Bipolar check-in #56

I had my appointment with my doctor. I was subdued. I rejected his offer of an educational program for diabetics and pre-diabetics. My sugar numbers are borderline but they've been that way for 25 years. It never gets any worse.

He knows i'm trying to go vegan. I can't attend a class and listen to someone drone on about the murder and torture of animals. My doctor does not seem to be sensitive to that.

He offered another appointment and i turned him down. He had nothing to say about my romantic disappointment and feelings of rejection.

He had nothing to say about my four pound weight loss over the last two weeks except, "Let's not concentrate on the numbers." I felt slapped across the face!

It was a miserable appointment and i ended it after ten minutes. Last time we talked for a half an hour and the time before we talked for a whole hour!

I applied for an abdominal ultra-sound weeks ago and have not heard anything back. Seems like asking for help with my pain falls on deaf ears, so why bother asking for help with it?

I felt better when i was just suffering in silence. At least then i didn't have incontrovertible evidence that no one cares and that there is no help out there for me -- something i concluded long ago and just fleetingly forgot in the fervor of my hypomania. I'll go back to suffering in silence.

I feel my Spring hypomania unravelling. I'm tired of not being able to sleep.

It's 2:00am here and i slept for five hours from 8:00pm. I doubt i cleared 1000 calories yesterday. I was still recovering from my weekend of bingeing.

I ate mostly veg and protein powder.

I feel so tired and dejected and frustrated! Why did that darn CG have to do me like that? I rarely reach out and i just get stung when i do. Teaches me not to reach out any more.

I have an IKEA bedframe to set up and it's urgent because having my bed on the floor like that is a bedbug hazard and i had a small infestation twelve years ago and live i fear of it happening again.

At the same time i live in fear of attempting to set up the IKEA furniture because it's defeated me before. I have a pile of dishes to do.

I'm still exhausted from my epic day on Friday and angry with myself for overdoing it so badly when i know only too well that it takes many days to recover from too much exercise.

Sure, it's nice to have the kitchen stocked full of good-quality vegan food and it's nice to have a pretty bathroom again, but was it worth languishing on the sofa for four days? No.

The only good news is that i ordered three bras after a lifetime of not wearing any and i need to at this weight and they are fabulous!!! They really improve my figure! I have CLEAVAGE at this weight!

One is black, one yellow and the other orange. They're so comfortable, in silky, slippery fabric, with foam inserts. They were only $11 each!!! I ordered three more. Makes me feel so SEXY!!!!!

That's the advantage of being PHAT (Pretty Hot And Thick). Nice breasts. Well, there has to be SOME advantage!

Jane.

[QUOTE=whatever2013;7084406]

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That's the advantage of being PHAT (Pretty Hot And Thick). Nice breasts. Well, there has to be SOME advantage! Jane.

The grass is always greener....! I'd rather be a small B than the D/DD that I currently am!

[QUOTE=Moose72;7084432]I was a size H before surgery. No joke. I went and got sized at Nordstrom. And I am a small in shirts because I have a really small stomach. So I was basically all breasts before.

This must be a dream come true for you then! I had a reduction in 2003 from an F down to a small B. I lost a bunch of weight between my consultation and my surgery so at surgery I probably was a D. Still, when I was a small B., I felt good! No more heavy weight pulling on my shoulders and back. Truthfully, I have sometimes wished to have my breasts removed completely! But I would look funny I know at my current weight. But were I to get skinny again it would be wonderful . I don't know if I can lose enough weight to make them smaller just through regular weight loss. They are so big that my gi jacket for judo has to be extra big to accommodate my breasts! As a result I look huge in my gi.

After two weeks of mania, I’m still waiting for the increase of my Saphris to start helping. I’m still not sleeping great even though my doctor prescribed Lunesta 1 mg. She only gave me 5. I called her and she bumped it to 2 mg, but I’m waiting on a prior authorization. I really need sleep. I’m afraid of getting worse. I had my first psychotic episode a year ago, and I’m terrified of it happening again.

Yeah I am happy although now I look like a scrawny teenage boy. I need to start building muscle as soon as I can.

When I lost my weight in 2015 my breast size did not go down. I have heard the bigger size you are the less you will go down even with massive weight loss. It was very discouraging to me not going down.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Things will work out

Well my new doctor did it, he refused to fill my prescription for my sleeping pills. That was last week. Since I take slightly less than I’m prescribed I had a few more. Now I have one per night when usually I take one and a half except on Sunday, Wednesday and Saturday when I take the whole 2. One isn’t enough. I spent the night tossing and turning. Around 7am I fell into a dream but knew I was in bed dreaming.

Stephen Colbert was my therapist. He makes a pretty good therapist too! I drove a small electric car to his brownstone in ny. ( he doesn’t live in NY) (I googled him and lots in my dream was wrong) there was a front room where he did therapy and a curtain across a door, he sat behind the curtain in front of a huge computer and I sat on the other side in front on another computer and we talked face to face. Then his dog came racing though( he does have a dog) and pushed over the computers, so we sat face to face and I was happier to be able to lip read his real face. Then before my time was up the ceiling started leaking, dripping on Stephen. I said my goodbyes and walked back to my car. There was a dangerous intersection where cars were crashing but I made it across safely. But I only drove closer to his house and parked and went back in. I didn’t know I was doing that. He was fixing the leak and asked me why I was there and I kind of woke up and said “I don’t know sorry.” I went back out but I was confused and walked around and then into a basement attached to the brownstone. It was his basement. He had a poker game going and they came downstairs to see who was in his house. I was rolled up by a window unresponsive and with my eyes unseeing. I could hear though. And they were discussing what to do. Don Rickles was there and being the kind warm voice and someone was being the devils advocate. They rolled me onto a sheet and picked up the corners to carry me up the stairs back into the front room. And put me on a sofa. As they were wondering what to do Stephen said,” she told me her doctor cold turkey day her off of sleeping pills and she hasn’t slept in 4 days” they decided that I was in a sleep state. Then I started coming out of it and they wouldn’t let me drive home. They put me in an Uber and sent my car home by remote control!

Ha ha what a fun dream.

I saw the nurse practitioner. It was a FaceTime. She asked some questions about my pain, and looked at the swelling and the bruising. She asked me if the right side hurt more and I said yeah. She asked my mom to poke the bruise on my right side to see what it felt like. She said things will be going down a lot and I should still be in pain and my chest should still look like this. She told me I looked great though. She said not to lift anything over 20 pounds, not to exercise at all, or go swimming for 4 weeks and she wants me to see my surgeon on July 8th. She said to wrap my chest in an ace bandage and that should help the swelling and bruising.

I didn’t know this would be so complicated and I’d still be feeling and looking this way 12 days later. I thought recovery would be a lot quicker. But I guess I had both liposuction and surgery. I have an ace bandage on now and it feels a lot better. I took some Tylenol a few minutes ago too.

As for my anxiety it’s a bit rough but I managed yesterday with just 2 Xanax. So I know I can do it. My depression isn’t really there today. I still can’t really eat anything but canned roast beef and Goldfish crackers. Last night I ate a couple pieces of cauliflower crust pizza. I got some iced teas from Sonic today.

My family is really intrigued by my canned roast beef and they are asking for some. I don’t think canned roast beef is very common. It tastes better then the crock pot stuff too.

I’m having this weird issue going on. It went away for a bit. Then came back a couple nights ago. Last night it was really bad. The situation is awkward so I don’t want to tell my mom. I can talk to my therapist about it though. But I see my primary on Thursday and I’m going to have to tell him. He may refer me to a specialist. This could be beneficial in having it medically necessary for me to get a hysterectomy. But the thought of having another surgery makes me sick. Although I do want to get one done.

A during and an after pic! It was hard to get shots because my lip and nose were and still are numb! All went perfectly though. I get the permanent ones in 3 weeks.

Excellent tooth fix!

Hubby and I worked on a few projects today. Put together an outdoor chair/table set. Then we hung new tie backs for our bedroom and living room curtains. I had to use some cherries up, so made a clafouti. Also needed to use up some peaches, so I made peaches and cream scones. The latter are very yummy! I'm freezing half. Now I'm just tired, and it's only around 6:45 pm. I'm unsure what is on the agenda for tomorrow.

The peaches 🍑 and cream scones sound wonderful!

I just returned from the pool. I had two hours to myself. It does wonders for my mental health. It was heavenly. I also enjoyed my visit with my daughter this weekend and with my nephew who is in from the military.

My pharmacy sent me a video on the responsible use of clonazepam. This after I went without it for 6 days because of a pharmacy screw up. It’s kind of insulting truth be told. I don’t abuse it.

My sleep is spotty. I’m going to try a few new things to fix it. I know several people on here are having sleep problems. I hope you all get adequate rest soon.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

Welcome aboard! I’m glad you’re here.

They are even easy and quick to make. I do the brief kneading in the large bowl the dough ends up in, then transfer it to a parchment paper lined cookie sheet, where I shape, cut, separate, etc. If interested, the recipe I used is at Peaches and Cream Scones - Baker by Nature I didn't peel the peaches. I only would if the skins were too thick or fuzzy, which they weren't. The only modification I made was to add a few drops of almond extract, when mixing the sour cream/cream/egg mixture. The recipe doesn't call for it, but I think it adds extra flavor that coordinates well.

I will definitely make the above again.

I'm so incredibly impressed! And you didn't kill each other in the process? My partner & I are equally challenged when it comes to such feats of engineering, so we often get short with each other.

@Jennifer 1967...I'm so glad your regimin of self-care continues! Feels good, doesn't it?

@Nammu...I'm sorry about the problems getting your medication. I hope it doesn't interfere too much with your sleep. Also, I'm amazed at your ability to recall your dreams so vividly. Stephen Colbert would definitely be my first choice as a therapist.

@whatever2013...I'm sorry your therapy session didn't go well. Be careful with that hypomania unraveling. There could be dangerous waters ahead if you don't mind your P's & Q's (at least that's been my experience in the past). Congrats on the weight loss! Two pounds is great progress!

I don't know exactly how, or why, but I slept 8 consecutive hours last night. Maybe it's the AP finally kicking in? Whatever the case may be, I feel much better today.

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Originally Posted by xllewbowski I'm just a little off. Kind of worried about getting to know this place. I hope it will be nice.

Welcome!

@xllewbowski, welcome! I hope you will find it nice, too. We'd love to have your company.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 ... My pharmacy sent me a video on the responsible use of clonazepam. ...

My mom came in my room and opened my blinds because I’ve been sitting in the dark all day and I won’t go to the store with her. This depression sucks. I have therapy tomorrow and I want to end things with her but I’m not sure I have the energy to do it tomorrow. I need to at least talk to her about how I feel about her. Maybe she’ll suggest switching me to someone else without me bringing it up first.

I kind of feel like therapists don’t necessarily like me except for the one who died a couple months ago. She really liked me. I don’t dislike them though. I just don’t click with some. I don’t know. I don’t have a history of trauma, abuse, or neglect and my family is so supportive of me so maybe therapists just think I’m wasting their time.

This current one I can tell that she knows she makes me uncomfortable. She’s always saying “I hope that was ok” when she does stuff or “I hope that didn’t scare you.” When she does something else.

I’m kind of just questioning this whole therapy thing right now.

Vraylar hasn't been doing anything. Been taking temazepam every night even though I set myself a two nights on two nights off limit because I am scared if I'm up at 2am I'll die but I'm also scared if I'm asleep at 2am I'll die but I'm also scared I'll live to see the next day. Even with the temazepam I'm still up at ridiculous hours and several nights I've had to wake up my mom and do some anxious paranoid rambling to her. But 4 hours of sleep every night does help more than two. Went to the drs today because the poison ivy spread to my eye and is covering my left arm and hand and my lower left leg (with some small patches elsewhere). Rx cream and said if in a week I still have any rashes to call back. I don't even know where all my rashes are. Running and yoga are helping my pacing. I haven't eaten anything so far today and it's 4pm, not hungry tho

Im so glad you got some good sleep. I think sleep is the number one way to stay stable.

I remember my dreams so well because decades ago I took a college course on Jung and over the semester we were to train ourselves to remember our dreams and keep a dream journal. It was an interesting class and taught the Ah ha, moment of recognizing what dreams meant. I still remember one dream I used to have, it was a penny falling from the sky. End over end then it changed into a dime, then a nickel and finally a quarter which then bubbled up like acid had been pored on it. All it meant was that things around me were changing. I first had that dream when I transferred universities. Simple, No?

Uuuugh I really did it yesterday. I absolutely knew I shouldn’t have done the bending exercises but I did anyway and now I’m paying for it. I can only hope I didn’t shift things around permanently. I was supposed to get an MRI back in March but my mental health completely tanked so I haven’t been yet. I really have to psych myself up for an MRI because I am terribly claustrophobic, like I can’t even take elevators unless it’s 100% necessary. I did the open MRI the first time for my back and it was tolerable but only just since my head was almost in the tube. Enough of me was out that I didn’t completely panic. But if the pain doesn’t go away with rest for the next few days I’ll have to call my dr and get another order for one

I did indeed get a full on migraine last night. I had to keep an ice pack on my head and lay in the darkish bedroom from 6pm on. I was anxious this morning because I still felt pressure in my head and I was afraid I’d have another one tonight. Of course it feeds on itself because emotional distress seems to bring them on more often. I’m calmer now and I can still feel residual pain in my head and nausea but I’m taking preventative action and keeping lights low, sounds low, and staying off my phone for the most part.

My mood is still good. I made a slightly more complicated dinner last night. I’m making dinner again tonight, one with about 10 ingredients including herbs and spices. It also requires slicing an onion. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal for a lot of people but it’s very easy for me to be overwhelmed by recipes. However I am trying to eat less sugar which means less processed foods.

I know what you mean about complicated recipes. For me it’s my back that gets in the way. I’ve learned to sit at the table to do things like chopping an onion. And I put out the ingredients before I start so I don’t forget anything. I also give myself permission to go slowly

I can see why they say people who misuse Xanax are skinny. I’ve barely eaten today but my mind just wants a Xanax instead of food.

I am in a lot of trouble and I’ll be in even more trouble after therapy and my Pdoc appointment.

I’m calling my Pdoc now and asking if he can raise my lamictal. I am going crazy with anxiety and depression and I don’t know how much more I can take. But I know I can’t wait until Monday.

I left a message for my Pdoc. I took my Geodon and ate some noodles from a couple cans of soup. So far my anxiety isn’t much better but I don’t feel as frantic as I did before with my moods.