Bipolar Check-in #75

@buddha1too it’s great to see ya! Always got the light burning.

Thanks, Nammu. I haven't posted since you lost your mom & had to move. I hope your new place will grow on you. You've been in my thoughts.

Ugh, I was at the house and unpacking more boxes. When the creepy neighbor walked in, he has a habit of walking in without knocking. It’s really creepy the way they keep mum’s house under watch. But found my dishes, my plates and bowls. As far as I’m concerned the rest can go in the trash, I’m so done.

I just got out of IP. My therapist/case manager had me committed. In the hospital they had me taking all my meds as prescribed, so I'm feeling much better. No depression. No hypomania (boo hoo!) or mania.

I was pretty mad at my therapist. Thought she slightly overreacted, but now I'm okay with her. She just did what she thought was the safest.

Now. Back to my novel! Yippee!!

Oh, except now I'm being med monitored. Not very happy about that.

I called my doctor. I set up an appointment for next Wednesday. Then the receptionist wanted me to talk to the nurse. She asked some questions then decided it was ok for me to wait until next Wednesday.

I am so tired today and I can barely function.

I need to get to the grocery store and its not even an anxiety issue. I did go out for a bit today and my anxiety and paranoia were fine. I just didn't see what I was looking for and I didn't have the energy to keep looking at other stores.

I can't keep fighting it. This is now our home. Since starting these meds I have no drive. I can stay home alone but not interact with people. I'm in bed scrolling on my phone all the time. H wants me to start coloring again. Mom wants me to work on Christmas cards. They're talking about me learning programming or Spanish but I have no drive. I'm getting infuriated by everything. I'm calm but angry. We have obligations this summer that I don't want. We're making big moves to make this a forever home. I still don't have my service dog and my esa dog is having balance problems. plus her tumor split open so that has to be removed. I don't have a pdoc/T until August at least. We're going to try to move to a more handicap friendly apartment. I just wish I could be normal. This whole moving has been very hard on me and my not talking/ being around people I don't know it's really hard. I don't know how to get passed my "shyness"/paranoia. I'm not even active here anymore. I check on you guys but I have nothing to say. I'm hardly even talking to h or Miguel I'm just here. I don't even know how to start. I hate being trapped inside myself. Nothing going on in my head. Nothing to talk about, nothing to do, just going to go back to scrolling. Good to see everyone.

I have anxiety because i talked a lot at my mental health drop-in. I usually just listen. It was exciting but now i worry i was annoying or inappropriate. I try and tell myself it's a benevolent and compassionate place and i let others talk too. It's just so very unusual for me to express myself, i feel so uneasy when i do. Does anyone else have this?

@buddha1too:

Welcome back! I missed you! You might remember me from my former names Whatever2013 or JaneRedux.

@Soupe du jour:

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling in your marriage. I got tired of the constant negotiation and compromise when i was married too. I enjoy the independence of being single now, but the discomfort of the loneliness is pretty steep too. You've got the added stress of being in a country new to you and having to rely on your husband probably more than you're comfortable with. As you learn the language and get over obstacles like driving you'll likely be happier. Is taking public transit an option? I imagine if you even challenged yourself to run a simple errand alone, you'd be pleased.

Got my footrest! Smaller than I expected, but it still works for what I need and was very easy to put together. I can worry a lot less about possibly squishing my cat with the wonky recliner footrest.

My tooth still hurts, but it hurts a lot less with the baking soda/hydrogen peroxide regimen I'm using. Pain pills are even starting to be more effective! I'll give it a few more days. If there's no significant change, I might as well bite the bullet and find a low income or free dentist to help.

The electric company was willing to accommodate me for an extra day, which was nice. Another company I owed money to and explicitly said to charge me on Wednesday (my payday), apparently conveniently forgot and charged me today. I am now $6 in the red! Granted, it could be worse, but it's still aggravating!

Tomorrow, I've got to go to the nearest Medicaid office and get the renewal paperwork done! I've too many medical issues to risk losing coverage, so...

@Miguel'smom, I feel some of your pain you described. I can't speak for you, some of such types of pressures make me even more resistant/incapable of doing needed things. Please try not to think it's forever, though. At a point, we will start to get some things rolling, even if slowly and little things.

Thanks, @JaneOnceMore!

I want to say that I'm not really struggling in my marriage as much as just getting frustrated with the compromises. Hubby is a dominant type who rarely allows himself to lose an argument. He does compromise occasionally, though. You are absolutely right that my dependence on him in Czech Republic is a big challenge for me and part of the issue. My fear and resistance to taking more steps to be independent is my own issue. I hate to say "my own fault", but it is to a degree, yet I find these words too harsh. My post here sounds a little like Miguel'smom's, I think. I'll give myself similar advice.

There is a bus to Prague only two blocks from my house. I'm yet to take it, as Hubby always drives us/me there. The ride is nearlt 1 1/2 hours given its many stops. Long, yet also a chance to sit and meditate. I should also take more walks around where I live. There is a small village square with a library and some shops. Plus a pretty neighborhood and an old church (1730). An even bigger town is a 15 minute drive away with even more shops and a lovely old monastery dating back to 1032.

I understand anxiety after speaking in front of groups. Again speaking for myself, I have a wee bit of social anxiety. But when I am hypomanic or manic, I get what I call "Star of the Show Syndrome". That has its negatives, as well. Anyway, it's okay. We are far from the only people at such events that feel that way. Sometimes it feels that we are.

We were supposed to have some workers come to take down some of the old shingles (with asbestos) from part of our house and dispose of them properly. They have yet to show up. Our friend and renovator tried to call them and their phone # indicated being out of service. We paid them a deposit in the amount equivalent to $700. If they don't come, we may need to file a police report. Ugh! At least we didn't pay more than $700. They had been pressuring us to.

Thank you for taking the time to write some comforting words!

Hope you will feel better soon! If you become worse before the appointment, please call your GP at once.

My bleeding came back for a bit this morning and I just feel weird today. I know I'm not eating right so I ordered an eggplant and a can of tomatos and a bag of frozen butternut squash and a jar of butternut squash soup and a couple organic vegetarian frozen meals. I just have to figure food out still with my stomach issues.

Mainly today I'm just exhausted despite sleeping a lot last night.

This day has been a good day. My friends and I traveled to the country side where we had our dinner. After that we just relaxed and talked outside in the sun. It lifted my feelings of hope.

I was able to find an app where I can list some of my to do "things". I have already listed tomorrows doings before lunch. The reward will be the done "sign".

I look forward to try to follow my plans tomorrow!

So, my electric is now current. No danger of shutoff, though the bank had me freaking out that they lost my check and I wouldn't be able to pay! (I put it in their dropbox yesterday.) Thankfully, the deposit was just delayed.

I also made the trip to the next city over to hash out my Medicaid renewal paperwork. I'm glad I did because, instead of having one deadline like a normal group of people, I ended up with three. The hospital was telling me June 27th yet the state had the actual end of the month which was my expectation. HOWEVER, the state also had a June 2nd deadline to submit the paperwork to renew my Medicaid by the end of the month. Make that make sense.

Work week starts tomorrow! I'm ready for it!

So I told my parents about the big moves we're going to do. It was a million and one questions all negativity. I was asked why we're not moving back. Like the medical issues never happened. My dad actually asked what will happen if something happens to h and I have to move. Way to make me feel like ****. Like there wouldn't be problems if we lived in warmer weather. We're trying to make it so at least in my home I can do basic things by myself like cook, and shower. I understand I'll be stuck at home 6 months out of the year. But I'd be stuck inside all the time if I was at an assisted living place. I don't know what they want from me. No I do know what they want they want me to move back and pretend like everything is fine. I can't. I don't even know how to explain all the ****ed up ness.

My husband sent a criminal complaint to the police about the "no-show" not-really-company that stole our money deposit. It may not result in getting our money back, though. One has to be very careful here. It appears from research that the main "thief" was not a Czech.

Today we'll finally get our curtains hung in the house. We've had permanent electronic operated shades, but having them down blocks out all or most light. Curtains will give enough privacy, while letting more light in. Not to mention being prettier. Our friend and renovator passes by our windows throughout the day. Once daily our neighbor (the man who sold us the property/house) does, too. He has a huge barn where he keeps his farm animals and metal working workshop. His daughter will eventually build a house and driveway on the property they kept, but for now they get to the barn through our property, even keeping a key to our gate. As we keep some construction materials on his property, we can't say no to him passing through. He is a nice old man, but he and his girlfriend stare into our house through the windows, even waving to us while we sit at our kitchen table eating. I'm a private type, so this makes me uncomfortable.

Walked 5.8 miles yesterday -- but I should mention I didn't even leave the house. I paced listening to music for a few hours. I went to bed early-ish and woke up just a few minutes ago (now 4AM). I feel really good. I can't explain it, but maybe I just slept really well? It's that whole body-warmth type of feel good. I'm not gonna complain -- I need a vacation from the sadness.

5.8 miles is a great long walk. I'm glad to read that you feel so good. Savor that feeling, for sure!

I set my alarm right yesterday, but forgot to set the pull button into the right position. Result: I overslept with three hours ( ).


Still I have tried to follow the plan I wrote yesterday and that goes OK to some degree. I have started to re-read an old self help book on CBT. Will come back later and tell if I was able to do all my self-made "duties" of today before I go to bed today.

Feeling much better this morning. My life has been so chaotic that I kept forgetting to sign up for aqua fitness and was always on the waiting list. Now that it’s summer water stuff is jam packed. But when doing kicks I get flames of pain shooting up my back. That’s not good. It means there nerve involvement again. My hand is no longer swollen but that dull tho o ing pain is still present. I’m still overwhelmed with the house.

I'm feeling a lot better today. For breakfast I heated up a can of whole tomatoes and it was just like really nourishing. My mom said it was weird to eat heated up tomatoes and eat them plain, but whatever. They made me feel better after eating poorly for so long. I got to the store without any anxiety and got what I needed. And then I finally got a dentist appointment set up for Monday after putting it off for awhile. Now I'm just watching TV and waiting her news on the submarine like everyone else.