Bipolar Check-In #49

I was up to 2:30am with the worst awful stomach ache from my veg bean stew. It persisted today too. I retched. I'll have to throw it out. Not looking forward to it as the smell haunts me. Sickening. Oh well, i tried and it was cheap-like-borscht as i bought most of the ingredients at a dry bulk store. It might have been that i didn't soak the beans thoroughly enough. It was my first time using dry beans. I've only ever used canned before. Also i might have gotten too adventurous with the strains using adzuki and romano which i've never had before either. Also my 54-year-old stomach might be too weak for that dish now. Beans are hard to digest and all the fiber from the veggies spelled disaster. "I swallowed some Scrabble tiles. When i go to the bathroom it could spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R!"

Well, at least my life allows for me to rest and relax all day and recover without any consequences. I had fun trading puns with my Scrabble pal tonight. "What is that in the road? A head?" The organizer of my online Scrabble club night here in the city sought me out to play so that was nice, to be asked. I said No as i'm not up to it but it was nice to be asked. I hate to be always unaxed! Now i'm going too far!

The weather is cool so my Fall hypo/mania may start any time. I've been noticing i'm more active and excited at times. I want my mood to go up but then again i don't. It feels great but i have such bad judgement and end up embarrassing myself, tho i don't realize it until after it's over. Also, sometimes i crash hard. Last year i crashed into a fear psychosis which was horrid and so not worth the high. I sure don't want that again. I'm on 100mg of Seroquel this year tho. Last year i was only on 25mg. So i should be safe. I can go up a little if i need to. I have 25mg pills. More than 150mg gives me akathisia tho.

Hugs to all who struggle!

This moving thing is hard! Finding a place, I mean.

I took 50 of Seroquel tonight and now I'm really dozey. This is a good dose because it helps me sleep but hopefully with fewer side effects. Wonder when pdoc wants to see me again. We didn't set anything up a month ago. Maybe they're just doing a call-when-something-goes-wrong plan? They do call and check in on me- my case manager does not my pdoc.

In the interest of full disclosure, I had a good day today. Mood was a 7 all day. Yay! Just wish we could find a way to make it last more than a day. Feeling like a bit of a freak here. I had no idea people were so stable. Very happy for you all!!

Hugs.

Feel like I got nothing to say or contribute. But I gotta say I’m grateful for today. I wasn’t looking forward to driving mum to her wound appointment in another town. Not anxiety or dreading it just not looking forward to it cause I don’t like driving plus the freeway there is down to one lane. Then there’s a detoured road in that town that suddenly runs out and your no where near the road you you detoured from.

But it was a good day. I was behind a semi but he was going 60 which was the posted speed limit for the construction so that was fine. Then when I started the detour there was a smart van in front of me so I was able to follow him to the hospital and didn’t get lost! We arrived about 15 minutes early and there was a parking spot right in front so mum didn’t have to walk far. There was no one ahead of us so they took mum in right away and we were out quickly. We got an A plus on the wound care and they didn’t need to do more.

On the way home it was smooth sailing and supper was easy and filling. Thankfully the AC works and the infrastructure is intact cause it was very hot and humid out. Thank the goddess too for a trustworthy Air conditioned car. All in all a better day than I hoped for.

I’m struggling a bit with lows. Had a dream I was in and old run down high security hospital and my depression was so profound I melted into the ground. It was so real and the darkness so deep. It’s still hard to shake days later.

Don't feel like a freak. I might feel ok much of the time but I pay seriously for it. 12-14 hours of sleep daily. Limited ability to do anything, even keep my house clean, without help. I gain weight from water and I'm starving a lot of the time. I forget things all the time and need help with simple things sometimes. That's all meds and illness and it's the price i pay for feeling better. So if I answered your euthrymic question I'd say 85 but functionally it's more like 25 or even less possibly.

Cannot recall if u were in a state hospital but I feel for u. U may remember I was in the one Cuckoo's Nest was filmed at for 5 yrs. Dreams can set me back. Hugs.

Thanks, Rainbow. Clozaril makes you sleepy? He is talking about it again for me.

Hugs.

exhausted from another panic attack

and the worst part: I have no chance of relaxing. my fibro pain's made that quite clear

generally feeling sucky

Wide awake. No sleep for me. I'm so tired, but cant sleep. My son bought beer. Really pisses me off. First off we cant afford it. Second, he gets drunk and stupid and then tomorrow hell be hungover and a asshole! Since its after midnight, it's my birthday today. I haven't had a good birthday in years. Usually my family wants to take me out to dinner. These 4-6 hour panic attacks are completely ruling my life. I feel like I'm pms'ing. But I'm almost done with my period. I don't know what's wrong. Since I got off lorazepam my cycle has been completely out of whack.

I don't know if it will work with this new therapist. All he talks about is meditation. He wants me to practice it. Which I totally understand. But that's all he seems to have to offer. I'll give it a couple more weeks and if I'm not feeling it I will look for someone new. I'm not going to make any decisions right now. Just not a good idea with the anger I'm feeling. I'm seriously so sick of my life. Its just exhausting. Ugh!

I feel trapped and so worn out. I'm trying to practice gratitude but its just one thing after the other. They took me off lorazepam bc the last psych nurse I had said it can cause dementia. Now they wont put me back on it bc this new pdoc says my sleep apnea. It's so frustrating bc I know it would greatly improve my life if I was on it. Just a simple solution. But they wont put me back on it. So angry tonight...

Hi @Coolbreeze74,

I'm so sorry that you've been having such a rough go right now. I want to offer you encouragement and suggest that you do your best to do something for yourself special for your birthday. I'm so sorry for the long panic attacks. I don't know anything of the sorts, and I honestly don't want to. You are so strong to go through them.

They took me off of lorazepam too. I was given the reason that it forms horrible addictions. Isn't it strange that they put us on these meds and then take us off of them? What about hydroxyzine? I'm on that now and having great luck with my very small and infrequent panic attacks. I know its insanity to compare what I'm treated for to what you are, but I thought I'd offer it.

Anyway, I really wanted to say, LOVE and HAPPY BIRTHDAY on this most special of name days.

I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks so much for your heartfelt response. I really appreciate it! I'm on a high dose of hydroxyzine. It doesn't seem to help. But if I wasn't on it I would probably have panic attacks every day rather than every 3 days.

Thanks for the suggestion tho. And thanks for the birthday wishes. Hope you have a good day....

@~Christina, thanks so much for sharing about your experience. One week sale was excellent! I am looking forward to this afternoon when the stager comes. I will say that my husband is already stubborn about some things. For example, he is angry that anyone would ever want to cover his beloved cork floor in the foyer with what he regards as "lesser" flooring. I keep telling him that we are not the buyers. We just want bigger money, and as quickly as possible. He also grumbled about the realtor's suggestion to remove some of his art from sight. My European hubby has a few art pieces that some Americans would find slightly shocking.

Once when we were still dating (24 years ago?) he took photos of me rather nude in the forest. I was willing to do that, but quite shocked to find out that he shared those "artistic photos" with his friend. He thought nothing of it, but I...sort of felt...Um...uncomfortable.

I'm sorry you feel so sick, but the line you wrote above is brilliantly funny!

I hope you feel better soon, whatever2013!

I had never hear the word "unaxed". Cool for me to learn a new word. Thanks for sharing.

Excellent! I hope today is equally nice (or even nicer).

I'm glad your drive was less stressful than expected. It's hard to get smooth easy drives in my area. It was at its best at the height of the covid-19 in my state.

Hoping your mood starts to lift soon. Regarding bad dreams, this may sound silly but sometimes I imagine in my head shutting the door on them or "thowing them down a mountain" to stop their negative effects.

I'm sorry you're not looking forward to it, but I want to wish you a happy birthday, all the same, Coolbreeze. If you truly don't want to go out to a restaurant, is it possible your family order a nice takeout dinner to be eaten at home? Your family could join you there, and maybe even help take care of the dishes afterwards.

I have experienced some therapists in the past that were more into breathing techniques and meditation than I was ready for. My husband had a therapist that was VERY into meditation. I won't mention my case, but my husband flat out told his therapist that the meditation was not for him and that he'd prefer another approach. His therapist did change. Yours must have some different approach. If not, and if they are a one trick pony, then maybe a new therapist is in order. Perhaps someday meditation will be more useful or appealing for you. There is a time and place for everything, I think.

Update:

My pdoc fit me in on her lunch break, bless her heart.

She put me on Zyprexa (on top of the Abilify, Lamictal, etc. I'm already taking). She said it's temporary to get me out of this horrific depression. I've also heard things and when I look at myself in the mirror, it's like it's not me, it's the scariest feeling. The last time that happened was when I was manic many years ago. But back then I thought I saw a monster.

The main side effect I feel is dizziness. I haven't felt anything else.

Happy birthday, Breeze!! I hope it gets better.

Maybe try Buspar, Seroquel, or gabapentin?

Hugs.

Hugs.yay--hope it helps.

Don't freak about the mirror. The parts of thebrain that recognize self and faces are malfunctioning when we are psychotic. Common. It will abate.

Hugs!!

Albert woke me up at 1 to play. Ugh. Tard (that is Texan for tired).

@coolbreeze -- Happy Birthday!! Be sure to do something special for yourself, ok?

@Gabyunbound -- Hope the xyprexa helps!!

@whatever - Sorry your stew didn't agree with you. Since beans and veggies are so good for you, maybe you could just do small amounts (and with luck be able to increase over time) I'm 57 and eat them all the time. Abrupt changes or larger amounts can definitely throw your system a curveball, no doubt about it. But try the small amounts approach first before writing them off, ok?

@Nammu -- Good to see you. I've had that melting thing when things are quite bad. Good it was just a dream, unsettling as it was. I hope you feel better soon.

More, but it is time to get ready for work....

Hugs to all who would like them!!

Yes, two state hospitals in two different states. One put a full page ad in the newspaper about 4 years after I ran away from there and apologized for what they had been doing and said they were charging. Far too little way too late.

I feel kinda crappy again. I got my eyes examined and the eye doctor said my vision is ok but that my eyes are dry and itchy which just makes me think even more that I have something medical going on. I haven’t been very hungry again today and my therapist emailed me today because she sent me an email yesterday after I sent her some stuff she wanted and she said she’d send me a more in depth one today.

In her email she said she knows she has been tougher on me and it “really doesn’t have anything to do with your personality but just that our sessions have been deeper so I feel like I need to push you.”

Ouch. I didn’t even mention my personality in the email I sent her yesterday. I just asked what was going on between us. So I sent her another email asking why she was being tougher on me if it was just the melatonin thing and I questioned the personality comment and she apologized for using the word and didn’t really answer my question about why she was being tougher on me but did say the melatonin issue was a safety thing and all that.

I’m not exactly happy right now but I really don’t feel well either.

So sorry.

I don't know if it is clozapine or gabapentin or the combination (probably) but something makes me pretty tired. I also have broken sleep so it takes more hours to get enough sleep. According to my fitbit I get about 10 hours per night and I'm trying to sleep 12-14 hours to get that on average. My sleep has been screwy since 2 days after I came home from the hospital after I was born so it's hard to know for sure. I just know that maintaining sleep however it takes is vitally important for me.

Don't mean to scare you off. It's totally worth any side effects to me and I honestly doubt it's that sedating for most people based on talking ot others taking it or who have taken it.