[Under*Over]

Ive been told that, because of the unpredictability of my illness, at some point in my life... hospitalization might be necessary.

This idea scares me. I dont ever want to go to a hospital because that feels like giving up control of my life. Im still partially reliant on my parents- and until I move out for good (soon) I feel that hospitalization would just mean admitting to the world that Im not ready for my own life- and that I need a caretaker or something.

So. My questions are. Is the hospital really that bad? What is a stay generally like? How long do schizoaffectives generally stay compared to other people with other mental illnesses- longer? What have your experiences been with how people have treated you AFTER hospitalization?

It depends on where you go. If the police drag you out of the woods kicking, screaming, and bleeding and you wind up being involuntarily hospitalized, it sucks. If you go to the ER and say you're not safe because of psychiatric illness it's not that bad. There's a lot of free time. The place I go to for voluntary hospitalization typically has a day like this: Wake up, have breakfast, morning group (stuff like how you slept, how you feel, goal for the day), then do nothing for an hour and have another group, have lunch, more free time, another group/go outside if it's nice out, have dinner, visiting hours, then bedtime. You stay as long as your insurance will pay for (typically a week). Involuntary hospitalization is pretty much meals and free time. Either way you're going to be checking in with the doc once a day, maybe less.
The only change in how people treated me is now when I'm having a hard time my family asks if I need to go to the hospital.

Hospitals are okay for some, but for me I just might as well go to jail. You can lose your job to maybe can’t pay rent, car gets jacked, it’s boring, I would avoid it if at all possible. Went once, jail several times. One has bars, the other don’t.

[tecomsin]

Even when I have called for help voluntarily I have always been involuntarily hospitalized. The last time was a month in a forensic psychiatry ward. I am hoping to avoid another encounter with the law or with being hospitalized. I had to complete a program for mentally ill offenders and then the charges were dropped, but still I spent a month in a high security ward for people under arrest. I thought I was on some kind of mission. My manic delusions unfortunately are paranoid and dysphoric and I get very agitated. Unfortunately I also lose insight at a certain point and then you really have to wonder what there is to bound my behavior because I get filled with the idea of a delusional conspiracy.

[wildflowerchild25]

It really depends on where you go. I’ve been in some great hospitals and some terrible ones. I used to use it as an escape from my life. Spikes is right, it’s very boring. Lots of free time. Depends on the place for visiting hours too. One I went to had visiting from 6-8 every night. Another I went to did visiting by last name so you only got two hours of visiting time every week.

The ones I’ve gone to do not allow you to have your phone or anything electronic. They have payphones if you want to make a phone call but you must have money or a phone card (which they don’t really sell anymore). But one I went to allowed free calls and another I went to had a desk phone in addition to a pay phone that they would allow you to use when there were no groups going on.

So in my mind it’s not that bad. Yeah you do lose your freedom for awhile but if you need to be safe then it’s best.

There are people here though that will tell you that the hospital was the worst experience of their life and they’re never going back. And there are people like me who say it’s not that bad. So you have to take it all with a grain of salt.

[HALLIEBETH87]

I’ve been to good and bad ones. I haven’t found it to be horrible really.

[Under*Over]

Yeah I think Ill be able to avoid the hospital this time around.

The issue was that- I stopped taking my medication, went full blown psychotic, and it was sort of “up in the air” over what to do with me since I really was against hospitalization and wouldnt go voluntarily. I wasnt suicidal, because it was manic psychosis, so there was no immediate threat to self or others, but it was a close call with many many people telling me that I really needed to go to a hospital for safety. I was psychotic to different degrees for several months- I still hallucinate but the strange thinking is pretty much gone and I can tell whats real and what isnt.

Im back to trying to be medication complaint but... the thing is with me... I wish I could say Id never stop my medication again... but I cant honestly 100% claim that. Ive stopped it before and being on medication is not my ideal. I just dont know what Ill do in the future. And I was VERY close to... well. It was a close call.

And so I want to know... if I do need it in the future... how long should I resist going? Is it really- is it worse than long term psychosis? I prefer my own freedom, and I feel like i can handle a lot. And if I could do it again... I probably wouldnt go still.

But is this just stupid?

[Nammu]

I'd say the first time is the scariest as its all new. For the most part it's boring. The hardest part for me is knowing I can't just walk out the doors. But just because you need to be hospitalized does not mean you need a caretaker or can't be on your own. It's just a bump where you need intensive care then you can be on your own again. Mostly hospitals release people before their fully stable so a couple days at mum and dads wouldn't hurt.

[MickeyCheeky]

People have different experiences, Under*Over. It also depends on what hospital are you going to. So unfortunately there's no way to know for sure. However, sometimes it is the only option some people have. If you're feeling extremely bad and there are no other options, I wouldn't rule it out completely. But the final decision is up to you. I'm glad you're taking meds. Stay safe and take care! Sending many hugs to you

[SorryShaped]

Sometimes giving up control to those that know what they're doing is exactly how you find new ways to gain control. Most of my inpatient visits have been useful and helpful, and necessary. I never would have found yoga and, subsequently, fitness without the hospital. I found my true happiness for a long time after spending a Christmas there. It's a lot less to be afraid of than you'd think.

[Wild Coyote]

Do you see a therapist? Is there someone whose judgment you trust?

Some people make a plan with a therapist/other, outlining under which circumstances hospitalization is likely to be helpful. This can help both you and the person(s) you trust to determine when you are most likely in need of a safe place.

I think it's difficult for everyone to give up freedom(s). Sometimes it's the lesser of two evils.

It's important to always stay safe.


WC

[Under*Over]

Yeah I see a psychiatrist and Im going to start seeing a new therapist.

But. I dont know. I dont entirely trust them I guess. I want to. But I also wonder if maybe just- everyones wrong and overreacting and theres nothing wrong with me and i just need to figure out... just how to live around my problems. That maybe theres just something everyone else does that I dont do and if I could just figure out what that thing was... then I could “fix” myself.

I dont fully believe Im sick. But everyone else keeps acting like Im REALLY sick. And I just dont know.

Lately people havent been acting like that since I started taking more medication. Ive been able to hide my symptoms better (Im still pretty good at that in general even off medication- its why Ive avoided hospitals- I do what I can not to freak people out)

Maybe that points to being sick. I dont know. I hope to avoid hospitals forever. Right now- I think that will be easy. I dont feel... that bad. But in the future... I just dont know.

So its best to just go voluntary inpatient then?

I just dont like the idea of so many people WATCHING me. Im not super paranoid but I am kinda... private. And I feel like going to a hospital will mean losing most all freedoms and being treated like a child or somethting. I want my independence!

[Wild Coyote]

It sounds like you are doing things in striving to do better and for staying out of the hospital, which it sounds like is best for you right now..

I think it's always better to go into the hospital voluntarily.

I feel the same way. I do not like to lose my independence. I feel like people will start thinking everything I do, even just standing up for myself, will be judged as a part of illness.

I am also a very private person and would not like to be watched by staff or by other people in general.

I, too, do not know if hospitalization is in my future. I hope not. I have a plan in place with my therapist/pdoc. Terms we agree upon. Am I concerned they might overreact? Hell yes!!!

All I can do is my best to stay out of the hospital, which, for me, means med compliance and working with my therapist/pdoc outside of the hospital.

I agree with your concerns; I have some of the same concerns!

I hope you never have to go to the hospital. Yet, if we do when we TRULY need to do so, it may save our lives?


WC

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It sounds like you are doing things in striving to do better and for staying out of the hospital, which it sounds like is best for you right now..

I think it's always better to go into the hospital voluntarily.

I feel the same way. I do not like to lose my independence. I feel like people will start thinking everything I do, even just standing up for myself, will be judged as a part of illness.

I am also a very private person and would not like to be watched by staff or by other people in general.

I, too, do not know if hospitalization is in my future. I hope not. I have a plan in place with my therapist/pdoc. Terms we agree upon. Am I concerned they might overreact? Hell yes!!!

All I can do is my best to stay out of the hospital, which, for me, means med compliance and working with my therapist/pdoc outside of the hospital.

I agree with your concerns; I have some of the same concerns!

I hope you never have to go to the hospital. Yet, if we do when we TRULY need to do so, it may save our lives?


WC

Thank you for your response. You seem to be very very kind .

Yes. Well. Right now Im having on and off suicidal thoughts. But I know they are just a part of- well- my life. And I dont plan on acting on them. I habe too many people in my life that I care about to hurt myself- because that would hurt them too!

I dont tend to really value my own safety. I dont have a substance abuse problem but I do... tend to... when I do drink or smoke- do it until Im in a pretty bad state. Im going to try to stop doing that. I want to stay away from hospitals- and hurting myself in any way- intentional or not- will not help!

Anyways. Thank you so much for this response. Sometimes it helps to know that there are other people who understand. In my life... there just really arent.

But yeah. I hope I dont have to ever go to a hospital. Tbh. I almost think Id rather die. But maybe thats sickness talking. I dont know

[Wild Coyote]

Yes, I also experience the thoughts/feelings that I'd rather die.

I am very happy to respond to your post! I don't feel so alone with my own feelings/struggles because of what you have shared. Your sharing has helped me, too.

There are many very kind, understanding, compassionate members here. The forum is a little slow today. I am sure you'll be hearing from other members soon.

I do hope participating here is helpful to you!


WC

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Yes, I also experience the thoughts/feelings that I'd rather die.

I am very happy to respond to your post! I don't feel so alone with my own feelings/struggles because of what you have shared. Your sharing has helped me, too.

There are many very kind, understanding, compassionate members here. The forum is a little slow today. I am sure you'll be hearing from other members soon.

I do hope participating here is helpful to you!


WC

Yeah I was here a bit a year or so ago? I believ? Just a bit though.

People were very nice and... it was interesting and cool to be around people who really understood.

But I was a little afraid of being here too. Just because I was doing fairly well and I was afraid... of what people were telling me about what they were experiencing. I didnt want that to become my reality!

But it doesnt habe to be I suppose. Just because I go to a hospital or I need therapy forever or whatever doesnt mean my life is over.

Though Im really really determined to avoid hospitals unless there is absolutely no other option. My parents have something to do with that too. They arent super supportive and they would just make me feel bad if I went. My mom thinks Im some sort of crazy monster already. Id hate for that to worsen

[downandlonely]

I went to the hospital once, and believe me it was much better than dying. I checked myself in voluntarily. I would have liked to stay longer actually, but they said I had to leave because I was not suicidal. It was nothing like jail. I had my own room (although sometimes you have a roommate). And we had some group therapy during the day.

Just wanted to let you know that it is not that bad at all. If you need to go to keep yourself safe, I believe you should do it.

About the drinking and smoking, have you thought about joining some addiction support groups? I go to a depression support group that I find very helpful.

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I went to the hospital once, and believe me it was much better than dying. I checked myself in voluntarily. I would have liked to stay longer actually, but they said I had to leave because I was not suicidal. It was nothing like jail. I had my own room (although sometimes you have a roommate). And we had some group therapy during the day.

Just wanted to let you know that it is not that bad at all. If you need to go to keep yourself safe, I believe you should do it.

About the drinking and smoking, have you thought about joining some addiction support groups? I go to a depression support group that I find very helpful.

Mm I dont really drink or smoke that much. Its just when I do it- I go all out and just get wasted or stoned to the point of passing out and not being able to walk and stuff. Its more just a... release... or a vacation for me. To not have to worry sbout taking care of myself for a while. To just be able to let go.

I only do it like... maximum... once a month.

But I kind of wish there was a group I could go to. Because I have no one really besides doctors to talk to about it all in real life. They all think its just... it makes them scared to know how much of a... how sick I am I guess. So I dont tell anyone. But there isnt one. Only for people with substance abuse problems which I dont really think I have. Im not addicted to anything but the idea of- vacations from myself.

Usually I handle things pretty well. But the last... 6 months... havent been great.

I dont think itll get worse. Only better. At least thats the hope. I really hope that. And Im willing to work towards that.

My parents are actually a big part of why I cant go to a hosptial. They... not until I get my own insurance and get some distance from them. I cant stand the idea of them long term taking my freedom away if I go to the hospital and they take my freedom away short term.

But thank you tons for this reply! Yeah. One thing Im afraid of is if I go once... Ill keep having to go. Its good too to know that doesnt always have to be the cade

[downandlonely]

There are confidential support groups for people with mental illnesses in the US. I go to one through the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (dbsalliance.org) and there is also the National Alliance for Mental Illness (nami.org). Check those websites and see if you can find a group in your city. I find them incredibly helpful, because I can talk to people who really understand.

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

There are confidential support groups for people with mental illnesses in the US. I go to one through the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (dbsalliance.org) and there is also the National Alliance for Mental Illness (nami.org). Check those websites and see if you can find a group in your city. I find them incredibly helpful, because I can talk to people who really understand.

Will do. Thank you. Seriously. This is very helpful. I hope I can find something that works for me

Edit: Sent an email to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance in my area. I hope that works out but if it doesnt... Ill ask around more! The National Alliance For Mental Illness groups in my area apparently dont have any scheduled meetings any time soon.

I wonder if Ill even be accepted though. My diagnosis USED to be bipolar but now its schizoaffective bipolar type so maybe... I wont be welcome. Hopefully its ok though that I no longer am straightforwards bipolar. If not. Then theres probably more groups. Trying to remain hopeful!

[HALLIEBETH87]

They welcome everyone at the group I went to

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I was absolutely terrified of being hospitalized for many years. I knew it was likely to happen eventually and that my therapist would have preferred I was in the hospital a few times while my pdoc tried other things to keep me out.

I wound up going on an MAOI and needing to make the transition from my tricyclic IP (not always the case but for me it was needed). So I knew for a month or so that I would be going in and by the time it happened I was so miserable that I was a lot more willing than I ever thought I'd be. Since then I've been in a total of 5 times.

It's not so bad. Each time it has been a relief to be somewhere safe and to get med changes that I know will help. My hospital treats people very well and tries to keep it as interesting as possible. It is nothing like any fear I ever had before.

I hope you never have to experience it but chances are that if you do what you are thinking about it is unlikely to be true.

[Under*Over]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I was absolutely terrified of being hospitalized for many years. I knew it was likely to happen eventually and that my therapist would have preferred I was in the hospital a few times while my pdoc tried other things to keep me out.

I wound up going on an MAOI and needing to make the transition from my tricyclic IP (not always the case but for me it was needed). So I knew for a month or so that I would be going in and by the time it happened I was so miserable that I was a lot more willing than I ever thought I'd be. Since then I've been in a total of 5 times.

It's not so bad. Each time it has been a relief to be somewhere safe and to get med changes that I know will help. My hospital treats people very well and tries to keep it as interesting as possible. It is nothing like any fear I ever had before.

I hope you never have to experience it but chances are that if you do what you are thinking about it is unlikely to be true.

Yeah. I am at the point that I am so worn down from how... malevolent my hallucinations have gotten... that Im about willing to grovel for help. To take just about anything to get them to stop.

They arent THAT bad usually- but Im really afraid of them getting worse. Theres one where voices come and beg me for help and I just feel so guilty for not being able to do anything. Other ones too but Im afraid to get too specific because Im afraid of getting doxxed.

But. Yeah. I probably shouldnt let myself get to this point again- and its even sadder because this point right now is like infinitely better than I have been the last few months. I was just too sick and stubborn to realize how bad I was. Now that Im on more medication I can see that... Im really not doing that well and its not ok.

I dont think i need hospitalization right now. For the most part im ok. But I am willing to listen and do... basically anything to keep it that way. To keep out of the hospital. And to stay in that place.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I think in general you know when it is time for IP. Sometimes we don't acknowledge it until it is too late and either things are really bad when we go in or we wind up involuntary but with a therapist and pdoc monitoring and helping I've known when it was time. I've always been voluntary and recommend that. I almost was sent involuntarily years before I ever actually went (new pdoc who was trigger happy but I argued so hard I won) and I know the sense of control that I signed in helped me.

I don't know how to say how I know when I know but I do. If someone is on here asking if they should go IP the answer is generally yes.

I hope you can continue to stay outpatient but develop confidence that IP isn't the end o the world.

[skiguy18]

Depends on the hospital and how you arrive. If the police or EMTs drag you there it probably won't be pleasant. Try to go on your own if you are able.