I dont know what to do right now. I got overwhelmed by making breakfast and taking my meds, I had to call a crisis support line to help me take my meds!

My pdocs say I should be in hospital (voluntarily). My supports say it is up to me. The problem is I have a big wedding to go to this weekend. Its 5 hours away and my partner and I were going to make a holiday of it. I am so stressed about that, not to mention the work, uni and horse stuff some of which I HAVE to do today but I just cant stop bawling.

My mood has been consistantly under 3/10 for a month, I have crying spells every day, I am behind in the housework and have trouble feeding myself. Work, uni and horse commitments are being left and I NEVER EVER leave my horse commitments, I feel so guilty. I dont know what to do.

Just so stressed and after my latest blood results I know that is super super bad for me.

[healingme4me]

Priority, is you, which includes attending the wedding. It is a wedding you want to attend, I presume?

Very well cannot show up, in tears. That's part of taking care of you.

Horses are about you, as well.

Uni...what's your workload looking like? Anything about the classes, upsetting, for you?

How can you break down this week, day by day, to have an enjoyable holiday with your partner? What about housework can wait? What needs prioritizing?

Remember to breathe and be gentle on yourself.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Thanks. Its still overwhelming me. Its like Im not strong enough to cope with anything.

horse - need to message the farrier today, cant do that til I get the number which is on a phone with no battery and I cant find the charger. So that lead to an almost panic attack.

Uni - need to call the disability people before Thursday, so I guess that can wait one more day.

Work need to call 3 people ASAP to discuss a future course for my career. This is very important. One of the phone numbers is also on the dead phone.

Housework - dishes are the only thing that I have to do but I dont trust myself with the glass and knives.

I tried to meditate but just end up crying. I feel too physically unbalanced to do yoga (does anyone else get that symptom??). I sat out in the sun for a while, I watched the horses and pet the dog. Im so so tired. My pdocs say its anxiety to the point I start passing out.

I keep taking deep breathes but I feel suffocated.

Personally, I'd be inclined to skip the wedding.
Here follows my thinking and quirks if I were in your shoes.(YMMV, of course):
It's a fair bit of driving.
Even when I'm doing ok, I tend to really stress over "getting ready".
Everything always takes longer than I think it will. Which stresses me out big time.
There always seems to be more decisions to make than there should be in packing. When depressed, I'd get gold in the Indecision Olympics.
Oh, and people. Isolating might not be good, but for me, that would be too much.

When I'm feeling like you describe, it's a big deal to get to the shower, let alone the wedding. (LOL. Sorry, couldn't resist bad joke. Still, it's true.)

Is the draw of the wedding the wedding itself or having a holiday? If it's the holiday aspect, could you maybe do something sized-down and closer?

You are totally right innerzone, I havent showered in 3 days, and there are 3 days worth of rubbish and dishes around. If I cant cope with this, how will I cope with the holiday?

My partner is so excited for the time off. He says he totally supports my decision to go to hospital if thats what I think I need. But he would be disappointed. As would the bride, I've seen how much effort she's put in to this. I really do want to go to the wedding and celebrations and go back to that town and have a ball but realistically I see it being very anxiety provoking and there will be a lot of faking it on my part (which my partner sees right though and then his mood gets affected). THats if I make it through without the daily crying spells...

My friend made lunch for me and we played a board game. Life seemed not so bad for a few hours but now all the pressure of what I *should* have been doing or done today has rolled on back. And now also I am alone. I expect my partner soon but I am so ashamed of the state of the house, he will help but I hate that he thinks he is my butler. Thats kinda why I want to be taken out of his hands, I am not capable of caring for myself.

I just keep thinking 2 more nights and we'll be down south stress free... but will I really be stress free? Cos there aint no way any of my needs are getting done in my current state. And if I dont take this work and uni opportunity I am in the crap. And I 'll have to be social with family and with people down there. It all does seem like a big stressful event now I think about it.

Everyone I talk to about it says its up to me. But I have had a lot of people cautioning that weddings are important events and not to be missed. Im so torn.

Partner and some friends are convinced a few days away is all I need to be feeling better. I wish it was that simple, I bloody hope it is if Im suffering through these days needlessly. 2 more nights. I can do it but how will i effect those around me? My partner has already done the dishes and is starting on dinner cos I just start crying at the thought of it. The food is not to my dietry needs but I cant really complain having him done so much for me. I hate that he has to look after me, I hate being incapable.

I dont know what I am going to do about uni and stuff cos I broke it down today into little piles and was overwhelmed at the first hurdle. I cant even breathe when I think of it.

I guess I've pretty much decided that we are going on the trip, and I just have to keep it together best I can til then. But is that worth giving up the career and uni opportunities?? Ugh no.

[lacerta]

Can you buy a new charger, that could solve the phone problems at least. The messy home doesn't matter if you're going for holiday, so that's the last to worry about. I which you get better soon!

Yeah I managed to find the charger last night, so the phone is charged up with the numbers in it. I think I can at least manage calling the farrier today.

So far today I have got out of bed, crawled to the computer and thats it. Breakfast seems too overwhelming again, Im about to cry but dont want to start so early cos once I start I dont stop for ages.

My boyfriend, on finding out I had called the crisis line to help me have my morning meds said thats it you are going to hospital, but then somehow back tracked on that and Im still home. He still thinks I need a few days away.

I just dont want this weekend to be ruined by my mood.

[Wander]

I have had a similar dilemma in the past. i chose the event over hospital and it did not go well. I just made a fool of myself in front of many people. Can you keep a mask on for that length of time? If not perhaps going to hospital is the least stressful thing you can do. Having a breakdown in front of a tonne of people is not going to help your situation. It is a tough call and only you know what you can handle right now. Take care.

[Junia]

My two cents about weddings: they are all about the bride and groom, and not about the guests. A year from now they may - MAY - remember that you weren't there, but it's not likely. As for the reason, gosh, flat tire or other car problem, twisted ankle, cat threw up on your clothes. Anything. Unless you are a member of the wedding party, it's an event well worth skipping in order to stabilize.

Ymmv.

Yeah my doctor kept saying if I had a broken leg they wouldnt hold it against me.

As the pressure is on more until my deadlines hit and pass, the need to SH deepens. I have something very specific in a thought loop in my head.

I have the psychotherapy pdoc tomorrow. My guess is that she would suggest hospital again... I just really dont want to let my partner down. He wanted to do so much on his time off. He says if I need to go to hospital he will be supportive but then many of my friends say that I'll be fine once I go away and weddings are so important.

Who else has had experiences? It might help convince me either way.

Mood is a little better today although I still have the very specific thought about SH and I cant get it out of my head, not even out of my dreams. I found my partner had disposed of my razors but if I was desperate enough I could find some. But I dont want to be. Long day ahead now. Chemist, pdoc, then visiting my mum for the day. Feels full on to me and the SH thought comes back. First challenge is breaky and meds....

Not sure if I should bother to keep posting but it helps me. So feel free to ignore as I imagine many will.

Caffeine high last night, I haven't slept for over 40 hours. I was not consciously looking to induce a high but my mood was better today. I'm not tired, wired, racing thoughts but positive thoughts. I layed awake in bed for 4 hours last night, just watching and being entertained by my thoughts. We had a long drive today and I would say 70% of the time I was conversing happily or daydreaming watching my racing thoughts. The othet30% of the time I was ruminating but every time I noticed it, I challenged and redirected thoughts.

Physically I am in quite a bit of pain , whole body. I know it needs rest and zero caffeine!

The wedding is tomorrow and I'm feel positive but waiting for the crash as I am well aware this could be anxious energy that will burn out so I hope I don't crash too hard

[avlady]

i definately think you need a hospital stay to stabelize. you sound really stressed especially about the wedding, like someone mentioned you don't want to make a fool of yourself by breaking down at a wedding. i am even sure if you ever had to explain yourself about not being there just even tell them the truth and say you were too stressed. you have a lot going on. i also know what it is like to get behind on housework, i worry about it every day and it is great your partner helps out. my husband gives me alot of help too. well i hope you feel better soon!!!

Originally Posted by Supanova

Not sure if I should bother to keep posting but it helps me. So feel free to ignore as I imagine many will.

By all means -- post away as long as it is helping you!
Whenever you decide to post, when I'm able to get on PC, I will be reading, you can be assured of that.
Wishing for you a good little getaway vacation and that all goes well.

[Nammu]

Hope you can sleep tonight or did sleep(I have trouble with the time zones), that the wedding goes well and you can get home to take care of you. Not disappointing other people shouldn't get in the way of taking care of your health- not that ever doesn't happen to the rest of us, yeah.

Got some sleep last night ( took meds to help) and feel not so bad today. The ocd is less distressing today. We got through the wedding, it's now it's just the reception to get through next and I am confident. My partner is going to keep an eye on me and my drinking/med use. He is being super helpful and supportive.

[quasicrystalline]

I hope the wedding goes well and that you continue to sleep!

Thanks so much guys, it was a help knowing I had these little supporters in my pocket.

I got through the wedding reception very successfully. I'd been described as a lot of fun tonight. I drank probably a bit more than I should have (10ish beers) but wasn't silly. I may regret that in the morning.

For some reason on the drive back to our rooms we ( well more my partner) decided we would make the trek home that night. I was disappointed as I was ready to relax and reward myself for getting though the wedding so well. And I had planes to check out some old haunts and visit some mates in the morning. But somehow I got rushed out the door and carted home, we made it in 3 hours - casualties included one skittish fox, a frog, 3 bush mice and narrowly avoided 5 Roos and 3 wallabys (or distinctly marked little Roos? Hard to tell at high speed). We had both had a lot of caffeine and even more on the drive home, so it's now been decided that we'll stay up a bit longer and play very long board games...

Bad decision for my health, I know that right now, but we have zero commitments tomorrow and it's be a ton of fun. And we don't do things like this often.

I'm feeling a bit nausous and weak because I totally went off the low gi diet and off the detox stuff for the day and had my meds really late. I think a game will stop me making myself sick then depressed laying in bed..

Partner is calling now

Ps I lost my journal, may explain long overposting

Partner is not doing things fast enough. He has been fantastic and I should not be so irritated with him for being a little slow. Got headache on top of nausea and chest pain now so definitely thinking this is caffeine induced anxiety.

[Kimba9407]

Been reading your posts as you travel. I was faced with a similar, though not as severe, situation recently when I was supposed to go see my God children with some friends and hubby couldn't go so I would have been on my own. I'm in a major episode of depression and I heeded my therapist's advice to not go but it broke my heart. I wonder how I would have done if I went.

How are you doing today? I hope you got some rest.

[Espurr1989]

Congrats for making it through the hardest part! I hope your day is going well.

Got 10 hours sleep last night, no meds needed, so very very tired today, here comes the caffeine crash. Although my partner just made me a coffee.... He is extremely sweet thinking of me like that but I didnt ask and its not that good for me, I guess he just sees how incredibly tired I am and wants to wake me up a bit.

My mood is about a 4/10 today so not too bad, but the fatigue will be a challenge today. Ants invaded while we were away so we will have to get rid of them, plus the usual clean up. I have a bit of paperwork to do for my horse, I need to go see her too, she had some treatment on the weekend so I want to check out how she is feeling. I have to organise some stuff for uni. Some gardening too. We also have to get a new tyre for the bfs bike, I dont think I should drive this tired though.

I feel like I can do this stuff if I can only get passed breakfast, I am just too tired right now to contemplate it.

Partner really really really does not want me to go to hospital, he says he misses me too much. My mood is improving slightly so maybe I dont need to go, although I still feel extremely stressed, like my heart is getting squeezed and my lungs are blocked. I think it will be a real struggle staying out and a big pressure on him (he is currently watering the garden cos standing is an issue for me and then he will make us breakfast). We could do it but would we be struggling unnecessarily when I have the insurance to go to a clinic?

We're going to talk over breakfast. Sometimes its hard to keep him on topic.

So it was a joint decision to go to a clinic. He is wonderful but I know he is going to burn out and I know he wont realise until it is too late. I am a lot of work at the moment (he says Im not but I need someone with me all the time). Not looking forward to group, they have me on withdrawl watch but not making me do the drug groups. I just want to have my meds and go to sleep.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Supanova

So it was a joint decision to go to a clinic. He is wonderful but I know he is going to burn out and I know he wont realise until it is too late. I am a lot of work at the moment (he says Im not but I need someone with me all the time). Not looking forward to group, they have me on withdrawl watch but not making me do the drug groups. I just want to have my meds and go to sleep.

You should be proud of yourself for managing the weekend so well but I am glad you are in a clinic getting treatment and hope it is helpful. Stay strong and keep us posted.