An Audi TT

It wasn't my drinking
That ended my chance
Of a shot at the big Time
In my sport.
It was the fact that
I knew I was done,
And I had achieved
More than I
Or anyone else thought.
That was ending.
That was then I
Went out more.
I never slept a wink
The time I wanted
To throw in the towel.
Because I needed
A drink to send
Me to sleep to shut
Out all the stresses
And strains of my life.
I attended college
When I could.
To keep my brain
Ticking over while
Desperately trying to
Uncover where it
Went wrong and why
I felt so repressed.
It wasn't just my
Strict up-bringing.
I could tell funny
Stories out loud
And talk about memories
Fondly or not so much
But why couldn't
I get things down
On paper but I
Could talk someone
Ear off or sing at work?
Splitting my time
Between all these places
Meant I didn't get
Too attached to anything.
I was speeding,
Down the line
And I de-railed.
Maybe I thought
There was something
Lurking that I was afraid
To discover. I didn't
Want to paint
Myself as a victim.
And I thought
That kids were
Resilient when recovering
From trauma. And
It was just
My teenage antics,
That messed me up.
So many strings
To try and tie together.

Cut the contract in half.
A grey area said citizens advice.
very shy, they exaggerated.
I had cut myself
Off from past.
It was my best option.
I was a shadow
Of my former self.
I had just started.
I was so timid and shy.
Compared to the last
Young lassie. And
Often got lost
In thought when
Out the back
And I wouldn't catch
All the supervisor said,
And she would
Say sometimes I
Must speak double dutch
To you, and have a giggle.
The word salad.
How embarrassing. I
Had skipped a few
Doses, not my finest hour.
For someone who
Liked to learn, this
Was one lesson
I would learn the
Hard way.

I was forced to
Go back to Fred.
Phoned up...And
Said I opened
The door when
The car was moving.
After hospital I
Did feel a seclusion.
A feeling of being
On the outside looking in.
But my family and Fred,
Were a much better
Choice than a gang
Of lost boys and girls,
That many gravitated
To after that place.
They were even more
On the periphery.
Mine was more a feeling
And a state of mind,
Of feeling a bit left behind.
And people couple off,
That's how life is.
That's what growing
Up is about.
The hospital meant
I had to grow up faster
Than I should have
Had to, and my
Youth, thrown off course.
I would sail
A different ship.
I never lost hope
That where there's
A will there's a way.
And I don't regret
Being with Fred.
Thank fuk we never
Booked that holiday,
Was his parting words.
There was nothing
To look forward to,
The catalogue was
Just an idea.
What we both needed,
Was to meet new people.

It's not just stigma
That poses a barrier
Back into mainstream life.
It's a cavern of lost
Confidence that makes
You just want to
Hide away. I had
All ready made a good
Job of destroying the
Friendships I had before
Hospital. I know one
Thought I was an alcoholic.
Like Lauren in Eastenders.
They posted a comment
Online linking the story
To me. Well, I will
Accept alcoholic over
A fully fledged loon,
That howls at the moon.

Most in my shoes
Would have chose,
The gang of lost boys
Over toughing it out alone.
That was somehow
An easier option.
A slow suicide.
At least there were
Others to relate to
Whose lives were
As bleak as yours.
Who you could
Escape reality with.
Who stopped caring
About what others thought.
To hell with it.
We all die one day.
And once drugs
Talks hold, getting
Clean isn't just kicking
The chemicals.
There must still be,
A chance to live.
Over giving up.

What are you
Doing in that uniform?
Their mum says
Earning their keep.
Like work was
A foreign concept to them.
I feel like they must
Have thought I
Was an idiot
Telling them my
Drunk stories. Saying
My friend thought
I had thrown hot
Chocolate up her wall.
Driving neat vodka
Is a sure fire visit
To the ceramic telephone.
But paranoid android,
Who looked up
To my thug of a coach,
Swore to not drink
And be clean living.
A good example
For the kids. Yet
He told stories
About his friends
Drinking and partying
In an admirable fashion.
They must have thought
He was odd saying:
He was made of gold,
And was going to
Be a teacher and a joiner
In the holidays.
Stone cold sober.

Even though it
Concealed who
It was aimed at
And nobody would
Have known what it
Meant apart from me.
It was a cowardly act.
It was psychological bullying.
It was harassment.
It was a defamatory attempt
To ridicule me,
Which is classed
As illegal cyber bullying.
And people did find out.
You also shouted
In my ear in a night club.
A derogatory slur
Reserved for women.
Why did you hate
Me so much?
It was not my
Fault the teacher quit.
Was not being
In hospital enough
For me to deal with?
What if I was
Really sick? They
Obviously were not
Cut out for teaching
If the first thought that
Crossed their mind wasn't;
Oh no I hope the kids ok.
Better get them to
The nurse and sent home.
Not treat me like
A criminal. So my
Apathy and struggle
To apply Myself
Is really self explanatory.
The incident changed me.
Hardened me up so to say.
Created a fire in my belly.
But I don't want
Anyone to suffer,
I just want to lay
It to rest, solve it and move on.
I forgive the teacher.

What I thought
I was missing out
On at the time,
Actually set me
In good stead.
My parents firmness
Went to the extreme,
From an outsiders eye,
But I was used to it
And my skin had thickened,
To make it through
My school days.
But they made
Me determined to
Not ever take
Take the easy way out.
In my mind, if
I didn't go on
Courses to help
With job hunting
And building a cv.
They would have
Made my life
In their home, more
Miserable and unbearable.
So if I began seeing
Perth, and his muckers.
The tension would,
Reach boiling point
And then what?
So the fear of
Being made homeless
Loomed over my head.
They didn't let
Me drink too much
Never mind pal
About with people
Or a crowd renowned
For drug use.
In our local
My family would
Say, you've had a few
Now soft drinks.
It was an order
Not a request.
But they had my
Best interests at heart.
I think that Fred
Sticking by me,
Made them have second
Thoughts about letting me stay.

So David eventually saw
That resting was ok.
But they would not
Have had me lounge
Around day in day out.
A Chill out day
Here and there
Was permissible. And
When I was let go
Before a three month
Trial my mum said
I had went back
Far too soon.
When I got a job
Upstairs in a high
Street shop, they
Didn't question why
I quit. Because mum
Got a job in a
Different department in
The same shop and
It was too close
For comfort for us both.
After me being at home,
All That time when
I was so busy before
Rehab. We needed a
Bit of space apart.
I lied about the
Reason why I was
Let go before the
Trial at the next place.
They never clicked it
Was three months again.
It was almost a white lie.
Because they WERE
Set to lay people off.
Me and Fred went
On out first
Holiday together and
We were ok. We
Didn't argue. We had
A fried breakfast
Every morning. Walked
To the zoo. Went
On the Pepsi max and
Drank wine on the piers.
I was still feeling
Under the weather
That would have been
Over six months
After rehab. I
Took 5htp supplement
To help my mood.
And got by
For three years
On the dreaded olanzapine.
Was a horrible drug.

I deliberately searched
For a job
Where I would
Be kept occupied.
To ensure that my
Colleagues didn't get
A chance to grill
Me about my life,
If we were standing around.
Once, I began
To get fed up
Of the other branch,
I was wiped out
With the heat
And the constant
Flow of work I wished
I could get
A job standing
Behind a counter.
In a retail position.
If I could get
Enough confidence I
Could try for front
Of house, like a
Receptionists job. I
Went for a night
Porters job but
Made the mistake
Of allowing their
Friend request on
My Facebook that
Was evidently too sparse
For them to get an
Idea of me and it fell through.

I have many grievances
With my parents
But I shouldn't have tried
To blame them for
The way Fred behaved
When we moved in together.
Saying I ended up
With a wannabe hard as^
Because I was immune
To violence growing up.
I did not gravitate
Towards Fred so he
Could protect me.
I was too independent
For my own good!
We just got along.
And had mutual acquaintances.
He wasn't like, an ex
Who told all his
Friends and even
MY friend intimate details.
Fred grabbed his phone
Away from my thug ex-coach.
And would have fought
With him If he pushed.
Fred was damn strong.
He could have really
Hurt him despite his
Knowledge and study
Of more than just tkd.

I could simply say
Fred turned me
Against my parents.
Or turned me more
Against my parents.
But I think a more
Accurate way to
Describe it was he,
Amplified my angry,
Feeling against them.
And nobody else
Had ever agreed
With me like Fred did.

My team mates
I think did believe,
That I was so hot
Headed at times,
Because of my
Home life and not
Just my personality.
And they knew that
I worked to get
Money to pay for
Things on my own.
And when one lady
Said I should chill
And go back to the sport,
I knew that they
Realised my coach
Was a bit of a bully
And I had a stress
Related breakdown. Thanks.

Thug however undermined me,
Anytime he caught wind
Of me giving explanations
To others in the club.
He made me feel
I was just a drama queen.
When I craved privacy.

Saying that his friends
Daughter puffed her
Chest up to him
And threatened to fight.
But that was nothing
Like what I brought up.
And I felt almost
A sense of shame
For sharing with them.
Even though I was
Treated unfairly at home.
And years later he
Said I was a closed book??

It was reassuring that
Fred acknowledged that
He knew what it
Was like for me
At home. He believed
Me when I told
Him that my mum's
Explanation for everything
Was " boys get more."
And he knew from
Hearing from others
That they spent
A suspicious amount
Of time in the pub.
I didn't even need
To tell him.
I said they had
Been like that as
Soon as I was old
Enough to be in
On my own and maybe
Even before and Fred
Heard stories from
Other people, and he
Didn't have to question them
Or squeeze it out.
It's only a town and
People will talk.
My mum (and dad)
Bought me a top
For my birthday
It was two Sizes too big.
It was really pretty
I would have worn
It out with jeans
All the time.
And Fred dove
Well too deep into
Her error, saying
She was jealous
I had a house and
Now she was
Trying to say I
Needed to lose weight.
And truth be told
I did get a pang
Of anger. And
When we were
Getting the deeds
To Our house,
Fred told all his
Family about when
We got approved
For the mortgage
We had it, It's ours!
My mum said,
It's not final,
I beg to differ.
We explained and
She repeated the same phrase.
And Fred would relay
The story " oh I beg to differ"
Making fun of my
Mum years later
Time and time again.
They don't care
About me, I said
At Freds house.
But I didn't want Sympathy.
I complained about
Them all the time.
But my complaints
Were justified. Because
Half the time they
Bordered on abuse.

I'm just job hunting.
Chilling out for just now.
There is a training
Opportunity coming up
And coach won't be at it.
I didn't know What to say.
I just nodded, saying ok
I'll have to think about it
I'm a bit out of practice.
Their comment was so helpful.
Nobody told me to rest
And take time out.
It had the underlying message:
You need to take time out to rest.
Nobody had put it
In this nice fashion.
My doctor did their job.
They didn't try and
Dictate my life.
Nobody close to me
Said if I rested then
I could get back, to
The normal humdrum.
There's no shame
In taking time off
When your unwell.
It is still an illness,
Like a physical one
And it takes time to heal.
I wish I'd taken
Time to heal
And I may have only
Been really sick once.
But the way my families
Faith in me, dissolved
The minute I left
The hospital rehab facility,
Stuck with me.
I couldnt forget
How I was classed
"Unfixable" because that
Was "word on the street."

I knew she would
End up a ....
That wasn't what he
Said before hospital.
When my sport
Was now a hobby.
He said I needed
To decide what I
Wanted to be.
I had a job
At the super market.
But he knew I
Had brains to do
Something completely different.
It was just for the paycheck.
And I was bored and
Not happy there.
But I wasn't like the
Boys around me,
Who all left school
At 15, straight to a trade.
If I hadn't chosen my art,
I think I would have
Been in medicine or
Health and social care sector.
After hospital I had
My heart set on writing
So my jobs,
Were always a means
To an end.
I didn't want to make
People sorry for
What they did.
To vilify or blame anyone.
I did have a story to tell.
I just wanted them
To say sorry for
Some really hurtful
Things they did and said.
I had the tenacity, the
Will, and a disciplined mind
To do the required research.
To suffer for my art.
I would just base,
It on my own experiences.
As I got older I realised
That a memoir,
Would inhibit my creativity.
I could write a novel.
I thought that I
Would need to appear
Educated. I would need
A degree to sell my story,
Or for any publisher
To take me seriously.

My parents really did
Think that putting
A roof over my head
And having food in the
Cupboards was ample.
And I never aimed
For University or Art school
Because I did not
Want to have to feel
Eternally grateful and
If I "made it" got
A job where I didn't
Have to rely on Fred,
They would Say I
Was an Ungrateful b^tch,
And a snobby cow
Who had nothing
To feel superior about.
And a hard day's
Work would kill me.
I was swanning around,
In cuckoo land,
And some poor b^stars
Would have to deal
With me now.
They would hate me,
For doing well.
I would have a life
And be busy.
And I would be terrified
To return to my
Home town if things
Fell apart. Or the
Break down came later.
Was it better
That it happened
So young ?

There was no radiator
In one room when
They split the biggest room.
I got a halogen heater.
My brother was
Always at his Nans
When it was his,
So the problem had never
Been addressed. But
I wasn't like him.
Now it was mine,
They got switched
When I forayed
To share a flat,
With two pals,
And then returned not
Even three months in.
I got a chest infection.
Because the heater
Left traces of mould.
I always cleaned
It off but I had
A chesty cold
And stupidly put
It on high. When I
Should have sat
With my parents in
The living room.
But things just
Weren't the same
After all that had
Happened. And I
Had to flip my
Mattress when my
Back was aching.
And they didn't bat
An eyelid when I
Tried to hint I
Needed a new one
Or help with with a little
Money towards one.
My back was in
Pain from the small
To the shoulder blades.
I was granted silence.
I was working and
Responsible for My own welfare.
It was just a single bed.
I had a room with
A bed, a tv on top
Of a chest of drawers.
I can't remember where
I hung or stored my clothes.
It wouldnt have
Made any difference
If we got a three
Bedroom flat when
They wouldn't pay
For any furniture for
The rooms. And
Neither me or my brother
Could have had friends
Even with bigger rooms.
Because nothing came
In the way of their routines.
So no noise would
Have been tolerated.
My mum and dad
Had no give or take.
While we are at
The pub, you
Can have a couple
Of friends over. No.
Hang at my friends
Boyfriend. No either.
So I could only see
Them if they were
At the park.
Hence why I am
Missing from the
"Best summer ever."
I wasn't allowed
To see my own
Friends. Because of
The gang of boys
They associated with.
Yet none of them
Took drugs. And
Couldn't afford to drink,
That often at all.
So one called me weird.
I had to follow their rules.
My parents were
Authoritarian to me.
Yet they were,
Not responsible adults.
It was a confusing contradiction.
They partied liked
Teenagers yet did,
Everything in their power
To keep me in place.
They tried to steer
Me to the military
Just so I was gone
At sixteen.

They did threaten
To pack me suitcase,
When I came in late.
If we were out
At the park,
In our usual spots.
A lot of the time
They were still out
Drinking when I got
Home and I got
To watch the film channels.
As a kid if I lost
Track of time
And was all of ten
Minutes late I was
Clouted across the head
More than once.
And they would
Scream blue murder at me.
I resented them
To the bone.
And I prayed that
God had taken me
In place of D,
Because I didn't
Know how to
Be happy. You can't
Tell when your
Excited about anything
Most of the time said,
One of my pals.
That changed after
The holiday with
My parents. I
Couldn't show I was
Enjoying myself. That
Was why they
Went scatty at me
And walked all
Over me. Forcing
Me to clean up
Someone else's puke.
I welcomed the mania
With open arms.
And made people laugh.

The first question that
Most parents would
Have asked the doctor
Is will they get
Better and how long
Do They estimate
The process could take?
The doctors told
Them I wasn't a drug user,
And that made me
A "genuine case."
That the medical
Practitioners were optimistic
About me and
The doctor did ask
Me about my
Early memories, to
Try the talking approach.
But it wasn't
The right time for me.
I told them I
Just needed space
To think. No space at home.
This was dead on correct.
So weeks in they could
See I was improving,
And after the 28 days
Detention my mum
Agreed with the doctors
Suggestion to discharge,
At the meeting.
Why would my parents
Be taken in
By all the horror stories.
From people who had
No medical back ground?
It's obvious that
These stories were aimed
At those who
Were long term
Drug users. People
Who never completely
Kick the habit.
Who don't want to work.
Whose children goìnto care. And they
Float on the edge
Of society for life.
The doctors told
My parents that
Was NOT me.

Theres a whole plethora of
People with countless
Of different afflictions
Each with a different
Severity of mental distress.
There is no two
People the same.
Some people just
A once off because
They haven't coped,
With a bereavement.
Post natal depression.
Empty nest depression.
Depression from trauma.
People from all
Walks of life.
Many who went
Back to their careers.
Back to being husbands
And wives and students
And workers and carers,
Mothers, father's and friends.

Why on earth
Did my parents
Put me in the same
Box as those who
Chose to waste their
Life doing nothing but
Getting their hands
On drugs and messing
Themselves up?
I was a talented
Young person who
Had appeared in
The local newspapers,
For sporting endeavours.
I was sociable, had
A normal boyfriend with
A decent job who
Kept in good company
And who hated drugs
With a passion.
And my friends were
Productive members of society.
I was smart. An all rounder.
I just knew the harsh
Reality so I didn't
Apply myself at
School or work.
And I held back
With relationships too.
The doctor said
I could STILL have
A career.

Why were my parents
More convinced I
Would never get
Better than I would?
Because the doctors
Did not believe
This of me.
They knew I
Wasn't into drugs so
That's why the doctors,
Asked if there was
Anyone in the family
Who was diagnosed
With a condition.
It was protocol.
So then my parents got
Fixated on the fact
That I had an illness.
When will they find
Out what's wrong not IF,
Said David. My mum
Replying that they
Didn't find anything.
It was me and not
My up bringing.
Bingo. We are in
The clear. I can
See them rubbing their
Hands together when
Flipping it through
Their pig headed minds.
I knew they
Wanted rid of me,
They both used
To tell people they
Wished they had never
Have kids. Thinking
It was cool to say:
Don't do it! They ruin
Your life. If they
Could have put
My name down to
Get a council house
So I got one by
The time I finished
School they would have.
If I had got "ill" when
I was younger,
I could have got
Medical points and
That would bump me
Up the list.
That's what Davids
Drunken rants were about.
No army, with a condition.
Get me a bed sit,
At the homeless hostel.
Can't do that. Said mum
What will people say.
I was getting better
And home all of 2 minutes.
Yet he was preparing
For me to get worse.
Is there homes incase
She gets worse. No,
Asylums don't exist
Anymore. What an a^sehole.
Not even giving me a chance.
So incredibly self centred.
We might be "lumbered"
With a waste of space,
Do you realise that Joan.
He was thinking of
The financial implications.

Cornhill would have
Been where I went
If we speak hypothetically.
"If I got worse."
But not forever.
Maybe even a matter
Of weeks then back
To my Home town.
And if my parents didn't want
Anything to do with me
Then I would have got
Help from social work, out reach
And nursed back to health.
People are treated
In the community today
After hospital and there's
Supported accommodation
That leads to your own tenancy.
Many patients don't have
A place to go, after treatment.
Their partners divorce them
Or familes as much as
Disown them. But They
Don't get thrown on
The street. They get help
From the hospital and
Authorities who work together
To get your life
Back on track.
There is help.
And there is hope.

The doctor at my
First out patient app.
Said you are a person
Who sees your body
As a temple.
Yes I nodded.
How is your attention
Improving, can you
Watch a film without
Getting too distracted,
Or thinking of sad things.
Yes I see a film
Most nights. And with
My boyfriend too.
I can read too
Without interference.
Any dark thought
Creeping in? No,
Trying to be...forward thinking.
After I lost my
First job, I was offered
An assertiveness class.
But to risk disturbing
The mania I had in check.
No it's ok. I'll wait a bit.
I rushed in too fast
And I don't know what
To go for next.
Ok, I'll send an OT
To try help you out.

So why the walls?
The doctor answers
That for me: an episode.
I wanted to Hang myself.
I took the linen off the duvet.
Opened the window.
Then I realised.
It would probably
Fail like everything
Else in my life.
Someone would notice
A swinging body
Dangling from a top
Flat window. Desperate
As I was it
Wouldn't be fair
To traumatise a
Child with their
Whole life ahead of them.
A limp motionless
Body with rolling eyes
Flailing, suspended in mid air.
That could destroy
Anyone's innocence.
Anything could go wrong.
Might get cut down
And rescued. Psychosis
Is the brains over reactive
Response to severe depression.
Now you know.
To think the most disturbing
Freddy Krueger death
Was the puppet scene.
Where he rips out
His tendons, ligaments, body parts
So he can be,
Controlled on strings.
Half in a trance.
And lead me to death.
Life and death.
Where does one end
And the other start.
Why do the French
Say an orgasm is
Like a little death
Around the eyes.
Beautiful and bad.
I wasn't any.
Drugs? Alcohol
Has never failed me.

I think that there was
Failures on both sides-
The hospital and my family.
They should have disclosed
More information to me
Than they did while under
Their care. They should
Have informed me
What the scan involved
And what they were
Looking for and They
Did not inform me
That the results of the test.
That it showed no sign
Of a brain disease i.e. a tumour
Or a degenerative condition
Such as Parkinson's.
My parents should
Have been Over joyed,
Or a little relieved at least,
And told me this.
And told me that
The doctors had asked
If any serious illness
Associated with mental health
Ran in my family.
But I was Kept
In the dark for
The whole holding period.
I only got told
The end conclusion.
So I requested to see
My notes, in order
To illuminate what
Else I was missing.
It's my right to
Have a copy of them.
I shouldn't have needed
Any other reason.

My parents informed Fred,
About what they knew
And about what the
Doctors had been saying.
We were never a family
Who sat down and talked.
When they visited
It was just all practical.
What clothes do you need?
What toiletries? What juice?
They didn't know
How broach the whole
Situation. It was compete
Foreign territory for them.
What would they do
When someone at work
Makes a joke about "happy pills."
Or saying if someone
Wound them up enough they
Might knock em out
And have a holiday
In ward 4 funny farm
Instead of going
On holiday to Spain.

So it was Fred.
Who abused their trust
In him, to assuage his
Own insecurities when
We moved in together.
My mum doesn't mince
Her words and directly
Said we are shocked
You never ran a mile!
Because after all,
I was being treated in
The psychiatric wing of hospital.
And even though it
Just looks like a comfier
Ward the same as the
Ones for physical illnesses,
To most people it
Is still the "Looney bin."

My parents didn't trust
Me when I was allowed home.
They phoned Fred from
Time to time to
Check up on me.
It was more to see
If I had been drinking.
They thought I was
More likely to do
Something stupid if
I had drunk a lot.
And I was still recovering.
And I did give
Them cause for concern.
I did still want to
Get drunk. And I
Shouldn't have been.
I wasn't well enough
To be drinking yet.
And it is immensely hard
When that is ALL
Your 18 year old
Friends seem to want to do.
A girl I was in with
Was taken back by
Ambulance countless times
When she drank too much
Before building herself
Back up to health properly.
I may become unwell
Again if I didn't
Give my head a rest.
Yet they didn't like
Having me in the house.
Like I was a loitering
Teen smoking weed
In the basement
Sponging off them.
But in reality
I was in recovery.
So that's why I
Had a blip.
You don't want to
Go back in there,
Asked the doctor?
For a minute I
Did think it would
Be better than hearing
My drunken parents
Spouting their hard knock
Nonsense about me
Thinking I was asleep.
But I said No.

When I moved in
With Fred, I took
The brunt of his foul
Moods that were
Like clock work after
Every single work day.
He smashed up my
House warming gift
Because of the stress
Of doing up the house,
I eventually concluded.
He complained that
His parents kept
"Chawing his head off"
By persistently asking
If our place was
Nearly ready. His
Younger sibling was
Looking forward to
Having a bigger room
And it was just cosmetic
Stuff with the house.
If the living room
Is done, crack on
With the bedroom
And you can move in
And do a bit at a time.
And Fred would snap,
They would have had
Him move in and squat.
But he was a 25 year
Old lad who had
Been working full time
Since 17 and he
Was from a big family
With a busy house.
Visitors coming and
Going at weekends.
My parents had
My neighbours but they
Didn't really do the
Tea and cakes visiting.
Fred would Say my
Mum And Dad were
So rude and ignorant
When we visited.
Not offering to make tea.
My mum sometimes
Not taking her eyes
Away from her phone.
Not asking me how
I was doing at work.
But he enjoyed
Seeing my Grand parents.
And I can see why
He would have been
Angry that I didn't
Accompany him to his grans .
I did offer more than once.
And he said it's ok
Because he wasn't close
And I never met them.
And I wasn't pushy
Because missing my
Blood father's mum
Seeing as I was still unwell
Was fresh in my mind.

Freds family were just happy
He was officially
Standing on his own
Two feet. They weren't
Trying to get rid of him.
They did however express
That they believed
In marriage before....
And I felt a bit
Of insinuation towards me
Being the guilty party there.
Because Freds Aunty,
My old pals mum,
Did gossip about me with her.

He was fortunate
To have had all
His cake while living at home.
He did whatever he wanted
Completely unrestricted. But
He couldn't have
Friends over. Not that
He wasn't allowed,
It just didn't work
As his house was
Too busy! His parents
Liked to be at home
And always there
For everyone. Freds room
Was dead centre of
The house. And his friends
And him all had
Money to go out at the
Pub or pictures all the time.
A trip to highlands vue
Is what all couple's
Would do around here.
Instead of drinking
Let's drive to the
Big cinema for a change

He Could come and go
As he pleased. Where
As I was in a different boat.
My parents didn't
Allow me the same freedom.
Even if I had not
Been through my ill spell.
They would have been the same.
My brother got it
In the neck when
He went out drinking at 18.
Not just me.

We were all set
To rent a flat anyway.
Freds house barely
Ever empty and me
Not getting much privacy.
We really needed
Our space and It had
Been three years.
Moving In together
Was the next step.

Who is that with
The hat and hands
In his pooches...is that
Yes, It's Fred.
Walking to the Pub.
He is going to...
To meet His work pal.

I joined a gym.
To get out of the
House when I was
Not working. The
Membership covered the pool.
I chose it because it was,
A quieter more exclusive place.
And a change from
The gym I used before.
And I chatted away
To a bloke who was
Waiting for a new job
To crop up after
He was paid off.
He was young too in twenties,
Was being Friendly.
There was no attraction.
He said he came
To keep his days
In a routine until
He got another job.
Helped him relax,
If he worked out
For a few hours a day.
Instead of watching cakk
On the tv. Kept
That needed structure.
And when he got
Back to working
Full time, he came
Less often. And then
Not at all.

I saw a friend
When on errands.
And we just
Shot the breeze.
I'm going to be
A mature student soon
Do it right this time.
Student life, drinking
And night life, go for it!
I broke my ankle
Out in.....got two
More weeks then
Back to work,
And dancing again.
Can't come quick enough.
Got to go, she said
Meeting a pal to
Watch my dvds here.
And I had a reverie
Back to old times,
Invited round
To watch Little Britain
With another pal
In our gang from school.
And it hit me.
I told my work colleague
I bumped into a friend.
All my friends
Are now acquaintances.
My social life had been
Intertwined with Freds.

Have I done the right thing?
People will think
Fred had dumped me
And I am scorned and depressed.
I began to have surreal
Episodes where a simple
And mundane task
Would feel like it was
Running in slow motion
While I was immersed
In a past memory.
I WAS depressed.

I went to the gp centre, and
In my heightened state
I said I couldn't risk
Being seen going up "there."
The doctor was slightly
Panicking. I hadn't seen
A doctor like that before.
He flipped his computer
Screen around to
Face me and said you
Have to go and see them.
He showed me an old
Letter from my file.
But I didn't listen.
He was worried
That at my last
Appointment I saw
A newly qualified gp,
And they hadn't picked
Up on what they did.
And I would have
Appeared well back then.
But I was defiant
And combatative refusing
To take on board
Their plea to go
And see the psychiatrist.
They were genuinely
Worried for my welfare
And figuring out
What had been happening.
I promised to,
Make an appointment.
And speak to my doctor.
They knew that
I was my own
Worst enemy at this point
And sensed the danger
I Was in. And I said ok,
I WILL see the psychiatrist.
And they pointed
To the number on
The letter. I can print it off
They said and I assured
Them that I knew,
It was called the P... clinic.

But as insight begins
To fade, I was tumbling
Towards another breakdown.
And the crippling depression
I waded through after
This one, still wasn't enough
To prevent me from
A third hospitalization.
And I see why
The doctors said they
Were in agreement that they
Had not adequately
Treated the illness.
Even though this
Was eight years in.
And this time,
It called for a
Six month stay. Minimum.

Ammendment:
Happy he was flying the nest.

I don't blame my
Friend. They were only
A teen 17 at most.
Mope abused his,
"Powers of persuasion."
She even considered
Us best friends.
For a short spate
When we worked
At the same place
"We have never
Really fallen out
All these years
Just drifted apart"
But when she messed
Things up With a
Budding footballer and
Was upset. I was
Too blunt and
I said you slept,
With someone else.
He was lovely guy
And my friend took
Him for granted expecting
Him to forgive her.
Me being in sport,
I understood him
More than my friend.
How other classmates
Thought I was 'square.'
That they knew secrets
I didn't when I knew
I wasn't missing out.
It was like a
Tit for tat game.
I was still mad
That they said
I Should date such n such,
Because my voice
When telling stories
Was monotone too.
She had no filter at times.