Diagnosed Bipolar today. PLEASE HELP ME

Hi.

I'm hoping for some advice as I'm pretty confused. I've just had my second diagnosis of Type 2 Bipolar. So, life's not great at the moment. I'm still not convinced this a correct diagnosis, but my GP says I'm "in denial".

I'd like to tell you about how all of this has happened to me. I'm 44, for what it's worth.

I was sexually abused as a 9/10 year old child. My abuser was allowed to walk away from the situation without any punishment. I carried the shame and anger for 20 years before I decided to contact the Police in 2006. My abuser was subsequently charged and convicted for his crimes against me. I still feel angry and ashamed but at least he had to answer for his actions.

At the beginning of last year, I was contacted by a solicitor who wanted to claim compensation for my abuse. I had to relive the whole ordeal again. It made me very angry and upset. I went and saw my GP and I was immediately diagnosed with depression, something I had never experienced before. I started to take mirtazapine, gradually increasing to 45mg. I didn't feel right on this medication. It made me feel detached and zombie like. My GP wasn't interested. He told me to continue taking the dose. I had been on mirtazapine for around 3 months when my girlfriend announced she was pregnant. I felt nothing. I felt nothing when she lost it 2 months later. We broke up. I decided after 9 months that I should stop taking medication. I didn't consult my GP. I went to America for 2 weeks in September 14 and just stopped taking them. I think I went euphoric. I came back from America and felt like a new man. I got back with my girlfriend and felt great. 2 weeks later, my girlfriend left me but I still felt good. I went out and dated and slept with a lot of women. Over 10 in a six week period. I felt amazing. I wasn't psychotic or delusional, just really happy and confident. This went on for 6 weeks and then I had a huge crash. I became homicidal towards my abuser. I went and saw my GP 3 times because I couldn't sleep. He gave me 3 different types of sleeping tablets over a 3 week period, none of which worked, despite me taking double what he recommended. On my 4th visit, my GP told me he didn't know what to do with me as the sleeping medication hadn't worked, I was refusing anti depressants and the counselling I had been receiving for 9 months was having no effect. He referred me to the mental health team. At my assessment, I was told to "become a good Christian and forgive that man" and that, "he would be judged by God at the gates of heaven". The person assessing me was later dismissed from his position because of these comments and refusing to give me any sleeping medication for 2 weeks as he was "going on holiday". I left that assessment being diagnosed with depression.

About 2 months ago, I was getting quite disturbed and upset by my actions. I went back to my GP and he prescribed me something to stop the sexual urges and he referred me to the crisis team, still no mention of bipolar. At my crisis team assessment, which lasted 5 minutes, I was told I was suffering from an emotional disorder and that I wasn't showing any signs of psychosis. I was prescribed 15mg of mirtazapine as the assessor said there was "a big crash coming". I didn't take any mirtazapine and I didn't take any medication to quell my sexual urges. I didn't want to stop feeling how I did and I was scared if the urges went, I would be really depressed again. I didn't take the mirtazapine because it made me feel dead inside before. I went and saw my GP about 6 weeks ago and we had a long chat. He immediately said bipolar and referred me yet again to the crisis team but I didn't go to the appointment as I'm scared by it.

Last weekend was terrible. It was something I couldn't stop. I've worked out in the last 4 weeks, I've spent over £1000 sleeping with women. Not paying for sex, but taking girls out, booking hotel rooms, travelling etc. I hate myself for this. I sit here now with no urge to be near anyone. I feel disgusted with what's going on but I know I could wake up tomorrow and have to meet and sleep with a stranger.

My behaviour is pretty violent too. I'm like a ticking time bomb. I have no patience and I'm snapping every day. It's only a matter of time before I cause myself or somebody some serious damage. I've shut off from friends and family because I feel so unstable.

I went back to my GP today and saw a different Doctor. We had a chat and she seemed horrified by my behaviour. She diagnosed me with type 2. She wasn't happy that I was refusing treatment for what she called a "very serious mental illness". She referred me to the crisis team, but I won't go.

I've told my parents that if this curse is bipolar, I will kill myself. It is the devils curse of an illness and I will not be a slave to medication. I'm dealing with this totally by myself. I don't share things easily and this is so shameful that I just can't talk to friends or family about it.

I'm pretty confused and scared. Please, some advice and insight would be really good right now.

Thank you.

Obviously I can't diagnose bipolar. What you mentioned sounds a bit like bipolar, but all the sex and sleeping around can also be a trauma response, especially if your abuse was recently brought up again.

If it IS bipolar, though, you really need to reevaluate how you feel about that dx. It does not mean you will be chained to meds for your whole life. There are quite a few people on this board who live successfully without medication. Besides that, you can learn to manage your life through therapy. Does the DX bring a lot of pain? Sure, but not anymore than depression and PTSD, which you seem to be ok with having. Bipolar is just another mental Illness. It's really not as bad as you make it out to be. If you do have it, you've been that way for quite awhile most likely, so why should a label affect you so much?

I'm a firm believer in treating symptoms and not being too caught up with a label. I am much happier when I'm not spending my days analyzing whether I'm in an episode, going into an episode, whether I'm manic or depressed or what. For me I DO need medication but I might not always, as I have managed without meds a few years.

I really think you would benefit from therapy more than medication at this point. You need to learn how to deal with your trauma and also how to live your life with your symptoms. Come to terms with your diagnosis, if that's what it even is.

Good luck to you. Feel free to keep coming back so you can gain a better understanding of this disorder and how it affects everyone differently. You are not cursed.

Yeah I think a lot of your issues are from your past.

That is what I think.

I think it would serve you well to investigate those issues.

They don't all seem resolved.

Then as you do this move onto the Bipolar symptoms that are plaguing you.

I wonder if what you're experiencing is PTSD. That sounds more in keeping with what you've been through, although you could be bipolar as well. I would definitely recommend further assessment. And like some previous posters have said, it isn't the end of the world to be diagnosed with BP.

I agree about not worrying about labels. Every doctor has a different opinion. It doesn't mean they're right.

Thank you for your kind comments.

I should have mentioned that this type of behaviour has been happening for a long while now. I'm talking over 20 years. I'm pretty self destructive when it comes to careers and relationships. I have a long list of criminal convictions, some for violence. However, I've had no arrests or convictions for over 10 years.

I've never experienced depression before though, or not that I've ever really known. Maybe I have but I've been able to fight it on my own.

This has been non stop for 15 months now and it's exhausting. I've lost over 30 lb in weight and I can't recall the last time I slept for more than 5 hours straight. The current situation is just unbearable. I feel very flat most of the day. I'm being eaten up by anxiety but I try not to fight it, in the hope it will ease off. Then the tears will start and everything will seem totally futile. Suicide and death are constant thoughts. I can then go from being in tears to being positive about things and the future. This doesn't last as long as the down feelings. Then there's the sexual urges. I feel powerless to fight them. They come from nowhere. I don't like being around anybody because I'm so unstable and irritable. When I do go out, my behaviour is unacceptable. I make insensitive comments that are overheard by people. I don't mean to say these things, it just happens. I'm extremely short tempered and I feel as if I'm the most important person in the world.

I'm not sure what is going on with me. I don't feel depressed at the moment, certainly not how I was at the beginning of last year and November of last year. I just feel mostly flat, interspersed with periods of depression, hope and raging sexual urges which are very, very impulsive.

I am not an idiot. I am fully aware that I am being very irresponsible by not seeking treatment, but I am really just trying to ride it out and see what happens. I'm able to function pretty ok at the moment. I can work, although I'm only working 4/5 hours a day, this is still exhausting. Like I said. I rarely socialise with friends or family anymore. I'm pretty much in isolation mode, bar the work and casual sex.

I am sorry for my comments in my first post. I was insensitive. I understand other people here share this illness, and for me to call it the Devils curse was unfair. I hope people can understand the fear that I have about this. I am aware of how life changing it is.

I feel totally embedded in this. I constantly evaluate my thoughts and actions, which I know is far from healthy. I'm at a point now where I'm just sitting, waiting for the next major "episode". I'm pretty sure it will be a bad depression that will destroy me again. I've just got my business back up and running to a point where I'm productive and doing ok financially. I know that will all go again if I become depressed, it happened in January and November. I spend months building it up, only for depression to ruin my work.

I hope you can tolerate my ramblings.

Thank you.

With respect and concern, if you do have bipolar disorder, this is a risky choice to not seek treatment and 'just try to ride it out'. The self-employed are especially vulnerable. Stakes are very high for you right now and a ramp up into mania and then a subsequent depression could do bad things to your business and everything else. Every choice I've made to 'ride out' mental illness resulted in spectacular, costly and therefore very memorable mistakes. Now that your business is up and running, treatment can help you to maintain the consistent stability necessary to keep it running and growing.

I am coping today. There have been down moments but I have tried to keep myself distracted. I find it difficult without any support network. I see a counsellor once a week but I find it little help. I really see it as a waste of my time and effort. I have told none of my friends about this, as I am too ashamed. My parents are aware but I think they are at a loss as to what to do. I have no partner as I know I am not stable or happy enough to be with somebody for more than a few hours. Work is a distraction but I don't particularly enjoy it. I used to have a lot of interests but they've just all died. I literally gain no pleasure from anything. I don't even gain any real satisfaction from my promiscuity. I just feel lost in myself. I can't escape my thoughts for very long. I just wish I could reboot myself. I just don't understand how this is all happening. I don't remember the last time I didn't feel anxious. I just want to be happy again. Is that too much to ask?!

I think the deadness inside is more of a personality disorder or PTSD. I would see a therapist as well as a psychiatrist and see if you can deal with just having therapy. If not, meds can be important for depression.

Some of us really need them, so do people with just a depression diagnosis.

Okay, so here are the brass tacks about bipolar:

1. Almost everyone who gets diagnosed gets the depression diagnosis first. Then gets diagnosed with something else. Bipolar has a lot of crossover symptoms with other psychiatric disorders.

That being said, you NEED a psychiatrist. Bipolar is a PHYSICAL problem that you require medication to treat. It is quite literally crossed wires in the brain. There is no riding it out. And without treatment the synaptic connections become more intense so cycles become more frequent and more intense. This is science. Your brain has a physical problem and behavioural therapy will not work to correct it.

2. You likely have mixed episodes. This is important to note. Bipolar people go from high energy to low energy. Bipolar II goes from medium high to very low. That being said high does not mean happy. I get super irritated in manias because the world is too sharp and too intense. So I get angry for no justifiable reason. This happens. It is not uncommon. It is hard to deal with but thins takes us to point 3.

3. This isn't your fault. You have a physical malformation in your brain. You can't have prevented this from happening. There is no shame to be had. But you need a support network. Tell the people you trust (at least, trust on your good days). I have ultra rapid cycling bipolar, so I can have a full blown up-down episode in a week. I am not usually the first to notice. But because I have made my people aware of the symptoms they will tell me when they think I am relapsing and they cut me slack when I start acting all high and mighty. They know it isn't me and they know that once I'm down I will apologize. Tell people. It is scary, but those who can't handle it aren't really good friends anyway.

4. Dead inside is depression. Depression isn't feeling sad. It's apathy. Color is dull. Food has no taste. We are all specks on a rock circling around a ball of fire in a giant void. And it is always harder to deal with after having been manic. And just reading through your posts I can see the progression. You were up, super confident, saying terrible things, having all the sex and spending all the money (I just spent $200 on sex toys using money I don't have, so no judgement, but it is very specifically a bipolar symptom). Then the brain goes "Wait a tick," and shuts that all down, so not only do you feel bad, you feel bad after having felt good. It's the difference between going outside when it is cold and going outside when it is cold when you have been hanging around in a sauna.

5. It is treatable. See a psychiatrist. They do both talk therapy, which is painful but does help, and prescribe medication, which bipolar patients need. Remember-this is a physical problem. And the treatments take time to figure but at the very least they take the edge off while its getting figured.

I suggest researching the crap out of your bipolar. I'm type II as well, have been since I was 17 and was diagnosed 4 years ago. Having all the information really helps because it helps set you up to not trigger your bipolar. Staying up late, drinking, recreational drugs, all cause bipolar cycles to happen faster and be more intense. Vitamin D helps in low sunlight countries because it acts as a mood stabilizer, but it isn't enough.

Go, see a doctor. If you thought you had cancer would you try and just ride it out or would you seek treatment? You'd go and seek treatment. So go and seek treatment. It helps so much. They have drugs that make the downs go away. They have drugs that make the highs go away. You can live a normal life but you NEED medical help to do it. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, but seriously, go see a doctor. Bipolar patients are at a very high risk for suicide because of the downs following ups. Seeing a doctor could save your life and will make it better. It will give you actual control instead of perceived control.

I can't say if you're Bipolar or not. I do know that you're basically quoting everyone who has ever been diagnosed with Bipolar. A lot of us try to "ride it out and see what happens" and end up wishing we hadn't. I really hope you'll reconsider and give treatment a shot. Give it five or six months, and it might work out. Or you could visit another doctor for a second opinion and see if they come to the same diagnosis.

I've experienced this, and it's very serious... by not treating your current episode, you guarantee that future episodes will be more severe.

I really do appreciate all of your comments and advice.

I'm awake after 4 hours broken sleep. This really is torture. I feel terribly anxious and pretty sad. The tears have already begun and I've been awake for less than 30 minutes. I've never been one to just cry. I shouldn't feel like this. There is no reason for me to feel like this. I should be looking forward to a nice day. I have money, the sun is shining, I have my health. But no. My own mind will not let me be happy anymore. I have had no real major sexual urges for a couple of days now. im either down like now, or climbing the walls with sexual frustration. This is all so confusing.

I want to work with the Doctors and Physiatrists, but they don't seem to listen to what I'm saying. My first assessment was a total farce and my second lasted 5 minutes. How can you possibly diagnose somebody's mental state after a 5 minute conversation for goodness sake?! I've been told that I "present myself too well" at appointments with my GP and Psycs. Even at my most crippling lows, I've always taken care of my appearance outwardly. I always shave, shower and dress smartly. This seems to go against me. Inwardly, I'm a mess. There seems to be little interest in my huge weight loss. I'm literally wasting away. Last January I weighed 84kg. I'm now at just over 70. I'm 6'0 tall. I look ridiculously thin and I guess I look ill.

I haven't spoken to my brother for over 6 months now. I feel too ashamed to do so. I didn't see him over Xmas or my birthday a couple of months ago. We've always been close. I wouldn't know what to say to him about this. My parents know about the type 2 diagnosis but I don't think they really understand how tortuous my life is. Again, I think that I hide things too well and I'm not as honest as I should be. My counsellor is little to no help. I've been seeing her for 9 months about my sexual abuse as a child, but it has done literally no good. This is what I don't get. If I was depressed last year, like all the experts said, then why didn't 9 months of counselling and mirtazapine do anything to alleviate my symptoms? Depressed people don't behave like me, surely? There's too many mood swings and weirded thoughts for this to be depression. Then there's the waking nightmares I get. The dull buzzing that always precedes the horror. I'm awake during these nightmares but my body is paralysed. They always involve violence. These have been going on for years now. I had a particularly bad one 3 nights ago. I make up silly nursery rhymes about my dog and I'll sing them all day, on and off, on repeat. I do this at home and when I'm out. This is pretty odd behaviour. I sometimes develop a "tick" where I'll keep nodding my head really fast as I snort out of my nose. I have no idea why I do this but again, it's pretty odd. It's as if I want to be normal and happy again, but my brain has a different agenda. I guess my ramblings here may look pretty odd.

I'm sort of hoping for a full blown manic episode. At least people will sit up and take notice. I'm sick of being not listened to. I'm sick of feeling like this. I shouldn't have to live life like this, never being able to escape from this nightmare. It helps to come here and share my thoughts, I'm sorry they are so jumbled.

Thank you again for all of your kind comments.

T

I am so sorry you are going through this. Bipolar has wreaked my life and they make it very hard on you to be able to pick up the pieces. I find that if I can force myself outside or around people (not interacting) it brings me out just a bit. Isolated is the worst thing we can do for ourselves but the thing we are best at. I hope you can hold onto a few things in your head that you know can bring you joy. Just keep trudging and believing it will get better. The hardest thing for me is trying to find good support grps. Hard to find. So today I'm joining some forums and I hope we both need the help we need. None of this should be doing this on our own. Best to you.

Yep, it's wrecking mine too. At 44, I don't feel like I have anywhere to go now. I'm just living each day as it comes, trying not to hit the self destruct button as I have done so often in the past.

I'd love to have someone who understands what this is all about but I'm safer keeping it to myself. I'm already a paranoid, self conscious mess, revealing the truth would be too much to handle.

I worked today. It felt ok but now I'm alone with my thoughts again. My mind is racing. I can't keep up. Sometimes I get that confused and distressed, I have to fight for air. Strange that I can see all of these warning signs, but I'm not prepared to do anything about it. What a strange illness.

You aren't depressed. You are bipolar. It isn't the same thing. They can't even be treated the same way. Anti depressants cause intense mood swings in bipolar people at a fraction of what is considered an effective does in a quarter of the time. I was taking an antidepressant that you are supposed to take a minimum of 75mg for 2 weeks before you get any signs of relief. I was taking 25mg every other day for 6 days and had to stop because I bounced out of depression back into mania.

Also- finding a doctor is hard. It took me 3 and I am very lucky. I'm trying to move onto my 4rth because my current doctor is incompatible with making me any more better. The first time I went in I flipped into a mania, so I was super chatty in that space, even though I had gone seeking treatment for suicidal thoughts. When I left I was low again.

That being said:

Keep a journal. Write down the things you are writing down here and hand it to your doctor. It is an excellent measurements of your moods. And being bipolar doesn't mean you don't also have PTSD or other issues. In fact, it makes this more likely. I have shy OCD tendencies as well that only show up when I am depressed.

Also- your depression is why you think keeping this a secret is a good idea. It's not. You have no evidence for this assumption but they idea that if no one knows it will all be better is probably an offset of your paranoia. For all you know, someone you know may be able to help you find a doctor who isn't awful. Or has a friend or a cousin or something that is also affected by this.

And working out is good. It releases endorphins. Frequent exercise (30 minutes of exercise that increases heart rate and breathing) three or four times a week can treat all depression, not just bipolar.

It really seems like you aren't working with a lot of information here. I strongly suggest that you start googling bipolar or pick up a book on it. If having the book makes you self conscious, lie and say it is for a friend/project/whatever, but you have no tools right now. You don't understand the fundamentals and because you don't have those you are having problems articulating this to a doctor. You are confused as to why you occasionally are energetic but still angry-mixed episodes- why isn't your depression just going away- because that isn't how depression works. It needs more than just talk therapy and not everyone responds to all drug types. I've taken 3 bipolar meds that did not work for me, but work for others. This isn't going to be easy. There isn't a miracle fix, but if you don't get the help you need nothing will get better. And you are in pain. You don't need to be.

And I understand how hard this is. I'm not trying to be mean or judging. I am scared for you. I remember how hard it was for me to find a doctor. I remember not knowing why I was depressed but that I also had amazing days where I didn't need to sleep.

Yesterday I learned that mania can cause heightened senses, which explains why my mixed episodes are so awful, because as an introvert everything being brighter and louder is one of the worst things that can happen to me. But now I know I can recognize this as a problem and even when I can't I at least know why this is happening and that it will go away.

Also- if you write things down you can cross reference them with life events. So under highs- write about your history with breaking the law. Write about being over confident and alienating coworkers. Seeing a doctor is hard and there isn't a lot of time to explain all the things. Also, ask them to refer you to a bipolar specialist. EVen if they don't believe you they will be glad to make you someone else's problem.

AND if you tell someone you can bring them in with you and make them fight with the doctor to get the treatment you need.

I wish you the best and hope things work out for you, but I am really really worried about how you are choosing to handle this.

I appreciate your concern, but it's a tricky one for me.

I was on mirtazapine for 9 months. It destroyed me inside to the point that I left my gf 2 days after she miscarried our child. I felt nothing for her or the loss. My counsellor doesn't help as I don't feel my issues are related to my childhood abuse and she just tells me that I'm too hard on myself. How is that helpful in any way, shape or form?! I've been to 2 psychiatric assessments. The first was a farce, the second lasted 5 minutes. I found both 'Doctors' to be hostile, rude, unempathetic and eager to just feed me antidepressants and send me on my way. I probably come across as very arrogant.

I want to stop this nightmare of ups and downs and all the behaviour that's coming with it. However, I have a real mistrust of my local Crisis/Mental health team and antidepressants in general. As I said before, I ate their medication and took their counselling for 9 months last year. The end result, I'm in a worse place than I've ever been in my life. Now tell me, how is that possible. I opened myself up to these people and I've ended up in a far worse situation than I was 15 monthss ago.

I think you're correct, I need to start to log things, but I'm not sure there's a notebook big enough! I'm fairly up now. I've eaten twice today and been fairly productive. I had a lapse around 3/4 this afternoon for a few hours but I'm good now. Things would be manageable if it stayed like this.

I was exercising a lot about 6 weeks ago but my GP said I was manic. I gave up smoking, I was walking my dog for miles, I was running and I honed a gym. I started drinking protein shakes too. Basically, I was trying to repair some physical damage, in terms of physical fitness. This is when I got my first diagnosis of Bipolar from my GP. Him saying I was manic pretty much killed that for me. I saw it as my brain playing games so I quit. Does that make sense? I don't walk my dog more than twice a week now. I think I'm going to let my parents take care of him for a bit as this isn't fair on him. I'm still not smoking and I feel great for that. I've never been a big smoker, but the two severe depressions I had last year took thir toll. I was chain smoking for 18-20 hours a day. I still drink my protein shakes to try and put some weight on but my diet and eating habits are appalling. I can easily go 2 days without food. Other days I can eat 2 big meals.

I don't read too much about this illness, it scares me. I know it's life changing, with or without medication, and I honestly don't feel I'm prepared to live either way. I've attempted suicide before, when I was 19. Looking back, that should have been a big red flag. It's just been one thing after another since.......and here I am.

I've rambled again. Goodnight all. Tomorrow is another day.

T

And then I reread my words and it brings me to tears! Back to the darkside!

Of course you are worse. Using antidepressants to treat bipolar depression is like using cocaine to treat alcoholism. And bipolar is is fairly uncommon and hard to spot. It isn't surprising that your doctors missed it. Mine did too. So be easy them on them. Doctors are human and medicine isn't like on tv at all. That isn't saying they are off the hook, but we all make mistakes and depression is far more common. Looking for bipolar is like seeing hoof prints and thinking its a zebra in horse country. In your case it really was a zebra.

Have you ever had that moment where you see something in the dark and are terrified of it, turn the lights on and it's a sweater or a cat? Right now you are in the dark. Bipolar is scary at first, but when you have all the info it is way less so. And things start to make sense. You are no longer 'just crazy.' The light is on and the terrifying becomes more banal.

Where you are right now is the scariest place to be with bipolar. I know because I've been there. You are in the worst spot. It doesn't get anywhere more worse than having a diagnosis, no info, and no plan.

Plans are tricky, so get the info. It helps so much. It turns on the light.

Also: You keep saying that having bipolar is going to change your life.

How?

Looking back you've been bipolar for years. Slapping a name on it now doesn't cause any of that behaviour to change. I'm asexual. When I came out as asexual I wasn't suddenly any more asexual than I was the day before I came out. You haven't changed. You've just added a new word to describe something that has been with you for a long time.

You are only adjusting how you think about yourself. Nothing else. It's just a label you didn't expect. ANd now that you have it when a doctor goes "hey, here are some antidepressants," you can go, "No thank you, I'm bipolar." ANd then you guys can have a conversation and see if a smidgen of them helps but won't get increased to super high levels.