Been awhile since last check-in. Past month recap: BF had emergency surgery on his spine and was in hospital 2 weeks, then nursing facility another week (was supposed to be there longer, but it sucked there and he couldn't take it). Since then he's been home and I've been his caretaker (can't put on socks, take shower alone etc.). During this time, unemployment ran out, so zero income, I got a seasonal job (first work since April). Part time yes, but exhausting factory work. I have an interview for a different one on Thurs. Really hoping. ALL of the maintence things for home (lugging groceries, laundry etc, --we don't have a car) have fallen to me and I AM EXHAUSTED. They say this recovery is like 2 months. Good God.

Thanks for letting me whine/vent. The only upside is I am too exhausted to even be aware of mood. Can't concentrate long enough to think on anything. Blank mind.

[wildflowerchild25]

I just got completely overwhelmed with despair. I don't know what happened. I had a good day at work today for the most part but now I can't stop thinking about how awful I'm doing. I feel like crying. I'm weak. I can't talk to people. My arms are tingling because I want to self harm so badly. Where tf did this come from???

I have therapy in about 20 minutes so I'm sure I'll be fine but this is disheartening.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Been awhile since last check-in. Past month recap: BF had emergency surgery on his spine and was in hospital 2 weeks, then nursing facility another week (was supposed to be there longer, but it sucked there and he couldn't take it). Since then he's been home and I've been his caretaker (can't put on socks, take shower alone etc.). During this time, unemployment ran out, so zero income, I got a seasonal job (first work since April). Part time yes, but exhausting factory work. I have an interview for a different one on Thurs. Really hoping. ALL of the maintence things for home (lugging groceries, laundry etc, --we don't have a car) have fallen to me and I AM EXHAUSTED. They say this recovery is like 2 months. Good God.

Thanks for letting me whine/vent. The only upside is I am too exhausted to even be aware of mood. Can't concentrate long enough to think on anything. Blank mind.

Oh dear!
Wow! That's a lot to do and a lot of stress!

(((((( Innerzone and BF ))))))

Please feel free to vent here often!
Please take care, as much as you possibly can.

Glad to hear from you!

WC

[wildflowerchild25]

I felt better after talking with my therapist. Not 100% but enough. She said the dreams meant I am seeking comfort from somethings, as self injury used to give me comfort. She said I need to find something to replace self injury as my comfort. She suggested an essential oil diffuser. I love the scent of lavender so that might work.

I also have an intake with a new psychiatrist's office on Thursday. Just in time too, as my psych nurse changed her schedule and is at the office only two days a week now. I guarantee that means even longer wait time. She already makes me wait at least 45 minutes.

[Wild Coyote]

Signing off for tonight.
I am getting "Site Security Certificate Warnings," advising me to leave the site. My posts, most of them, are vanishing into thin air as I reply. I have started a thread in the "Technical Forum" re: this issue. Others are reporting there as well.

Sweet dreams!

WC

[xRavenx]

I came home and felt my heart pounding really bad and all this anger and rage connected to how I feel about myself, my decisions, all the things I have to do moving forward. It's all too much to take. I look in the mirror and feel like screaming and breaking it. I keep trying to say that tomorrow is another day, but these patterns just keep coming back. I know something needs to change, but it's all just too much right now. Plus, there's only so much I am capable of at the moment. I'm listening to music that reflects how I'm feeling just to get everything out of my system.

[liveforsummer]

Just to say, paranoia back. Don’t think I’ll be posting for a while. Hugs everyone

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Just to say, paranoia back. Don’t think I’ll be posting for a while. Hugs everyone

Hugs. We'll be here whenever you come back! Please take care of yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

[VerMOZZica]

Picked up my meds today and also got a flu shot while I was there.Nothing much else to report.I`m feeling pretty down right now.

[99fairies]

My day was very stressful. My son had a mental breakdown and is in the hospital now. All the stress threw me into a hypomanic state. Don't know if I'll sleep tonight without him here but we'll see. I am very worn out so maybe I'll sleep well. Knowing he's in a safe place makes me feel better.

[bpforever1]

I am doing well. I taught a class today. I feel ok. I am preparing for my demo lesson for next week. It should go all right. I am tired. I even vacuumed my apartment today. I am trying to keep my place reasonably clean. I stopped seeing the men in my life because I got tired of them. I like being alone but am not lonely. I am trying to focus on finding a better job, instead of wasting my time. I am hoping for the best with the demo lesson. The material is not that easy but doable. It goes over grammar, collocations, formal vs. informal phrases, etc. I think this material would be difficult for someone who does not have a good grasp of English. I am preparing for this demo on my own as usual. I have enough experience now to know my weaknesses. I really like teaching but the competition is stiff now. Non-native speakers and native speakers are saturating these positions, and my recommendation to those who want to come to Japan for the long-term is to not teach English. I like teaching though and don't mind the low salary. Also, I'm single and this allows me more flexibility in choosing my jobs. The salary here for English teachers is quite low, whereas in Saudia Arabia or the Middle East the salaries are higher. I am not too worried about money though and just want to survive. For me since I was homeless once, I appreciate the smaller gifts in life. I value my health as a priority. Thus, I am happy with my current situation. Moreover, teaching is fun at times for me. Sometimes the topic is not my cup of tea but I teach whatever the companies ask. Before I was homeless, I was earning quite good money but was really stressed. Now, I have stress but it is within my limits. I am truly grateful and happy. I love Japan and its people. I never thought I would ever go to another country to live besides America. However, I am satisfied with my decision. You would think given my illness that I should live at home in America. I welcome people to visit Japan. It is a beautiful country with good food and nice people. I am planning to stay here indefinitely if possible. I don't know if it will be possible. We shall see!

angry/depressed

a place I really wanted to go (to move in to) just rang me back to say that all the places in that complex are full and their is no way I could move in their until at least next year
it's ashame i'm so agoraphobic.

i'd love to go over their now and give her a peace of my mind (and maybe more)

but no sitting here crying. it looked really nice, lovely gardens, great facilities, I know it's not her fault really... but urg. stressfull time.

as the anger increases..

might buy myself a takeaway tonight

eating's gone to ****, so why not

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Just to say, paranoia back. Don’t think I’ll be posting for a while. Hugs everyone

Thinking of you.

WC

Originally Posted by 99fairies

My day was very stressful. My son had a mental breakdown and is in the hospital now. All the stress threw me into a hypomanic state. Don't know if I'll sleep tonight without him here but we'll see. I am very worn out so maybe I'll sleep well. Knowing he's in a safe place makes me feel better.

I hope he gets better soon. I'm glad he's in a safe place.

Make sure to take care of yourself too. I can imagine it's mentally draining.

I was starting to feel better after going back on my antipsychotic, but I think I took 2 steps back.

Possible trigger:

I'm trying not to give in to my recurring urges to OD on Klonopin because I know the depression will pass. And yet, I realize that I will struggle with depression on and off for the rest of my life, possibly getting more severe as I age, which makes me feel hopeless. Like, "there's no cure, so why bother?" That sort of thing.

I don't f_cking know. I'm at work right now and away from my medications. I'm hoping I will relax a little before going home. I might even stay here until 8 or 9pm if that's the time I need to be safe. Work is safer than home, as I don't have access to medications. And if I have to, I'll skip my medications tonight altogether. Probably bad idea to skip medications, but if I know FOR SURE that I will OD, then it's best to skip.)

[WildcatVet]

Had to take my Ritalin today just to *get going*...hate this jittery, headachey feeling...have to find a way to get Nuvigil again. Dreading upcoming therapist appt...don't know what to expect but I have to see her before they'll let me see the pdoc.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I was starting to feel better after going back on my antipsychotic, but I think I took 2 steps back.

Possible trigger:

I'm trying not to give in to my recurring urges to OD on Klonopin because I know the depression will pass. And yet, I realize that I will struggle with depression on and off for the rest of my life, possibly getting more severe as I age, which makes me feel hopeless. Like, "there's no cure, so why bother?" That sort of thing.

I don't f_cking know. I'm at work right now and away from my medications. I'm hoping I will relax a little before going home. I might even stay here until 8 or 9pm if that's the time I need to be safe. Work is safer than home, as I don't have access to medications. And if I have to, I'll skip my medications tonight altogether. Probably bad idea to skip medications, but if I know FOR SURE that I will OD, then it's best to skip.)

Blue, I am sorry you are in such pain and feeling unsure about wanting to live.

I just want to share with you: With over 30 years of total medical disability and lots of severe and chronic pain, I have often contemplated escaping it all.
I can tell you I am glad I've never done it. It can get better. Seriously. You can find stability and have a decent, rewarding life. You are very gifted, which is incredibly fortunate.

I was married several years into my disabilities. My H is handsome, very strong and very compassionate. This is just one of the examples of surprises in my life. I'd always thought my whole life was ruined, but it was not.

While I'd be very sad if you'd decided you had to go, it's important you decide to stay for yourself and your loved ones.

Maybe start a thread where you will get more support?
I have to go for now, but I'll be thinking of you and sending supportive, loving vibes.

Please stay safe, Blue.

WC

[hopeless2015]

Feeling overwhelmed today at work, seems to be a delayed reaction for some reason. My good friend reminded me to take things one thing at a time. I needed that reminder. Hugs to everyone!!

[RainyDay107]

Blue, I hope you stay safe. Wild Coyote is spot on. Also, you will not always feel like you are now. And, you rapid cycle.

I am....recuperating. Disassociated more than I ever have before and I cycled into mixed episode. I lost time and when I came back, my mixed state, I couldn’t sit or lay down. I paced around my house or stood for days.

I had to cope on my own. The disassociation was confusing. I initially thought I was having a psychotic break.

I later realized I wasn’t psychotic but I wished that had happened instead. Never thought I’d prefer psychosis for any reason, at all. Dark times, stayed out of IP. Have support now and resting.

[Sunflower123]

My doctor's office called this morning. It turns out I have a hiatal hernia right above my lap band that has been causing rather severe problems. His office is now working with my insurance to move forward with removing the band. I'm so happy that I have an answer and it can be fixed. There were many days I would throw up even water violently.

He asked me if I wanted a conversion while he was in there to another type of weight loss. I said thanks but no thanks (in my mind I was saying h*** no). My appetite has drastically decreased since I became sick and I've made a habit of grazing small meals so I'm losing weight naturally. Good news.

Sending hugs to all that are struggling.

[wildflowerchild25]

I am miserable today. The cough is not any better. I am coughing so violently that I am vomiting after every cough spasm. I can't keep my stomach full at work or I will vomit. So I've been drinking a protein shake for breakfast and sipping on water during the day, small sips. That way there's nothing to throw up should I go into a coughing fit. It is quite embarrassing at work to cough the way I am. It's making me so upset. It's been five weeks of this. Will it ever end? I can only be reassured that I don't have lung cancer as the chest X-ray only showed pneumonia.

I slept well last night save for waking up coughing and gagging a few times but I'm still exhausted today. I don't know if I'm still ill or what. I don't do well with being so tired. Im definitely starting to be affected emotionally by all this. My heart goes out to anyone with chronic illnesses because I don't know how you do it.

I have also forgotten my emsam patch for a few nights so that could be affecting me as well. I'm going to try to remember it today.

Sigh...only two more days of work. I was hoping to go out this weekend but I don't know if I'll be able to. Besides me being sick, my mom is now sick and my other two options for babysitters are otherwise engaged. I really didn't want to stay in by myself again.

I just want to be healthy!!!

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I was starting to feel better after going back on my antipsychotic, but I think I took 2 steps back.

Possible trigger:

I'm trying not to give in to my recurring urges to OD on Klonopin because I know the depression will pass. And yet, I realize that I will struggle with depression on and off for the rest of my life, possibly getting more severe as I age, which makes me feel hopeless. Like, "there's no cure, so why bother?" That sort of thing.

I don't f_cking know. I'm at work right now and away from my medications. I'm hoping I will relax a little before going home. I might even stay here until 8 or 9pm if that's the time I need to be safe. Work is safer than home, as I don't have access to medications. And if I have to, I'll skip my medications tonight altogether. Probably bad idea to skip medications, but if I know FOR SURE that I will OD, then it's best to skip.)

I have felt exactly like this in depression. Like I know it's just going to keep coming back so why tf bother? However, I have been mostly stable (minus the little hiccup in the summer from changing meds) for almost two years now. Give it a chance. You know going on and off meds doesn't help either. You need to commit to either medication or living med free. Going on and off can make your rapid cycling worse.

It will get better, blue. I hope you stay safe.

[xRavenx]

Today was okay when I was lost in conversation with people, but bad when I was left completely alone. I keep focusing on all the things I need to do and fix about my life. The lady who has me on the housing list did not all me back, and I am worried that my application was bumped down to low priority based on a misunderstanding, where they thought I didn't respond to them in a certain time frame, when I did. I've been taking my PRN pills for anxiety a few times daily, because I am definitely in need, although it makes me a little sleepy. I guess sleepy is better than having a meltdown.
Good night everyone. Hugs to all who are struggling.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Feeling confused about what I want and where I need to be. I feel to low and too high at the same time. One part of me wants me to relax a bit because I find everything funny(and other people dont) and often can't sit down at all. The other part of me says f it there is more fun to be had at the top. Debating if I should take my meds every night.