[hamster-bamster]

In October, my 95%friend, 5%former short-term lover is coming for a short visit from Europe. He is a p-doc. I've known him for 25 years. Let us call him D. D. talks with me regularly over Skype. I would love to resume the sexual relationship with him. Actually, when I did have a sexual relationship with D. back in 1996, prior to my recently ended marriage, it was like toying, I did not really care, because I was deeply in love with an older married guy, who loved me but did not want to cheat on his wife even though they had a sexless marriage. So I was pre-occupied by this relationship with the older guy and did not pay much attention to sex. Now I am ready to pay attention. It has been three years since my sexual relations with my ex-husband stopped. I still would love to have them more than anything else, but I accepted that it is not an option, and sexual relations with D. are clearly a second-best preference, because he is kind and would not hurt my feelings, because I have warm feelings towards him and because we have so much in common. I would feel 100% safe with him and I want to give him a lot of pleasure.

He sometimes gives me compliments over Skype, i.e. refers to my hair poetically or tells me I am beautiful. I do not tell him that his compliments are the only ones I get in years. My ex-husband speaks very openly about how I have lost my looks. And the mirror seconds my ex-husband, not D.

Once D. noticed that I have gained weight. His opinion on weight-gain inducing meds is - patients need to diet. As we all painfully know, this is easier said than done.

Many many years ago D. was madly in love with me. When we had this brief period of having sex, he was sure I would marry him. For me, again, it was a complete nothing.

Then much later he married but the marriage did not work out due to his wife's greed (money issues). They have long separated and he is thinking of filing for divorce. So he is basically available.

Over Skype, he says "kiss you" at the end of the conversation emphatically.

This is about all.

It seems to me that had I not been that fat (and even my face is fat), given his prior attraction and my current feelings and enthusiasm, we would have rekindled love making and had a very good time.

My question is - to what extent is being fat a killer, to what extent is it off-putting? D. remembers me in bed in top shape - that was before diagnosis and meds and plus I was young with fast metabolism. He himself is in good shape. But he understands what meds can do for you. I am just not sure that understanding it intellectually would help "forgive" me in terms of fueling his desire.

How bad is it? I see overweight people on this board being married and in relationships, so it must be OK at least sometimes. Is it because you were ALREADY in a sexual relationship when you started gaining weight? Has anyone ENTERED a sexual relationship BEING fat? And now sorry for the graphic details: how does being fat color your sex life? Do you try to hide your body under bed covers? Do you focus on genitalia at the expense of touching the rest of the body? Or do you celebrate life with all the pounds or kgs it is giving you at the moment?

I will go to the gym now that my new job pays for it, and that should help some, but I am being realistic - sometimes meds do not let you lose weight, and it might become my case.

Sometimes I wonder, given how close we are, how wise and kind he is, whether I should tell him outright without playing games or waiting how the situation unfolds itself that I would love to repeat the experience of 1996, making it infinitely better, but I am embarrassed by my fat body and afraid that it puts him off.

OK, gotta go for a walk now. Thanks for reading and hope to hear some good advice!!

[BuggsBunny]

Hamster, just one question, and it's got nothing to do with your size. What would you accomplish by a very short sexual relationship with D? You said he's only going to be here a short time. And all the while you'd be worried about his being turned off over your weight. I'm not trying to talk you out of this, just to get you to look at the possible consequences of your wishes. Do you want to risk a long term friendship over some short term sex?

~Buggs

[abience]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

In October, my 95%friend, 5%former short-term lover is coming for a short visit from Europe. He is a p-doc. I've known him for 25 years. Let us call him D. D. talks with me regularly over Skype. I would love to resume the sexual relationship with him. Actually, when I did have a sexual relationship with D. back in 1996, prior to my recently ended marriage, it was like toying, I did not really care, because I was deeply in love with an older married guy, who loved me but did not want to cheat on his wife even though they had a sexless marriage. So I was pre-occupied by this relationship with the older guy and did not pay much attention to sex. Now I am ready to pay attention. It has been three years since my sexual relations with my ex-husband stopped. I still would love to have them more than anything else, but I accepted that it is not an option, and sexual relations with D. are clearly a second-best preference, because he is kind and would not hurt my feelings, because I have warm feelings towards him and because we have so much in common. I would feel 100% safe with him and I want to give him a lot of pleasure.

He sometimes gives me compliments over Skype, i.e. refers to my hair poetically or tells me I am beautiful. I do not tell him that his compliments are the only ones I get in years. My ex-husband speaks very openly about how I have lost my looks. And the mirror seconds my ex-husband, not D.

Once D. noticed that I have gained weight. His opinion on weight-gain inducing meds is - patients need to diet. As we all painfully know, this is easier said than done.

Many many years ago D. was madly in love with me. When we had this brief period of having sex, he was sure I would marry him. For me, again, it was a complete nothing.

Then much later he married but the marriage did not work out due to his wife's greed (money issues). They have long separated and he is thinking of filing for divorce. So he is basically available.

Over Skype, he says "kiss you" at the end of the conversation emphatically.

This is about all.

It seems to me that had I not been that fat (and even my face is fat), given his prior attraction and my current feelings and enthusiasm, we would have rekindled love making and had a very good time.

My question is - to what extent is being fat a killer, to what extent is it off-putting? D. remembers me in bed in top shape - that was before diagnosis and meds and plus I was young with fast metabolism. He himself is in good shape. But he understands what meds can do for you. I am just not sure that understanding it intellectually would help "forgive" me in terms of fueling his desire.

How bad is it? I see overweight people on this board being married and in relationships, so it must be OK at least sometimes. Is it because you were ALREADY in a sexual relationship when you started gaining weight? Has anyone ENTERED a sexual relationship BEING fat? And now sorry for the graphic details: how does being fat color your sex life? Do you try to hide your body under bed covers? Do you focus on genitalia at the expense of touching the rest of the body? Or do you celebrate life with all the pounds or kgs it is giving you at the moment?

I will go to the gym now that my new job pays for it, and that should help some, but I am being realistic - sometimes meds do not let you lose weight, and it might become my case.

Sometimes I wonder, given how close we are, how wise and kind he is, whether I should tell him outright without playing games or waiting how the situation unfolds itself that I would love to repeat the experience of 1996, making it infinitely better, but I am embarrassed by my fat body and afraid that it puts him off.

OK, gotta go for a walk now. Thanks for reading and hope to hear some good advice!!

I'm curious about this too. In a similair situation with an ex wanting to get together again, but he's never seen me at this weight (due to meds, yeah). He has this idea of what I was, not what I am. I'm inclined to tell him not to visit because I'm so embarrassed.

[Lauru]

I was never in a long term relationship when I was skinny. Pre meds. Since I have been extremely fat, partially due to meds, I have been in 2 longterm relationships of about 5 years each. I entered both of those relationships fat. Without being too graphic I will say sex is not as beautiful as it would be if both of us were skinny. But love came and sex came, and actually the sex was quite good. I tend to focus on my partner's face and small sections of her body rather than her body overall. Honestly, I think the sex would have been much hotter had we both been skinny. But the love was there and there was passion. So I guess you take what you can get and hope for the best.

[Victoria'smom]

My husband was over weight when we met. He has since gained an extra me in weight but I've gained a small child. I too focus my eyes on individual body parts and his face but my hands go where ever I feel like. It really depends on the person if weight is an issue to a sexual relationship. I know my husband has lost potential relationships due to his weight. We are both very visual and controlling so hiding under sheets are not an option in our relationship.

It sounds like the risks out way the benefits to this short term relationship change. It could work but do you have an other options that don't have as high risks.

[cocoabeans]

I don't know where the risks are given youure clear about what this is, just sex. Sex really isn't complicated, people make it complicated.

Can't really comment on the weight thing, never been an issue in my life. Have I decidedly paid more attention to fit men? Probably. I like hard muscles, fat is soft...

My husband did gain weight for a bit and I did ask him to lose it which he did, it wasn't much weight but interfered nonetheless. I wonder if that was awful but, I'd expect if I gained enough, he'd comment too.

[RobertDark]

IMHO, weight means little to nothing in a relationship that is built on love. My last relationship was with someone who is overweight, I am not skinny (I have a weird body, everything on me is muscular except this rather large gut, but I digress) and it was the best and most frequent sex I ever had. And no, I am not a chubby chaser. Love can just get you anywhere IMO, regardless of body type.

This post here? This obviously isn't based on love, this sounds like a fling where I think body type is probably a lot more important. I'll say this, if you think the guy loves you, he will sleep with you and not care for a second what you look like. It sounds like the love was there in the past from him but you aren't sure if it's there now. Based on what little you said, it sounds like he still has feelings.

I think the real question is.... If this guy has real feelings for you, is it a good idea to have a fling? If I was the guy in this story I'd say no. If it really is "just sex" and you know it's not going to leave this guy wanting more, I say go for it. But if there is ANY hint that he might want to be more than friends and you don't? It wouldn't be fair to him to lead him on.

[BNLsMOM]

In my situation, my husband and I have both gained weight. His weight gain doesn't bother me, but mine bothers him. He won't have sex with me. We went three years without and then had sex a couple of times in May, but nothing since then. I equate sex with love when in a long term relationship, so sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me although he says he does.

[ChristySpirals]

I know that size doesn't really matter (except really fat) too much to me when I am gonna do some spontaneous fun but if its planned then they have to be what I want, which is not fat.

To be honest tho do you really care what he thinks? If it's just for some casual fun go in, get yours and get out. Plus how do you know if he isn't having his own insecurities? Don't think too much about stuff you can't change and just go have fun

[faerie_moon_x]

Well, I am fat. My husband tells me I'm sexy. I was not thin when I met him. I'd already had one child. And I've also got that mother's apron thing going on thanks to 2 c-sections (which I hate that more than the fat, actually.) He does tell me my tummy isn't sexy but the other (more important) parts of me are, and he is aware that I've had 3 kids...

Despite this, I'm still self-concious about it.

So I say it just depends on the person who is looking at you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by RobertDark

IMHO, weight means little to nothing in a relationship that is built on love. My last relationship was with someone who is overweight, I am not skinny (I have a weird body, everything on me is muscular except this rather large gut, but I digress) and it was the best and most frequent sex I ever had. And no, I am not a chubby chaser. Love can just get you anywhere IMO, regardless of body type.

This post here? This obviously isn't based on love, this sounds like a fling where I think body type is probably a lot more important. I'll say this, if you think the guy loves you, he will sleep with you and not care for a second what you look like. It sounds like the love was there in the past from him but you aren't sure if it's there now. Based on what little you said, it sounds like he still has feelings.

I think the real question is.... If this guy has real feelings for you, is it a good idea to have a fling? If I was the guy in this story I'd say no. If it really is "just sex" and you know it's not going to leave this guy wanting more, I say go for it. But if there is ANY hint that he might want to be more than friends and you don't? It wouldn't be fair to him to lead him on.

No-no, I would love to be more than friends with him, it is just that he lives and works in Europe. The nature of his work, his monetary situation, and the fact that he cares for his elderly mother preclude frequent visits. I would not be able to go over for a visit either because I am behind on my child/spousal support payments so I have financial priorities other than trips to Europe. That's all. Other than that, sky's the limit.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

And I've also got that mother's apron thing going on thanks to 2 c-sections (which I hate that more than the fat, actually.) ...
So I say it just depends on the person who is looking at you.

Mother's apron... I did not know this expression. I have it, too. I, too, hate it more than fat. Unlike you, I cannot blame it on C-sections: my births (3) were all vaginal.

In terms of who is looking at you - D.'s soon to be ex wife is petite and skinny. So we have no evidence of his liking fat women. On the other hand, this is as they say just one datapoint

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Mother's apron... I did not know this expression. I have it, too. I, too, hate it more than fat. Unlike you, I cannot blame it on C-sections: my births (3) were all vaginal.

In terms of who is looking at you - D.'s soon to be ex wife is petite and skinny. So we have no evidence of his liking fat women. On the other hand, this is as they say just one datapoint

Maybe look at it from a different angel. He has a petit and skinny woman he's about to divorce. Maybe he's wanting something that is different from that.

[RobertDark]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

No-no, I would love to be more than friends with him, it is just that he lives and works in Europe. The nature of his work, his monetary situation, and the fact that he cares for his elderly mother preclude frequent visits. I would not be able to go over for a visit either because I am behind on my child/spousal support payments so I have financial priorities other than trips to Europe. That's all. Other than that, sky's the limit.

Got it. Then I say go for it and if he does share the same feelings you do, he won't care what you look like. Sounds like a relationship would be very difficult in your situation but I am a romantic at heart and I think if it's meant to be, it will be. Love can get people places they don't think possible.

If he's told you that you are beautiful and you believe that to be the truth then I'd bet he doesn't have any real issue with your weight.

[BlueInanna]

Work it mama, feel sexy on the inside and it will emanate and attract lovers Sometimes I'll do a little dance in the mirror like oh yeah check out these curves, now that's a bootie, smack, now that's 100% woman. mmm-hmmm... Sometimes too many lovers - be carefull lol No one has ever said anything about my belly.... cuz I would probably punch them in their fat nose. xx

[StrawberryFieldsss]

imo if you are looking for a relationship I personally wouldnt be interested in one where i was that worried about my looks... or i would wait until i was in good shape again. or at least the best shape i could be in under the circumstances. i wouldnt enter into a relationship when i wasnt feeling good about myself. usually people that do wind up settling.

all of this coming from someone that doesnt have sex for the sake of sex and i wait a LONG time before having sex AND i wouldnt have sex with someone occasionally over decades. not happening.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

No-no, I would love to be more than friends with him, it is just that he lives and works in Europe. The nature of his work, his monetary situation, and the fact that he cares for his elderly mother preclude frequent visits. I would not be able to go over for a visit either because I am behind on my child/spousal support payments so I have financial priorities other than trips to Europe. That's all. Other than that, sky's the limit.

In a long distance situation like this it would never likely be more than friends with benefits. He is also still married according to your first post. Traveling is how many men carry on affairs with no intention of divorcing their wives. I'd proceed with caution. You have no way of verifying anything that he says to you being so far away from him. The mushy fuzzy talk often accompanies this as they never really have to commit to you, but some men know that women love to hear this stuff so they say it.

I would dump this guy like a bad habit personally.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by StrawberryFieldsss

imo if you are looking for a relationship I personally wouldnt be interested in one where i was that worried about my looks... or i would wait until i was in good shape again. or at least the best shape i could be in under the circumstances. i wouldnt enter into a relationship when i wasnt feeling good about myself. usually people that do wind up settling.

all of this coming from someone that doesnt have sex for the sake of sex and i wait a LONG time before having sex AND i wouldnt have sex with someone occasionally over decades. not happening.

well as I said I have known him for 25 years

[StrawberryFieldsss]

well of course you'll do what you want. that was just my opinion. not my life, not my consequences

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BuggsBunny

Hamster, just one question, and it's got nothing to do with your size. What would you accomplish by a very short sexual relationship with D? You said he's only going to be here a short time. And all the while you'd be worried about his being turned off over your weight. I'm not trying to talk you out of this, just to get you to look at the possible consequences of your wishes. Do you want to risk a long term friendship over some short term sex?

~Buggs

Buggs, thanks very much for asking and for caring. It is invaluable. I will explain and you let me know if I am delusional. I do not think that I would be worried about his being turned ff over my weight all the time. I would say this is an initial hurdle for me to overcome, and the answers on this thread have already helped me move in that direction. It would also help me if D. assured me that I am OK or that he certainly understands what it is like being on Depakote. But what I AM worried is your mention of risks. Do you see me losing an important long-term friendship? How? I value the friendship, I do not want to ruin anything. Thanks for thinking it through for me!

Originally Posted by Lauru

I was never in a long term relationship when I was skinny. Pre meds. Since I have been extremely fat, partially due to meds, I have been in 2 longterm relationships of about 5 years each. I entered both of those relationships fat. Without being too graphic I will say sex is not as beautiful as it would be if both of us were skinny. But love came and sex came, and actually the sex was quite good. I tend to focus on my partner's face and small sections of her body rather than her body overall. Honestly, I think the sex would have been much hotter had we both been skinny. But the love was there and there was passion. So I guess you take what you can get and hope for the best.

Lauru, thanks, this is encouraging. There are actually plenty of body parts that are OK about me - virtually all extremeties and the neck. It is just a fat torso and a puffy face. So it is nice to know non-fat body parts can detract attention. I am glad the love was there and there was passion for you. I hope to follow suit.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

It sounds like the risks outweigh the benefits to this short term relationship change. It could work but do you have an other options that don't have as high risks.

Same question as the one I asked Buggs: where do you see the risks? Do you see me spoiling a friendship over it? Regarding other options - no, I do not have any. I thought that a old friend and a p-doc to boot would be actually a good option to "break the fast" of my three year old abstinence, because he would be kind, understanding, etc. etc. to say nothing about not being put off or scared by my inability to orgasm (courtesy of my antipsychotic, other than that a terrific drug whom D. himself recommended heartily). He does not know about this pretty side effect because we have not talked about sex - we always interact pretending that nothing happened in 1996 - but when I tell him, he will understand and I am sure will pity me. And eventually he will become a more compassionate p-doc thanks this experience with me, although I know he is already more compassionate than many.

To your general point about other options: I do not feel I am ready. Nor am I equipped to place myself into dating marketplace again. Last time I was on it was a long time ago, and all odds were in my favor - killer looks in combination with frequent hypomania whose energy seduces people meant that guys competed for me. I do not know how to be just like everybody else, how to be with humility, and I need even more than that now because I am not "just like everybody else", I have odds against me - besides fat, I have sagging breasts (3 babies + 8 years of breastfeeding combined), ackned skin (courtesy of Lithium), shaking hands (courtesy of Depakote), and a problem with self care which makes things that would have been welcome now, such as ability to apply make-up or skillfully style hair (high quality curly hair which I hide wearing it in a pony tail because of lack of dexterity needed to make it into something more creative and visually appealing): I barely manage to brush my teeth and take showers, more grooming is out of the question. This self-care problem is like a combination of self-punishment and lack of motivation. So, no, maybe with time, but for now I am scared of dating, plus I have absolutely no time for it - I sleep and work now, that is all.

Originally Posted by cocoabeans

My husband did gain weight for a bit and I did ask him to lose it which he did, it wasn't much weight but interfered nonetheless.

Good for him. When my then husband nudged me, by saying things such as "you would feel better if you start exercising", I did not "get" it. By the time he told me that touching my folds of fat skin was no longer pleasant and that I was forcing him to have this experience, it was too late to change anything. But I begrudge him for being gentle with me in the beginning, I would much rather he tell me outright, like you told your husband, that it is interfering.

Originally Posted by ChristySpirals

Don't think too much about stuff you can't change and just go have fun

OK, I will, unless there are risks to friendship involved. Thanks.

Originally Posted by RobertDark

Got it. Then I say go for it and if he does share the same feelings you do, he won't care what you look like. Sounds like a relationship would be very difficult in your situation but I am a romantic at heart and I think if it's meant to be, it will be. Love can get people places they don't think possible.

If he's told you that you are beautiful and you believe that to be the truth then I'd bet he doesn't have any real issue with your weight.

D. is a romantic, like you. And when he said over Skype that I am beautiful, he only saw the face and the hair.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Work it mama, feel sexy on the inside and it will emanate and attract lovers Sometimes I'll do a little dance in the mirror like oh yeah check out these curves, now that's a bootie, smack, now that's 100% woman. mmm-hmmm... Sometimes too many lovers - be carefull lol No one has ever said anything about my belly.... cuz I would probably punch them in their fat nose. xx

Go BlueInanna! I love your post! I can see you dancing! I do feel sexy - smolderingly sexy to be precise - on the inside and I often think that what he will get now if he goes for it - the whole package, the 100% woman - is in fact infinitely better than the beautiful doll whom he had in bed in the past.

Originally Posted by StrawberryFieldsss

In a long distance situation like this it would never likely be more than friends with benefits. He is also still married according to your first post. Traveling is how many men carry on affairs with no intention of divorcing their wives. I'd proceed with caution. You have no way of verifying anything that he says to you being so far away from him. The mushy fuzzy talk often accompanies this as they never really have to commit to you, but some men know that women love to hear this stuff so they say it.

I would dump this guy like a bad habit personally.

When I visited, in 2010, they were already separated - he living in the city and she living in the suburbs. But of course they might still be having sex. It is just none of my business - what I claim in this relationship is tender specialness, not exclusivity.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by StrawberryFieldsss

well of course you'll do what you want. that was just my opinion. not my life, not my consequences

This post is written as if I attacked or devalued your opinion. I did not. Your opinion is appreciated and will always be. What I did was I pointed out a non sequitur internal to your opinion - you were juxtaposing your ways to mine and in doing so you mentioned waiting for a long time before having sex, but since the relationship in question was born 25 years ago one certainly cannot say that more waiting period is necessary. I highlighted that part to be clear. That was the only thing about your opinion that puzzled me, I see your points everywhere else. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. Your opinion, again, is very welcome.

[RobertDark]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

D. is a romantic, like you. And when he said over Skype that I am beautiful, he only saw the face and the hair.

Allow me to be a little cheesy and say, just from reading your side of it, I think this man has some feelings for you. Those feelings will overcome overweight in my opinion.

I still say go for it and in the heat of the moment, body type means nothing.

[Confusedinomicon]

Talk to him and make sure you guys know where the relationship would be if you guys had sex to make sure it doesnt destroy your friendship. As long as you know your boundaries and he knows his its fine. Your not being manic in the decision and it sounds rational.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by RobertDark

Allow me to be a little cheesy and say, just from reading your side of it, I think this man has some feelings for you. Those feelings will overcome overweight in my opinion.

I still say go for it and in the heat of the moment, body type means nothing.

With your blessing, Robert, with your blessing!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

Talk to him and make sure you guys know where the relationship would be if you guys had sex to make sure it doesnt destroy your friendship. As long as you know your boundaries and he knows his its fine. Your not being manic in the decision and it sounds rational.

Will do. My main concern is not to destroy the friendship. So thanks.