Bipolar Check-In #38

Miguel's Mom, who wants you dead? How are you feeling otherwise? Does your husband know you are feeling this way? Do you need help from outside your family? This sounds like it would feel really scary.

Hi MM,
I agree with BeyondTheRainbow.

She has asked some very good questions. I hope you can answer her. I am wondering the same thngs she has mentioned.

Please stay safe!

My whole family. I think I'm a little depressed. The bugs are bothering me but voices aren't loud. My husband knows I felt this way last night. He doesn't know it extends to my siblings and parents. Usually it doesn't extend to them. I feel this way often enough that I'm not concerned. It's more annoying and I can't ask if it's true because if I think he's lying it makes me panicked. I Still have no access to sharp objects. I'm safe just annoyed that they don't understand everything I do. If I was gone everything would be different.

Please seek help immediately! I feel your pain and have been there. While in psychosis, I thought thoughts which I believed were real. They are not, and just figments of your mind. You should get help ASAP. If you think you are in danger of doing harm to yourself, please go to the ER/call your doctor too if possible if you have not yet. If not, please remember that an increase/or change in meds take time to take effect. Please rest, sleep it off. Be patient! It took me about six months before I felt as myself again. I believed that unreal beings were after me and talking to me. I know you don't have this, and are still logical to some point. I am sure that time will be on your side as long as you take your meds faithfully and go to your doctor appointments. If you need to vent or need support, please continue to write here and tell us what is going on in your life. If I were you, I would not think too much about your situation and let it be as is so you can recover.

hi MM, I sounds like you are rather comfortable with this level of exacerbation?

You say you"re used to this level of an annoyance?
I hope you can tell your husband tonight.

Please do take good careof yourself!

MM, I agree with WC that it would be good to tell your husband what you are feeling.

Does your abilify make you sleepy? I think going to sleep and getting away from your thoughts for a while might be your best action right now.

Keep writing. I'm sure to be awake about 3 unless some miracle happens and I'll check in then.

I sounds like you are rather comfortable with this level of exacerbation? I'm indifferent, I know I shouldn't be.
You say you"re used to this level of an annoyance? If it's not one thing it's another. It's not being use to it. I'm not stressed or alarmed by it.
I hope you can tell your husband tonight I don't know if I can. He likes to tell me things aren't true. Then I get upset that he's lying. Then it makes everything worse.

Does your abilify make you sleepy? Sometimes, I think I'm going to go lay down with the phone.

Oh, it's a good idea to sleep with the phone nearby.

Please do leave a message here tonight if you need to do so. You just never know who might be checking in!

I hope you get some sleep!

(((Miguel'smom))) I hope you feel better soon..

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I am awake... I am still getting ready .. I hope my friend is true to his plan

I've been feeling suicidal for the last 4 days. I had a heart to heart with my Twin last night and we were both in tears. I wish my tears would stop. Feels like I've crying non stop since last week. I didn't tell her about hurting myself as I think I overloaded her with info last night. I made her promise me she would live a life if I wasn't here. I feel like I let everyone in life down with my mood. I hate this feeling. If only I didn't want to not be here

So we talked. I will not be going to my parents for a little to prove my point. Hopefully today is better.

I'm trying to practice becoming better at reading books when there are distracting sounds etc. in the background. I just have so many fantastic books that I've purchased and I haven't read any of them.

I'm trying to listen to some ambient sounds while reading, but I'm finding that I focus too much on the sound and not enough on my kindle page. Ugh.

I do have some pairs of ebooks and audiobooks. Like, I own both the book form and the audiobook form for select titles. I can use those audiobook-ebook pairs to read, but I really want to read a particular book that I don't happen to have the audiobook for. I can buy the audiobook for it, but I'd prefer to read the book itself without the assistance of an audiobook if I can save some money.

Otherwise, doing alright. Neither good nor bad right now -- just "meh." Work is going to be a real challenge tomorrow, though. I'm gonna have to do a lot of catch up work. I COULD do it today, but I'm not motivated enough to do it right now. It just feels like a chore -- a VERY boring chore. I also feel sort of sluggish anyways. I'm convinced that my baseline is just mildly depressed and will always be that way.

I'm struggling with my agoraphobia right now. It's become so difficult to leave the house. I'm trying to work on it but it's difficult. Maybe I'll ask my therapists for some tips when I see her next. I always feel embarrassed over the fact that I can hardly ever leave or go places because of the anxiety and dread it causes. I had a couple years where I did fine with it and was out and about all the time but it's getting to be a problem again.

Otherwise I'm doing really well. My moods are stable, no psychotic symptoms, I have energy and am sleeping well.

The autumn trees look stunning here in NY

I have plans to hang out with my friend tomorrow which requires leaving the house, hopefully the more I do things like that the easier it gets

I have trouble reading with background noise as well. Can't read while a tv is on or people are talking. I've found putting on a relaxation app with a thunderstorm playing is perfect for me. I can't have it on with headphones though because it distracts me too much so I have to just play it through my phone speaker

I think day by day things are changing and not for the better. Being bitter doesn't help things but if I faked being positive I'd probably make myself iller that way.

Went out to pick up n3 from walgreens- he walked there. Been home doing laundry since. Been reading for hours. Now making dinner. Feeling dirty. Need a shower.

Reflecting today on everything I’ve lost to mental illness. I need to stay off Facebook. I have many friends and sometimes it stings to see everybody going about their happy lives while it seems every.single.thing is a struggle for me. I do realize that I’m only seeing a slice of the life they want me to see. I still struggle mightily.

Most days I take it into perspective, remain positive and roll on towards my goals. Today is an off day.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful week ahead and hugs to those that are struggling.

You have been so unstable for so long. You deserve to find stability and enjoy life.

Personally that talk you had with your twin??? I’m sorry you make an exit and it will destroy her, literally destroy her and all your loved ones.. go to the Pdoc or caseworker or whatever a person is called that can get you into IP so you will be safe and get help you desperately need

Do not destroy your family over a unstable time with Bipolar that is absolutely going to cycle and change.

Stay safe.

Hopefully your plans can be enough to scoot you outside your home.

Can you explain what your bitter about ??

It’s perfectly okay to take a step back from Facebook or any other thing that is causing you discomfort.

Do you have any time labs this week to look up to ???

I find if I have something coming up I can start to count the days. It helps me refocus on myself and just being able to accept that “ x day” just sucks but Y day is coming.

Hang in there : hug:

Your right and I know you are. I'm seeing my Psychiatrist on Tues and my Therapist on Thurs.

I'm in tears thinking of my Sister. I know she's mega worried and stressed with me I can hear it in her voice and see it in her eyes.

My friend wants me to call the crisis team tomorrow morning but I'm worried what they will say.

Thanks everyone who responded about my grandmother. I have been slow to respond as I have been very busy this past week and not on here much. BirdDancer it must be very hard to see your dad suffering and feel there is not much you can done. I am sure it is frustrating that he will not get help.
Things here are pretty decent besides being very busy. I went to breakfast with my friend and her mom who was in town yesterday. I am reading the book Is Fred In the Refrigerator? as therapy homework. It's about someone dealing with OCD and getting treatment, then becoming a therapist for OCD herself. I am just relaxing with the book and some chocolate. Can't complain!
I made a list of issues/symptoms I deal with to bring to therapy this week and see what else we can deal with in addition to OCD. Particularly I want to work on my social/interpersonal skills, self worth, skin picking, and attention issues. For attention issues I really only see mindfulness being suggested, but can't hurt to ask about it.
Sending compassion!

Thank you for reminding me to be grateful of what I do have. My daughter will be in town starting Wednesday for fall break and I’m thrilled and looking forward to that.

I truly appreciate you, your support and your wisdom. Thank you.

Well you should be worried... if you honest to god gave up 100% you wouldn’t give a shyt what anyone thinks says or does.

Why wait until your appts?? Why feel this horrible and hopeless another hour, day ?

There’s no need to punish yourself. You have done nothing wrong, chemical imbalance in your brain. You are not a bad person, you don’t go out of your way to treat people like crap.

Pack a bag, comfy shirts, yoga pants, fuzzy socks, soothing lotion.. pack and go.

You deserve help , now .. go in the hospital and float , you would be safe from disturbed lies that Bipolar is force feeding you right now. Stop it , just go