Bipolar check-in #67

Nammu · Jul 15, 2022, 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband and I finally got home from our three-day house hunting excursion. It was a learning experience, and quite tiring with some stress, especially as Hubby has been unwell through it all. At this moment he is snoring and it's only 7:35 pm. I'm feeling a bit shaky. Probably from the stress, my poor sleep recently, and because I forgot my morning medications. I think it's way too late to take them at this juncture. I did just take my evening medications. I've supposed to have been taking all my evening meds at around 6 pm/7 pm except the extra 200 mg quetiapine IR which the pdoc added to take at 9 pm. During the whole trip and tonight I've taken all of it simultaneously. Too much to remember a third dosing during such chaos! Plus, maybe I need to take it all earlier, as some nights I can't fall asleep at a reasonable time. And then I still wake up again and again or too early. Last time I saw my pdoc he AGAIN repeated that "If I were to change your meds I would have prescribed Lithium and/or Abilify. In response, I again told him that Lithium (on two different occasions) did little, gave me up to 10 side effects, and eventually gave me kidney damage. He AGAIN said "Yes, it is countraindicated with kidney damage." [Sending a middle finger in his general direction.]

Earlier today, while still away, Hubby received an email from our landlady stating that the house is sold, and the buyers want us out by the end of September. Talk about pressure! With that in mind, we've decided to put on hold house hunting and rather start looking for a storage facility for our stuff, a moving company (to take it to storage), and a cheaper rental so we can buy some time looking for a house. I do NOT want to rush buying a place that we're not 100% sure about, but want out of the current place asap. The landlady said the new buyers want to start working on the property outside WHILE we're still living here. I find that extremely invasive. Plus, why should we be paying full rent when another person is already taking up a type of residence here, of sorts. The landlady is not acting in a reasonable way. She is also trying to push us to rent one of her other properties that we've refused twice already. The place is a hell hole ("depression-inducing" as Hubby put it) and she wanted to charge the same price as our current rent. She acts like the offer is a favor, but I think it's purely her hopes to get us out quick and put the screws to us with a junkier place and help keep lining her pockets. If she brings it up again in front of me, I'm going to get extremely assertive about the refusal.

I took an at-home covid test and it was negative. That matters little, if Hubby's PCR test comes back positive on Monday. I have an extremely mild tickle in my chest, but it could be in my head. My main discomfort has been the stress, and my sleep issues' effect on it. The irrational desire to "run away" has been coming and going for quite some time. I think since early June.

Oh Soupe!

What a mess. Yes do take your time purchasing a house.

Nammu · Jul 15, 2022, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Still terrified. Asked the group facilitator to please not sit in the chair next to me and she obliged but she has the tendency to walk around the room and I was freaked tf out. Everyone is a ****ing suspect. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through my shift tomorrow.

I lied to the clinician and said I was med compliant but I left out all the extra seroquel. I think I took 75 more at bedtime but it might have been 100 and I definitely did take Xanax. And propranolol. I don’t want to die I’m just so ****ing uncomfortable. I’m sick to my stomach and my head is killing me. I just. Want. Some. Haldol. And I don’t want to go IP to get it bc who knows how long I’ll be trapped. You can’t trust it there anyway.

I want to call the clinician back and ask to be put on the dr’s schedule on Monday. But I’m too scared. I’m afraid she’ll call the cops, they

Possible trigger:

shoot

people like me. She wanted me to check in but I ran tf out of there before she could find me so she couldn’t keep me.

RS is scared that’s where I’m going, I cannot go, I will not go.

I’m trying to use my skills but I haven’t found one that has worked yet. I have a whole bunch written in my little notebook but they are not working because this is NOT PLAIN ANXIETY. This is ****ing terror.

My head hurts so bad.

The illness is lying to you.

wildflowerchild25 · Jul 15, 2022, 02:24 PM

Dr told me to take 200mg seroquel and sleep all weekend. Apparently having work and a child doesn’t really matter. But what else can I do at this point.

Thank you for your support everyone I really appreciate it.

Soupe du jour · 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Dr told me to take 200mg seroquel and sleep all weekend. Apparently having work and a child doesn’t really matter. But what else can I do at this point.

Thank you for your support everyone I really appreciate it.

You may eventually become used to the higher dose of Seroquel (develop tolerance) and it won't make you as tired during the daytime anymore. The higher doses are like that for many. They are for me. I know that the patience for a wait and see is tough, though. Of course if you have a strict schedule with mandatory responsibilities. Good luck with it!

*Beth* · Jul 15, 2022, 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

.....

(((((BIG hug)))))

*Beth* · Jul 15, 2022, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Still terrified. Asked the group facilitator to please not sit in the chair next to me and she obliged but she has the tendency to walk around the room and I was freaked tf out. Everyone is a ****ing suspect. I have no idea how I’m going to make it through my shift tomorrow.

I lied to the clinician and said I was med compliant but I left out all the extra seroquel. I think I took 75 more at bedtime but it might have been 100 and I definitely did take Xanax. And propranolol. I don’t want to die I’m just so ****ing uncomfortable. I’m sick to my stomach and my head is killing me. I just. Want. Some. Haldol. And I don’t want to go IP to get it bc who knows how long I’ll be trapped. You can’t trust it there anyway.

I want to call the clinician back and ask to be put on the dr’s schedule on Monday. But I’m too scared. I’m afraid she’ll call the cops, they

Possible trigger:

shoot

people like me. She wanted me to check in but I ran tf out of there before she could find me so she couldn’t keep me.

RS is scared that’s where I’m going, I cannot go, I will not go.

I’m trying to use my skills but I haven’t found one that has worked yet. I have a whole bunch written in my little notebook but they are not working because this is NOT PLAIN ANXIETY. This is ****ing terror.

My head hurts so bad.

I'm PM'ing you in a few minutes

Jul 15, 2022, 03:50 PM

I am still tired, but have at least come further with the cleaning!

May you all be well!

Mountaindewed · Jul 15, 2022, 03:56 PM

I have learned to go into a session with a new therapist cold stone. But this one sounds quite promsing. Shes about 15 years older then me. A good age. She is very very open but proffesional. She was nice and understanding. She didn't show any judgement towards me. She had a few choice words for what my therapist did to me though. She seemed very eager to work with me. She didn't push any questions out of me. She let me say what I wanted to say. She does emails. Although I did learn my lesson from my transference T. I didn't get any bad vibes from her. I also didn't get a feeling of attraction from her. My sex drive died anyways after my last surgery. I do not feel good physically today so I'm trying to seperate my feelings and do a bit of fact checking. I need to eat something to be honest but I'm not hungry. I need that blood work for sure. I did agree to work with her. But I'm still a bit hesitant just because I've been let down so many times before.

Fuzzybear · 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Dr told me to take 200mg seroquel and sleep all weekend. Apparently having work and a child doesn’t really matter. But what else can I do at this point.

Thank you for your support everyone I really appreciate it.

Hey wildflowerchild,
I also think you may eventually become used to the higher dose of seroquel, and it won't make you as tired during the day time.

I was prescribed 50 mg a night for a week or possibly a couple of weeks, then up to 100 mg, then 150 mg, then the doctor wanted me to take 200 mg, in one tablet. She did check on me, phone calls. I was very sleepy. I don't recall the exact time schedule. The sleepiness did become less but it would have been very hard if my schedule had been extremely busy.
(she left the area and I also became allergic to the seroquel at 150 mg. So I had to stop taking it)

Occasionally I take one 50 mg pill and it hardly does a thing for me (except for giving me a rash on my face). (she was generous with the amount she prescribed.. it has gone out of date but I think Christina wrote once to someone else that it would still be ''safe'' to take it. I still have plenty in a drawer/closet in the bedroom. I take it very rarely due to the allergic rash, and only if I've run out benzos)

All this is to say I hope that your body becomes used to the seroquel and it makes you less tired asap (I've heard too that the higher doses are less sedating but better for other symptoms, severe anxiety, paranoia and other symptoms)

wildflowerchild25 · 08:44 PM

Thanks everyone for the encouragement that seroquel might become less sedating at a higher dose. I took it at 4pm and fell into this weird twilight type sleep around 5:30. like I was definitely asleep but I was aware I was asleep? I was too heavy to move and I was so unsteady it was very difficult to make it to the bathroom. I felt like my knees would buckle underneath me.

Then my heart started pounding…I mean I’ve had a high heart rate for a couple of days now but this was so fast and hard I could feel it in my chest and ears. Again, correlation does not equal causation in regards to the heart fluctuation but it really turns me off of taking it tomorrow when I get home from work.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to do now, am I supposed to take more now that I’ve awoken so I can go back to sleep for the night? The dr didn’t say. I guess I’ll take my normal small dose with the rest of my night meds.

I don’t feel comfortable with RS laying next to me, I’m not sure if he’s an imposter. I thought he was and I wanted to hide but I’m 50/50 now. So that’s an improvement. He looks at me in a special way so I’m focusing on looking in his eyes because I would expect an imposter’s eyes to be vacant.

I am really trying to keep at least a toe in this dimension.

Each day I hold on to the hope that the next day will be better. It very well could be.

HALLIEBETH87 · Jul 15, 2022, 10:33 PM

I’m a big baby. I have an abscess on my back and it simply hurts and makes me scared 😟

*Beth* · Jul 15, 2022, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I have learned to go into a session with a new therapist cold stone. But this one sounds quite promsing. Shes about 15 years older then me. A good age. She is very very open but proffesional. She was nice and understanding. She didn't show any judgement towards me. She had a few choice words for what my therapist did to me though. She seemed very eager to work with me. She didn't push any questions out of me. She let me say what I wanted to say. She does emails. Although I did learn my lesson from my transference T. I didn't get any bad vibes from her. I also didn't get a feeling of attraction from her. My sex drive died anyways after my last surgery. I do not feel good physically today so I'm trying to seperate my feelings and do a bit of fact checking. I need to eat something to be honest but I'm not hungry. I need that blood work for sure. I did agree to work with her. But I'm still a bit hesitant just because I've been let down so many times before.

Excellent, Md! I hope this one is a keeper

*Beth* · Jul 15, 2022, 11:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Thanks everyone for the encouragement that seroquel might become less sedating at a higher dose. I took it at 4pm and fell into this weird twilight type sleep around 5:30. like I was definitely asleep but I was aware I was asleep? I was too heavy to move and I was so unsteady it was very difficult to make it to the bathroom. I felt like my knees would buckle underneath me.

Then my heart started pounding…I mean I’ve had a high heart rate for a couple of days now but this was so fast and hard I could feel it in my chest and ears. Again, correlation does not equal causation in regards to the heart fluctuation but it really turns me off of taking it tomorrow when I get home from work.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to do now, am I supposed to take more now that I’ve awoken so I can go back to sleep for the night? The dr didn’t say. I guess I’ll take my normal small dose with the rest of my night meds.

I don’t feel comfortable with RS laying next to me, I’m not sure if he’s an imposter. I thought he was and I wanted to hide but I’m 50/50 now. So that’s an improvement. He looks at me in a special way so I’m focusing on looking in his eyes because I would expect an imposter’s eyes to be vacant.

I am really trying to keep at least a toe in this dimension.

Each day I hold on to the hope that the next day will be better. It very well could be.

Ugh, that "twilight sleep" is what I call "hovering."

When I was first on a high dose of Seroquel I had the same reaction - the heavy feeling, the unsteadiness, the pounding heart. I remember sliding my hands along the wall to get to the bathroom without falling down. That intensity did go away pretty quickly (in a few days).

YES, the next day truly can be better.

*Beth* · Jul 15, 2022, 11:53 PM

I laid down at 2 p.m. and awoke at 6 with a start because it was time to test Sidney's glucose. Those were 4 hours of good, solid, so much needed sleep. My plan is to be back in bed in an hour. I so need sleep.

Does anyone know what that little icon up ^ and to the right, next to the red trigger icon? It looks like a blue speaker and says "Wrap [MENTION] tags around selected text."

I wonder if it's a "tagging" thing? I hope so! Let's see, for example....
@Nammu

*Beth* · Jul 15, 2022, 11:55 PM

***IT IS!!!*** Finally!

Mountaindewed · Jul 16, 2022, 12:16 AM

I don't feel very good. I fell asleep at 4 and I almost had a panic attack. I havent been able to eat much in a couple days. I woke up a few minutes ago with a sore throat a dry cough muscle aches chills and congestion.. I had emailed my doctor asking if I could do my bloodwork early thinking something was wrong there and he said yeah go ahead. So I have to find an open office. But I don't know if I have covid or what. I get covid symptoms often but not all at one time like this and I have been super relaxed and not wearing my mask and eating out and stuff. I have some at home tests I'll see how I feel in the morning if I need to take one or can just go ahead with the blood work.

Nammu · Jul 16, 2022, 06:45 AM

@Beth oh so cool I think even I can do this now. Thanks for mentioning this.

wildflowerchild25 · Jul 16, 2022, 07:53 AM

So I wasn’t asleep by midnight and I was too afraid to sleep near RS. As determined as I am to follow my dr’s instructions, if only to prove it does not work (and maybe it will, I’m not opposed to the possibility), I got up and took a few different meds. Gabapentin, prazosin, and maybe propranolol, don’t remember. I at least fell asleep soon after. I was going to sleep on the couch but it was too uncomfortable. So I chanced it and well, he didn’t kill me in my sleep obviously.

RS is at his side job so he’s not here. I’m still not sure about him. I honestly don’t want him to come home. It may not be him.

This is ridiculous. I Know it’s ridiculous. I’m really trying to recognize the lie. It could be real though.

I’m going to work today at 1:30. That should be…interesting. I’m not sure, it’s a store full of strangers, I want to think that no one would try to hurt me in a public place but it might be a scam to lure me there so that they can all get me at once. But that can’t be right. That’s a huge plan.

I want to self harm so bad but I promised the real RS I wouldn’t. If he shows up I’ll be in trouble and he’ll be hurt.

I’ll take 100mg seroquel after work and the other 100mg at bedtime.

Soupe du jour · Jul 16, 2022, 08:17 AM

This afternoon, my husband received a positive result to a PCR covid-19 test he was administered yesterday. It's very possible that I have covid-19, too. If so, Hubby has had a far worse case of it than I do, if I have it. Even so, Hubby seems generally safe, but miserable enough to be staying in bed most of the day...coughing. As for me, I have felt a funny feeling in my chest for a couple days, but it's basically nothing in terms of physical discomfort. I've been sneezing a lot, but have written that off as allergy stuff. My mood has been a bit low and sleep disturbed, but I wrote that off as stress (which is understandable to our situation) and maybe the increased Seroquel dose. The latter would normally be expected to increase my sleep, but with the exception of maybe three days, my sleep has been lesser. Covid-related, stress-related, or Seroquel-related? Who knows! I took an at-home covid test yesterday and it was negative, but it seems that these at-home tests are not always reliable. I may probably need to go for a PCR test on Monday. Or, maybe the doctor will just advise I stay home for 7 days, like Hubby.

The above is extremely worrisome as we've come in contact with several people over the last week. Plus, my husband had spent a bit of time with his friend from the US. Also, to make this sadder, two other female friends from the US have arrived in Europe to visit us. They (and the male friend) are currently in Budapest, but are set to arrive in our city (to visit us) on Monday. There may need to be changes to all of this, or a good deal of social distancing. Hubby planned to drive them to a number of cities in the four days they're here, but that's obviously not happening. We had ordered a whole bunch of special fancy open-faced sandwiches for Monday. I think that order is not easy to cancel. Kind of a pickle of a situation.

Hubby is currently on the phone with his eldest sister in Germany, as she's a retired GP physician.

Nammu · Jul 16, 2022, 08:26 AM

Oh @soupe; how inconvenient. I’ve read about some people not catching covid despite everyone else in their house having it. But still your husband won’t be able to drive anyone. Hope you’re able to cancel the sandwiches.

Soupe du jour · Jul 16, 2022, 08:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Oh @soupe; how inconvenient. I’ve read about some people not catching covid despite everyone else in their house having it. But still your husband won’t be able to drive anyone. Hope you’re able to cancel the sandwiches.

Thanks, Nammu. If we can't cancel them, we'll ask if they can be delivered (no-contact delivery). They're already paid for. Or just ask our friend to pick them up and enjoy them with our lady friends. Hubby's sister said if they are willing that we could see them outside, well-distanced. I'm not sure what the ladies will be comfortable with. I remember at the very beginning of covid the one friend left something at our door, even though none of us had covid. I think all of us have had the full vaccination course. Hubby and I also had a booster. Seems people are getting covid despite, but far milder cases.

Sunflower123 · Jul 16, 2022, 09:38 AM

I’m having a problem with serious anxiety today. There’s a lot to do with the house, brother’s estate and getting mom’s estate in order. I spent 2 hours in the bank Thursday hashing things out. I have little to no motivation some days and I get anxious about getting things done. I’ll give myself credit for what I am doing and show myself some grace and compassion for the days I don’t get things done.

I still can’t seem to get it together with my daughter. We haven’t talked yet. She wants to have a one sided conversation where she tells me everything I’m doing wrong and I’m not up for that right now. I’m up for a two sided conversation where we address our differences with respect. I don’t know what the answer is. It bothers me more than a little.

This Zoloft is causing me to gain weight so I have a decision to make. It’s working wonders but I don’t need the weight gain.

I woke at 1 last night and went back to bed at 6 then slept until right before 10. It’s a beautiful day but I don’t believe I’ll float this late. Saturdays get crowded early. I stay away from crowds especially with a high COVID rate of infection in my county.

Hugs to all.

Fuzzybear · Jul 16, 2022, 10:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

It was a lovely summer day today and now we have a breeze that comes from the ocean. The feeling is so nice. Full moon in Capricorn...teaching, lessons, learning, discipline, responsibility. An intense configuration.

I had a wonderful skating session this afternoon! I'm realizing that I'm going to need to invest in more "serious" skates, higher quality, etc. so I can properly adjust the trucks and maneuver more easily and safely. The thing is to come up with the money. And my high school reunion is coming up in September, which is $50 per person - plus the gas to drive there. And the clothes. Still don't know if I'll make that.

So. Mary is back at work and my appointment with her is at 2 p.m. tomorrow. She's been out for 4 months. And there's a mega-ton of major stuff to go over. I wrote in more detail in my psychotherapy board thread, so I won't get into the specifics here, too.

I will say that I'm very anxious about the upcoming session and the anxiety has triggered off a degree of paranoia. It started with casting spells, witchery, who has power and who doesn't, then I noticed the little demons hanging around. And of course, the paranoia extends out to the world, in general. Neighbors. Silly stuff that, of course, feels very real.

I am going to take one of my beautiful little voodoo dolls with me to the session tomorrow. He has black yarn hair, longer on one side, wears a white dress with tiny exquisite detail, and has a red felt heart on a pin stuck into his heart place. He gives me a sense of safety and protection.

I'm also considering taking an extra Klonopin - or 2. I would end up short, but if I do I will tell my med dude that I accidentally threw the bottle away. It's actually been many years since I've done such a thing, but once in a great while I find it necessary. I do not want to be sleepy, but feeling calmer and a tiny bit buzzed could be to my advantage - unless I'm feeling strong and confident. I'll have to see how it's going tomorrow; I won't decide now.

Great bouquets of gorgeously scented flowers and a cupcake, your choice of flavor, for you

Hey Beth
I'm so sorry about the late reply to this. As you probably know I'm not always here and if I am, I don't always read all the posts (but I try to read yours and some others)

I gratefully accept the lovely bouquets of gorgeously scented flowers and a chocolate cupcake

As I posted elsewhere (and maybe here, not sure) I'm so glad the session went well and I completely understand your anxiety (well as much as I can being me and not you)

I have never had a voodoo doll. I might consider that. I love trying new things, it's one of the things that I think makes life worthwhile

I used to roller skate when I was very young, I didn't find it easy, I was quite a chubby and tall kid for my age which may not have helped. I loved bike riding though! (papa bear, my husband, would probably have found roller skating harder than I did, he finds playing the piano very hard - I play a little (self taught) and he finds things like table tennis hard (I'm quite good at that)

Wishing love, safety, protection and joy

*Beth* · Jul 16, 2022, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

@Beth oh so cool I think even I can do this now. Thanks for mentioning this.

I noticed the little icon days ago, forgot about it, then began to wonder. Isn't it terrific?! SO much more convenient.

*Beth* · Jul 16, 2022, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

......

Formatting is being weird.

I am thinking of you and pulling so hard for you to get through this rough place. Remember that at the foundation of paranoia is plain old rotten anxiety. Just anxiety, telling it's stupid lies.

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Bipolar check-in #67

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