Major stress and not much sleep has triggered me on a cycling rollercoaster. I have that dang pain in my upper right shoulder again and have to keep pushing my shoulders back down. So much financial stress and it's the one kind of stress I just cannot deal with. My brain is so screwed up on this one its like the back quater of my brain behind my right ear is numb, I have pain behind my eyeballs.
I refuse to be suicidal but damn can I get a freakin break here?!?
I am ready to just crawl under a rock but at the same time I have things to do and I WILL DO THEM no matter what! Damn the torpedoes!

Feeling down. Tired all the time. No motivation. Bleh.

Umm. I got dressed today. About ten minutes ago.
Brushed my teeth, put my hair up, put in some earrings.
I can wear a cute dress that actually fits now but will always be way too short.
I got up at 9:30 and fed the cat.
That's been my day.
I fed the cat; that's my contribution for today.
Hi.

[TippPatt]

Went outside to tinker some. Worked in the flower beds and started some flowers from seeds. Almost tipped the tipping point when Poppie decided to point out the obvious to me. Instead of snapping though, I worked some more, came inside and said "you're not allowed to tell me to shut up when I say you can't bark at me". He said zip and I went off to take a shower !!!! (Shower being an important thing we usually forgo being bipolar folk). Now I'm all squeeky clean and it's raining outside.

Good day so far. Let's hope I'm finally able to get some sleep tonight. Perhaps, just because I'll take a sleeping med so that I actually sleep for more than four hours tonight. I know my body needs more than 'light sleep'. Those REMS are important for body regeneration functions and I know I'm missing a great deal by this manic cycle I'm currently in.

[A Red Panda]

Josie: getting dressed sometimes just doesn't happen! So w00t. And feeling good about yourself in a dress is always a good thing for self-esteem right? And hey.. even if you're not feeling your best? You are still taking care of your cat. That's important, because you're responsible for the cat and it's good to remind yourself that you ARE still taking care of someone that needs you. That's something to feel positive about!

As for myself... today I dyed my hair. It's now mostly-blonde, but not quite. Had too much dye still in it, so my hairdresser juts put a lot of blonde highlights in it. It looks quite good, which was a surprise as I really didn't think I was going to look good with blonde. But I wanted to try it anyway as a challenge for myself. Success!

I'm also now at my friend's for the night so that we can wake up early and leave for the city!

Wow, do I feel like a million bucks today so far (hypomanic or just good?)! I actually slept all night last night without waking up a single time - - thank you pdoc for prescribing lunesta.

I also don't feel that extreme grogginess that I did when taking two 5 mg saphris plus 100 mg geodon plus 2 klonopin, all at bedtime. Getting rid of the geodon and cutting down to only 5 mg saphris really seems to have been a good thing so far.

This is three days in a row of feeling pretty darn close to normal.

But I struggle with finding things to keep me busy all day. Due to screwed up law practice ad in current Yellowbook (my fault for missing proofing deadline) and screwed up headline on website (not my fault and apparently can't change), my workload is very small. Hopefully, these will change soon with new Yellowbook coming out in October and website correction.

Typical day for me.
I have some coffee which is my artificial joy; the caffiene helps boost my mood for a while and if I am lucky trigger a hypo that usually lasts most of the day.
Otherwise I find myself floating between thinking of things that boost my mood which and the realization of things I have to get done or stuff I forgot I need to do.
Then I want to talk with my....oh nevermind, dont have one of those anymore.
Lonliness takes over and down the spiral I go.
This is just no way to live a life (no its not a veiled SUI statement, just one of futility)

Everything hurts again and I'm due for a migraine anytime.
On the bright side, I had breakfast and am dressed before noon!
...on the other hand, I feel a creeping sense of the erratic and unpredictable.
So maybe it's time to chain everything down- probably bad time to have access to a car?

Update to my post of 4 hours ago: no, I am not feeling normal for the third day in a row. Right now I'm angry for no real reason, so back to ultra rapid cycling. Angry, frustrated, bored.

Tomorrow night I go up to 50 mg lamictal. Please making a lasting change, lamictal! I am so tired of not feeling like, and being, "normal."

I need to keep things in perspective. Things are really not as bad or anger-provoking as they seem. It's just the bipolar lens.

Ugh! [huge sigh]

[bluewind]

Took a bronchaid yesterday afternoon and became slightly psychotic. Couldn't sleep, rocking back and forth. Took an ambien with geodon and Lamictal, ( night meds,) and finally I went out. I love mornings and feel great now but no more bronchaid to get a bit of hypo. I'm just so darned at able. For two months now. It's like putting my left foot into my right shoe!

[lifelies]

Still feeling down, and tired, I want to do nothing but I wish I could do everything.
Btw my previous post here was mine.
Allie
Lifelies

I'm so mad at myself for forgetting to take my klonopin at bedtime last night. Crappy sleep once again, and wide awake at 3 a.m.

I would just like to wake up at, say, 6:00 a.m. like a healthy person! So another day with bags under my eyes. . .

Yesterday felt angry from about 11:00 a.m. on. Hate it! Feel angry again now.

Can't wait to see pdoc on Wednesday. And again, can't wait for 8/13 - 8/20 when I go up to 100 mg lamictal and 200 mg lamictal to see if that med will actually help even me out. Feeling angry all the time is so miserable. There's no escaping it.

I really think I should start exercising more vigorously. Someday I will look back on the summer of '13 as just being "that crazy summer" (I hope). I just want to go back to my stable self. Please.

Woke up to the usual racing thoughts and racing depressions thru my head and my heart.
It's like waking up pulls the cork on a shook up bottle of champagne or is the breaking open of a dam or a levee. It's when I pray the most...and usually my prayers are interrupted by the racing thoughts.
I had meds for it once and it was great for a while, then the meds pooped out and while the racing thoughts were gone, the side affects (muscle cramps, anxiety attacks, social paranoia) were just unbearable.
The meds also helped me sleep....lucky me I have sort of trained myself to sleep in spite of the racing thoughts and while its better...waking up is not much fun. Waking up in a sort of "movie" of stress is just...well it sucks!

[comicgeek007]

meds taken, situational depression over. I spent until 2am crying into boyfriend's shirt and otherwise being consoled. Now I'm back to barely sleeping even if I try and feeling wired.

I slept well last night and my back/neck pain has improved a bit. I ran out of my Wellbutrin last week....hmmmm. Not taking my anti-psychotics but taking all other meds and will resume Wellbutrin when I got back to pdoc for appt. Have been hypomanic and was enjoying the extra energy but then my pain was too bad and I also started getting edgy and irritable. Sleep and Xanax helped bring my mood to a more level state...or at least what is level for me. Boyfriend and I are going to visit my stepdad today and take him out to lunch. It's hard for me to get out of the house, but I need to do it. I need to discuss moving plans with stepdad and want to see him, anyway. He's my only surviving parent.

Took my daughter back-to-school shopping yesterday. Got it done but nearly had a panic attack. Ah well. She has her school supplies and some clothes.

I feel fat but I'm medically underweight. And I have to deal with going out to lunch at a restaurant today. Great... Well, at least I am familiar with the restaurant so I know what to order that feels safe.

[lifelies]

I feel insanely mad with some stupid people of another forums... Stupid moderators, they only think on themselves. Thanksfully here moderators seem to be more intelligent people
Allie

Uhm... not feeling me today, I think I'm co-conscious with Allie. This morning she/I was/were so depressive and tired, but now I'm feeling better.
Tom
Lifelies

[A Red Panda]

Still feeling rather out of whack from my appointment on the 31. But I'm in the city for the first leg of my holiday, and today that included challenging myself to get a pedicure (did it! I was nervous and mostly uncomfortable, but I didn't panic and could manage it again!) and also met a challenge of going downstairs at the hotel to use the steam room on my own. Then I even went and swam a few laps (I haven't done front crawl in like a decade or so!).

Keep it mind, yesterday I spent $100 on stuff for school ... at the dollar store... (I left the supplies in my friend's truck while they head out on their own vacation) and today I spent $200 on me. It includes a pair of yoga pants, 3 shirts, some stuff from LUSH, ONE book (that was a proud moment) and two journals (one for myself for the T's challenges, and one for my friend for her bday as I'm making her do this stuff too haha). Also purchased some movies so it's actually more than $200 now. And this cut little "buddha board" that's like a tiny paint easel but it's just water and it dries so you can do it over and over again. I think I'm going to find them and purchase two more - one for my students and one for the councellor at my school because I think she'll really like it.

Oh yes. And I chatted with two employees in the book store - 1 of them about the new Doctor Who being announced tomorrow (I'm wearing a tardis t-shirt so he started the convo with me) and then another employee, also due to the shirt, initiated one about geeky t-shirts. Also had a good chat with the lady at lush, and some short chit-chat with some other people at the nail salon. All conversations NOT initiated by me, but still nice little convos anyway!

Am now planing out a potential spa trip with my friend as a challenge to ourselves.

Started 50 lamictal last night, and what a concept to wake up and feel a sense of calm. I got up when I wanted to get up, and not when my body "forced" me to get up because I felt uncontrollably compelled. I want more of that!

The past 2 days have been bad with depression/lethargy hitting in the afternoon/eves though - - but with a tinge of anger mixed in.

I so desperately want to be stable again. I told myself August was going to be potentially rough (as I work up on lamictal). I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm not even on a therapeutic dose and to be PATIENT. I have no choice but to ride this storm out and am trying to have faith that THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

I hate this illness. I don't have enough obscene words in my vocabulary for how much I hate it.

Seriously considering increasing my dose of Zyprexa.

[MOHANAKRISHNAN]

I quite enjoyed Sunday, but I distressed that I couldnt stay away from moderate consumption of alcohol on Sundays and occasionally even agst instruction of my Dr. As my time of taking medicine is in night I dnt knw wht impact it will have on Lithium..Good night to all my friends and hope that they enjoyed Friendship Day.

I have had 2 nights of good sleep which after 3 weeks of poo sleep is welcomed. I have toothache from hell which started today and I'm supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow (typical). I'm really nervous about the travelling by train as I hate it and always have hated public transport as I get lots of anxiety over it and on the journey itself...so that should be fun. Apart from that things are better due to the sleep I've got now. Make such a big difference. Now if I can shift this bronchitis all would be ok for a bit I reckon.

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday felt so peaceful and content. Today (so far) feel really depressed. Haven't felt this depressed since June.

I just really hope I'm not one of those (rare?) people for whom lamictal makes them feel depressed.

My primary goals today are to take a bath and go grocery shopping.

I'm scared lamictal won't be right for me and it'll be back to the drawing board AGAIN.

Reading over this and trying to think objectively, it's only been one day. Tomorrow could be very different, but I do think I've been on a bit of a downward spiral with afternoon fatigue hitting. Actually, 2 hours from now could be different.

I just hate being alone when I'm depressed, and my husband will be going to work today as usual.

Bipolar be damned!

[bjjshorts]

First time posting. Feeling balanced and keep myself busy with the internet, video games and guitar. Looking forward to going out today to the gym; today is chest and triceps. Been thinking of how these past 2 years of taking lithium (as well as kolonopin and haloperidol sometimes) has found an internal homeostasis in me that has allowed me to think more with a sound mind. Having started lifting last year this past month it really has hit home and really allowed me to deal with the chemical imbalances that comes with being bipolar.

If any of you don't have some exercise regiment now I highly recommend coming up with one that fits into your schedule and physical capabilities. It's the most consistently relieving experience that deals with all aspects of being bipolar and the symptons of the med's are easier to deal with as well.

[avlady]

That's great you you are determined!! That's positive, i hope you have a nice day!!

Originally Posted by avlady

That's great you you are determined!! That's positive, i hope you have a nice day!!

Thank you Avlady. I'm so tired of this rapid cycling. Somehow I have to hang on until I'm at a therapeutic dose. Depression is so damn hard.

You have a great day too!