I'm losing the battle

i am losing the battle. I am sick and tired of this damned disorder that appears to control me more than i control it. i don't want to fight this anymore. i am soooo TIRED of feeling so angry that i feel like i am exploding inside. i have kids so i have to remember that. as everyone always says hey remember u have kids you are not allowed to crash, u are not allowed to be bitter on on the brinks of going insane. forbid the thoughts of ending this misery because of the pain it will cause everyone else. more responsibility on my shoulders. the can'ts and don'ts are driving me to this point of despair. i don't care about no pdoc no freakin' therapist opinion because all they do is add another drug or increase the dose of the ones i am on. WELL GUESS WHAT IDIOT PDOC IT"S NOT WORKING!!!! and i am tired of this whole damned situation. i am tired of people always calling me so we can get together. like HELLO i don't even what to be in my own skin, what the hell makes them think i want them around. i have enough to worry about without having to pretend that i am happy. EVERYTHING SUCKS!!! so what do i do now, does anybody know? should i tell me pdoc that i can't live like this anymore so he can stick me in the psychward for a week so they can pumped me with more meds. then once that ends and i come home will my children be here, or will child protective services become involved. seems much easier to just end this pain than go through that lengthy process.

PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP TRUST ME I FEEL YOUR PAIN I TOO SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE GIVING UP BUT YOU CAN NOT LET BIPOLAR BEAT YOU. CONTINUE TO TAKE YOUR MEDS AND DO RESEARCH. THIS WAS HOW I FOUND THIS SITE . TRYING TO FIND OUT WHY I AM STILL DEPRESSED AND I TAKE MY MEDS LIKE I AM SUPPOSE TO. I FEEL LIKE A TV, STATIONS CONSTANTLY CHANGING. I ALSO HAVE KIDS AND MY 10 YR. OLD IS MY ROCK. SOMETIMES I FALL ASLEEP FROM MY MEDS AND HE TAKES CARE OF ME AND HIS 2 YR. OLD BROTHER. I AM ASLO TIRED BUT MAYBE IF WE CONTINUE TO ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER AND RESEARCH WE CAN DO IT FOR THE KIDS. <font color="orange"> </font> DON'T LET IT BEAT YOU!!!!!!!

Please don't give up!!!! You may feel like you are losing this battle but if you hang in there,take your meds, maybe call the doc or( find a new one) you might just win the war. I know how you feel about not wanting to be here sometimes but there is always another solution. Times are always going to be harder then others and as long as you can remember that, they will eventually start getting better. Do you have someone who can care for your kids if you feel a trip to the hospital comming on? Wish I could help. My husband bought a punching bag and lately it has gotten quite a bit of use!!!!! How long haveyou been diagnosed with bipolar?? Just curious. Hang in there for you and your kids! you can pm me if you would like!!

Please call your pdoc. they need to know that you are hurting this baddly.
This is a fight for survival,
you are worth this struggle!
there are chat rooms here that you can link up with people there are chat rooms all over the net if you goggle them.
People just like you and me are struggling with these same issues all over the world...
know that you are not alone in your suffering...
You are not alone.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

(((((((( faith )))))))))
I feel and agree with your words, thanks for sharing your soul.
I too have been through many dark days(years), near self-extinction, and still question many things, but do know in my heart the magic of loved ones, rather its kids,pets or family, something kept me from making the final exit.
I no longer question, if it was all of that,meds.T's,pdocs or a combo of all, I just know that hanging on was all worth it, and that is coming from a woman that 7yrs ago would have told you differently, for at that time life sucked and there was no getting better.
Please, anyone in your darkest hours, your hardest trials, PLEASE hang in there, go with treatment, and continue through life's journey, it's not all so bad.
Please consider that option.
Love to all,
DE

((((((((( all that are here ))))))))))))))

thank you all for your kind words. the pdoc must've received a vibe from me. His secretary called me to see if i was alright. i told her that i am. she told me that the Pdoc wants to see me this week. we scheduled in for tomorrow.

thank you for your support, it really helped me re-focus.

-agony007

I am glad that your pdoc was paying attention...this is great and wonderful that you will be seen this week.
I wish you wellness.
bizi

I am glad you are going to be able to see your pdoc tomorrow.

Just checking on you, you were in my thoughts today!!! Keep hanging in there.

thank you so much jattitude.

i am feeling much better now. reading back to that post is amazing what i can say and feel when i crash. i see from a different perspective when i am well. i hope u are well. and again i greatly appreciate your support as well as the others who gave me support through that grueling day.

Glad to hear that you are doing well. I am going to the pdoc on the 23rd(I think!!)I think i need something changed with my meds. Been on lithium for 3mo-1200mg & xanax for 3mo for the anxiety, trazodone for 6 mo. for the past few weeks all I have wanted to do is sleep, no interest in anything, kind of sucks!!Feels like I am on a downward spiral trying to catch myself from falling. Life seems like a rollercoaster ride that I can't get off of.I am still new to the whole idea of having bibolar and generalized anxiety, even though I have been dealing with these feelings for as far back as I can remember, is it normal,so to speak, to feel this way?? I am sorry for rambeling on, just confused. shouldn't the meds be working by now???? I don't know...anyways,again I am happy you are doing better

OH Agony I feel your pain...EXACTLY.....I have been reading around here for a while, but had to register to post to you. I feel exactly the same way today. I am crying as I write this. Is this what crashing is all about? Recently I have been started on Lamictal, topamax, zoloft, ambien, and xanax. the xanax knocks me out,(so only take it at bedtime and then not all the time. The ambien knocks me completely out and I see tracers like i am trippin or something. ( not cool for an old gal. Maybe when I was a teen, but not now lol.) I see a mental heath doc, a meds doc, marriage counceling, and read every book I find which all say same damn thing...NOTHING but we dont know. DR says the meds are helping me to think clearer, not in a haze... but the topamax, only make me think clearer about the way I have treated people before and make me more depressed and I think I would rather be more in a haze

Have you ever just wanted to stay in your little hole you ben digging for yourself for years, face down, barely breathing, eyes closed, wondering when the so called merciful God will take you out of the misery and pain?

Ever just wanted to collapse in that hole and never move again and then feel yourself lifted up by a knight in black sexy armor (strong enough to lift my fat ***) and he takes you to a beautiful palace with wispy curtains all around your bed and nurses your woulded psyche and mind back until you are happy again. He brushes your hair, gives you a bath, puts lotion on you all the while not expecting a thing from your wounded brain or body.

After a while you actually can become to feel as if someone really loves you for you this time...not because you have a vagina, not because you have kids together, not because you cook good. But because they can feel in their heart every tear that ever runs down your face and it hurts them too.

So you fall madly, deeply in love with this unselfish, caring person. And we all live happily ever after. So there it is people. The happy ending that makes me more damaged and bitter every day because it will never ever ever ever happen.....faerie tales are like false advertisements to little girls i should sue disney for trauma

I am in the same position. I am crashing today off of about a month of mania. I make really poor decisions, spend to much money and then when I crash I am depressed about my actions. I never feel like being on the phone, even when manic. This is the worst crash I've ever had. For the first time, without fear, I had thoughts of ending it because I'm so tired. Tired of the bed, feeling lazy and beating myself up. Tired of hating myself and feeling ugly. I will say, I tend to stop taking my meds when I feel good, or have a relapse (have 9 months sobriety now, longest ever). My dual diagnosis has kicked my but for over 20 years. I have had periods of level headedness and when I crash I just want to feel that way. I wish I had encouraging words, but today its comforting to know I'm not alone which makes a difference. I had found an outlet for a while making videos and posting them on you tube. Not into it right now. Sometimes an outlet helps, it did for a while when I was into it.

Today I've crashed. Worst ever. The sad part is when I'm manic I know that the crash will be coming. First I was in the fetal position and didn't want to get out of bed, crying, feeling overwhelmed with everything. I have many incomplete projects in the house, and have not had any desire to work in the yard - nothing. I do the bare minimum to feel somewhat normal and human. All I do is look around and see the results of my disease. I will say, for me, when I stay in an attitude of gratitude and for some reason am able to stop my negative thinking I am good - even, level. It really does work, better than meds. I am in recovery and finding spirituality. Problem is my mood swings keep me from being consistent. I feel really bad because of my actions today, before I got sad I was a maniac and it dirupts my home. My partner had to grab me and say this behavior is unacceptable (we have had much counseling and are both in recovery) I have made a little progress, but set backs like this do me in and leave me hopeless. Today ending it all seemed like my only escape. I just want to recapture those moments of clarity and feeling good. I started me meds again so hopefully I will get back. By the way, thats allot of meds. I am on Lamectial and Welbutrin. Used to take Topamax, Zyprexa, then Risperdal - always a mood stablizer with anti-depressent.

I hope you feel better soon. My crashes seem to last for lesser amounts of time, I think my program helps in that area. But it still miserable.

Wow, happysad... I'm sorry to hear about your crash... I went there a few times, and I hope I never go back.

It's so hard to acheive the balance that can help us lead a semi-normal life. Exercise, nutrition, sleep, taking out meds as directed, working with our pdoc to find the right mix of meds. And that's not including all the other things we have to do--family, home, friends, jobs, school.... it can get to be too much to manage really quickly!

I hope you can talk to your pdoc soon... I hope that you can stay safe until you can get an appointment. If things get bad, please go to the hospital... I had to do that once when I crashed. It was really hard, but it was one of the best things I ever did. While I was waiting to get in, I hung out here at PC... there are lots of people who will help take care of you!

Be safe,
DJ

(((18yearsdead))))

i am so sorry that you are hurting so much. i know all about those feelings. partners can understand what u are going through unless they themselves have lived it. but there are people here in this forum who can understand us. i am glad u registered. you can always find me in the chatroom if u are comfortable with chatting. i am mood swinging all over the place. currently on 6 meds, ativan .5mg,seroquel 300mg,depakote 500mg, wellbutrin 300mg, effexor 150mg, artane .2. i take topamax for my migraines. pdoc is gonna chnage me from seroquel to abilfy. i am hoping that will help stabalize my moods. you can om me anytime.

warmest wishes,
agony

This sounds really hard.....hang in there.
It sounds like you have realized that you need to stay on the meds...we cycle faster and more often with each set back we have...so for your future sanity please take your meds.
I am sorry that you have crashed. Have you called your pdoc?
Could you go to the emergency room and be admitted?
Is there someone to saty with you until you feel safer, and sounder?
I wish you some peace today and hope that you are sleeping and better able to face the day.
(((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Agony007,
just wondered if your pdoc changed your meds
and wondered how you are doing?
bizi

i am doing good bizi, thank you so much for your attention. actually they increased the dose of the antidepressant. i am feeling better. less rapid cycling and being very honest with my pdoc now. it has helped tremendously.

I am so glad that you are feeling better.
This is fantastic!
bizi

Great news!!
Good wishes for continued success.
Take care,
DE

((((((((((( agony )))))))))))))