Bipolar check-in #60

My brother is having emergency surgery tomorrow. I’m really happy because he is in such pain. They’ll take out the rod and screws that have gone through the bone and do a hip replacement instead. I’m also meeting my daughter for coffee since she is in town. Her dad, my ex husband, had a heart attack and I’m comforting her and supporting her through it. I understand he will be okay. It was a good test to gauge my feelings 10 years post divorce. My only thoughts were for my daughter. No ill will or glee or anything of the sort so that’s good. I’d be concerned if there were feelings of any sort.

I have a pedicure and massage that I am looking forward to tomorrow.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

Yes I noticed that too

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Lol When I was a freshman I took off with a girl from my Dorm and drove to Chicago for a weekend so I could see the king tut exhibit. Her father lived there so we could crash at his place. We got stuck on the loop and lost in a gettho. But it is a treasured memory. I didn’t tell my parents. They had a fit when they found out.

I bet they did! But N3 is so stubborn and always has been. Ugh.

I am in school for my BSW and it’s nearing the end of my first semester of straight social work classes. It ain’t easy folks. I’m so ready for the semester to end. Quantitative statistics and research is freaking killing me!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 I am in school for my BSW and it’s nearing the end of my first semester of straight social work classes. It ain’t easy folks. I’m so ready for the semester to end. Quantitative statistics and research is freaking killing me!!!

That's GREAT!! I mean being near the end of the semester, not the stats and research

Last night I was super lethargic because of getting off the whole med situation and not because of anything else. I ate an egg and drank a protein shake and I fell asleep around 6. I woke up at 11:30 and I was anxious. I made a Kraft macaroni and cheese cup in the microwave and I didn’t want to be up all night with anxiety and what else so I got back to sleep fairly quickly and I slept on and off until 4:30. Then I fell back asleep again for 20 minutes or so around 5:45. I have therapy this morning and I am not going to tell her everything because her only answer would be to go to the ER when this is not an ER issue. I am keeping in touch with my doctor and that’s all that needs to be done at this point. I don’t think she quite gets what is going on here. I’m not sure many people do except my mom and my doctor. So it may be best to limit what I tell her.

I have a bunch of painful blistering inflamed acne on my face due to my meds and it hurts so badly right now. I washed my face with soap and used my facial cleanser and that just burned so badly. I finally rubbed my face all over with acne cream but it’s still pretty painful. Also a piece of hair on the back of my head came out and I’m trying not to panic. I know it’s just one piece of hair but for ftm one of the side effects of the meds is hair loss. And hair loss runs big in my family. Bigots who are against trans people aren’t exactly wrong when they say these meds can be harmful to your body.

I at least seem to be more alert and awake after all that water I was splashing on my face for 10 minutes.

So it's cold out and i've switched to hot drinks but the only tea i have left over from last Winter that i can find is this sleep-inducing brand and i've been sooooooooo drowsy! I went to bed at 7:30pm last night, like a little kid! I have GOT to get some regular tea!

The good times continue to roll with my TV gadget. So nice to hold a remote in my hand again and be goddess of my household! The remote is really nice too, it's the size and weight of a large cracker, it's got a rechargeable battery in it that hooks up to a USB port. I haven't had to charge it yet at all. It has a mic in it and i can command Siri to do my bidding! Having a great time with it!

God I was acting like a complete drunk in therapy today. First off I told her my issues were testosterone related. And she did make the immediate care comment but she didn’t make it seem like it was necessary. But after that I was so lethargic and my vision was so blurry and I was just like blurting out my whole life story from age 13-18 about what school was like. Then I was going on about my sexuality and if I’m a trans guy and I like girls does that make me straight? And then I went on about work and other stuff and I was just going on about complete shite with my eyes closed and my thumb and forefinger pressing the bridge of my nose and spewing out word diarrhea for an hour straight. She thought it was great though that I was opening up so much and that she was getting to know me more. She suggested I either get a coffee or take a nap when the session ended so I got a coffee and I’m sitting up in bed. I mean I guess The session was actually quite productive. But I forgot to brush my teeth because I was dealing with my face issues after I got out of the shower but for once thank god for 6 feet apart and face masks.

But my doctor got back to me and he’s just like “try to hang on for 10 more days until you can start the lower dose.” So I don’t know. I guess my body just really needs to reset itself for the full 2 weeks and there’s not much I can do until then except take it easy.

Almost there! I'm glad you'll soon have a bit of a break, though. We all have to approach things one day at a time.

Hubby and I got the call that our car is ready and waiting for us with the insurance coverage and new license plates. It'll seem strange looking at our Subaru with European plates. We will be setting out by train to Prague early tomorrow morning to pick it up. We even recently received the new charging cables for Europe (it's a hybrid).

Today I was busy making and posting a new Czech Christmas cookie recipe. They were A LOT of work! Right now I have 12 Czech Christmas cookie recipes (with photos) on my blog, as well as Czech Christmas confections and sweet breads. A photo of the cookies I made and posted about is attached below. They are called "Stuffed Nut-Shaped Cookies" in English. They look like nuts and are made with a walnut-based dough with a walnut buttercream and rum filling. They're sandwich cookies. I dipped the ends of some of them in chocolate and then ground walnuts. The rest I dusted with confectioner's sugar.

@Soupe du Jour:

I ate a whole package of shortbread cookies yesterday and thought of you, they were so good. Just store-bought mass-production cookies, tho, surely not as good as your exquisite homemade delights, but i does what i can! What's that interesting tool in the background called? You take good photos too!

Soupe those cookies look too good to eat! Wow 🤩

Thanks, @whatever2013 and @Nammu! Whatever2013, I'm glad you enjoyed some nice cookies. The wooden tool in the background is an old-fashioned nutcracker. You just put the nut in the circular opening part and twist the screw down onto it until the nut cracks. It actually works pretty well.

I just cannot stand feeling like this anymore. My mom and my brother are going out of town for the day and are staying in a hotel tomorrow and I’m thinking of going with them because I feel like that will snap me out of whatever this thing is I’m feeling. Like maybe I just need a change in scenery and I need to force myself to get up and be active and do stuff. I don’t think being by myself will make me feel any better or will be very healthy for me physically or mentally.

Edit: So I’ve decided to go on the trip with my mom and my brother. I think it will be good for my mental health and it will be good to get away from the scale for a day since it’s been stressing me out lately. I picked up my room a bit. It wasn’t a huge mess. But it was nice to get things cleaned up. I took my normal Geodon and I’m just lying down. I’ve had a good amount of water this afternoon and I feel better. I’ve learned on a thread I started that I need to be drinking a lot of water with my topamax. I’ve cut out soda and most tea but I haven’t been replacing all that with much water. So I wonder if not drinking enough water is partially why I’m so tired all the time.

Been planning a shower since Sunday, finally did today. Don’t know why it’s so hard to do sometimes cause it nearly always feels great once I’m out. Forgot again to use my shower bombs. But still, it was great.

Saved $4.65 on gas with the pts from the grocery store. Nice 👍 that was my big outing today. Going to get gas. Mum asked for her English muffins so ran though the store for those. Didn’t get up early enough to shower before aqua fitness and I needed a shower first. So the store and gas run was my big thing today. Looked like more people were wearing masks at the grocery store but at the gas station I was the only one. my state was number 1 in covid new cases, not a thing to be proud of but still there’s people running about without masks! 😷

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Hubby and I got the call that our car is ready and waiting for us with the insurance coverage and new license plates. It'll seem strange looking at our Subaru with European plates. We will be setting out by train to Prague early tomorrow morning to pick it up. We even recently received the new charging cables for Europe (it's a hybrid). Today I was busy making and posting a new Czech Christmas cookie recipe. They were A LOT of work! Right now I have 12 Czech Christmas cookie recipes (with photos) on my blog, as well as Czech Christmas confections and sweet breads. A photo of the cookies I made and posted about is attached below. They are called "Stuffed Nut-Shaped Cookies" in English. They look like nuts and are made with a walnut-based dough with a walnut buttercream and rum filling. They're sandwich cookies. I dipped the ends of some of them in chocolate and then ground walnuts. The rest I dusted with confectioner's sugar.

Yay! I hope everything goes smoothly with picking up your car. The cookies look fab!

I have a migraine. Guess I shouldn't have had that beer at lunch.

This will be short as I can't stand to l can't stand the bright light of this screen.

After many years looking I finally found Mozart liqueur today! I searched online too and finally found it in a new liquor store near me!

Well that was an interesting night. My girlfriend told me to call the crisis line because I've been binging/purging all ****ing day so I did. I met up with a guy and brought my girlfriend with me. She was super helpful--explained the severity of my eating disorder and what she sees and the things I've told her. I told her earlier I kinda wanted to take all my lithium but she wouldn't let me keep that secret. I assured the guy evaluating me that I was safe and had no plans of acting on anything (although my girlfriend wants me IP). So I have to set up a physical with my PCP to make sure I'm not doing too much damage. I will get a call from the crisis people every day for the next week, and they're going to try to get me into see my NP sooner and set me up with a different therapist. They want to get me a case manager too but I thought that was only for people on Medicaid.
But it was nice to see my girlfriend. I hope we both stick around.
What is wrong with me I'm doing HIIT at freakin' midnight (after doing it for 30 minutes in the morning and going for a 30 minute run later on).

Yay! I bet you’re happy about the car. That’s great news!

Congratulations on your blog and all the delicious things you make. Truly professional level stuff. Mouth watering!

My brother made it through surgery and will be in the hospital for a few days and then rehab. The stress off me is enormous. As I said, I told my family the other day that I could not and would not care for him any longer. They are not quite believers as yet because good ole Jen will always step in but I’m not doing it. I’m done. He needs more care than I can provide. I need to get back to my life. My sister said there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I replied “No, I’m through the tunnel and moving on.”

My daughter is back home and all is well. I’ll see her Sunday when my sister, my niece, mom, daughter, aunts and I all get together to visit and share a meal. That will be nice. One of my aunts is battling aggressive cancer and we live 4 hours apart so we decided to meet half way (coincidentally where my daughter lives) so mom could see her sisters.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving. The weekend following Thanksgiving weekend I’m going to attend a women’s event where we make Christmas ornaments to take home and then I’ll attend a drum circle shortly after that. I have lots of Christmas concerts and events in December as well. My social life is picking up. Yay! Now, just to get back to aqua fitness.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Hubby and I are home with our car in one piece and no issues. We literally hadn't seen the car in nearly one full year. In addition to needing gas, it needed the tires inflated more. No problem. I confess we were paranoid that we'd have a fender bender, but luckily didn't. When we got home, Hubby was going to leave it in front of our driveway gate. We live on a dangerous curve. It's hard to back up into the driveway in the dark, but I pushed Hubby to do it, with me directing him. I'll be damned if I want to wake up in the morning to see our car crashed...or stolen. Not that the latter is common here. Anyway, it sure felt strange to be driving in Europe with American gages (mph, mpg, even temperature in Fahrenheit). The speedometer does have kilometer per hour, but as many know it's on the interior section of the gage, while mph is shown bigger. I'm not sure if any of this could eventually be changed by a Subaru dealership. We're afraid, in a way, that if they fiddle with the electronics it will cause problems, needlessly.

I think our 2020 Subaru Crosstrek hybrid is the only one in Czech Republic, other than maybe some that pass throughout from other countries in Europe. There is the Subaru Crosstrek here, but not yet the hybrid. Also, it's not called "Crosstrek", it's called something else Hubby told me, that I forget. So, I'm a foreigner, and so is my car. Even our Czech license plate looks different. Ours had to be created in square shape to fit the place where American license plates go. European "EU" plates (and the space for them on European cars) are a different shape. Hubby thinks that the technical staff here might have had to drive our car to another city in CZ, with our old New Jersey plates on it. Imagine what others here would have thought when seeing that?

@Jennifer 1967, it sounds like you'll have some nice things to do in the near future. And yes, you should stick to your guns about care for your brother. I think as time passes your family will just learn to accept that and find it reasonable. As for my blog, thanks for your kind words.

I had my eye appointment early this morning and now my eyes are back to normal. I have a cataract in one eye that’s causing the blurry vision but it’s not bad enough yet for insurance to cover the cost of surgery. They make you wait until it’s worse! I also need to use the eye drops 2-3 times a day! I’m so terrible about getting the drops in my eye! Got my new prescription and the doctor wrote extra numbers on the prescription that are needed for online orders. I already ordered 5 pairs of frames to try. They should be here Saturday. Then I send them back and wait. I hope it works out.

I slept great last night compared to other nights this month. But right now I’m pretty tired. I took my vistril and my topamax and my 20mil Geodon and I haven’t had much water. I really just want to chug a bottle of water because I also have a headache and a fast heart beat but I’m not at home and I always get concerned about the bathroom situation when I’m out in public. I haven’t had an issue before with using the mens bathroom but I think I’m in trump land right now so idk. I have a full beard and I’m dressed like a guy but since I have to use a stall people may get suspicious. I’m honestly ready to just throw in the towel and tell my doctors and my family “yeah I’m ready for complete bottom surgery” I’ve been thinking about it a ton recently. But right now I’m just headachy tired and I could use both a glass of water and a trip to the bathroom. But I probably have another couple hours before I can use the bathroom until we get to our hotel.

For Black Friday I’ll have to completely dehydrate myself for hours since I am not using the bathroom at all while shopping that day even though I’m familiar with the stores and their bathrooms. It will just be too crowded everywhere.

Edit: We just checked into the hotel early and I am here by myself while my mom and my brother are out. I drank some water and I used the bathroom. So I feel better in those areas and my head doesn’t hurt anymore but I still am pretty tired. I’m glad I didn’t have to do all that stuff with them though and I can just relax now by myself. My face is super red because I had inflamed blistering acne for a few days in a row so I tried all this soap and acne cream and face wash and then last night and this morning I put on noxcema but now my entire face looks like a tomato. So Idk what’s going on with that. Just more transition stuff I assume.

Last night I had a headache that turned into a migraine. All the pain was in my face and the front part of my skull- nothing in the back. But it was annoying enough that I couldn't sleep. I was a little bit queasy and knew that if I threw up I'd feel better. I eventually did throw up- twice- and felt better and definitely when I woke up the headache was gone. I'm guessing the migraine was from having a beer.