - I had exceptionally good breast shape and I ruined it by going through massive weight fluctuations, losing and gaining tens of pounds. Women with stable weight retain their shape better.

I was crying about it and I confessed to my teacher, who knows D. She said that it is not important at all. She said that something has happened, something has clouded D.'s mind if he pays attention to his belly and my mind if I mourn the loss of my breast shape. She said she does not even remember what her breast shape used to be. The thing is, I also do not remember except that it was very good and commanded male attention big time.

It would be nice to find a man for whom these things are truly unimportant. Do they exist?

There, I've said it .

I have had saggy breasts since the day I got them and having two children and nursing both didn't help. My breasts are embarrassing to me, but my fiance loves them. I think he's crazy, but he found me attractive even after having our daughter when I was pushing 300. I've since lost almost 70 lb and I now weigh less than when we met, though I'm still obese. I've always been attracted to fat guys as well. I love that my fiance is bigger than me. It makes me feel more feminine.

It is very nice to hear! I have nursed for 8 years total, so I can see where you are coming from!

An update: he called me on Skype in the morning when I was fresh from the shower, naked. Now I must explain that I believe that sitting is detrimental to one's health (from causing obesity to shortening life-spans) so I either stand (at work, have a standing desk, or in public transit) or stay on the floor on my tummy in front of the computer, on the carpeting. I only sit when I eat at a cafe. At home, I eat standing or walking around the kitchen. It might sound a little crazy, but look up research on prolonged sitting and you will see where I am coming from.

So he catches me naked on Skype. And I think - what the heck? So I take the call, shoulders and top halves of the breasts (sans nipples ) showing. And he says that I look resplendent!

So now I am resplendent despite saftig shoulders. Go figure!

He started telling me how difficult the thought of divorce is because when he was getting married, he was not thinking of getting divorced. I completely understand that. So I wrote to him: "It seems to me that you miss L. (soon-to-be-ex-wife); that it is hard on you." He replied with: "I miss L. just a little bit; that is unimportant. There are a whole lot of other things. And "missing" is not quite the word; there are a lot of feelings on a lot of subjects; all in all, time to write poetry." To which I replied "Yes, it seems time to write poetry".

On the silly front, continue being caught half-naked on camera to good reception. Find it amusing and enjoying it.

my ex i was with for 5 years was overweight. significantly apparently. it's weird cause i never thought he was THAT over weight, but turns out he was. his weight did not matter to me, although, however i'm strict about my OWN weight. like it's almost obsessive now... ugh

anywho, off topic. sorry. i honestly think that if your weight/size bothered him, he would've let you know or at least dropped some hints. cause all in all, guys are all simple minded... right?

At the grocery store today I saw a really massive couple. Both - really heavy. They were buying relatively healthy foods. They were really happy, laughing loudly. I guess that is one solution: a heavy partner. But my problem is, I do not like heavy men... I hope my p-doc will prescribe Topomax for me on Thursday, and I further hope that Tomopax will not make me totally stupid...

Hamster-what is Topomax. I keep seeing people taking it.