Its never going to get better, is it?

Today my Dad dropped off some old boxes of my stuff.

I found journals from 98-99. The thoughts I wrote were like I could have written them yesterday. I was unmedicated until 2004, yet reading these journals is pretty much exactly how I still feel on medication and in therapy after years and years of trying every thing I could get access to. Yeah sure, there are days where its not so desperately unbearable, but after reading that and realising I have gotten no where just made me crash out again. Currently I have no job, I deferred my studies as my brain is mush from the med changes and my goals seem superficial and fake.

My partner is trying to be nice but I cant bare for him to be nice to me, I cant stand him touching me or cuddling me or comforting me in anyway.

Its been a constant battle since those years, constant battle to fake happy and pretend like its ok so people dont worry about me. I wish it was all over, I dont want to do this anymore.

I didnt realise it had been so long and that the way I had written in my journals has not changed. Even back then I was CBT-ing without knowing it.
Feeling guilty for having so much and still being sad, realising that I am not "right".

Sorry to be depressive, I guess that is just who I am. And who I have been for 17 years. Its never going to change, I am never going to change. I just wish it was taken out of my hands so my partner doesn't hate the memory of me.

I feel the same way. I found my journal from 2007, and the writting in my journal today is worse then my journal in 07'. I feel like nothing has changed either. I'm so done with this feeling.

On a positive note, Sometimes there are good times and maybe you don't write those times in your journal? I know I only notice the bad times. That is when I write depressive poetry, blog entries.

I notice large gapes in my journal, must of had a good week that month, but overall it sucks. I was kinda on the same wavelength a couple of days ago thinking wholly **** it has been 20 years of dealing with this and I am exactly in the same place alone, scared, and tired.

No deed to be "depressive," as we all feel that way sometimes. When we're preoccupied with fighting "The Beast" (what I call depression), it's hard to see an upside to anything. Just remember that these feelings are temporary (after all have BIPOLAR) & our thoughts will change when things start on the upswing again. I know my words are empty from where you're perceiving them, but remember how things have worked out in the past.

As for your partner, don't do their thinking for them. My partner has been on the ferris wheel of emotions with me for 11 years & I feel useless to her when I'm depressed, but it's during those periods when I fail to see just how tolerant & supportive she is. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't stay. I'm sure the same dynamic is present in your relationship.

Take care & try not to let depression, or useless reminiscing of the past beat you. Tomorrow is another day. Having bipolar, we have to remember that what goes down will eventually rise back up.

I don't think those old journals mean you've gotten nowhere or are never going to get better...

You've been fighting with this beast for 17 years you say, 17 BLOODY YEARS you've managed to manage!!!!

This beast is cyclical, and you've gotten through countless cycles over the past 17 years, THAT'S IN*****INGCREDIBLE!!!!

Idk, maybe I'm strange, but I don't think there's anything to get better from, you find out you have this, and you have this.... After all there is no cure, only management.

So IMO, you should be proud of yourself, you may not have come far on the road you had planned, but you've come damn far on the road that counts.

PS. I burn my journals, always have, I don't like reliving shyt.

I like Trippin's advice.

I'm in a weird mood, possibly mixed, or just depressed with a lot of anger....so don't take what I say to heart. But IMO, no it's not going to get much better for any of us. We will all live and die with bipolar.
But we cope. And like the others have said, some days are better than others. We live for the good times, and manage through the bad ones. Take care.

I feel the exact same way.

I am with Trippin on this one 100%

I remember destroying many of my journals, I guess the few that survived were packed up in the constant house moving and missed the destroying festivities.

There is good in there too - but mostly bad and acknowledging the good is mostly fake and never lasts.

I cant deal today. I've meditated, done some craft, attempted to clean (which ended up with me sitting on the floor staring at the mess for about half an hour), watched a tv show that usually is a good distraction but couldnt pay attention to it. I've even resorted to eating a whole easter bunny in one sitting thinking chocolate would lift my mood. None has helped and all I want to do is but that would make my partner really really mad.

I have a lot more I need to do in regards to cleaning, and prepping my horse but it all feels so hard and useless.

It makes me very depressed that this is my life and that all I can do is continue to cope. And it makes me sad and hopeless that so many are in the same boat.

Im tired and crying and I guess the option my pdocs would want me to take right now is prn medication. So then I will be drugged and useless the rest of the day. And probably starving because my partner took my car and I have no food in the house that doesnt require the use of a knife.

Im completely over this and just want it to end.

I ended up burning all my old journals. I would reread them and feel the same way. One day, I was reading them and realized I'm almost intentionally setting myself up to relive my past... Why would I want to do that?
I collected everything and burned it all excluding some poems I really liked. I actually felt.... Relived.

Now when I'm feeling terrible, I write it all out in my notes app on my phone then delete it. I feel much better after I write and I don't have access to read the terrible emotions I was trying to get myself out of. Because if I reread them...I'll feel what my words portray. Pain.

If I write something I feel I'd want to read to my T, I'll email it to myself then delete it from my phone. I hardly write about the good times.

If you want me to be honest, with bipolar you live for today. The downs we feel tomrrow, will be felt again. It's an illness and it goes up then comes back down.

Trippin's post was dead on.

I use to write a lot, from a teenager up until my late 30's, then I stopped writing, I wondered what was the point? I felt like nothing changes or they do in cycles, so what is the point of me writing down my thoughts, for who to look at, myself? I'm 59 now and really nothing has changed very much in the past 30 years or so.

Some times I still get the urge to write, I feel enlightened, but then I stop and ask again, what's the point?

I've been encouraged to write my whole life, from parents to pdocs. They still encourage it.

I wish I had someone who could just come sit with me so I am not so tempted to do any damage but everyone is over me or at work, besides my partner who is at work for another 5 hours so there is no point burdening him with how I feel when there is nothing he can do about it.

I hate that coping is all I can do. Im sick of coping, I want to stop coping and man up and end it so this all stops.

Wish I could come sit with you. I've been there. Hell I still am there. I have wanted to not exist since I was 7 years old. Right now I just take it hour by hour. If I focus on right now right what I'm doing somehow I limp along through my life.

I don't know about you but my most sincere wish is they could fix people like cars. Depressed? Manic? Apathetic? Anything?? Go in for a tuneup, get your lines flushed and you're right as rain. Wouldn't that be wonderful or maybe I'm just a weirdo?

I'm here for the the next 3-4 hours before I actually have to justify my paycheck. Feel free to talk, rant, whatever you need I'm here.

I have no words of wisdom, other than be strong. That is all we can do.

I dont understand why we have to be strong? Why cant they just let us go? I spend more time in depression than anything else despite all I do to stay well. (Those of you that know me know that I have gone above and beyond to treat this yet still feel this way).

This isnt even a depressive phase right now. This is just a distressed situation because I read those journals and realised I will never be normal and life will never be easy.

Because strong people survive. And you CAN survive. I CAN survive. All of us with bipolar experience something that other people without do not know about. And we CAN carry on. Nothing else is an option.

I am saying this with tears in my eyes as I get up after struggling to get my asperger's son to school. And soon I while drive my son with Diabetes 1 to school. And then I go in for a monthly infusion for Tysabri which I take for multiple sclerosis. And then I will take care of my kids for the day, put them to bed and take my meds for Bipolar 1.

And I do this because I am strong as hell. And if you live with bipolar and have to struggle with life then you are strong as hell too.

And you can do it, because I can. And we all can. Because we are bigger and better than the sum of our parts and the problems and illnesses that are part of us. They do not define us. WE define us.

And if you take your meds or do what you can to make yourself better, than you can do it. Like another poster said. You have done it for 17 years. I have done it for years undiagnosed and now 3 years with a diagnosis.

You CAN do it. Said with optimism and love and hope and the belief that people can do anything when they try.

You can do it.

I highly suggest you stop reading them then. We need to do what we can to avoid triggers. This would be one of those times you realize that old journals are a big trigger and you close the pages. These are past emotions from 17 years ago that you are intentionally bringing back to life. I can almost assume you didn't feel near as bad before indulging in a 17year old journal.

Close the pages.

For me .... I was walking myself into a corner constant , this is when my life just exploded and I got my BP badge at age 43.. I thought my life will always suck, I self harmed daily, Always had an exit plan etc.

When I first started Therapy I thought how useless , this wont help me , why bother.. Well with in the first couple months I actually found the root of why I self harmed , later on I found out the root reason I have Anorexia ..On and On as I pulled back layers I found what caused me to do or feel certain ways. it a work in progress , Life is that , a work in progress.

I don't have much advice and I often feel the same way but I want you to know that I appreciate the support and wisdom that you so freely give. I am sorry you are in so much pain.

All i can offer is empathy. ..i know EXACTLEY how you are feeling. Im so so tired myself right now
But thats the great thing about coming here
You are guaranteed to find people who get it completely
Keep posting keep going keep breathing
Keep on keeping on
We are here if you need us

I am so sick tonight. First night I've been left alone, I wish it had happened sooner and I d not been left on a night we knew I'd be triggered by therapy today. Did the right things when I started planning Sui again ... Took the Zyprexa and rang the crisis line but the phone cut out in the weather so I'm hoping they haven't called the police on me again. Waiting for the meds to kick in but I think I'm too sick physically from anxiety probably to sleep, i need to get up in 6 hours. It's nice to finally be alone so I can be the real me instead of having to fake everything but it's anboying to cry so much and I really do feel so sick. Just need some sleep I guess

I completely feel the same way i had a huge realization two nights ago like wow this has been going on forever. I just learned that i was bi polar so to know how long i have had it un diagnosed looking at the past and my cycles was a smack in the face. One hand it was relieving to know that not all the times i was out of control and had total disregard for people in my life were 100 % me but a disease i have instead. On the other hand it was like omg i have a problem how the heck do i fix it where do i go from here. Yes i am seeking help but then i look at my partner and i feel the same way. I am constantly messing our relationship up not thinking just doing. He takes it personally and being "normal" well i guess i wold to and its hard to separate i did it maliciously from no she meaning me has a problem. I know i cant blame every action on my bipolar and i don't want him to either. I just want a balance. I don't want my partner to tip toe around me and worry so much. I fear by asking him to be strong for me knowing he has his own anxiety issues i am slowly ruining the good person he is. I tell him to leave a lot and its not because i want him to i love him so much. I am just sick of hurting him and having nothing but a big fat oh im sorry im bipolar my meds aren't working forgive me..... ahhh its exausting. I love my kids to and i also feel like my moods effective them and i worry no matter how hard i try im going to mess them up some how to. I would never leave my kids ever but sometimes the idea of being a nomad and never staying in place never getting to close to hurt anyone seems like a good solution.

Just have this constant thought loop "I cant do this anymore" over and over and I dismiss it but its so draining. My friends are fed up. Im fed up. My horse is obese from lack of work, as am I now. Cant sui so I'll just keep smoking cigarettes til that kills me cos thats socially acceptable.