[Anika.]

I can't do it. I don't know why. I thought I was gonna get better, I felt better, for like a day. I have felt like absolute **** for about a month or so, maybe longer. I am in some serious denial here.

I just can't do it. I am soo done with this, I am so over feeling depressed, I do not want it in my life. There isn't room for it, I don't have time for it, I have zero interest in this. I have no heart room left for any of it.

I have spent almost all 33 years of my life fighting. I am just tired, I am so so tired. I got no fight left. So admitting it means a fight to me.

No fight and no failing left.

Anyone else do this? I don't even know why I am talking about this. For this first time ever, I don't even feel like I want to talk about anything. I don't want to exist, or not exist. There is nothing in between to go to, doesn't leave a lot of room.

I am really confused. I don't really expect anyone to reply. I just need to do something with this. Write I guess. For days I have been going over this in my head. And my head is capable of some pretty weird stuff. But lately it's just been too weird even for me, it's getting really confusing.

[venusss]

Anika... what is going on?

[Anika.]

I don't really know Venus. Just trying to figure it out.

Feels like if I can't admit I am depressed, and I can't change it or make it better, I am just sitting in this weird limbo place. I can't go back to meds, like I really can't do it. I can't ask for help, cause no one can really help.

I just don't feel like I have the energy to be depressed, or feel it. I don't really have words to explain it... Know I am really depressed, but refusing to feel it, and I don't know what I am feeling, just a jumbled up mess of mutilated feelings. Like if your feelings and emotions split, or fragmented on you feel the sharp tips of them all at once, but can't make sense of any of them.

Oh brother. .I need something to just shut my brain down for a while.

[sugahorse1]

Why are meds and help not an option?

I'm in a depressive phase, and on a day like today I'll deny it, cos I feel well. But I know it'll only hang around so long - so, I hear you.

But I take meds, and have recently started therapy again.
I would love of be able to chat to and help you - it sounds like a dark place you are in

[venusss]

Can you find some non-verbal way to express yourself to get it out?

Thing is... I get that "nobody can help" and I kinda do believe it. So... how can I lecture you on that? But maybe some alternative help, since the "system" failed you? Spirituality focused?

[LiveThroughThis]

You bring up an interesting topic, Anika. It's not something I've "taken apart" and thought about. But I know what you mean. I do that with depression, I do it when I'm in a good place, "Oh I can't admit I'm doing well cause then the other shoe will drop."

Lots of times I'll be anxious for days and not know it. It's hard for me to tell the difference in a lapse in a long mood, and lots of simple up and downs.

I've been in the in-between places too. I cannot count how many times I've said, "I don't necesssarily want my life to end, but this is NOT a life." At the moment I'm in a really weird place--haven't talked to my therapist in a couple of weeks--and i'm having a tough time mulling through my emotions.

Often i think, "If I'm not depressed/suicidal, I'm anxious, or my obsessions/compulsions are taking over, or I'm irritable as hell....like, what is this? Is this going to be forever? Just cycle cycle cycle?"

I doubt any of that helped; just wanted you to know I understand the place you're in, and it bites big time.

[Trippin2.0]

Yikes!I know what you mean! Complete refusal to admit even to yourself cos then you have to make room for it, deal with it. And ugh, there just ISN'T space for it! Problem is, denial leads to build-up, build- up leads to unravelling, which leads to hair ripping! What do I do? Loud music, preferably something that makes me cry and scream. I run, try and scrub it off, cos that physical release helps so much more than trying to make sense or fight it... I feel for you Anika hope you feel better real soon

The desperate moment when you realize that depression may be coming or that it is here. Desperate feelings where you would rather not exist than go through it again. I understand that part of it. I rationalize and justify too. It's okay sometimes to do that.

I think of it like, I put everything I had.. more than I had into feeling 'not depressed' and I barely made it through, barely made it. And when my emotions and moods shifted again, I could accept it cuz it was irritable and hypo. But I can do irritable and hypo. But then when they shifted again and I felt the first twinge of depression, I freak out! I barely made it through last time! I can't do this! AAHHHH!

That is how it goes for me. Your post sounds a lot the same way, I totally relate. I can't take away the impending doom, but I will tell you that you are not alone! You are not out of your mind for posting this and you are understood.

[faerie_moon_x]

Do you have a T? I have found that sometimes talk therapy can jar me out of depression just enough to get by.

I don't ever deny I'm depressed, I just don't admit it outloud. I will tell myself but not anyone around me.

[Confusedinomicon]

I have had times where I felt depressed for a long period of time and I don't understand why. I have stopped feeling suicidal, and don't associate with the negative side of depression. However, I get physical symptoms and everything makes me cry.

I typically don't get med changes either because I don't want to get in the trap of taking more and never going back down in dosages. Normally it is something I go though as a passenger in my own body. I experience some disassociation with myself and can't identify with the behavior because I don't feel like me. It's a crap feeling.

[Anika.]

Well meds are not an option because I refuse to go down that road again. Meds always made me worse off. I would love to say I ever found any one med that helped, but they did not. Especially AD's and Ap's. Mood stabilizers didn't seem to do much either way.

And when I say I can't ask for help, well I can, but I don't see what help they can offer me. I have already been through therapy, out patient programs, done numerous therapy methods on my own. I have the skills, the tools, the know how. I know what I am supposed to do. I know what works for me and what doesn't. I have a T but we have a weird set up, which is fine by me. I reserve calling her for when I am in severe trouble, and she helps me navigate things with my pdoc. Sounds a little weird right? I have trouble talking to be pdocs and the crt staff because I feel like it is always a negotiating process, and when I am that sick I cannot negotiate on my own, so I guess at this point I would call her more of an advocate than a T.

You guys seem to get what I am saying, I don't feel desperate, well maybe in the middle of the night. Night is a bad time for me always, my senses are so heightened it's nuts.

I got a call today from my new place of employment. I start on wednesday, so I have four days to get it together, I am also sick as a dog with a terrible cold/flu. my job should not be too hard, just physical. She said I will start by deep cleaning suits in the resort and the houses. It is at the ski resort so there are a number of rental chalet type houses. That doesn't sound too bad.

I thought about it today and one good thing about this job that might improve the winter months is that it is high elevation in the mountains. I live down in the valley, the fog and cloud coverage lasts from now till march. Literally we do not see the blue of the sky or the sun at all from now till then. However when go go up to the ski resort, you are above the cloud level, it is nothing but clear blue sky, sun, and freezing cold haha. I think that could really help me get through this winter a little more unscathed than usual.

Thanks for listening to me, and trying to make sense with me, it is so much appreciated, you have no idea. Sometimes I just need to talk to get it sorted. My head just makes such a mess of things, I have a great ability to compound and complex things, not always a good thing. Anyone with bipolar who doesn't do that? haha probably not.

I'll get through it, just have to find one string to pick up, not all of them.

Part of the problem, I think.. is that I refuse to go there. As I see it, it offers me nothing, it is no longer a richer experience, the dark is not a mystery to me, it's not rewarding to me, I don't feel like I need to spend anymore time there. I have been there enough to gain what it offers. And it's a problem for sure because it isn't calculated, it has no equation.

[Anika.]

Coda

There's little in taking or giving, There's little in water or wine;
This living, this living, this living Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is the gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis, And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle, And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle ---
Would you kindly direct me to hell?
------------------------------------------------

Résumé

Razors pain you; Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give;
Gas smells awful; You might as well live.

And after reading a little Dorothy Parker.... I do feel a little better.

[plumapplepear]

I am certainly not as skilled as others at words and helping out but I will give it a try I have had many depressions and I would say I am getting better at handling the effects. Allowing yourself to explore the darkness only pulls you further in I believe you need to speak positive things about yourself even if you do not believe it repetition of anything will seep into your mind if you are not in total deep depression exercise in any form helps I have been one year in this one and exercise has pulled me through the hardest parts I do get out around other people just to be around others sounds strange but it stops the darkness cycle for awhile

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by plumapplepear

I am certainly not as skilled as others at words and helping out but I will give it a try I have had many depressions and I would say I am getting better at handling the effects. Allowing yourself to explore the darkness only pulls you further in I believe you need to speak positive things about yourself even if you do not believe it repetition of anything will seep into your mind if you are not in total deep depression exercise in any form helps I have been one year in this one and exercise has pulled me through the hardest parts I do get out around other people just to be around others sounds strange but it stops the darkness cycle for awhile

Thank you, yes I agree.. exploring the darkness only pulls you in further. It's a bit of trickery, because there isn't that much gainful to find there, not after it's been explored enough. I do think there is stuff to learn there, but I don't think that it continually needs to be repeated. I don't think it is as seductive as it tries to appear. Besides that I can't see in the dark.

I am pretty physically active, I usually do yoga daily for 90 min, I also do other activities too, but I am lagging a bit right now. I can try to ramp that up, with the flu I am not feeling very up to anything, hopefully this passes quickly and I can put more effort in. Usually this does help me a lot.

I notice that when I am depressed I just need to find one thing, something that gives me something to look forward too and run with it. Ya it's not always that easy. I am searching for that one thing right now. My usual standby's are not working atm.

I think that Coda poem makes me feel better because I do not really agree with Dorothy, but sometimes it helps to read something like that and be able to recognize the pain and some of the untruths. Little in water? only life needs water, it sustains us.. depression tho ya might say there is little in water, little in living.

[Confusedinomicon]

It helps to feel some pain and acknowledge its there without indulging in it.

Do you still paint? That could help.

I think this is seasonal depression so increasing vitamin d/c may help. That could be why the exercise is not helping to its full extent. Also having a flu/cold will make you feel bad. Ive never felt good about myself when I have waterfalls of snot + a bad cough.

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by Anika.

And when I say I can't ask for help, well I can, but I don't see what help they can offer me. I have already been through therapy, out patient programs, done numerous therapy methods on my own. I have the skills, the tools, the know how. I know what I am supposed to do. I know what works for me and what doesn't. I have a T but we have a weird set up, which is fine by me. I reserve calling her for when I am in severe trouble, and she helps me navigate things with my pdoc. Sounds a little weird right? I have trouble talking to be pdocs and the crt staff because I feel like it is always a negotiating process, and when I am that sick I cannot negotiate on my own, so I guess at this point I would call her more of an advocate than a T.

You guys seem to get what I am saying, I don't feel desperate, well maybe in the middle of the night. Night is a bad time for me always, my senses are so heightened it's nuts.

I'll get through it, just have to find one string to pick up, not all of them.

I obviously don't know your experience regarding therapy, but in my own way I get where you are. I spent two yrs in therapy as a teen, then spent 11 years in a support group--heavily active--along with tons of self-help books in my library. When I got diagnosed with all my stuff, my P-doc kept pushing me to go into therapy. I tried the Mental Health Center; I could have taught them tools to help people.

But he kept urging me, so I finally got online and randomly picked one. I knew what I wanted in a T---someone who could work with me and give me insights I wasn't already cognizant of. I decided before meeting her if I didn't get a vibe I would change. She even said, "If it turns out this isn't what you're looking for, no hard feelings, not everyone is a perfect fit for everyone." Which instantly reassured me. Six months later I'm still with her, and my only regret is not finding her sooner. She is kind, funny, sarcastic, and I'm very blunt about, "I'm not into this or that kind of tool," etc., and she respects that. It's not a one-sided thing like you see so often in movies, etc. My favorite part of the therapy is I can come in and say, "I just need to vent," and she'll simply listen. Or, I'll come in, "This is going on, I need help in figuring it out, tools, etc." and she'll offer that. It's very flexible which I think, for a Bipolar person, is probably the best, lol.

Anyway, I wanted to share my story cause I know a lot of ppl are against therapy and had bad experiences, and I certainly have. I also thought I'd learned all the cognitive tools that were out there, i,e., "I can figure it out my damn self." Just wanted to say, too, night is always the worse for me as well, which is ironic as when I'm feeling well it's my favorite time of the day. But at nite my bf is sleeping for work early am, and it's just me screaming in my head.

Good luck, Anika.

[chewbaccasMum]

I'm new here.
Don't know if i'm correct but it sounds like the op is in a mixed episode?

i am tired too. Tired of fighting... tired of being my own dr., advocate and therapist. I live in NJ and is currently probably the worst place to live in if you are on disability with medicaid/medicare for a mental illness.

i have lost so much due to this disorder. My mind.... is no longer my own. There is no greater sorrow to me than to distrust my mind and not be able to rely on the one thing, i relied on most.

i have no support. No one that really cares or can actually help. Yet i am too blind to help myself with any consistency. My condition is getting worse. I've tried every option open to me, reached out for help and though at first some person may care and try to help, they don't stick with it in the long run.

I live in a time and a place where my illness robs me of dignity and self respect. The minute this label is known, is the minute one's credibility is questioned. And yet, it was a freeing relief the day i accepted the reality of this "label", this diagnosis... the reality of this inconstant mood disorder. In the 90's we were taught to shun "labels" and to therefore avoid and neglect such critical decisions regarding our state of mind or to even acknowledge somthing was wrong. I shroud myself in shame.... not my own, but the shame placed on me thanx to the ignorant mob and thanx to my own flawed perceptions of self due to the weakness of my brain. i feel shamed not only because of stigma but because of the things i've done or not done are shameful in my eyes.

Years and years of meds....of denial, of acceptance, of hospitals, of research, of compliance, of forgetting everything, of gaining and losing, of never giving into addiction to medicate the pain away...and still...i'm not better...in fact, i am getting worse with the yrs. I just found out i have hypo thyroidism, vitamin deficiencies, and other unknown hormonal irregularities to join in on the unstable chemical maelstrom that plagues me since god knows when. The system will never care, only individuals can and they are all too few or spread too thin to be of any ultimate help... i don't have the strength to reach out anymore. i am childless, husbandless, friendless and have an unsympathetic family who can barely take care of themselves let alone help me in any way. I've tried to find family elsewhere, but that is also short lived since depression imprisons me from people and makes me an inconstant friend. Nothing at all is stable. Nothing at all. i have done all the "right" things...went to the **** hole clinics and tried to be patient with the conveyor belt system i am stuck with since Not one private dr. will accept my insurance. Ive put up with their automaton pill dispensing ways... their lies, their calloused betrayals when failing to inform me of critical side effects. If i miss just 3 appts. in one year, they drop you without a care. No follow up..no nothing but one extra reason for my depressed brain to say: "i give up".

For these last 2 yrs. i've been on super high doses of meds...some of which should never have been prescribed as i later discovered. My cycles used to happen in clear cut cycles of either hypo manias/manias or depression, but after a time, they got more mixed and jumbled...more frequent and unpredictable. Many of the shorter lived depressions started to occur during my menstrual cycles. My manias no longer gave me the physical energy they once did, i started to have non stop acne at this age----everything pointing to some hormonal craziness going on in my body combined with this mood disorder. Trying to figure out what is what...what was causing what is exhausting. The doctors keep sending me to a different "room" as though i were at the dmv and no one cares to figure this out for me and then complain when i am forced to be my own frakkin doctor. Result: after carefully and slowly weaning myself off lamictal, then effexor for the sole purpose of understanding what is causing what ... so i can start new and do blood work etc... i climb into a euphoric mania, then crash into a horrid depression. I want to trust the meds and the doctors, but i feel i can't anymore.

i'm done with everything. This is no way to live ..i don't want to live like this anymore--- it's not worth the effort. writing any of this... don't even know why i'm doing it...what's the point?

my life once held so much promise... my art, my compassion and all efforts i've made in trying to help so many who suffer seems all for naught. What i came out of... how i turned my life around was stellar once...but now ....the tragedy of it all when all that i've gained slipped away little by little.
It's all lost now and there's no going back. so many years lost and no one left to hang in there for.

My dogs are dead now. They were the only children i had left. maybe i should go and put an end to this misery. people say it's cowardly, but i find i don't have the guts to end it all. Like hamlet, i'm stuck with all this endless inaction....this endless soliloquy i can't seem to put out of my mind

[Anika.]

Thanks confused and livethroughthis,

Yup definatly could be seasonal, I have no reason to be depressed. I made a list tonight of things I have to be greatful for, and it's a lot. Sometimes I feel selfish for being depressed, and I know that is silly in itself, but I am blessed, andnit could be so much worse and has been. Maybe that is one thing, I used to have plenty of reason to be depressed, but my life now is pretty good, it's not perfect, not easy by any strech, but good. Peaceful.

I have had really good experiences with therapy, I just feel there comes a time when I have to stand on my own, it's definately not a case of thinking there is nothing left to learn. And in canada that type of therapy is not covered, unless you do out patient. My t that I have was supposed to be short term, and that was covered. I have known her for 7 years I think, she is a really good person, she helped me alot with ocd behaviours too.

I thought some more about this and I am not doing everthing I could. So I can be more mindful, remind myself that this will indeed pass, that I have much to be greatful for, and when this flu passes I can up the exersice. Oh and get taking my vitiman D, thanks for pointing that out.

I haven't painted in a while, painting makes me depressed certainly, but I could knit, and work on other stuff that doesn't draw on my emotions as much. I have no idea why painting does that.

Thanks so much for the talk and support. I really needed that. You guys are always so awesome, can't thank you enough!!!! My bf could never sit through this conversation, without going bonkers. it means a lot to me. I know I can be very wordy, and you guys are so patient.

[Confusedinomicon]

You're really helpful too, and bring a lot to the board.

<33333

Hey Anika. First,
I don't really have anything useful to add (being one who, outside of extremes, spends more time in confusion than denial), but wanted to say that this "one string" idea is a really good one! It really jumped out.
Hmmm, great ability to compound and complex? Laughed. Oh yes. Yes indeed.
And the job? It gives a nice sense of accomplishment. I used to do that very thing(!) Mostly solo with my own business (primarily second homes, but also construction), but occasionally as an independent contractor with a team at... resort condos! Who knew?!
And getting above the inversions will be nice too. It looks pretty cool from up there, like you're on an island in the clouds, you know? I'm sure you do! Lived on the other side of that for years too. You could drive 15 miles and it would be a different story. But our town? People would visit in the summer, get all excited and move. Then winter came. Whaaaa??? What's all this gray? Where did the sun go? Months of it? No way! Oh, yes way.
(Then moved to Pac NW. Like clouds much?! Lol.)

Hope your cold/flu clears up soon!

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by chewbaccasMum

I'm new here.
Don't know if i'm correct but it sounds like the op is in a mixed episode?

i am tired too. Tired of fighting... tired of being my own dr., advocate and therapist. I live in NJ and is currently probably the worst place to live in if you are on disability with medicaid/medicare for a mental illness.

i have lost so much due to this disorder. My mind.... is no longer my own. There is no greater sorrow to me than to distrust my mind and not be able to rely on the one thing, i relied on most.

i have no support. No one that really cares or can actually help. Yet i am too blind to help myself with any consistency. My condition is getting worse. I've tried every option open to me, reached out for help and though at first some person may care and try to help, they don't stick with it in the long run.

I live in a time and a place where my illness robs me of dignity and self respect. The minute this label is known, is the minute one's credibility is questioned. And yet, it was a freeing relief the day i accepted the reality of this "label", this diagnosis... the reality of this inconstant mood disorder. In the 90's we were taught to shun "labels" and to therefore avoid and neglect such critical decisions regarding our state of mind or to even acknowledge somthing was wrong. I shroud myself in shame.... not my own, but the shame placed on me thanx to the ignorant mob and thanx to my own flawed perceptions of self due to the weakness of my brain. i feel shamed not only because of stigma but because of the things i've done or not done are shameful in my eyes.

Years and years of meds....of denial, of acceptance, of hospitals, of research, of compliance, of forgetting everything, of gaining and losing, of never giving into addiction to medicate the pain away...and still...i'm not better...in fact, i am getting worse with the yrs. I just found out i have hypo thyroidism, vitamin deficiencies, and other unknown hormonal irregularities to join in on the unstable chemical maelstrom that plagues me since god knows when. The system will never care, only individuals can and they are all too few or spread too thin to be of any ultimate help... i don't have the strength to reach out anymore. i am childless, husbandless, friendless and have an unsympathetic family who can barely take care of themselves let alone help me in any way. I've tried to find family elsewhere, but that is also short lived since depression imprisons me from people and makes me an inconstant friend. Nothing at all is stable. Nothing at all. i have done all the "right" things...went to the **** hole clinics and tried to be patient with the conveyor belt system i am stuck with since Not one private dr. will accept my insurance. Ive put up with their automaton pill dispensing ways... their lies, their calloused betrayals when failing to inform me of critical side effects. If i miss just 3 appts. in one year, they drop you without a care. No follow up..no nothing but one extra reason for my depressed brain to say: "i give up".

For these last 2 yrs. i've been on super high doses of meds...some of which should never have been prescribed as i later discovered. My cycles used to happen in clear cut cycles of either hypo manias/manias or depression, but after a time, they got more mixed and jumbled...more frequent and unpredictable. Many of the shorter lived depressions started to occur during my menstrual cycles. My manias no longer gave me the physical energy they once did, i started to have non stop acne at this age----everything pointing to some hormonal craziness going on in my body combined with this mood disorder. Trying to figure out what is what...what was causing what is exhausting. The doctors keep sending me to a different "room" as though i were at the dmv and no one cares to figure this out for me and then complain when i am forced to be my own frakkin doctor. Result: after carefully and slowly weaning myself off lamictal, then effexor for the sole purpose of understanding what is causing what ... so i can start new and do blood work etc... i climb into a euphoric mania, then crash into a horrid depression. I want to trust the meds and the doctors, but i feel i can't anymore.

i'm done with everything. This is no way to live ..i don't want to live like this anymore--- it's not worth the effort. writing any of this... don't even know why i'm doing it...what's the point?

my life once held so much promise... my art, my compassion and all efforts i've made in trying to help so many who suffer seems all for naught. What i came out of... how i turned my life around was stellar once...but now ....the tragedy of it all when all that i've gained slipped away little by little.
It's all lost now and there's no going back. so many years lost and no one left to hang in there for.

My dogs are dead now. They were the only children i had left. maybe i should go and put an end to this misery. people say it's cowardly, but i find i don't have the guts to end it all. Like hamlet, i'm stuck with all this endless inaction....this endless soliloquy i can't seem to put out of my mind

I have to say, this is one of the best, most articulate, and empathetic posts I have ever seen. I appreciate your sharing this so much....because I certainly have been thru a lot of what you wrote, and I know others here have as well. Thank you for the courage to write it all. It meant a lot to me.

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by chewbaccasMum

I'm new here.
Don't know if i'm correct but it sounds like the op is in a mixed episode?

i am tired too. Tired of fighting... tired of being my own dr., advocate and therapist. I live in NJ and is currently probably the worst place to live in if you are on disability with medicaid/medicare for a mental illness.

i have lost so much due to this disorder. My mind.... is no longer my own. There is no greater sorrow to me than to distrust my mind and not be able to rely on the one thing, i relied on most.

i have no support. No one that really cares or can actually help. Yet i am too blind to help myself with any consistency. My condition is getting worse. I've tried every option open to me, reached out for help and though at first some person may care and try to help, they don't stick with it in the long run.

I live in a time and a place where my illness robs me of dignity and self respect. The minute this label is known, is the minute one's credibility is questioned. And yet, it was a freeing relief the day i accepted the reality of this "label", this diagnosis... the reality of this inconstant mood disorder. In the 90's we were taught to shun "labels" and to therefore avoid and neglect such critical decisions regarding our state of mind or to even acknowledge somthing was wrong. I shroud myself in shame.... not my own, but the shame placed on me thanx to the ignorant mob and thanx to my own flawed perceptions of self due to the weakness of my brain. i feel shamed not only because of stigma but because of the things i've done or not done are shameful in my eyes.

Years and years of meds....of denial, of acceptance, of hospitals, of research, of compliance, of forgetting everything, of gaining and losing, of never giving into addiction to medicate the pain away...and still...i'm not better...in fact, i am getting worse with the yrs. I just found out i have hypo thyroidism, vitamin deficiencies, and other unknown hormonal irregularities to join in on the unstable chemical maelstrom that plagues me since god knows when. The system will never care, only individuals can and they are all too few or spread too thin to be of any ultimate help... i don't have the strength to reach out anymore. i am childless, husbandless, friendless and have an unsympathetic family who can barely take care of themselves let alone help me in any way. I've tried to find family elsewhere, but that is also short lived since depression imprisons me from people and makes me an inconstant friend. Nothing at all is stable. Nothing at all. i have done all the "right" things...went to the **** hole clinics and tried to be patient with the conveyor belt system i am stuck with since Not one private dr. will accept my insurance. Ive put up with their automaton pill dispensing ways... their lies, their calloused betrayals when failing to inform me of critical side effects. If i miss just 3 appts. in one year, they drop you without a care. No follow up..no nothing but one extra reason for my depressed brain to say: "i give up".

For these last 2 yrs. i've been on super high doses of meds...some of which should never have been prescribed as i later discovered. My cycles used to happen in clear cut cycles of either hypo manias/manias or depression, but after a time, they got more mixed and jumbled...more frequent and unpredictable. Many of the shorter lived depressions started to occur during my menstrual cycles. My manias no longer gave me the physical energy they once did, i started to have non stop acne at this age----everything pointing to some hormonal craziness going on in my body combined with this mood disorder. Trying to figure out what is what...what was causing what is exhausting. The doctors keep sending me to a different "room" as though i were at the dmv and no one cares to figure this out for me and then complain when i am forced to be my own frakkin doctor. Result: after carefully and slowly weaning myself off lamictal, then effexor for the sole purpose of understanding what is causing what ... so i can start new and do blood work etc... i climb into a euphoric mania, then crash into a horrid depression. I want to trust the meds and the doctors, but i feel i can't anymore.

i'm done with everything. This is no way to live ..i don't want to live like this anymore--- it's not worth the effort. writing any of this... don't even know why i'm doing it...what's the point?

my life once held so much promise... my art, my compassion and all efforts i've made in trying to help so many who suffer seems all for naught. What i came out of... how i turned my life around was stellar once...but now ....the tragedy of it all when all that i've gained slipped away little by little.
It's all lost now and there's no going back. so many years lost and no one left to hang in there for.

My dogs are dead now. They were the only children i had left. maybe i should go and put an end to this misery. people say it's cowardly, but i find i don't have the guts to end it all. Like hamlet, i'm stuck with all this endless inaction....this endless soliloquy i can't seem to put out of my mind

I can feel the pain in your words ChewbaccasMum, I do. I have been there too, I think so many of us here can relate to your words.

I hope you can copy this and make a thread here in the Bipolar forum with this. I think it could be really helpful, and would get the attention it deserves. sounds like you really could use some friends and support right now.

I am glad you came to PC, I hope we can help you, I have found so much support and help here, and I hope the same for you too.

I could of wrote your post a year ago, and although I am struggling a little right now, over the last year has been one of the best in my life. And I do have to say that a lot of what got me there was stuff I learned from people here. I went through the whole med thing for almost a decade, before I finally just couldn't do it anymore. I hear your frustration on that, I do.

There is a lot of stuff we can do, that we can change or implement into our lives to make this quite a bit better. It's hard, it's slow, but it is very worth it. I hope by being here you will be able to find things that are just right for you, that you will be able to find peace and joy in your life.

So please stick around, we are all ready and here to support you, and be your friend.

[canacrip]

I'm always afraid to admit it. It just upsets people around me and I hate having to fight with my wife. I fear the hospital, too. Just try to grin n bear it.

[Anika.]

Sheer utter dissapointment, that I have to go down this road again. If I am going to be honest. I will do it here, because in real life I can't.

[bluemountains]

Hi Anika,
Please keep going. You are one of my heroes because you are carrying on and you do it without the drugs.
I take anti-depressants and anti-psychotics, and it is all supposed to help. How does it help? I play with my life with benzos and alcohol. It is all like a big roulette game. I thought it was all supposed to make me sane-the drugs, the therapy, the visits to the pdoc; but I feel that somehow it is all pushing my mood swings. I now feel like somehow the system took over when all I was doing was seeking help to understand my moods.
I admitted to a friend tonight that many nights I play a game. I play with the number of benzos I take, and the amount of alcohol I drink, and guess if I will wake up in the morning. I have received advice on this site to be careful, but I know what I am toying with. As I told my friend tonight, it is not that I want the drama of dying, I just don't want to be at all, so I get your being tired, Anika. There are so many times that I don't want to exist.
Sometimes I do want to exist, though, so I don't get why I have such conflicting emotions, and I fear that one day the dark side will win.
...As you can see, Anika, I am gloom and doom, but you are such a fighter. You say that you have no room for the depression, so don't let it win.
Bluemountains