[tryinghard973]

MY BI POLAR REALITY CHECK
I'm 36 years old and finally trying to take control over my diagnoses. I would always use, and self medicate to lessen my symptoms. I deal with big polar with delusions, rapid cycling, paranoia, racing thoughts, loss of appetite,etc.. I hope I can help someone else out while also looking at this page for my own reality check.

I was diagnosed ADHD when I was in high school. I wasnt really good at school and I also had social anxiety. I did had friends and I come from a good family. My bi polar wreeked havoc on my family and relationships. My first hospitalization wad in 2008. I was put on adderall and ever after that I became worse. I was put on,cymbolta,zoloft,prozac,lithium,geodon,zyprexa,latuda,buspar,
tegretol,reperdol, serequoll. Problem is I never followed through with treatment and became more involved with self medicating.

My drug of choice is opiates. They relieve my symptoms but life sucks an addict is difficult. My thought was why not use if I'm gonna feel like **** anyway. I haven't donrpe heroin in almost 2 years. From 2011 to 2014 I was drinking about 15 beers a day so I wouldn't have to feel so up and downb but I drank so much I started into delusion. I have additional threads but I made this one because many big polar people have substance abuse. I'm so happy I found this site.

I rather just follow one thread then a whole bunch. I found some images and I was wondering it anyone else was able too do that. I Started using moodtracker.com which I think is a very good site because of the diaries you can keep daily. I have a therapist which I go to twice a week and a pdoc which I go to every month.

PRESCRIPTIONS TAKING- XANAX 2 MG AS NEEDED, Subutex 2mg

My doctor also put me on Zoloft, but I'm scared because people have had bad experiences on it. He also put me on ability, which I heard is really expensive. I go back to him in a couple of weeks. maybe Zoloft would be good for me. who knows, since November no delusions. I think the isolation is whats making me feel like this. If your isolating all the time and you have to teach your body by taking baby steps. Some days I'm so depressed I can even shower it shave.. on moon tracker I set my goal this month to brush my teeth everyday, and I havent missed a day.

The brain, I found this very interesting

tmp_ImgPet-1545200187.jpgtmp_bipolar-brain-1571038493.jpgtmp_innerviews-11856339912.jpg

[LaborIntensive]

Big polar?

Hi, I'm so glad you've posted this thread. I knew right off that you're sumpthin' special...just an intuition, or maybe experience from being on other forums. I understand that you have a lot going on. A lot of challenges. *Please check your PM's.

As for the Zoloft - give it a try. Seriously, it might be really helpful for you. As for Abilify...it didn't do jack for me & I haven't heard great things about it, BUT it might be just thing med for you. What kind of insurance do you have...how do you pay for medical stuff? Because every American really is able to get insured now. Also, the drug companies have programs that get your med for you at no cost. For example, before I had insurance I was getting my Seroquel free through a program I easily signed up for with Astra Zeneca. Without that program, my Seroquel would've cost $350/month.

Did you discuss your paranoia issue with your p-doc? If you did, I'm wondering why he didn't suggest an anti-psychotic. And now I'm gonna PM you~

[Rose76]

I'm sorry you are having to struggle so much. It sounds like it's been real tough going for you.

I've taken hydrocodone sometimes just to try and ease the depression. I seem to feel better mentally when I take it, even though that's not what it's for. I've been tried on a bunch of different meds for depression and bipolar that didn't do anything for me. I'm convinced the doctors are stumbling around in the dark, not knowing what they are doing. I don't really believe in psych drugs anymore.

I think social anxiety and isolation can ruin a person's life. When that happens, I don't think all the drugs in the world can undo the damage. Drinking and misusing drugs gets to seem like an escape. I didn't get to far into either of those habits. It just leads to feeling sicker. I do understand how desperation can lead to trying anything.

When it gets so hard to do basic things like brushing your teeth, that is miserable. I know because that's how I get. There is just no explaining it to anyone who hasn't been through it.

[tryinghard973]

history and symptoms
age 10-15

I was always a slacker in school. I transferred from catholic to public schools in fourth grade. I had trouble with attention, focus, concentration and more. I use to get headaches so my mom yptook me to a neurologist where I was diagnosed ADHD.

RITALIN

I was put on 10 mg a day angle they upped it and I seemed fine. My piers would tell me that it was pretty much speed so we started sniffing it along with drinking. I've heard many cases where people have died from that so I consider myself lucky.
That was my first drug even before smoking weed. My mom always blames my addiction on those ritalin, but she was only trying too help. I was always the life of the party. I come from an Italian family and always dated my high school sweetheart, I'm just writing this to give you a clear picture. I stopped taking Ritalin because I just didn't think I needed it

Couple articles on ADHD and ritalin

The Ritalin Explosion | PBS - Medicating Kids | FRONTLINE | PBS

Are children who take Ritalin for ADHD at greater risk of future drug abuse? -- ScienceDaily

This is just the start of a debilitating mental illness and addiction. I hope mothers don't make the mistake of giving their children diagnoses really fast. I am no doctor, I'm writing this so I can see how much damage I have done to mysel and if I can help one person then that's awesome. If you have any questions, or helpful advice I'm all for it. With dual diagnoses, in my case, mental illness and addictilpon, it just destroys families. It sure has done it to mine.

[hvert]

I agree with you re: isolation. I somehow let that happen to me last year and the amount of effort it feels like it takes to get dressed to go out and interact with people is mind boggling. Like you said, though -- baby steps! I started by just exposing myself to the outside world by attending free lectures/events that didn't require talking to anyone.

[Rose76]

I commend you for looking back on the treatment you got as child with some skepticism. Despite all you've gone through, you are trying to look at your past analytically and critically. I don't have much faith in neurologists. As doctors go, I don't think they are the brightest. Those articles you put links to were very interesting. I agree that slapping that ADHD diagnosis on kids and feeding them a form of speed has gotten out of hand.

If a kid is having problems at school and falling behind his peers, it's easier to say that there must be something wrong with the kid's brain than to look at what is going on in the kid's family. Take a pill sounds like a quick fix. If you had social anxiety and tended to isolate, that was probably more the source of your stress than some disease of your brain that no one can prove you had.

The problems you are having now with isolation probably have their roots in childhood. If you managed to have a steady sweetheart in high school, you must have had an ability to connect emotionally with others. There was probably a lot that was right with you that didn't get to blossom fully.

The substance abuse magnifies all other problems. You seem to have a clear recognition that this has taken over your life. It gets harder and harder to turn that around, as you don't need me to tell you. Relying on doctors for help gets disappointing. All they can really do is write you a prescription for this and that. So they send that parade of medications through your life. Getting medical treatment makes sense, if you have a medical problem. Maybe you're basic problem was never medical in the first place. I know some people won't appreciate me saying that. I've come to that conclusion about my own situation. Depression in a person with a long history of social isolation will never be corrected by pills. Sometimes I think there is more and better help for substance abuse than there is for depression. There are programs out there that get you in with a group of other people where you do things together. Maybe you've tried that already. Some of these programs are not well advertised. Anything that gets you going out of the house at least several times a week to meet with others would probably do you some good.

[Victoria'smom]

ever after that I became worse. (talking about being on Ritalin) that is usually the first sign that what's wrong is an ADHD look a like. Adhd look a likes are usually child mood disorders, autism spectrum disorders, learning disabilities or anxiety disorders. When that happens medication is supposed to be stopped and a full evaluation is supposed to be done. I'm sure it wasn't with you and it isn't done with most but have you thought that your bipolar may have been with you for a lot longer then you think?

[tryinghard973]

My background and History
ages 20-29

Addiction
I was never one to like smoking or any drugs. I would look at people smoking weed and say so myself, how could they do that. For me it was getting caught up in the wrong crowd. My opinion is you can raise a child with love and values but if they get caught up in the wrong crowd peer pressure sets in. So started smoking and going to the club limelight. If nobody has seen this documentary about new Yorks club scene I highly reccomend it. This is where I picked up extasy, special k, cocaine. I think all these drugs played a big part in why my big polar became worse. Its only my opinion. This is not a drug thread, this is my history of how I went to rehabs, my section from 29-36 is where the mental health comes in. Check video at bottom of page.

At around 24, I def knew I had mood swings but I used drugs to cope. I never was working, I can say I always had my high school girlfriend and she even told me that my thinking was off at times. She stuck in there with me. So I went to inpatient rehabs but I would always relapse. It was just my mood was so out ta whack, I never thought to myself that at 36 I would have been in 5 hospitals and on disability.

So at around 27, I always worked for my father. So I never really had to be on time. I just never had a structured life. My girlfriend was a full time teacher and she was very close to my family so I decided to get engaged. If I only could turn the clocks back and tell mysel, think about your future. Don't mess this up. So I was still addicted and I cheated on her so much. I did love her. Anyway she caught me cheating on her and this is where my life spun out of control. My next section will be the last about my history.

[Rose76]

I can see what you mean about getting into a crowd and following where it takes you. That is not something that you can pin on your family. I suppose it could happen to anyone, regardless of their family.

It's amazing what went on in those clubs. I've never been exposed to an environment where I could quickly and easily access hard core drugs. Had I been given that exposure, there are times when, under the stress of severe depression/anxiety, that I might have tried anything. Instead, I only used alcohol because that's all that was around me. Luckily for me, excess drinking always made me terribly sick.

Sorry you lost what sounds like a really good relationship.

[Altered Moment]

Lol I hear ya. Please post on my thread. I'm doing it in sections. I'm 36 and still live with my parents. You have great advice so I wanna hear what u have to say, hey maybe we can help someone out. My therapy session went good. Last night I took a pen of zyprexa, very little dose and I woke up with no paranoia or anxiety. I'm now seeing how big polar I am. Ever since I joined mood tracker I can really see my moods. I can actually feel when my mood change is coming on. I cycle so fast.

I am on your thread now. Like I said in the other thread you are doing great. I am glad that mood tracker is helping you. I keep a mood log on my computer every day. When I go into see my pdoc I just hand him my mood log. It really really helps and he likes it too. I can't remember how I was doing last week. The last month becomes a big blur. I get in there and can't remember all the things I wanted to talk about. I put everything in the mood log, he reads it, and then we talk about it. I have a great pdoc. He gives me meds and we switch things around but he is much more than that to me. He is like a therapist too.

If you can keep a mood log, or print out from mood tracker, or even copy and paste your posts from in here and print them, then bring it to your therapist and pdoc it will really help.

[Rose76]

Wow, zinco, I wish I had your doctor.

[tryinghard973]

History and my first break
ages 29-36

After my break up I decided to go get help I was drinking, anything to self medicate. I went to a dual diagnosed program and given adderall. The first day I took it I would get nervous, anxiety, sex addicted, all these symptoms. I came home and syarted abusing them and literally went crazy. I thought the government was after me, I was convinced was being followed. It still had me motivated, that's why I still took it.
I ended up in the hospital, my first day there, I was hallucinating horribly.
Aderall Xr
tmp_images-1-867654270.jpeg
This is only my opinion. I know that I was Big Polar but I think the stimulants did permanent damage. I lost weight dude to not eating. I was down to 140 lbs. I would go would not even need to sleep. I was hallucinating but I never thought about the damage it could do. I just wish this came to my mind back then but we can't turn back the clock

tmp_images-21057244856.jpeg
In just saw this and I'm reaaly debating whether to get a scan or not. So I stopped adder all for about 3 years. Its so easy get to the med. Again, this is my opinion, don't go on this drug if you wanna stay up for a test lol, and Im not being hypocritical, I know I was abusing it, it works different on everyone. This is just my experience

2008-2014 symptoms
I lost my license for 2 years for DWI, I finally got it back this year. I was so depressed. Also using most of the time. I went in patient many times after my abuse. I struggle with self medicating myself because the depression is horrible, I hate looking into the mirror, I'm guilty because I come from a good family. I would go to outpatient treatment but I never cared. The older I became the less I cared. I never asked myself to think of my future. I now collect disability for my big polar diagnoses. So that's my history.

Medications I have taken:
prozac,laruda,risperdol,geodon,Zoloft,wellbutrin,sereqel,Ritalin,
adderall,depakote,xanax,ativan,diazapam,lithium,saphriss etc...

I remember how some of the above meds didn't really agree with me. I didn't give some of them enough time to really noticed anything.

Depakote-really put tons of weight on me
Geodon- made me feel horrible, such anxiety, couldn't sit still
Latuda-never gave it long enouph at 80mg, felt bad at times
Adderall-evil, only my experience
Lithium-kinda felt like a zombie, plus all the blood checking
Xanax-yes benzos have been the only relieving med for me so far

Benzos always do a good job with my symptoms, in the passed I abused then buy I really haven't abused them. I only use them in a social situation. Some anti pychs made my body still, where they had to give me shots of benadryl to stop it. So far I take xanax.I also recreationally use bupe. I know its the one thing I need to work on.

Summary
I finally realize I have to something about this before I'm 40 and sitting in front of the TV. I hope this article can help some people as well. My depression is the worst symptom besides anxiety. I wanna eventually get a job, I isolate so much which isn't good. I'm setting little goals for myself to create structure in my life

Please is anyone can relate to this, feel free to join in at anytime.

[littlemiss44]

I am a recovering alcoholic. Almost three years. I've been depressed for as far back as I remember. I started drinking at age 16 and never looked back. Self medicated to the fullest. I suffered with depression for 7 years before I was hospitalized in 2004 and finally found out I was really suffering from bp. Yet I still continued to drink till I got drunk. I needed that fix. I now realize that the depression was so bad that I drank to try and be happy. Anything to end the suffering I felt deep inside. Then I started to have health problems due to my drinking on my psych meds. Now I live a sober life. I find the depression to be debilitating and I'm on ssd because of it. I have bp2, anxiety, depression and bpd. Somedays I miss the high that drinking gave me but I know it only made my illness worse. I wish I could just be normal and have a good job rather than a limited income. But I guess I just need to be at peace with how things are. I'm so sorry for what you've gone thru. Addiction is a horrible monster. Try and stay positive. Sounds like you have a good family so be thankful you have them. My family is so dysfunctional and a total mess. They don't care about me or my illness. I know they are very sick people but that still doesn't take the sting out of it. Embrace yr loved ones. I hope yr doing ok.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[Altered Moment]

I have not read this whole thread. I am responding to a question you posed in another thread and i know you want us to post here so....

My advice is to stop the recreational use of sub. You know you are an addict. The idea is to get clean and sober. And I know how hard it is. I needed a lot of help. Maybe you can't leave the house because of mental health issues to get to meetings. That happens to me a lot with depression. I know you know about NA and AA. I can't tell you what to do or know what is best for you. I don't pretend to know what is best for you I surely not god or any all knowing being....lol

But I can tell you that AA and NA saved my life and kept me clean and sober. I tried for years to quit on my own....no bueano. I can suggest that maybe it would help you.
__________________

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by littlemiss44

I am a recovering alcoholic. Almost three years. I've been depressed for as far back as I remember. I started drinking at age 16 and never looked back. Self medicated to the fullest. I suffered with depression for 7 years before I was hospitalized in 2004 and finally found out I was really suffering from bp. Yet I still continued to drink till I got drunk. I needed that fix. I now realize that the depression was so bad that I drank to try and be happy. Anything to end the suffering I felt deep inside. Then I started to have health problems due to my drinking on my psych meds. Now I live a sober life. I find the depression to be debilitating and I'm on ssd because of it. I have bp2, anxiety, depression and bpd. Somedays I miss the high that drinking gave me but I know it only made my illness worse. I wish I could just be normal and have a good job rather than a limited income. But I guess I just need to be at peace with how things are. I'm so sorry for what you've gone thru. Addiction is a horrible monster. Try and stay positive. Sounds like you have a good family so be thankful you have them. My family is so dysfunctional and a total mess. They don't care about me or my illness. I know they are very sick people but that still doesn't take the sting out of it. Embrace yr loved ones. I hope yr doing ok.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

I totally relate to you. My depression has been so bad I am applying for SSI. I hope I get it. I have worked my whole life but now I just can't at least not full time year round, no way. I have been clean and sober 18 years but it did not help my depression.

You say you are a recovering alcoholic. Can I ask you how you got sober and stayed sober? I know how I did it. I am curious to know how other people with dual diagnosis have done it.

[littlemiss44]

I wish you all the luck in the world in getting ssdi. If you've worked alot and have lots of documentation you will get it. Make sure you get a lawyer. The way I stopped drinking was with the help of aa...and realizing that I was only making my depression worse by my drinking. The fact that I am on psych meds also helped me stop. Using any substance while on these meds makes them not work therefore makes the illness unbearable. Have you stopped working altogether? How do you stay sober?

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[tryinghard973]

MOODTRACKER.COM

https://www.moodtracker.com/index.php

Site I use for my moodtracking

Does anyone else use this site?
What do you think about moodtracking apps or websites?
Do find journaling useful?

I would love to hear some opinions on how other people are coping.

[tryinghard973]

Bi Polar and family
This is the most challenging part for my condition. My parents csant stand me anymore. The have been very different with me. My mom even told me to game a smile sometimes, but how can you when you don't even want to get out of bed. I wish they can spend just one day in my body and see what its like. I'm 36, and I don't expect her to baby me but at leads talk in an sensative way. She's always yelling at me, I'm pretty much alone and I guess I have to do this all by myself. Heres a few links, how they can effect a family. I just with my mom would read up on it a little but she has so much anger in her because of the addiction part.

Tips for Parenting with a Mental Illness | Psych Central

/ http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/957297/perfect-chaos-one-familys-struggle-with-bipolar-disorder

[tryinghard973]

FAMILY TRAUMA #2 (Help)

My family is just pure chaos right now and my mind just can't deal with it sometimes. Its like I am always the problem. My mother has had it with me, I don't think I will ever have a good relationship with her. She just doesn't understand what this is like. She says I don't have a problem, the only problem I have is drugs. That's ******** to an extent. Yes, I have embarrassed her by using and she always tried to help. I am 36 and still live with my mom and dad but its so disfunctional. I really thought I would be getting a little more feedback from you guys. It really breaks my heart that she thinks that I'm doing this for attention or something. Today was bad because my family had a big argument about this whole situation and they kicked me out. God I wish I can turn back time. I'm so guilty when I am around her because, she doesn't see her son, she sees a hop less, junky, paranoid whos life is in a downward spiral.

My sisters husbands grandmother just past away and I have to go to the visiting tomorrow. This is all I'm thinking about. People are gonna see that I'm on edge just because of my body movement. I've been without delusions since November and the symptoms always come on in april, first its the paranoia. Do you guys know how many times I have to change me credit cards or passwords on the computer because I think they are always watching me or saying to theirselves, look at what my sons become. My father just got diagnosed with liver cancer and he still drinks. My mother takes care of my uncle, who has also, which is a horrible disease. And its like they can careless about my sickness. I feel selfish for even bringing it up with them because they get sick and tired of it. My therapist said its not a good environment for me. My depression is so bad that I would rather change positions with my uncle who can hardly mood. At least he knows he's gonna die. Can anyone relate to this? I really need you guys right now. I think I'm too hard on myself. I've been going to stores, just trying to be around people and I'm fine. moodtracker.com, is really helping me with my goals. I don't want to not trust people anymore. I just want to be able to live humbly. My therapist said after I accomplish my goals in April, its time to start groups, I have this little seed in me that has to grow into the person I am happy with.

Thread #18-- How do you guys cope?

[Victoria'smom]

I'm sorry I just saw this now. Quite honestly even a shelter sounds better. I would go to catholic charities, community action and department of human services to find out your options. Department of human services actually has a packet of avalible resources if you ask for it. I'm sorry this is happening to you, I know how painful it is to go through that. You really need to think about getting an antipsychotic PRN before leaving.

[tryinghard973]

Ssoo funny younsay that, my next thread will be about that. I'm taking a med approach with my therapist. Its so hard to find the right medication and diagnoses. Also being 100% honest with my therapist.

Sorry to hear it's going so rough.
I can relate to what you said there. The trading places thing. It wasn't even so much a change places per se, as thinking, it isn't right -- her (neighbor) having this thing yet wanting so much to live, and I so much didn't want to.
Getting out and being around people is great, good for you! You can do it at the visiting too, you really can. I just sense it. And remember, people don't notice as much as we think they do. And especially at that sort of event, their minds will be preoccupied with their own thoughts.

And thanks, btw, for the mood chart link. I've been meaning to check some of them out (had done a DIY one, but a new approach may be in order). I got way out of the habit of keeping one, and lately it's become pretty clear that it's time to do so again. Oh. And thanks also for the link on parenting/MI. Very timely. There's a lot in there, so I'll have to check it out more fully. There's always been the challenges of doing it as the person with MI, but it's even more in mind as just a couple nights ago in talking with my son (young adult) that he's showing symptoms that suggest he might also have BP. We'll see.

In terms of coping, this may sound weird, because there's so much that's not funny, but…. a sense of humor. Ummm, let's see... Not over-focusing on negative things. Like… in talking the other night. Yes, this was some serious discussion, serious topic. Could've gotten mired in it. But that's not all there is to either of us. We also had lighter discussion, music and laughs and stuff too. Balance. Seeing the whole person, the bigger picture, whatever.

[canada58]

Originally Posted by tryinghard973

history and symptoms
age 10-15

I was always a slacker in school. I transferred from catholic to public schools in fourth grade. I had trouble with attention, focus, concentration and more. I use to get headaches so my mom yptook me to a neurologist where I was diagnosed ADHD.

RITALIN

I was put on 10 mg a day angle they upped it and I seemed fine. My piers would tell me that it was pretty much speed so we started sniffing it along with drinking. I've heard many cases where people have died from that so I consider myself lucky.
That was my first drug even before smoking weed. My mom always blames my addiction on those ritalin, but she was only trying too help. I was always the life of the party. I come from an Italian family and always dated my high school sweetheart, I'm just writing this to give you a clear picture. I stopped taking Ritalin because I just didn't think I needed it

Couple articles on ADHD and ritalin

The Ritalin Explosion | PBS - Medicating Kids | FRONTLINE | PBS

Are children who take Ritalin for ADHD at greater risk of future drug abuse? -- ScienceDaily

This is just the start of a debilitating mental illness and addiction. I hope mothers don't make the mistake of giving their children diagnoses really fast. I am no doctor, I'm writing this so I can see how much damage I have done to mysel and if I can help one person then that's awesome. If you have any questions, or helpful advice I'm all for it. With dual diagnoses, in my case, mental illness and addictilpon, it just destroys families. It sure has done it to mine.

I have pretty much gone through most of the same things that you did, unfortunately it was later on. As of right now I have just been diagnosed with bipolar and substance abuse addiction. I thought I had hit 'rock bottom' several times when i was younger, I had a pretty insane cocaine addiction, which was followed by others. Now I have seen everything in my life come crashing down around me like I never thought was possible. I am currently addicted to ritalin and alcohol. And, I am awaiting treatment. That's what brought me to this site the other day. I'm terrified. And really don't know what to do next. It was nice to see that anyone has gone through anything similar though. Thank you for your posts!

[canada58]

Originally Posted by tryinghard973

History and my first break
ages 29-36

After my break up I decided to go get help I was drinking, anything to self medicate. I went to a dual diagnosed program and given adderall. The first day I took it I would get nervous, anxiety, sex addicted, all these symptoms. I came home and syarted abusing them and literally went crazy. I thought the government was after me, I was convinced was being followed. It still had me motivated, that's why I still took it.
I ended up in the hospital, my first day there, I was hallucinating horribly.
Aderall Xr
Attachment 4136
This is only my opinion. I know that I was Big Polar but I think the stimulants did permanent damage. I lost weight dude to not eating. I was down to 140 lbs. I would go would not even need to sleep. I was hallucinating but I never thought about the damage it could do. I just wish this came to my mind back then but we can't turn back the clock

Attachment 4137
In just saw this and I'm reaaly debating whether to get a scan or not. So I stopped adder all for about 3 years. Its so easy get to the med. Again, this is my opinion, don't go on this drug if you wanna stay up for a test lol, and Im not being hypocritical, I know I was abusing it, it works different on everyone. This is just my experience

2008-2014 symptoms
I lost my license for 2 years for DWI, I finally got it back this year. I was so depressed. Also using most of the time. I went in patient many times after my abuse. I struggle with self medicating myself because the depression is horrible, I hate looking into the mirror, I'm guilty because I come from a good family. I would go to outpatient treatment but I never cared. The older I became the less I cared. I never asked myself to think of my future. I now collect disability for my big polar diagnoses. So that's my history.

Medications I have taken:
prozac,laruda,risperdol,geodon,Zoloft,wellbutrin,sereqel,Ritalin,
adderall,depakote,xanax,ativan,diazapam,lithium,saphriss etc...

I remember how some of the above meds didn't really agree with me. I didn't give some of them enough time to really noticed anything.

Depakote-really put tons of weight on me
Geodon- made me feel horrible, such anxiety, couldn't sit still
Latuda-never gave it long enouph at 80mg, felt bad at times
Adderall-evil, only my experience
Lithium-kinda felt like a zombie, plus all the blood checking
Xanax-yes benzos have been the only relieving med for me so far

Benzos always do a good job with my symptoms, in the passed I abused then buy I really haven't abused them. I only use them in a social situation. Some anti pychs made my body still, where they had to give me shots of benadryl to stop it. So far I take xanax.I also recreationally use bupe. I know its the one thing I need to work on.

Summary
I finally realize I have to something about this before I'm 40 and sitting in front of the TV. I hope this article can help some people as well. My depression is the worst symptom besides anxiety. I wanna eventually get a job, I isolate so much which isn't good. I'm setting little goals for myself to create structure in my life

Please is anyone can relate to this, feel free to join in at anytime.

You have no idea how much I appreciated reading this. I've felt pretty hopeless about everything lately, and though I'm definitely not at hopeful yet, you sure made me think twice about what I am doing to myself. Thank you.