Bipolar check in #73

It's windy, alright, but a warm wind. So I have the windows open and the ledges have cats on them. There's that bustle-bustle chatter then sudden strange quiet that happens every single year on Super Bowl Sunday. I'm not a football fan at all but I love baseball, and pitchers and catchers are reporting on Tuesday!

My laundry is done, now I am going to do some good stretches, then take a shower.

I'm so glad you slept well, @Nammu. How are you feeling today?

@wildflowerchild25, I hope you'll pop in. You're on my mind. @BeyondtheRainbow, so are you.

@MuddyBoots...are you okay?

Uuuuugh. I can’t get this weight off my chest. I’m calmer today but just so, so depressed. I managed to get the dishes and some of my laundry done. There’s a mixture of SH and SI today. A lot more SI than there has been. I suppose it’s just because it’s dragging on. I have no sense of time so I don’t know when I started the Wellbutrin. I think it’s only been two weeks. Which means I’ve been desperately depressed for about a month. It feels like way longer than that.

I don’t know if work will be good or bad for me tomorrow. Sometimes it’s better to be out of the house rather than laying in bed but at the same time work is so hard when I’m like this. It’s like which is the lesser of two evils. I suppose work is because at least there’a less things to hurt myself with. Not that I’m above self harming at work, I’ve done it plenty of times in past jobs.

RS said (obviously) that he’ll support anything I want to do to help this (we were talking about ECT) except self harm of course. But he said “I don’t think you want to do that anymore anyway, you’re just having thoughts”. Boy is he wrong. I DO want to. It’s not a form of self-punishment for me like it is for some. He thinks it is, I think. But I just stayed silent. Why start a whole big thing.

I feel I'm just…I don't know. Ready to give up. I feel like I already have given up. It’s not long now before something happens. Because I’m at about 75% don’t care.

Please forgive me if this is the dumbest idea in the world @wildflowerchild25. I guess I'd better put it in a trigger warning.

Possible trigger:

I don't know what therapists (in general) tell us to do with regard to self harm. But I knew a woman at one time who battled with self harm. She had scars on her arms, deep scars, where she had cut herself in the past and she was working hard not to continue cutting. So what she did, instead of cutting, was to take a red marker and draw lines in the places where she would have liked to cut. She found doing that would offer relief.

I have not SH, but I have certainly had the urge. I did not feel like it was punishment, I felt it was a twisted kind of validation of how I was feeling about something.

Also, it doesn't seem to me that the Welbutrin is doing the job. Have you discussed ECT with your pdoc, just as a possibility?

Could you try Emsam again? DIdn't it work well for you (forgive me if I am remembering wrong)?

I’m feeling quite mellow. It still hasn’t hit because mum was in the nursing home and hospital so it still feels like she will come home. I think the funeral will make it more real. Tomorrow we will be meeting at the funeral home and picking out a casket. That will be hard.

When I lived in the cities I had a best friend that loved baseball. I’ve gotten out of the habit of watching though, I really only liked it live. I’m glad you have that. My sister has racing. Apparently next Sunday is a big racing thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed All these spy balloons. Reminds me of the movie Signs. Its like the part where the kid says "they say there will be 200 by tonight." Not that I really am worried. What happens happens. If I die I die. My mom is a bit unerved though and has had CNN on all day. She thinks there might be another 9/11. I have a feeling this might become something big too. My cold/bug is finally gone. What a hell of a 10 days though. I finally feel normal now. I often text my mom at 7:30AM and ask if she'll give me my shot. I just got it now. My anxiety has been fine all day. I don't feel nauseated or too tired like the last 2 times I got it. Does anyone think that commercial is creepy where the couple wakes up and Kelly Clarkson is just lying in the middle of their bed and the lady says "You're Kelly Clarkson! And you're in our bed!." Now I'm nauseated enough that I have a bucket in bed with me in case I puke. My doctor claims its not the shot. Then why does it happen after I get it.

I haven't seen the commercial, but it sounds creepy, yes. What is the ad for?

I dunno what to make of these flying objects. Very strange, that's for sure.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I’m feeling quite mellow. It still hasn’t hit because mum was in the nursing home and hospital so it still feels like she will come home. I think the funeral will make it more real. Tomorrow we will be meeting at the funeral home and picking out a casket. That will be hard. When I lived in the cities I had a best friend that loved baseball. I’ve gotten out of the habit of watching though, I really only liked it live. I’m glad you have that. My sister has racing. Apparently next Sunday is a big racing thing.

Yes, choosing the casket will likely be hard. I'm glad you won't have to do it by yourself.

My kids have taken me to games and I absolutely loved it. But the cost is so high - and $40 to park in San Francisco! Although if I ever take myself to a game, I'd take BART (the train) into the city.

My sister-friend, Cindy, was a racing fan. Car races. Isn't @HALLIEBETH; a fan or horse racing?

I have to sleep but three is being a complete turd

Willowtigger be a hedgehog under the duvet

Then she might sleep

I’m not really a horse racing fan except derby day. I live in Kentucky and the derby is huge in and around louisville. I
Actually graduate college on derby day this year so no derby parties for me!

@*Beth* it’s not a dumb idea, don’t worry. It’s a pretty common suggestion actually. So is snapping a rubber band on your wrist or holding ice. The red marker and rubber bands don’t work for me but the ice has and is usually my go to, it’s just not helping in this particular episode. But I appreciate the suggestion and support. As for ECT it’s a very last resort. It would be hard to coordinate without going IP because no one could drive me, everyone works. There is an idea in my head that’s rather complicated that involves me sleeping at my grandmas place on ECT nights and having her take me and pick me up in the morning so I’d only be away from my family short times, but we’d have to see. Like I said, it’s a very last resort.

@BeyondtheRainbow you’re right, I was on Emsam/invega combo and it did work well. I can’t use invega anymore, that’s what contributed to my initial weight gain (that I’ve never lost). But Emsam was the other suggestion I had for my APN. I’m going to try to convince her to let me try it again. I’m not sure how she’ll feel about it, she might be resistant to prescribing an MAOI.

In any case I know Wellbutrin take 4-6 weeks to work but I’m not sure I can wait that long, especially with these intrusive thoughts and despair. And I’m on the lowest dose, if I have to go up on it there’s another 4-6 weeks. I might feel better in the spring, this could be my regular winter depression. There’s not much time left before spring plus we’re getting spring like temperatures quite often. Today should be quite nice. Maybe it will cheer me up.

Since my old pdoc retired the two APNs at the practice I use have taken on her patients so now I can’t see mine until mid March. I might call and see if I can get on the cancellation list. I’m not sure I can hang on until March 16.

i'm very sorry for your loss, nammu. peace and blessings to you.

I want to sleep all day long! That is how it is. No energy. I have reasoned back and forth with myself and come to the conclusion that if I hoover half the living room, that is better than doing nothing.

I'll go for that: Hoover half the living room.

It is scary to be so depressed, but I cannot see any other way to perhaps come out of this then accept the situation as it is, low in energy for now. If I am able to do a little more each day, I hopefully will recover slowly. I hope so!

Rosi, that is a DBT technique that I indeed forgot. Sometimes you just have to accept the bad situation for what it is and know it will change eventually. Just hang on until it does. You don’t even have to push yourself to do more each day (though it helps sometimes) but try not to do less.

You’re doing a good job, don’t forget that.

So sorry to hear

Oh, yes...I've heard about the rubber band idea. I don't know, that seems like self punishment. Ice sounds smarter. I think ECT should be held as a last resort @wildflowerchild25 . Although, from the people I've met here on the forum ECT sounds like it can be truly helpful. We've had a couple of guys here on this thread who had ECT. I don't know if it's a legal thing here or if this is standard procedure everywhere, but for the initial round of ECT the patient has to be IP.

Anyway, I think calling to be on the cancellation list is an excellent idea. Mid-March is too far away. And the low Wellbutrin dose + having to wait so long...that seems outrageous.

I so hope the more spring-like day today shifts your mood.

I'm traveling back today, but my gosh what a crazy past couple of days!

I had brain zaps happening every few seconds. It was so strange. Reality stopped for a moment during the zap and the zaps happened every few seconds. Turns out it was the gabapentin - I was missing doses because I was out or something for many days. Looks like that was enough to trigger acute withdrawal symptoms. I got back on schedule and things are much better now.

We visited more Mayan ruins but I didn't enjoy it because I was experiencing the brain zaps then and hadn't worked out why they were happening at that point. We took lots of photos but I'm not in many because apparently I wasn't looking to good.

My APN had an opening for Thursday so I took it. I’m not hopeful. But maybe. There’s no magic quick fix. It’s just it’s dangerous for me sometimes.

I am quite ashamed of my feelings last night. I don’t really wish RS and CR weren’t in my life. I shouldn’t have said that. What if I wished it into the universe.

I’m resigned right now to being miserable. I am still on the side of not caring about self harming. I do wish I had never promised RS. I had trouble taking my medication last night. I just was thinking wtf is the point. But I filled my box for the week and took the nightly handful. I had negative thoughts about those meds in my possession but it is what it is.

Work is proving to be very difficult indeed and I will probably make up some excuse to leave after special (2:15p).

I’ve had 15 rounds of ect. Any questions let me know

I slept well last night again. I was up for a bit around 9 but I was just hungry from skipping dinner. Once I ate something I slept fine. Yeah that Vitamin D was an issue. Glad my stuff is a diagnosed medical issue and be diagnosed by a blood test and fixed with a vitamin. That weird bug I had is also still gone and I feel so much better in general. I cancelled my doctors appointment for tommorow and I'm going to therapy today in person for the first time in 2 weeks.

My stomach still gets kinda queasy when I eat stuff. Thankfully my zofran works again. My pepcid works but it makes me not hungry after I take it. Zofran makes me kinda drowsy. At least this refill. At least it doesn't cause hunger. I've gotten generics of zofran that have made me hungry before. I'm not sure fennel flavored salami is the best thing to eat when you have a sensitive stomach though.

I had therapy. Her office smelled bad and I am still pretty queasy right now anyways from the fennel. We talked about food mostly. Before she even brought it up I said "I get the poodle thing." She seems to think my mental health issues are going good, we just have to work on the food issues. She said to me at one point "do you feel like you need to take a nap today?" Lady, I am an adult and in the same age group as you as well. So her comment irked me a bit. But besides that the session was well my stomach just felt weird.

My niece has been shreiking all day and not eating. My mom had to sit in the car with her while I was in therapy instead of bringing her in. I'm worried shes sick and I can't emotionally handle getting sick again like I just was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rosi700 I want to sleep all day long! That is how it is. No energy. I have reasoned back and forth with myself and come to the conclusion that if I hoover half the living room, that is better than doing nothing. I'll go for that: Hoover half the living room. It is scary to be so depressed, but I cannot see any other way to perhaps come out of this then accept the situation as it is, low in energy for now. If I am able to do a little more each day, I hopefully will recover slowly. I hope so!

Yes, I agree, excepting Hoovering is actually more than "doing nothing" because it's a big job, even just dragging the vacuum out.

Is a med change possible?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 I'm traveling back today, but my gosh what a crazy past couple of days! I had brain zaps happening every few seconds. It was so strange. Reality stopped for a moment during the zap and the zaps happened every few seconds. Turns out it was the gabapentin - I was missing doses because I was out or something for many days. Looks like that was enough to trigger acute withdrawal symptoms. I got back on schedule and things are much better now. We visited more Mayan ruins but I didn't enjoy it because I was experiencing the brain zaps then and hadn't worked out why they were happening at that point. We took lots of photos but I'm not in many because apparently I wasn't looking to good.

Safe travels! Gabapentin is vicious if you stop taking it suddenly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 My APN had an opening for Thursday so I took it. I’m not hopeful. But maybe. There’s no magic quick fix. It’s just it’s dangerous for me sometimes. Oh, Thursday is good! I am quite ashamed of my feelings last night. I don’t really wish RS and CR weren’t in my life. I shouldn’t have said that. What if I wished it into the universe. Just stop that, wfc. Everyone has those feelings about loved ones sometimes, and you're really battling right now. So stop that kind of thinking, please I’m resigned right now to being miserable. I am still on the side of not caring about self harming. I do wish I had never promised RS. I had trouble taking my medication last night. I just was thinking wtf is the point. But I filled my box for the week and took the nightly handful. I had negative thoughts about those meds in my possession but it is what it is. Good for you for using your meds! Your will be okay, you're already heading in a better direction with taking your meds and the soon appt. Work is proving to be very difficult indeed and I will probably make up some excuse to leave after special (2:15p). I think it's amazing that you're going for the day.

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Monday morning! I like week-days better than week-ends. Week-days are more productive for me and the world feels like it's in better rhythm.

For the first time I am seriously considering divorcing David. The old feelings of hate have returned, but stronger and with more revelation. I was 3 months out of high school when we met and I was so in love with him for so many years. But he neglected our relationship so badly, and emotionally abused me so deeply, that he just killed my love for him. It's dragged on for decades. I don't want my senior years dirtied by this. I'm just done. It's the strangest feeling! Like being let free from prison, absolutely like that.

How unfortunate that your vacation was made less enjoyable by missing a medication! That's good that you are back on track now. Traveling is tough for us folks with bipolar disorder. I've missed certain medications during travel, as well. During my last trip (to the US and coincidentally also Mexico), I was taking only 1/3 of my usual Seroquel dose. Also forgot my Synthroid, but I did get that med filled.

Feeling pretty good today. My job interviews the past couple of days have turned out to be scams, so that's been disheartening. I'm in a good mood though because I helped this lady with her budget plan today and I think we made some good progress.

I feel like I have a purpose, even though I don't know what it is yet, it's there and it's coming.