Bipolar check-in #56

So far today I feel pretty good. I got my shot and I feel like it leveled out my moods. I got 3 $1 iced tea instead of coffee. I tried Sonics bursting bubbles in my iced teas but only one of the teas had them. It was 50 cents to add them but it’s not a big deal. I had a Mountain Dew earlier and I haven’t eaten anything yet. But my anxiety is a lot better then I expected it to be. My pain isn’t really there today either. Things still look good. I’m kind of bummed my surgeon never called. But I see my primary on Thursday. So at least I’m seeing someone.

Edit: My anxiety is now kind of rough. My first Xanax went right through me. I’m trying not to take more then I’m prescribed today. I ate some roast beef and it just helped with my hunger. I wish I could get involved in a TV show. Right now I just have MeTV on. Some western is on. Maybe I’ll do laundry.

Edit #2: my anxiety is now a lot better and I’m actually in a decent mood. Maybe the Xanax is just taking longer to work now. I am able to do my laundry and clean up a bit in my room. I found my swim trunks that didn’t fit last summer and I thought I had donated them. They fit now though. I just ordered 2 pairs yesterday from Aeropostale. I’ll return those. I’m going to the lake in late July. It’s been a yearly thing since 2016 but last year I skipped it because of Covid. I’d like to be able to take my shirt off and swim but that may freak my uncles out a bit. They are accepting and stuff but me going without a shirt might be too much. Plus I’m not sure how things will look regarding my scars. I’m going to Michigan which I think is pretty liberal at least the part where I’m going but I’m not sure.

I named all my kids N names so their nicknames are N1 N2 and N3.

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 Seems a lot of us are having high mood, which is par for the course with bipolar in the Spring. I'm no exception. I'm enjoying a nice mild hypomania. Tons of energy, little need for sleep, spending cavalierly (thank God for refunds!), garrulous (can't stop talking about good memories of the past, my poor neighbors, i just go on and on but they seem to be enjoying themselves, i keep things light and funny), threw a physically distanced party, super active and sweating and tolerating pain better, etc. Yesterday was one of the most successful days of my life. I finally finished off a small reno i've been working on for a year, the replacement of my ugly bathroom cabinet doors that were obstructed by the toilet and have vexed me since i moved in here 16 years ago, with an exquisite white shower cutain half (photo attached), i hope you like it. I just ripped the doors off using brute strength, hauled them down to garbage and then installed the curtain rod and hung the curtain. So i did that from 4:00am to 8:00am. Then i went grocery shopping and to Walmart. I bought $270 worth of groceries, but remember that's not all food, a lot of it is paper products, a 24-pack of toilet paper, a six-pack of paper towel, six boxes of Kleenex and also toiletries like liquid hand soap X2, deodorant, etc. I bought a ton of canned beans as i'm trying to go vegan and that's about the only vegan protein i like. They've got good fiber too. I also drink vegan protein powder but i just choke it down, it's not tasty, but so important to keep my protein number up while i'm being so active SO I CAN BUILD MUSCLE!!!!! I also bought a ton of fresh fruit and veg and have already eaten the strawberries (sooooooooo good) and pineapple. I've had a salad with baby lettuce, mushrooms and radishes -- yum! I didn't buy any non-vegan food. I have some vegan cheese and vegan faux meats on the way from online. I hope the cheese is good, i LOVE dairy cheese. Then i went to Walmart and looked over their dog harnesses but they were crap so i ordered one online. It's really elaborate, pink and black, my dog is going to look like a mountain climber in it!!! It's adjustable in three places so i'm hopeful it will work when flimsier harnesses haven't. It's also an XS as she can wiggle out of an S. It was pricey at $42.50 off Amazon but i feel it will be more humane than a collar. I bought a hula-hoop for the dogs to jump thru and tried some of my old gymnastics tricks and ended up falling and scraping my leg. Moving around in a 240-pound body is very different from moving around in 120-pound body. SIGH!!! Well, i have my first phone call with the woman i've been texting with for two weeks on the Facebook dating app in in 3.5 hours. Hope it goes well, will have to be fast on my verbal feet and not give anything about bipolar away. It's not something to talk about right away. Eventually, but not right away. Also attached is a picture of an exquisite barrel accent chair with ottoman in vintage French script fabric that i finally bought after having my eye on it for a year. Hugs to all! Jane.

I adore the French script set. It's darling!

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I named all my kids N names so their nicknames are N1 N2 and N3.

So funny, both of my kids are N names, too.

I finally took a shower after 4 days not taking one. Don’t know why but it was hard to motivate myself to take one.

Had to have maintenance come yesterday to fix something in my apartment. Glad that’s done. Monday I have an apartment inspection.

My apartment complex is also having a series of adult nutrition/cooking classes starting next week in the community room so I’m going to start going to that!

I’m trying to eat healthier (less sugar), it’s hard. I get such bad sugar cravings. Trying to lose weight and lower my cholesterol.

My mood is good. I have a video appointment with my psychiatrist Tuesday and one with my therapist Friday. Will be nice to see them on video since it’s been so long since I’ve seen them in person ( since Covid started we were doing phone call appointments but they finally got their video appointment thing set up now)

I’m probably gonna watch the movie Elf today (with Will Ferrel). And read a lot, I’m reading 3 books at the moment.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Originally Posted by rose1985 I kinda regret sharing all that. Feel exposed or something. And like I betrayed my son. Only one person responded and I don't know what to make of that. I'm feeling uncomfortable and anxious and I just don't need that.

Oh, gosh. Please don't feel bad. Your situation reminds me of a wonderful woman I knew whose son was schizophrenic...they were very close, but he had episodes of becoming violent with her. He lived in a group home. She was actually president of my local NAMI chapter.

I'm sure you have everyone's compassion here, and no one's judgment. I haven't been able to reply to as many posts as I like to because of my damned anxiety. When it's that high, simply typing feels almost like pain.

My new country (Czech Republic) is definitely happy right now, as Barbora Krejcikova, a young Czech woman, just won the French Open tennis championship. Yay! My husband was crying.

Tomorrow I'll be mostly on my own. Hubby is heading to Prague to visit his friend. The one that had been sick from a covid-induced psychosis. He literally just showed up in Czech Republic without telling my husband he was even coming. His friend texted him earlier today that he was in Prague. Frankly, though we had heard that he seemed "better", it's not 100% sure. In any case, Hubby is going there to talk to him and maybe see what he can do to help him in some way. First Hubby will visit his sister who lives just 40 mins outside of Prague (en route), then he'll go into the city to see the friend. I'm not sure if Hubby will come home late tomorrow night, or maybe the next day. Where we live is about a 2-hour drive from Prague.We're actually about the same distance to Vienna, Austria and the Slovak Republic capital of Bratislava.

I'm looking forward to a little time by myself. I used to have a lot before the pandemic (waaaaaaaaay over a year ago).

I have weekly appointments with my pdoc; this week with my anxiety at panic levels she increased my perphenazine (AP) dose quite substantially. Thank the universe. I'm still anxious, but there a disconnect of sorts; at least I can pretty much "unlock" my shoulders and jaw. I'm hoping that after a few more doses the anxiety is down even lower.


My husband's family has a picnic today, it's a yearly gathering, so I'm looking forward to just getting out and seeing some people. My son will be there, which is a delight! My daughter is still refusing to communicate with me (since my last IP in Nov. 2018), which is heartbreaking. But I try my best to keep marching ahead. The picnic is held at a park named after my husband's father, so that's kind-of fun.

It’s amazing how much my comfort unicorn is helping me. I’m still depressed but as long as I have her to hug and sit on my chest the uncomfortable skin crawling feeling is at bay.

Last night I had to take RS to the ER as he was in extreme pain. Kidney stone! It was passing into the bladder. He’s more comfortable now but not looking forward to the rest of the passing! I had already taken my seroquel unfortunately. I sat with him in the waiting room for awhile but I had to go out to my car and sleep for awhile. Unfortunately my car seat wouldn’t go back so my neck and head hurt like hell right now.

My phone isn’t working again which I just don’t understand because it’s a brand new replacement phone that I got under warranty. I’m wondering if it’s something with my number. I hope not, I’ve had this number since I got my own plan way back in 2007. It will be a pain for me to remember a new number.

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Originally Posted by Lizzie1813 I’ve been having trouble sleeping the last week and a half because I’ve been hypomanic. My doctor increased my Saphris from 10 mg to 20 mg. Yesterday, she added Lunesta. I slept well last night which is a relief. If I can focus, I’d like to paint with watercolors today.

Painting sounds divine. I hope you are able to do some today.

Gotcha! We’re you born in 72?

I guess I’m dealing with some post op depression and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a good therapist and my mom isn’t around right now and I don’t think I can text her. I’m just kind of at a loss right now.

I read this can last up to a month and at this stage a lot of anxiety is common. I’m also really paranoid. I feel like the government is watching me. I just took another Xanax and it isn’t helping. I don’t want to text my mom right now because she’s really busy but I need her.

I noticed today a teacher that I was very close to in high school deleted and blocked me on Facebook. He’s very transphobic, homophobic, and very pro life. When I announced I was transitioning in Feb 2020 he sent me a PM asking me to reconsider because no matter how many surgeries or hormones I took I’d still be female. He said he was just “looking out for me” and “wasn’t judging it was just what God wanted” we stayed friends though. I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t care but I was hoping him seeing how happy I was with my posts on my transition and surgeries would help him change his mind. I have other transphobic people on my Facebook but we are just civil to each other and we just agree to disagree. But yeah it does hurt a bit to have my favorite high school teacher be so biased against me to the point that he needs to block me.

I was so frenetically busy with my reno and shopping and socializing with my neighbors yesterday that i took today off in exhaustion. I haven't been sleeping well either and last night was particularly bad.

It didn't help that the phone date i had scheduled for this morning fell thru when the woman did not pick-up and hasn't contacted me to explain either. I'm going to let her go, i was doing all the heavy-lifting anyways.

She has a career and a family, so i think she might be kidding herself when she thinks she has time for a girlfriend. All i ever got were some hurried distracted messages. A relationship is clearly not high on her list of priorities and i want to be treated like a queen so i'd best move on.

I'll be meeting a whole bunch of new people in September IRL anyways as i turn 55 in late August and FINALLY qualify for a vibrant seniors center in my city, so maybe i'll hold my horses til then.

Rethinking the whole same-sex relations too. I've been het all my life. I guess i'm bi and it doesn't matter what gender the person is as long as i'm in love with them.

So, it's been a disappointing day. I comforted myself with food and pop and i have weigh-in tomorrow morning, so it was bad timing. I finished the day with a good salad tho, so hopefully all the vegetable fiber will help me eliminate the junk as waste.

Jane.

Thank you soupe and bethrags. That helped ease my mind some.

I finally got about 6 hours of sleep. For the last 3 days before that I was only getting 4 hours a night. So I'm feeling less paranoid about things. And my period started, I always feel better after it starts.

Yeah I feel misunderstood on here sometimes. Take things too personal when you guys are just dealing with your own problems.

But I just have too much going on right now and I wouldn't be able to offer anything back right now. We are hopefully having the meeting with my sons team Wednesday. I have to prepare for that. His psychiatrist put him on 10 mgs zyprexa and he is on the invega injection and 12 mgs of invega in pill form. He was doing better but he gained like 20 lbs. So he wanted to be taken off the zyprexa and replace it with something. Well his psychiatrist just took him off it without replacing it with something. So now my son is completely psychotic again. I have been trying to get my son to sign a release of information so I can talk to his psychiatrist. He hasn't done it. So I talked to my son last night and he wants to go back on the zyprexa. It makes me angry bc my son has had 2 appts with him and he says no to putting him on anything else. My son told me that a lot of people there are on zyprexa. Zyprexa works very well I get that but it can cause a whole bunch of horrible side effects. I think the psychiatrist is just lazy and its just easier to put everyone on zyprexa. So hopefully I can talk to the psychiatrist at the team meeting. But it looks like he will be going back on zyprexa. And that's just one little thing I have to discuss with them.

Good news though, him and his roommate are getting along. I'm so glad. Hes just been relying on me for the majority of his needs. I kept telling him he needs to try and make some friends.

But the goal is to eventually

have him become stable and be able to get a apt on his own.

But I will post here and there I just can't really be supportive to others right now. I hope people understand that.

Thanks everyone and wish me luck that the team meeting is a success.

And to anyone struggling right now, I hope things improve for you.

Oh and thanks everyone for the hugs! I really appreciate it. I was just being too paranoid and taking things too personal. I was on 5 mgs of zyprexa and I've lowered it down to half. I have just got to lose weight. I've gained a ton from psych meds. Anyway I think that's affecting me too. Its so difficult trying to find the right combo as I'm sure everyone can relate. So take care everyone!

I just rechipped my tooth! It was originally chipped when I was 10- I was hit in the mouth by an old fashioned water pump handle. It got fixed at the time. Then maybe 5 years ago, the fix came off. I had it fixed again. Now tonight, I was eating a peach and broke off the fix! They want me to get two crowns anyway but now I really need them but I can't afford that. It was fixed 5 years ago with a filler. I'm hoping that's what I can get get done again. Why is it always fruit that breaks teeth? Pic for reference!

Yep! Next year is the big 5-0!

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I guess I’m dealing with some post op depression and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a good therapist and my mom isn’t around right now and I don’t think I can text her. I’m just kind of at a loss right now. I read this can last up to a month and at this stage a lot of anxiety is common. I’m also really paranoid. I feel like the government is watching me. I just took another Xanax and it isn’t helping. I don’t want to text my mom right now because she’s really busy but I need her. I noticed today a teacher that I was very close to in high school deleted and blocked me on Facebook. He’s very transphobic, homophobic, and very pro life. When I announced I was transitioning in Feb 2020 he sent me a PM asking me to reconsider because no matter how many surgeries or hormones I took I’d still be female. He said he was just “looking out for me” and “wasn’t judging it was just what God wanted” we stayed friends though. I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t care but I was hoping him seeing how happy I was with my posts on my transition and surgeries would help him change his mind. I have other transphobic people on my Facebook but we are just civil to each other and we just agree to disagree. But yeah it does hurt a bit to have my favorite high school teacher be so biased against me to the point that he needs to block me.

His loss! I just do not understand how someone can think of himself as a Godly person, then judge like your former teacher has judged you. What a hypocrite.

The family gathering was so nice. The park was absolutely lovely with great, big trees and perfect weather for a picnic. Spending time with my son was wonderful...it always makes things feel "right" when I'm with my children.

I had a lovely breakfast with my daughter. It lasted until I started crying in her car about the situation I find myself in. She gave me some cold, hard truths about my big heart and boundaries and about potential longevity of my family. It was necessary. I have the attitude that if I just try hard enough I can fix anything. Sometimes that front cracks.

I learned a lot on my seminar on aging. Valuable tips. The sound and light healing ceremony was good as well.

I’m supposed to go to the creek with mom but tonight I’m just too sad. I’ll go to bed and start fresh tomorrow.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday

I helped my daughter out for the last two days with a garage sale. Today was much better weather and my grandkids were there too. My three year old granddaughter got her first bike last week and rides it like a pro already. She’ll be fine when they take the training wheels off. She wanted money so her mum gave her the pennies to play with and we made shapes with them. Then she gave one old man a penny because she liked him. A girl her age came with her mum and grandmother and the two of them played while mum shopped.

Then after I arrived home my daughter texted a picture of the free stuff they’d put on the curb,…! It caught fire 🔥! Well one box did. Nobody know how but the box had an aluminum disk and a glass bottle in it so maybe they did intensifying the sun and started the cardboard on fire? The neighbors saw the fire and rushed their hose over and got my daughter and sil attention. What an ending to a garage sale!

I’m all showered and decked out in pjs for the night. It’s been a good two days.

I understand this sentiment! It's the same way with me.

Glad the fire was put out!

Isn't that the best feeling- being all showered and in your pjs?

Depressed, high anxiety, sleeping too much. I'm only up about 7 hours a day. don't want to eat, highly distracted. just not good. I need to act better this week.

I'm glad they got the fire put out, quickly. Fast thinking on the part of the neighbor. Fires can be scary. My husband and I had one on our deck some years back. I certainly hope your daughter's fire was just that bottle/disk and not some arseny.