[yellow_fleurs]

I am happy to have some good news to share! Right now my brain is clear and "back in gear". It feels like my brain gets off gear, like a bicycle when the chain slips or something, and right now while maybe there is something still off in the background most everything is running smoothly. I feel mostly calm, happy, social anxiety is low, obsessive and intrusive thoughts have taken a hike, and I can think clearly about things and mostly focus. Like a fog has lifted and I woke from a nightmare. Let me treasure this moment haha.
I also exercised a little yesterday and had PT today and my pain remained low!
I am thinking about getting some neurocognitive testing. I mentioned it before, but I am not so sure my moods completely explain all my cognitive issues. I also posted about it in the past but if anyone else has stories about this I'd be interested. However I get test anxiety, so could see myself panicking and messing it all up! haha

Sending compassion to everyone, especially those who are struggling right now.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't know if this helps anyone but I have individual vision insurance through VSP. It is not exactly cheap, about $15/month, but it lowers the cost of my glasses enough it is worth it. I think eyemed has individual policies too. I just searched online and signed up; it's totally separate from my Medicare. I get an exam and new glasses every year and have lots of provider choices.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Wow! Such an absolutely gorgeous day here today!!! Just heavenly!!!

I am enjoying as much as I can. I am having some rather severe med side-effects. My pdoc had increased 2 meds, just by 50mg each; yet, whoa!!! (We'd thought I was getting a bit hypo. I'd much rather be hypo! Wouldn't we all?) I have gotten to where I am very groggy and light-headed until 5pm the following day. I will be decreasing at least one med tonight. I just cannot function otherwise. I see her on Friday. I will inform her then and, hopefully, I will see the effects of the decrease so she can take it from there.

I was just thinking about what it might be like if I decided to go without meds and without a pdoc? I am wondering how I will afford to see my pdoc in the near future. I honestly do not think I'd make it. So, I'll keep on trying. I do appreciate my pdoc so very much! She's very bright, very experienced, ultra compassionate and FUN!!! Her"aura" is both peaceful and JOYful!!! What a smile!!! She just naturally has the traits of a "healer." I don't think she realizes this. I will have to tell her this week!!!

Do you like and/or appreciate your pdoc and/or tdoc? Have you told him/her? I think many of them work hard and thoughtfully. Most are very invested in their clients. Many are exposed to a lot of tragedy. Maybe they'd like to hear a bit of positive feedback from us? Just a random thought.

I’m thrilled you have a good pdoc you think highly of!

Great minds! You know I had to change recently from my pdoc of 17 years. I’ve written him a thank you note and told him how much I appreciated his care and his keeping me alive all these years. I’ll give it to him August 5th when I see my NP.

My NP is not my pdoc but she is younger and is giving me good tools to work with. She also consults with him on med changes which is a plus.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I don't know if this helps anyone but I have individual vision insurance through VSP. It is not exactly cheap, about $15/month, but it lowers the cost of my glasses enough it is worth it. I think eyemed has individual policies too. I just searched online and signed up; it's totally separate from my Medicare. I get an exam and new glasses every year and have lots of provider choices.

That’s great information! Thanks for passing that on. I’ll look into that.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I don't know if this helps anyone but I have individual vision insurance through VSP. It is not exactly cheap, about $15/month, but it lowers the cost of my glasses enough it is worth it. I think eyemed has individual policies too. I just searched online and signed up; it's totally separate from my Medicare. I get an exam and new glasses every year and have lots of provider choices.

That's great information! I had no idea. The D.O. Wanted to see me next year but I figured two years would be good. But this makes it doable.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Since the vision insurance seems unknown I also have dental insurance. It's even more expensive, $30/month, but I have bad teeth and it takes care of a lot of fillings and lately crowns. There is a $1500 max/year I think and I hit that for last year so am waiting for my year to start over in October for more work. That is through Delta dental. Combined with Care Credit I'm managing to survive the more intensive work my new dentist thinks I need.

The only drawback with it was I think it was a year before it would pay for a crown or root canal. I may be remembering that wrong and I think they offer different levels of service that might eliminate that.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Since the vision insurance seems unknown I also have dental insurance. It's even more expensive, $30/month, but I have bad teeth and it takes care of a lot of fillings and lately crowns. There is a $1500 max/year I think and I hit that for last year so am waiting for my year to start over in October for more work. That is through Delta dental. Combined with Care Credit I'm managing to survive the more intensive work my new dentist thinks I need.

The only drawback with it was I think it was a year before it would pay for a crown or root canal. I may be remembering that wrong and I think they offer different levels of service that might eliminate that.

Thanks for the info.

I have been using Care Credit, too. With the one I have: It can be very helpful if anyone needs to buy time. Read the rules carefully. And so... after a year, the balance has a huge interest rate on it. So be ready to pay it off, if possible.

I have been told by the dentists' office that once it is paid off, if you close the account, the dentist can re-open a new account where the original offer (one year no interest) can be again offered.

I also have Delta Dental. They have been pretty good, or were last year. This year, I am having some trouble with them. They are, for some reason, rejecting pre-authorizations made by my dentist. I'd had to cancel work scheduled just yesterday. We are trying to clear it up.

[Sunflower123]

Beyond and WC - thanks for the valuable information. I needed both dental work and new glasses like yesterday and these are viable options. Thanks again.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I consider Care Credit a necesary evil. I have more than I wanted on there now because I had to have a root canal I wasn't expecting. But I have time to pay it off and if I can't I'll transfer it to a 0% or low at minimum card when I near the end of the 0% on Care Credit. Hopefully I'll get most of it paid off and will be ready to move on to the next crown. It worries me to need crowns and not be able to afford them. But it is what it is and I'll get through it.

[Wild Coyote]

Oh, also ... I have VSP for vision. BeyondtheRainbow has mentioned this plan.

I have had good luck with it.

If one is diabetic, the optometry billing has to go through your medical benefits provider first. This can leave a large balance, depending upon your coverage. (I have a huge deductible for my medical coverage, so would have a huge bill if I were diabetic.)

If you categorize yourself as pre-diabetic or "insulin resistant," the optometrist might flag that. If so, it can be billed as "diabetic." (If this happens, you will have to sort it out with the optometrist. S/he will have to reverse the claim and then put a claim in to VSP.)

It is best to not get into any grey area on this. You are either diabetic or you are not diabetic.

(Yes, I went through this. It was a huge hassle. The optometrist had me mixed up with someone else. Yet, this is what I did learn.)

Good luck with this!

Things are going well. Went out for coffee and a yap today. That was nice. Good to get out and about (also ran a couple of errands, including picking up meds).

Hand is healing well. Stitches come out Friday (Ouch, not looking forward to that!). Friday's also supposed to be my first day back, but I'm going to go back tomorrow. 'Cause I'm bored. Shouldn't be, not like there's nothing to do, but I got in kind of a funk and am working on getting on out of that. I won't be able to do everything, but will manage to keep myself useful. Besides, it's supposed to be hot, and there's AC there.

Keeping lots of folks here in my thoughts. So much going on....

Innerzone, I hope your hand heals quickly. Does it otherwise seem to be doing well with the stitches?

BeyondtheRainbow, dental and vision coverage have been an issue for my husband and me, too. My husband can elect for dental, but like yours, the max coverage is so low. It sometimes even seems not worth it. In fact, my husband hasn't elected for it. As a result, my husband never gets cleanings/check ups. I used to anyway, but have stopped. Last Christmas I had two root canals. The price was rough and beyond $1,500. The whole thing ended up being around $3,000. Ugh! As for vision, we've found a somewhat economical way to handle this. Walmart has an optometrist that doesn't charge much. We mostly buy our glasses, including frames, online. It's much cheaper than buying from a shop. My husband has a major eye issue, but luckily that's covered under general medical.

I haven't exactly been tired, yet I have. It's a little hard to explain. I think what I need is for my psychiatrist to finally return from his vacation. I'm thinking a small decrease in my Seroquel XR would help. Even just 50 mg less. I have even been thinking about lowering it myself, but in the past, he has given me a lecture about doing that without notifying him. He wants the chance to veto, if necessary. He did tell me that he would be available by text, in certain circumstances, but I see that option as a very last resort. I don't see my current situation as an emergency. When my psychiatrist returns, I have lots of stuff to tell him. He doesn't even know that my pet died. How on earth would I be able to explain everything in a stupid text needed to justify a med adjustment? Texting is so counter to my whole communication style. I hate it!

My psychiatrist is closer to a parent figure for me than my own father. I need such a person right now. I feel that my actual father is pretty much gone. My siblings and I are likely out of his mind. If not, he is hiding from us and dreads us. I almost never call him, either. This is sad, but I don't want to. I don't know what to say to him anymore. I'm angry, extremely sad, and have so many other emotions brewing about him. Sometimes I wish he was truly gone. I realize that sounds utterly horrible. It stems from being in a long-term grieving process, but not being able to progress in it.

I have actually been thinking about pets. It is still too soon to adopt a new one, but it is so difficult being home without one. My husband and I are major bird enthusiasts. We've had a parrot at most times for the last 23 years. However, I'm thinking that for me, a cat might be a better next pet. I had a cat in my youth and really loved him. My husband only ever had pet parrots. When we first got married about 23 years ago, I had pushed for a cat, but my husband was so negative about the idea, so we adopted a parrot. Now, the grief of our early losses of our parrots has gotten to me too much. I guess I yearn for a pet that might be a little easier to care for. Maybe a little sturdier, hopefully. Parrots require a lot. When you lose a pet prematurely, even if it was an accident, it's hard not to feel that you were partially responsible. There are also other "pros", in my book, about me having a cat over a bird right now.

[Nammu]

Birddancer my cat was from a local shelter. He was 4-5 yrs old at the time. Indoor cats can live as long as 20 years. Sir is 14 now and as healthy as ever. Knock on wood there's been no issues. We take him in for his annual shots. He's wonderful to have around and he has taught mum to give him treats when he wants them. mum is 92 and never had a cat around till I moved in. He's a nice cat that quickly learned mum doesn't want cats on the furniture.

[Gabyunbound]

Had a major car accident a couple of weeks ago, 2 broken ribs and still in pain, though nothing like before. I've been scared to drive again, but finally rented a car the other day, have been doing a little driving, and am gaining a little confidence.

My family is in meltdown mode. As in my mother and brother. My mother has MS and is relegated to an electric wheelchair. She increasingly forgets what meds she's on, more and more cannot advocate for herself in doctor's appointments (she has lots of specialists for various other medical problems), and her paperwork is a total mess. She forgets appointments or gets them wrong. She needs me there more and to take her to all of her specialist appts, instead of only here and there. She lives 1.5 hours from me.

My brother went off on her the other day. He cannot, or will not, control his anger. He has intense and scary outbursts, yells and screams and slams things around. He's tall and has a loud, deep voice, and I think this makes him scarier. He also went off on me the other day because of something absurdly minor. I had told him before that his outbursts scare me, that he needs to stop, so I hung up on him when it started getting really bad. Then we continued on text.

His therapist says it's some sort of PTSD due to issues with our father, step-mother, and ex-wife (though clearly this behavior pre-dates their 'abandoning him' as he puts it, because they did so due to his behavior, which has been called scary and abusive). I don't have a coherent explanation, but I do not think it's PTSD. From what his girlfriend has said, it sounds like his therapist treats him as a victim of all those around him, which is very unhelpful, because that is what he does. It's everyone else's fault. And then when he feels bad about it, he feels like a total failure and gets near suicidal. There's no middle ground. He's very black and white, all or nothing.

My mother calls his behavior 'abusive,' yet she is always making excuses for him. She insists that he behaves as he does because of outside forces, and when I insist that he needs to take responsibility for his behavior, it upsets her. She's always idolized him, he's always been the golden boy. She's caught between his abusive behavior and her need to continue idolizing him. She would never defend me like she does him, but that's a whole different story.

His girlfriend says, amongst other things, that we (my mother, she and I) should allow him to lash out at us because we are his 'safe' people. (!)

I try and set boundaries, which are sorely needed, with my brother and my mother as well, for various reasons. It's been very very difficult.

I need to have another conversation with my boss about missing work due to my mother's appointments. She has several coming up and I'll have to miss work. My brother has always, since I moved here, insisted I be my mother's caretaker because he doesn't have time, for various reasons. It's true that I have a lot more free time than him, and a more flexible work schedule, but it's a lot to put on me alone.

That's a brief summary of a great deal that is going on.

But my primary concern at the moment, is that I have barely slept for the last 2 nights. The first night was before the 'familial meltdown' so, at least initially, it was not due to this. In any case, I only don't sleep when I'm going into an episode and now I'm very scared. I'm considering taking 2 instead of 1 klonopin to sleep. Might do the trick. My hope is that it doesn't make me too drowsy the next day. In any case, if I am, in fact, going into an episode, then I will likely not be drowsy. But if I am able to sleep, then I may be able to head off an episode, which is the goal. I'm scared...

I have an appt with my therapist later today. My next pdoc appt isn't for about another month and a half, but she always insists that if I need her before my next appt, I can make another appt. I'll have to see how things go.

I'm just so scared. I need to hold it together so badly. I'm scared...

[Jedi67]

slept longer last night. still some anxiety, loneliness and boredom. seeing my PDoc tomorrow for sleep and anxiety issues. felt like there was some mania setting in but it was fleeting.

Gabyunbound Sending good thoughts your way...

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Innerzone, I hope your hand heals quickly. Does it otherwise seem to be doing well with the stitches?

Thanks for asking. Yup, no problem. I don't like to look at them though! (I'm easily squicked out!) There are a couple of small threads that got caught in there from the gauze. Which also squicks me out, lol. Guess that will be dealt with tomorrow too. <shudder>

Actually at work right now on lunch. So far everything has been manageable. There are some large pieces coming up that I won't be able to do, but they know that.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

Had a major car accident a couple of weeks ago, 2 broken ribs and still in pain, though nothing like before. I've been scared to drive again, but finally rented a car the other day, have been doing a little driving, and am gaining a little confidence.

My family is in meltdown mode. As in my mother and brother. My mother has MS and is relegated to an electric wheelchair. She increasingly forgets what meds she's on, more and more cannot advocate for herself in doctor's appointments (she has lots of specialists for various other medical problems), and her paperwork is a total mess. She forgets appointments or gets them wrong. She needs me there more and to take her to all of her specialist appts, instead of only here and there. She lives 1.5 hours from me.

My brother went off on her the other day. He cannot, or will not, control his anger. He has intense and scary outbursts, yells and screams and slams things around. He's tall and has a loud, deep voice, and I think this makes him scarier. He also went off on me the other day because of something absurdly minor. I had told him before that his outbursts scare me, that he needs to stop, so I hung up on him when it started getting really bad. Then we continued on text.

His therapist says it's some sort of PTSD due to issues with our father, step-mother, and ex-wife (though clearly this behavior pre-dates their 'abandoning him' as he puts it, because they did so due to his behavior, which has been called scary and abusive). I don't have a coherent explanation, but I do not think it's PTSD. From what his girlfriend has said, it sounds like his therapist treats him as a victim of all those around him, which is very unhelpful, because that is what he does. It's everyone else's fault. And then when he feels bad about it, he feels like a total failure and gets near suicidal. There's no middle ground. He's very black and white, all or nothing.

My mother calls his behavior 'abusive,' yet she is always making excuses for him. She insists that he behaves as he does because of outside forces, and when I insist that he needs to take responsibility for his behavior, it upsets her. She's always idolized him, he's always been the golden boy. She's caught between his abusive behavior and her need to continue idolizing him. She would never defend me like she does him, but that's a whole different story.

His girlfriend says, amongst other things, that we (my mother, she and I) should allow him to lash out at us because we are his 'safe' people. (!)

I try and set boundaries, which are sorely needed, with my brother and my mother as well, for various reasons. It's been very very difficult.

I need to have another conversation with my boss about missing work due to my mother's appointments. She has several coming up and I'll have to miss work. My brother has always, since I moved here, insisted I be my mother's caretaker because he doesn't have time, for various reasons. It's true that I have a lot more free time than him, and a more flexible work schedule, but it's a lot to put on me alone.

That's a brief summary of a great deal that is going on.

But my primary concern at the moment, is that I have barely slept for the last 2 nights. The first night was before the 'familial meltdown' so, at least initially, it was not due to this. In any case, I only don't sleep when I'm going into an episode and now I'm very scared. I'm considering taking 2 instead of 1 klonopin to sleep. Might do the trick. My hope is that it doesn't make me too drowsy the next day. In any case, if I am, in fact, going into an episode, then I will likely not be drowsy. But if I am able to sleep, then I may be able to head off an episode, which is the goal. I'm scared...

I have an appt with my therapist later today. My next pdoc appt isn't for about another month and a half, but she always insists that if I need her before my next appt, I can make another appt. I'll have to see how things go.

I'm just so scared. I need to hold it together so badly. I'm scared...

I am so sorry for all you have been going through.
Has to be so very taxing.

how are your injuries now?

I hope you sleep very well tonight!
Looking forward to hearing how you are doing.

[Wild Coyote]

Uggh!!!

One of those days. about 10 days ago, my pdoc thought I was hypo. I think maybe she was right. I was fine though. I feel horrible now. She had increased both my Seroquel and my Lamictal. I have been feeling worse almost every day. I decreased the meds last night. I need my head to clear up!

I hope this decrease will help. I see her tomorrow, after her 2 week vacation. She is going to tell me I should have called her. I don't want to bother her on her vacation. I can play doctor for a few days and will only do minimal damage.

Actually, I would not have done the increase quite like that. I would have increased only the Lamictal if anything.

H called to see if I had paid the mortgage. We made it through the conversation in a very civil manner. I had to bite my tongue... very often. He continues to lie to me.. Blatant lies. I do not understand the purpose? The many cats are already out of the many bags! Why lie now?

I guess I will never truly understand where he is coming from. I have tried and tried. I need to accept the fact that I do not have to understand him. Life goes on. I "think" we are going to submit ourselves unto mediation. At least, that is what I am told. I just never know for sure, which is a huge PIA.

It is a nice evening here tonight. Cool and a light breeze! I will love sleeping without any AC tonight!

I hope everyone is as well as can be!
Much Love ~

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Uggh!!!

One of those days. about 10 days ago, my pdoc thought I was hypo. I think maybe she was right. I was fine though. I feel horrible now. She had increased both my Seroquel and my Lamictal. I have been feeling worse almost every day. I decreased the meds last night. I need my head to clear up!

I hope this decrease will help. I see her tomorrow, after her 2 week vacation. She is going to tell me I should have called her. I don't want to bother her on her vacation. I can play doctor for a few days and will only do minimal damage.

Actually, I would not have done the increase quite like that. I would have increased only the Lamictal if anything.

H called to see if I had paid the mortgage. We made it through the conversation in a very civil manner. I had to bite my tongue... very often. He continues to lie to me.. Blatant lies. I do not understand the purpose? The many cats are already out of the many bags! Why lie now?

I guess I will never truly understand where he is coming from. I have tried and tried. I need to accept the fact that I do not have to understand him. Life goes on. I "think" we are going to submit ourselves unto mediation. At least, that is what I am told. I just never know for sure, which is a huge PIA.

It is a nice evening here tonight. Cool and a light breeze! I will love sleeping without any AC tonight!

I hope everyone is as well as can be!
Much Love ~

I think it is very wise of you to consider acceptance of not understanding him. You are who you are and you live true to yourself. He does not and it is a huge difference. He will continue to lie and at this point it would be hard to discern the truth even when he doesn't lie.

I recently spent a lot of energy trying to understand the motivation of some people who were very different from me. It was a pointless adventure and only brought me heartache. I should have simply invested the time into being the best version of myself I could be. Invest in you. It is the best bet you'll ever make. Stay strong WC. I think so many of us are inspired by your strength.

[Daonnachd]

Gaby, take care of yourself while you're healing. I'm sure your doc gave you a list of things to avoid doing lest you aggravate your injuries.

All the best to you as you make your way through this.

[Unrigged64072835]

Lots going on, mainly with my daughter. My husband’s old car that she was driving died again, and the part needed costs more than the car is worth. She and her boyfriend were shopping for a new car. (Since they work for the same company they are on different shifts so no carpool there.) She finds one, so asks the insurance agent if she can put it on our policy, since she would have discounted rates in September. Nope, unless we’re on the title with her. Finally the agent gives her the discount on her own policy anyway, and she has a little car to get to work in. Another step to complete independence! I’m proud of her. There’s only the cellphone plan left, but we’re waiting until we see if she can handle the other payments. She has also completely moved out of her old apartment so that chapter in her life is closed. I think she’s much happier now and I’m happy for her. We decided to tow the old car from her place and scrap it.

Got another package concerning my dad’s life insurance. Finally called that insurance company and found out my brother did file a claim, but they’re still working it. Hopefully I won’t get any more paperwork now. That’s a scab that really doesn’t need to be picked.

My husband was selected for jury duty, again. It wouldn’t be a problem except it’s before my birthday, so don’t know whether to plan anything or not.

Lots of love to everyone.

I'm struggling. My pdoc is taking me off the diazepam faster than I would like. I'm anxious and not sleeping well. She wouldn't compromise. I will be off them in 6 weeks. I see her again in Sep.

I'm doing trauma work and we went through ages 4-10. Its a lot. It's just making me feel sorry for myself and making me feel angry. My therapist said that I have a right to feel sorry for myself and that I'm incredibly resilient. I wish I believed that. I just feel angry. I'm scared she doesn't know what she's doing. One of my traumas is my mom trying to kill herself. I think it was like 4 times. I asked my sister today how many times and she got mad at me and hung up. My family has just blocked those years out. That's just 4-10. I have way more coming up. It just seems so unfair.

Our food stamps got messed up and had to go down there today about that. The light in my kitchen is out again. My son won't quit bothering me. I'm just stressed, anxious, feeling sorry for myself, angry, tired.

Life just sucks for me right now.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by fern46

I think it is very wise of you to consider acceptance of not understanding him. You are who you are and you live true to yourself. He does not and it is a huge difference. He will continue to lie and at this point it would be hard to discern the truth even when he doesn't lie.

I recently spent a lot of energy trying to understand the motivation of some people who were very different from me. It was a pointless adventure and only brought me heartache. I should have simply invested the time into being the best version of myself I could be. Invest in you. It is the best bet you'll ever make. Stay strong WC. I think so many of us are inspired by your strength.

Thanks so much fern46!

I was going through the many "family court" legal forms online tonight. I was surprised that I was feeling fine about going through with a divorce. I think the piles of paperwork are not necessary. The divorce is very necessary.

I just do not "resonate" with him anymore at all.

It's like we are in two very different worlds. I am glad I am in a different world. I would not survive in his world; it's the antithesis of who I am.

It's so hard to imagine we were ever in the same world, as we are so very far apart now, in so very many ways.. It truly messes with my mind to find out my "best friend" is really a stranger. I talk to him now and feel like I have never known him. It was all an illusion.

Speaking of "illusions," have you ever read books by Richard Bach? He wrote Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which so many recognize. Bach also wrote a series of light-hearted spiritual/philosophical novels, one of which is entitled, Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. Interesting book. I think I'll read his series again. They are easy to read and are very uplifting.

I deeply appreciate your insights and your support!