Your experiences with rapid cycling hypomania

Trigger warning for mention of bipolar symptoms, suicidality, cutting, abuse.

I would just like to hear about what its like for YOU and your hypomania symptoms. I have never had any distinctively manic episodes but my NP thinks I'm still bipolar. I disagree, and so does my husband and therapist, but deep down inside, I'm scared she might be right. I have a track record of being incredibly secretive about my lowest moods which may explain why no one close to me would believe I fluctuate much. I would very much like this to be a misdiagnosis for a lot deeply personal and very scary (to me) reasons.

I have been tracking my mood a bit more since I started taking sleep meds (which I desperately needed) and I seem to get suicidally depressed every Sunday. It certainly happened today. I began to fantasize about swallowing the rest of my ativan. (Don't worry, I'm safe and in control.) I also start having to fight the urge to cut myself. I've been tearful and feel like I'm running from something all day.

What may appear as "hypomania" to my NP to me is just a lot of great ideas, being highly productive, etc, although last week I noted some more slightly off the wall things like needing to get a divorce and move to a 3rd world country. However that is rare, usually my "elevated moods" just involve a lot of different ideas. I'm deeply involved in many aspects of the arts, so I get a lot of work done on these projects when I have a what I term a "good day."

Some of the overlap I believe has to do with my 3 years of chronic sleep deprivation which I am getting under control with meds. (I was previously sleeping 1-3 hours a night for a good while.) Part of the overlap may also be PTSD which causes me to have racing thoughts regarding safety and other things, as well as a high degree of hypervigilance.

In general I hate, hate, hate labels but I also despise feeling like there's a crazy person upstairs where my rational mind used to be. I wish I could figure out how to stop feeling like this; if it meant accepting a diagnosis, well, then I guess I better think about it. I'm not looking for anyone here to diagnose me; just want to hear your experiences with this type of thing.

This does sound a lot like what hypomania is to me. Sometimes it can be good, sometimes it can be good.

There's also an ugly kind of hypomania where I can't organize my thoughts to save my life. I start projects (even small stupid ones like laundry or vacuuming) and I get distracted before I can finish. (Today! One of those days!)

But the good kind of hypomania... I think of it as my muse. I also like to consider myself an artist. And I'll write more or paint more or start a scrapbook.

In general, it's literally like having multiple trains of thought going on at exact the same time. They're all running through my head that sometimes, just to talk it's like picking out random words that I'm hearing go through my head from one of the trains of thought. I'm sure that doesn't makes sense.

Why is the "bipolar" diagnosis terrifying to you?

To me, there's several people "upstairs". And each one is truly a different person. It's lead to a series of identity crises in my life. (Pretty much since I've been about 13... really.) That rational, logical one was beaten into submission a LONG time ago.

I'm super secretive about my moods too Pumpkin - my ups and my downs!

I've traditionally had multiple groups of friends; some I party with, others I chill with. Then when I'm in a down I will hang out more with the "chill" friends and when I'm in an up I spend time with the party crowd.

I've had sooo many people tell me over the years, on the odd chance that they've been me in a different mood-set than they're accustomed to, that I wasn't like me at all. I always responded with "Yes, this is me.. you just haven't seen me when I felt like talking/not-talking/whatever it was". So they'll only know me in one mind-set, and they'll just think I'm busy if they don't see me for weeks on end - because I'll keep in touch with texts and whatnot.

Even within those circles - I don't really express what I'm actually feeling at the time. If I'm depressed I'm pretty good at not displaying it.. and if I am displaying it, I can guarantee I'm feeling a lot worse. Same with when I'm in an up - if I'm bouncing all over the place and going non-stop, rest assured I'm actually working pretty dang hard to remain calm and collected! haha.

When I was first diagnosed a year and a half ago, I was so astonished and bewildered at having this 'label' that I didn't know whether to say anything about it or not, especially at work. The trouble is, my lovely, productive, fun hypomania tends to turn on me and become a completely irrational, irritable mania, and it wasn't too long after I was dx'd that I couldn't hide it anymore. Eventually I lost my job because of it, and I've spent the last two months healing from that and am finally ready to go back to work, albeit in a different capacity.

Thankfully, my pdoc and I have at last hit on the right combination of meds, so I'm pretty confident that I'll do all right in the new job. I still have more learning to do as to what's a healthy energy level versus what's hypomania, though.

Nessa & BipolaRNurse are on the money. For many years, after I was stabilized, I was mildly hypomanic, which allowed me to work, to write, to sleep...to have a life. But in 2004, began to rapid cycle, again, which then degenerated into ultradian cycling(mood changes 4 to 6 times a day), with more irritability, sleep problems and general debility. Went on disability in May, 2011. My marriage is also a source of stress, as my wife doesn't understand my illness in addition to having her own mood problems which she won't deal with.

Nessa's right; I've got several people living upstairs. It's crowded but interesting.

Hi!

As an ultradian cycler with dysphoric mania and mixed states, I don't have euphoria or "elevated moods" as one would normally think of as "mania." I'm actually not sure if I was ever classified as hypomania or mania because I'm Bipolar NOS. I'll get there eventually.

But, since I'm both manic and depressive at the same pretty much all the time.... here is how I know when I'm "more manic" as I call it.

1) Racing thoughts increase and easily become obsessive thoughts.

2) Pressured speach increases and I talk too fast but also talk over people, can't shut up, and talk to myself constnatly if I have no one else to talk to.

3) Can't focus on doing one thing. Example: play a game, watch a show, look up things online all at the same time, and still feel like I should be doing more.

4) Jumping from one activity to another and getting very bored very fast.

5) Increased sense of value. "I am so smart! I'm smarter than all of those people! I'm amazing, in fact! I'm going to get like 10,000 views on this post I just wrote!" (With a crash later when my awesomness doesn't quite pan out!)

6) Irritable and sensitive to stimulations such as noise and motion around me. I get very snappy and snippy.

7) Anger level more likely to go into explosive mode.

I don't recommend walking around in dysphoria like me. Not all mania is euphoric. Also, I'm very good at hiding my moods, too. Because I feel there is no point to sharing with people who don't care and won't help. So, I'm a mood ninja, really.

When my mania is less dysphoric, I tend to take on the world. I'll start a lot of projects at the same time. A good example of this is my wirting. If my stories are progressing, you can bet on it that I'm in a lighter manic state and not the heavy dysphoria. That's one thing I've learned. But, it's no sustainable.

Because there was someone in my life who was bipolar who was a criminal and I fear becoming anything like him. It's an outrageous fear but very personal.

I'm afraid of the stigma.

I'm afraid of needing meds for the rest of my life.

I'm afraid of not being "healthy."

I'm afraid my nurse practitioner is wrong, and I'm afraid she's right.

I'm afraid of becoming addicted or physically dependent on meds. I hate taking meds.

I'm afraid that the cost of the meds could bankrupt us or make me get a job that would have health benefits (my current job doesn't offer them and I really like my current job...)

I'm afraid of what my husband would think even though he's never been anything but supportive.

I'm afraid people will think I'm making this stuff up.

And I'm so secretive about my moods that sometimes I wonder if I AM making stuff up, for attention or something. I just don't know what to trust anymore and it's kind of...no, very scary. Before I started therapy a year ago, I was a closed off box with a tightly secured lid. I don't recall having ANY emotions. Now I'm all over the place, like a de-railing train...

It's ok to be terrified. I'm terrified of it too. For allll the same reasons are except you worry about your husband (I'm single) and the worry about being a criminal.

FYI - I'm so far from being a criminal that it's hilarious. The only infraction I ever make is that I'll smoke weed sometimes. But other than that, and you won't even get me to litter or go past a sign that says "don't pass" even if I know it'll be ok.

It's better to have the emotions, even if they ARE all over the place and going haywire right now. I've went through times like that too when I was starting to learn how to handle myself. It's cause when we block everything out and we're numb, it means that we clearly don't have the slightest clue how to process any of our emotions. Once we let the flood out.. although it's crazy... it allows you to actuall work on learning how to handle them and how to cope with them. And then as you do that you'll find that it will become progressively more calm and controlled. And then you'll also get to experience the good emotions more often!

It is ok to be terrified. Many of the things you list are things I have been, or still am afraid of. But it's important to try and remember that the label won't change you. Receiving a diagnosis does not change you, it's just a word. Like someone telling you that you have red hair, whether that's true or not doesn't alter the colour of your hair. Someone telling you you have bipolar won't turn you into someone you're not (eg. a criminal).

Stigma is a difficult one. Self-stigma is the worst and one I'm still working on.

As for being "healthy", you're going for help because you're distressed and struggling. The purpose of the label is to help direct treatment to get you healthy. Some people do find that having a diagnosis and accepting it is helpful to understand what's going on and what they need to do to get well. Other people become overwhelmed by the stigma and get lost in the diagnosis and it ends up being unhelpful.

Meds, again one I struggle with. Not everyone with bipolar stays on meds their whole life, although many do. I hate taking medication, but my psychiatrist knows this about me so works to make sure I'm taking as little as possible. In particular I dislike Seroquel because I feel I become dependent on it for sleep. When I'm acutely unwell I end up on high doses, but once I'm stabilised she takes me off it gradually.

As for my hypomania - less sleep, energetic, irritable, lots of ideas in my head. I was up at 5am yesterday writing down all the thoughts in my head. I also tend to want to stop taking my meds, decide I've made the whole bipolar thing up and that there's nothing wrong with me. It does progress from there, but they're the first things I notice.

I have someone in my life that is a criminal, diagnosed and I don't ever want to be like him. Hence my signature "If I ever want off meds. or out of therapy please knock me back in my place!". Before or after your dx. you are still the same person.

There are people here that are unmedicated. Please do not accept a NP dx. unless she's a psych NP. If you tell your dr that you don't have insurance they can help prescribe cheap meds, may know of discount program or give you meds that have good patient programs. I really think you should talk to your therapist honestly about this. You may want to go to a psychologist to see about getting dx'd.

It was a psych NP....after an hour long consultation. I multiple presenting issues but she honed in on this one.

She does know about my insurance issue and as we change meds she has been working with that to try the cheaper stuff first...but I'm up to seroquel as needed and it's pretty expensive. I guess if it gets more necessary, I'll look into a program. However, I do technically have high deductible insurance and my husband and I both have well paying jobs so it may be tough to qualify.

I plan to talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. This has been brewing for about 3 weeks. We have talked about it a little bit...she does not think I am bipolar in the sense that I don't have all the extreme mania and destructive behaviors, but this is more bipolar II with hypomania, and I have been historically very secretive with her has well; only recently (after a year) am I fully opening up to her. It makes sense that people don't believe it. That's another thing that scares me and another reason why I'm so confused.

seroquel savings card Understand it takes people a while to open up to a therapist. Some times it takes major life events but a year + is not uncommon. Welcome

I know this feeling. the denial and pretty much everything else you describe. I was diagnosed multiple times and many years before I accepted it, just recently. It's completely terrifying. But, finally accepting and going with it is working quite well for me. I feel so much better on my meds. And I have only told my parents (I'm single). Not my kids or friends or siblings. You don't have to tell everyone. Just tell yourself and your hubby. Then take it slowly.

Or just hang out here awhile. That helped me to realize that I was indeed bipolar like "these people". Then I realized they are all kinda awesome and some of my internal stigma went away. It's ok. We're ok. You aren't alone.

It's ok to be afraid. I think it's only natural. In fact, if you WEREN'T afraid at least a little bit of it I would be more concerned. But it's one of those things: it's either there or it isn't. It can be comforting to not know at all, but there's also a comfort in pin pointing the problem.

I really wouldn't trust a nurse practitioner either. But that's just me being me. I would really try to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to get a diagnosis. Or maybe a few if you doubt it.

Meds are a tricky thing as well. Many people find ways to function without them. And I was pretty dead set against them at first. But it's a quality of life thing, and an ease of dealing with life in general. If you try them and don't like them it's always your decision to go off them as well. And if you are seeing a psychiatrist that tells you otherwise, you need to find a new one. (Again... just my opinion.)

I am definitely opposed to meds, but then when I'm suicidal and pretty close to feeling ready to end it all or at least do something incredibly impulsive to myself, those are the moments I wish a pill (just one...not the whole bottle...) could make it stop so I could go back to being a "normal" person again. Even just for a little bit. But then I'm also thkning "You failure! What cognitive coping skill have you not mastered that's let you to this point? This is your fault!"

That makes me feel better! My pace is therapy has just been absurdly slow in my opinion. And thanks for the info on the savings card....I'll keep it in mind!

That makes me feel a whole lot better!!

Also, I think a lot of us are secretive about our moods. I think it comes from the fact that the stigma is real and there are many people who do think that we're making stuff up (for attention, to be lazy, blah blah blah.) So, I think a defence that builds is to just keep it to ourselves. I know that is true for me at least. But, I've seen other people say that they are good at hidding it, too.

Also, bipolar effects us all differently. It is what you make it, in the end. Giving in and saying "I have bipolar, I'm helpless to stop it," will turn it into a run away train. But, if you keep trying and keep aiming toward wellness and learning how it works for you, then over time you get stronger. That's the only reason I'm stilling going, really. I think everyone here is really fighting for their own wellness, and that is awesome.

I would think about/talk to your therapist about why you get so depressed on Sunday's, there must be something to that: do you feel lonely on Sunday's, is it about going back to work on Monday, etc.?

It sounds like your 'ups' don't negatively affect you much? I think the important thing is to get help with what is really affecting you and your functioning, whatever that may be, I think that's what is so important.

If you would like to rule out bipolar, I suggest you get an evaluation from a psychiatrist (as opposed to NP).

It's possible that your moods are all over the place now in part because of therapy. When we keep things bottled up for a long time, and then open up that bottle in therapy, things can get worse before they get better. Have you talked to your therapist about this change?

I did talk to her about this a little bit. She reminded me that I've been seeing her for over a year yet I've almost never spoken about what brought me in the first place. Instead I've mentioned others things that are so distressing that all I can do is talk AROUND them. Most of our work has focused on me learning to trust her. She is away for the next few weeks but luckily I have daily contact with her. She suggested when she gets back that I might want to come multiple times a week to deal with some of the trauma. My opinion is that since I really can't touch it with a 10 foot pole, I don't see how addressing it 2 times a week would be anything but destabilizing. And that's the other thing with being diagnosed bipolar with a history of trauma...I suck at regulating my own emotions. I know this. PTSD and bipolar seem to be very easy to tangle up. But you're right, the most important thing is to treat the person, not the diagnosis...frustrating and scary but talking to everyone here is really helping me sort it out.