[Victoria'smom]

How does one accept this isn't a willpower thing? Or some unknown behavior trick that everyone else learned while growing up? Or that therapy alone unmedicated would help?

[Bugtussel]

I don't post often on the board, but this is exactly what I am struggling with now. My T just provides more "tool" suggestions (like phone alarms, pill packaging, etc) He's not really helping me address the problem of my not wanting to be on meds for many reasons - the most important of which is that I don't like my dumbed down personality on meds. My Pdoc just reiterates endlessly the importance of the meds. Her favorite line is I risk death by not staying on my meds. I would like to believe its a willpower thing or a trick learned in childhood too.

[Victoria'smom]

Thank you!

[MuddyBoots]

I think I've just come to the conclusion recently that I need meds. I may change my mind again as everything with this illness waxes and wanes. But I know with the right ones is better than with out them and that's after trying every second gen antipsychotic except 2 and a few first gens and all the "mood stabilizers" including some crazy ones like zonegran. Only a few work for me and I'm still struggling a lot.

It's like any other illness, the catch being that this illness isn't seen physically so of course patients are going to question the validity.

[Victoria'smom]

I can't even find a T willing to work with me unmedicated. So to continue therapy I have to take meds. I continue therapy because I want an advocate if I'm ever to be hospitalized because my husband gets nervous about me. So I'm kinda stuck. I don't want them they kill my personality. I'm muted, tired and don't have the will to fight for things I believe in on meds. My husband got offended when I said I wish they could do a fmri or something concrete. He said the meds would be the same because they work for me. He doesn't seem to understand.

[*Beth*]

Mental illness cannot be willed away, as much as we wish it could. I do believe that good therapy can (maybe) lessen our need for meds, in the sense that we can lower doses and maybe drop a medication. Maybe.

Do you have family members that have MI (whether diagnosed or not)?

[Victoria'smom]

I have 3 siblings and 3 kids that have been diagnosed with a slew of things. I think we all have SzA but I'm the only one of my siblings that is honest with my providers. We where taught not to trust providers and set up a fear if we were honest with them we'd be taken away forever. Those are the ones that have had help forced on them. I'm pretty sure my parents have something.

I'm the only one on medication. My parents did their best but their hands were full. I implode, my every one else explodes. So I appear fine. My younger sister is the only one in my family that supports me on medication because she's convinced I won't make it through one of my dark spells. H thinks I won't make it through one of my delusions because they're usually complicated things that boil down to causing me harm.

[~Christina]

You say no T will work with you med free? What do you get out of Therapy? Does it help you cope with the shifts in mood ? Are you learning coping skills and how to actually use them when you need them the most?

What self care skills are you using on a daily basis ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Victoria'smom]

You say no T will work with you med free? I haven't found one that will.

What do you get out of Therapy? An external person that I usually believe is on my side to help me navigate what's me and what's the world's just ****en crazy. Couple of weeks ago I had to explain that my husband wasn't gaslighting me. It's just how I think.

Does it help you cope with the shifts in mood? Mostly they throw meds at my mood shifts. She's trying to teach me skills but I'm thick headed. So it's a slow process.

Are you learning coping skills and how to actually use them when you need them the most? She tried to help me ground myself last time and as long as I concisely think about it I can stop shaking. She's still getting to know me.

What self care skills are you using on a daily basis ? I'm using my headphones all day, I'm trying to partake in hobbies at least 30 min a day but I'm getting to frustrated with it. I'm at the point that I'm going to have to cut my hair, wash cloths to have something to wear, and shower at some point and clean the house before the 21st. But my tongue is sharp right now.

[Victoria'smom]

Welp, I broke my relationship with my husband. Now what? He's frustrated and hurt by the tings I said. He doesn't want to be a villain just wants me to be a happy, healthy adult but won't stand in my way. He's done fighting with me.

[Victoria'smom]

I see my therapist next Thursday. We have hud coming the 21st. We're going to keep those appointments. I'm going to specifically ask her if she'll work with me unmedicated. She'll probably say yes at first until the long term injection wears out. she'll want me to keep my appointment with pdoc so I may keep that. I really don't want to talk to him about this. She wanted to move up my appointment with pdoc maybe I'll say okay. I'm getting ready for a hell of a withdraw as I'm on 4 meds. I may ask to be put on the 6 month injection vs. the one month. But I've never been on invega. So it would take a while to get on if my insurance will even pay for it. It seems to cost as much as 6 months of the 1 injection. I'm trying. If I can sleep on it and it gets rid of impulsiveness then I won't need the Thorazine. Which makes me tired and muted. I don't want my AD/AP/or Anti anxiety pills. I think if I can get it down to one injection every couple of months even every month. Even if it's not 100% is a good compromise.

[MuddyBoots]

One more thought: How about instead of accepting meds for life, just accepting them for now?

[Victoria'smom]

just accepting them for now? That's my problem I feel they steal my personality away, mutes me. I don't want to be muted for others happiness anymore. Yes I'm less impulsive on my med cocktail, less argumentative, and eat more. Maybe I'm manic or paranoid or both. I'm definatly agitated, argumentative, not sleeping (because I'm not taking the Thorazine) and spent money we don't have but these are my real feelings. So how do I know what's BP/Sza and what's a real concern?

[MuddyBoots]

You've just listed a bunch of sza/bp symptoms. I think it's safe to say that this is your disorder that you have rather than you (and it is a real concern!)

[Random 503]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Welp, I broke my relationship with my husband. Now what? He's frustrated and hurt by the tings I said. He doesn't want to be a villain just wants me to be a happy, healthy adult but won't stand in my way. He's done fighting with me.

Don’t do this! You will regret it later. Please. Every time I’m in an episode this is exactly where I go. Get rid of everyone. If he loves you he will understand it was the disease talking and work with you. We are a complicated and intense lot. Don’t let it ruin anything good you may have. I should be divorced three times over but am not because the person in my life refuses to let my insanity rule us.

[Victoria'smom]

Originally Posted by Random 503

Don’t do this! You will regret it later. Please. Every time I’m in an episode this is exactly where I go. Get rid of everyone. If he loves you he will understand it was the disease talking and work with you. We are a complicated and intense lot. Don’t let it ruin anything good you may have. I should be divorced three times over but am not because the person in my life refuses to let my insanity rule us.

At this point there's not much I can do. He's done and I understand. He's dealt with me for 21 years. Even if I apologize and I have it doesn't take away what I said. He has essentially been my care taker the whole time. I understand being done. We can't argue for life about whether I've taken my meds and eat. He no longer wants to be the villain or controlling. He's going to stay for awhile while we sort everything out but I don't see coming back from this. I said things that really really hurt him. I went for his insecurities. So he's done.

[Victoria'smom]

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

You've just listed a bunch of sza/bp symptoms. I think it's safe to say that this is your disorder that you have rather than you (and it is a real concern!)

So what do I do about it? I don't want the meds to mute my personality. I see pdoc in three weeks, T next Thursday.

[Random 503]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

At this point there's not much I can do. He's done and I understand. He's dealt with me for 21 years. Even if I apologize and I have it doesn't take away what I said. He has essentially been my care taker the whole time. I understand being done. We can't argue for life about whether I've taken my meds and eat. He no longer wants to be the villain or controlling. He's going to stay for awhile while we sort everything out but I don't see coming back from this. I said things that really really hurt him. I went for his insecurities. So he's done.

I’m so sorry. If he’s invested this much time it isn’t so easily tossed aside. There’s something there and only requires you to say you need him. You do, right? We say horrible things to the ones we love to spare them the worst of us, or so we think. 21 years, he isn’t going to give up on you unless you make him or let him. Through all your faults and his as long as the relationship isn’t abusive it helps you in The long run. As much as we like to think we can be islands that outcome is isn’t good.

[Aurelius710]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I see my therapist next Thursday. We have hud coming the 21st. We're going to keep those appointments. I'm going to specifically ask her if she'll work with me unmedicated. She'll probably say yes at first until the long term injection wears out. she'll want me to keep my appointment with pdoc so I may keep that. I really don't want to talk to him about this. She wanted to move up my appointment with pdoc maybe I'll say okay. I'm getting ready for a hell of a withdraw as I'm on 4 meds. I may ask to be put on the 6 month injection vs. the one month. But I've never been on invega. So it would take a while to get on if my insurance will even pay for it. It seems to cost as much as 6 months of the 1 injection. I'm trying. If I can sleep on it and it gets rid of impulsiveness then I won't need the Thorazine. Which makes me tired and muted. I don't want my AD/AP/or Anti anxiety pills. I think if I can get it down to one injection every couple of months even every month. Even if it's not 100% is a good compromise.

Consolidating your meds is not a bad long term goal. I was once on 5 meds and managed to get them down to two. Two meds that work really well. In the short term, do you really want to add four med withdrawals to an already messed up situation? Seems needless.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

just accepting them for now? That's my problem I feel they steal my personality away, mutes me. I don't want to be muted for others happiness anymore. Yes I'm less impulsive on my med cocktail, less argumentative, and eat more. Maybe I'm manic or paranoid or both. I'm definatly agitated, argumentative, not sleeping (because I'm not taking the Thorazine) and spent money we don't have but these are my real feelings. So how do I know what's BP/Sza and what's a real concern?

You've used that term, muted, several times. What does it mean? I know what it means in general, but I'm curious what it means for you specifically? You don't want to be changed to make other people happy? What does happiness look to you? Surely, it's not this?

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

At this point there's not much I can do. He's done and I understand. He's dealt with me for 21 years. Even if I apologize and I have it doesn't take away what I said. He has essentially been my care taker the whole time. I understand being done. We can't argue for life about whether I've taken my meds and eat. He no longer wants to be the villain or controlling. He's going to stay for awhile while we sort everything out but I don't see coming back from this. I said things that really really hurt him. I went for his insecurities. So he's done.

Sounds like he's been a major part of your life for a long time. So, what's your plan?

[Victoria'smom]

Originally Posted by Random 503

I’m so sorry. If he’s invested this much time it isn’t so easily tossed aside. There’s something there and only requires you to say you need him. You do, right? We say horrible things to the ones we love to spare them the worst of us, or so we think. 21 years, he isn’t going to give up on you unless you make him or let him. Through all your faults and his as long as the relationship isn’t abusive it helps you in The long run. As much as we like to think we can be islands that outcome is isn’t good.

I'm going to tell him I need him. As of right now we're sleeping separately but he took the couch so he does still care. We're not telling anyone that we've ended as of yet. We're both adults so hopefully we can come to a solution. I have hope because he hasn't left right away. Our guests know something is up but everything was through messaging. So there was no verbal fight.

[Victoria'smom]

Originally Posted by Aurelius710

Consolidating your meds is not a bad long term goal. I was once on 5 meds and managed to get them down to two. Two meds that work really well. In the short term, do you really want to add four med withdrawals to an already messed up situation? Seems needless.
I'll take my thorazine as a prn until next week so I'm not withdraw from everything. I'm going to take it every 3rd day unless I get a full night rest. The Ad makes me more impulsive without the thorazine so that goes. My anti anxiety meds go because I don't even take them now. My other AP is injected so that will be in my system slowly. I can always keep that until I talk to the Dr. But I don't feel it works after week 3.

You've used that term, muted, several times. What does it mean? I know what it means in general, but I'm curious what it means for you specifically? You don't want to be changed to make other people happy? What does happiness look to you? Surely, it's not this?
it means I'm quite, to much so. I use to be an extrovert. I'm to willing to give up my position to preserve relationships. I hardly talk. Most I talk is in therapy.

No this isn't happy it's frantic, uncomfortable, loud, confusing but more like me not quiet and docile.

Skinny, just injected meds, ability to go outside in public and not be afraid, or stay home alone and not be afraid. Not having my only grounding technique to be sh.

Sounds like he's been a major part of your life for a long time. So, what's your plan?
I don't know. Make it through the week to talk to t about it. I didn't really have a plan. My plan was to make the house presentable for inspection. And bite my tongue. Just taking it minute by minute right now. Things are changing rapidly.

I slept 3 hours.

[Random 503]

How are you MM?

[Victoria'smom]

He came back to bed that's a good start. I don't know how I am. Definitely angry, like electric running through my body. I feel trapped to always be poor. I want to apply for the ticket to work program but I won't just in case I am manic.

[Random 503]

I’m glad he came back. I see your signature where you’re SzA and he’s BP1, that has to be hard, I’m sorry. I’ve only knowingly met one other BP person and we were…..interesting. All the **** you and he have been through cannot be discounted.

[Victoria'smom]

We have been through a lot. Hopefully this is just a hiccup but I was really mean. I've never been that mean to him. I don't think he slept well because he keeps falling asleep.