Bipolar Check in thread #14

Wander · Nov 20, 2016, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

It's my dads birthday today so I called him and sang happy birthday and we made plans to go out to dinner this week as a family. Hoping I can hold back these depressive thoughts and behaviors and come around. My dad asked me how I was doing and I said I'm doing better which is true but doesn't fully indicate how badly I'm feeling either. I don't feel comfortable complaining and to my father it's 1000 x worse. A family dinner will be nice though and it's good to have a plan and something to work towards. Still feeling low so I probably won't be able to clean today like I planned but hopefully tomorrow. Or maybe later this evening if things improve. My pain has lessened since yesterday so that is good.

It was caring of you to not want to burden your day on his B'day but be honest with someone round you so you can have the support you need. I am glad your pain has eased a bit. Hope it continues to do so. Take care and get the support you need. xx

Wander · Nov 20, 2016, 06:10 PM

Meds got me to sleep 8hours again but the hangover is brutal. Still it passes in a couple of hours. My wipe me out drug combo seems to be working. I am sedated during the day but can function but during the evenings I struggle with agitation and the extra meds knock me out.

I am taking WAY TOO MANY BENZO's. (6mg Clonazepam and ~4mg Lorazepam).

It is only meant to be temporary (Like about 5 days) but I am worried about addiction as I already have one and I trying to get off it but life keeps throwing curveballs at me, making weaning off Benzo's difficult. Then I just don't care anymore so say give me all the drugs and enjoy the day for I might be dead tomorrow.

Still those meds and the Olanzapine have brought me back to reality, for which I am glad in a conflicted way. Thinks I am getting closer to stable. Which means I will be able to go home soon!!!! See my pdoc today and discuss this with him.

Nov 21, 2016, 05:14 AM

Well I'm going to be staying up all night. My sleep schedule is all messed up and I see my psych nurse at 12:40pm. So it's best to just stay up. My cat midnight is sick. Gonna get him into the vet tomorrow too. I'm really worried about him. He's 16. I hope we can figure out what is wrong with him.

So long night ahead...

Coconutzo · Nov 21, 2016, 11:30 AM

Sleep has been up and down all weekend. I cried all night Saturday from both physical and emotional pain. The physical pain seems to stem from emotions tho. Extreme tightness and pain in my shoulders and neck, I'm assuming from tension and anxiety. Nausea from anxiety. That's been happening for about a week. Anyone else get nausea from anxiety?

Today I feel extra tired but ok. I slept ok but with anxiety dreams and drunk on wine. Yesterday I took a few mini naps.

Nov 21, 2016, 11:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rose1985

Well I'm going to be staying up all night. My sleep schedule is all messed up and I see my psych nurse at 12:40pm. So it's best to just stay up. My cat midnight is sick. Gonna get him into the vet tomorrow too. I'm really worried about him. He's 16. I hope we can figure out what is wrong with him.

So long night ahead...

Please keep us posted on your cat. (((Hugs)))

Nov 21, 2016, 11:47 AM

It hasn't been as painful to wake up lately. It occurred to me this morning as I woke that I've been spending entirely too much time in the past, and the past does not exist. It hurts to think about the future, but the future doesn't exist, either.

Nammu · Nov 21, 2016, 04:22 PM

It's very difficult to live in the now.

I've had to go back up to two ambien to get enough sleep. I'm allowed 1-2 pills a night but had been down to one and half.....wanting to get down to one. I live in perpetual fear that something will happen and I'll not have access to medication. But six hours of sleep is far better than four.

Wander · Nov 21, 2016, 07:34 PM

Saw my pdoc yesterday. Blood levels of Lithium showed room to move so I am now taking 1500mg instead of 1250mg. He said the high dose is temporary, as are the high doses of AP's and Benzodiazepines. He is trying to bring down the mania and avoid a depressive crash. I hope it works.

My mood has still been swinging but not as dramatically. No more euphoria (damn) but still get giddy and happy at times. More often though my mood is low but not depressed even though I have strong SI. Hopefully in a few more days I can discharge, stabilise and get back into a normal routine. Dr thinks that is a bit ambitious and that it will take longer to stabilise me. This no discharge till next week. I have been IP for 17 days. Worried about missing so much work too. Kinda need my brain back asap.

jtassar93 · Nov 21, 2016, 07:41 PM

I finally got an appointment with my pdoc! Still dealing with all these hallucinations and paranoia. Hoping to find a way to lessen them with a new med.

Wander · Nov 21, 2016, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jtassar93

I finally got an appointment with my pdoc! Still dealing with all these hallucinations and paranoia. Hoping to find a way to lessen them with a new med.

When is your appointment?

Wild Coyote · Nov 21, 2016, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lefty the Salesman

It hasn't been as painful to wake up lately. It occurred to me this morning as I woke that I've been spending entirely too much time in the past, and the past does not exist. It hurts to think about the future, but the future doesn't exist, either.

There's only the Present Moment!

While's it's tough to get into the habit of living in the Present Moment, we totally miss out on life by spending our time in the regrets of the past, the anxieties of the future.

I am trying hard to master this. The effects are more helpful to me than any medication for anxiety/depression. I keep "falling asleep," drifting between the past and the future, forgetting to stay Present. It takes constant awareness.

WC

Unrigged64072835 · Nov 21, 2016, 08:27 PM

Did three loads of laundry. Went to T. Other than that, not a lot happening. Trying to wrap my brain around JavaScript, and it's not working.

gina_re · Nov 21, 2016, 08:57 PM

I take klonopin and sleep the majority of the day. I don't care to do anything. I'm desperate and hopeless. I did laundry, finally, but the clothes have been in the dryer for days. I'm running out of money. I did get short term disability temporarily approved from my employer until the pdoc can give me a more thorough evaluation next week. I honestly don't even want to go back to work. I don't remember what euthymia is like any more. And the lousy holidays are upon us. Great.
Rant over.

bizi · Nov 21, 2016, 09:02 PM

hugs for regina.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

VerMOZZica · Nov 22, 2016, 12:17 AM

Today I got my Thanksgiving shopping done.The store was full and it`s only monday.I hope I don`t have to go back for something later when the stores will be even more crowded.I was relieved to get that stuff done.I like to cook so I`m looking foward to doing that.Right now I find myself feeling pretty empty and numb.My depression seems to get worse at night when it starts to get dark.

jtassar93 · Nov 22, 2016, 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

When is your appointment?

This coming Monday.

Nov 22, 2016, 01:53 AM

Pain was up and down today. It's been several days since I bathed but I think I will jump in the shower after making this post. Still too unwell to clean but tomorrow should be better as my monthly curse is lessening. I've been battling a rash which doctors can't explain on my upper left breast for like 8 years. It gets a little better and sometimes much worse. It's really bad right now. I think using the heater dries out my skin and flairs my eczema. I might try a humidifier and see if it helps. I've tried everything else with minimal relief. Steroid creams help but take awhile and you shouldn't use them long term so I go on and off. My mood is off but I'm not sure what's going on right now. I'm a bit confused about recent events and have decided to talk to my therapist for clarification. Several things aren't making sense to me right now and I don't know if I'm being logical/reasonable which is how I view myself, or emotional/unreasonable as I fear I'm being deemed by others. Is one side wrong and one side right? Are both sides right and wrong simultaneously? Do I have this figured out or am I delusional? Very confusing.

Coffeee · Nov 22, 2016, 02:38 AM

I'm doing well, scheduling a hundred appointments it feels like tho! I have my court hearing for retroactive medi Cal in the start of December, feels very scary. That's to cover the thousands in medical bills that I have from my hospital stay last year for my episode, even with insurance. Sucks

Nov 22, 2016, 03:07 AM

I have some strong messages coming through loud and clear and offering me insight into the internal workings of humanity and it's not good news entirely. But it appears I can do something about it and have more power than I realize. A lady I was IP with recently was an elementary school teacher and kept talking to me and teaching me things like I'm her student. She would pass me notes with affirmations and one said "trust yourself". I think it created a delusion of reference as when I think of this note, like I am now, it's a direct message from the creator telling me that my delusions are true and to "trust myself more". That all of my problems could be solved if I just accepted all of me. I may not always be right but I'm not always wrong either. I accept I will be wrong again in the future, and learn a lesson. I expect I will get it right sometimes too. This all seems healthy to me. Not bad even if it does have an element of delusion involved.

Wander · Nov 22, 2016, 05:05 AM

Just saw pdoc. Going to be IP for a while as I am still so unstable. Last night I was suicidal with intent but got though that crisis by begin medicated. This morning I felt fine, as if nothing happened. I am splitting, a dissociative response to keep me safe when overwhelmed - well that is our best guess. Dr did say did appear a bit better today but I seem to get worse at night.

My mood is flat but not depressed oddly. My mind is spinning with ideas, and I have met this guy who is a patient in the hospital that i think i have a bit of a crush on. Had dinner with him (in the hospital) yesterday and today. He is a paramedic with severe PTSD from his job. He was the guy who counselled the other paramedics after a horrific incident but no one counselled him. that is a disgrace. Anyway, it is nice to make new friends.

MobiusPsyche · Nov 22, 2016, 08:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

Just saw pdoc. Going to be IP for a while as I am still so unstable. Last night I was suicidal with intent but got though that crisis by begin medicated. This morning I felt fine, as if nothing happened. I am splitting, a dissociative response to keep me safe when overwhelmed - well that is our best guess. Dr did say did appear a bit better today but I seem to get worse at night.

My mood is flat but not depressed oddly. My mind is spinning with ideas, and I have met this guy who is a patient in the hospital that i think i have a bit of a crush on. Had dinner with him (in the hospital) yesterday and today. He is a paramedic with severe PTSD from his job. He was the guy who counselled the other paramedics after a horrific incident but no one counselled him. that is a disgrace. Anyway, it is nice to make new friends.

If staying there a while keeps you out of the really unpleasant locked ward you described, I'd embrace it (as much as possible). I hope you're getting the help you need.

TimTheEnchanter · Nov 22, 2016, 08:59 AM

I am grumpy because I am getting old (turning 60 on Dec 5th) and tired to do my part time job, yet I am clinging to it as if it was my lifeline to productive life, after that I am not sure what I will do...maybe become an eccentric who just wonders around aimlessly, I cannot stay home as that is the sure death wish. This season is hard because of the extra hours they ask me to do and working Xmass, Thanksgiving and New years Eve. Lucky, I finish by 6 pm every day.