Bipolar Check-In #76

HALLIEBETH87 · Sep 15, 2023, 11:54 AM

Omg thanks god it’s the weekend

insideoutsider · Sep 15, 2023, 01:48 PM

Yes been looking to Friday afternoon since Monday morning

Mountaindewed · Sep 15, 2023, 02:36 PM

I got my anxiety under control last night and then I slept until 8. I couldn't pull myself out of bed until 10. I had the Today Show on and I had coffee and a soda. But I still struggled. Finally after I had to get up I got in the shower and immediatly felt better.

I had PT today and it went really well. She had me do some breathing excercises and showed me how to use a Squatty Potty. Then she said it seems like my posture is an issue and could be causing pain. I explained it was because of gender dysphoria and she said she figured it was that. She showed me how to sit in a way that wouldn't make me all crunched up.

I was really happy with how it went and after I was done I went to Target to get a Squatty Potty.

I seem to be in a better mood lately. I haven't been so relient on melatonin and music to help me get to sleep. Last night I didn't even listen to music and I take melatonin only about once or twice a week now.

Things are still moving in the right direction.

Aurelius710 · Sep 15, 2023, 04:27 PM

Well... I just had to excuse myself to calm down. A customer today made my blood boil!

Had a situation that I thought was going to turn into a stolen valor moment.

Customer came in wearing some kind of "Iraq War Vet" hat. I'm helping someone else at the moment, so I can't get to him. Someone does the normal "Thank you for your service." bit and he decided to regail us with tails of his "daring exploits" and sneered at us poor ungrateful peasants who couldn't possibly understand what he went through. The "sacrifices" he made. He was especially annoyed that I wouldn't react with slack jawed reverence and awe.

The veterans I know personally and the veterans I see in the course of my job don't act like this. I immediately think he's lying through his teeth, but I need to prove it. I can't just throw that accusation willy-nilly. Luckily, I've been around enough veterans of all stripes, I can ask the right questions to tease out the truth.

Long story short, he actually served, but never in combat. He was a desk jockey nowhere close to the front lines. Apparently, he decided to invent some war stories to "pad his resume" and puff himself up.

Once he realized I knew he was a fraud, he shut up quick. He's lucky he wasn't active duty as I would have contacted his CO. He made me that angry!

Nammu · Sep 15, 2023, 05:20 PM

Went to the bank today and tied the inheritance money up in revolving CDs. That way even if I do get manic I can’t spend it. Sure I could take it out but there’s penalties. On the plus side the money is earning 5% interest. Had to fill out a W-2 form so I can pay taxes on that! Hmpt

I’d like to take a vacation but can’t while Sir is sick. So having the money tied up is fine for awhile. It’s just too traumatic to take him to my daughter’s house where there’s stairs a, dog and two kids. I don’t know anybody in my building well enough to give them the keys to my place yet. So vacation is on the back burner. My sister wants me to get a new car but I’m fine with the one I have. It’s nothing special, especially to look at but it’s very highly rated for reliability. That’s important to me. Looks eh. Looks can be so deceiving.

I also got my daughter down as a beneficiary so the money won’t be an issue. All she needs is a death certificate and ID. Nothing like turning 65 to make you aware of time.

Had to turn the AC back on as the humidity is sky high today. It’s not hot but man is it humid. Didn’t get the front parking today so I had to park in back and walk up the stairs. Oofta. Can’t wait until I get a parking spot. The wait list for parking is sooo long.

Moose72 · Sep 15, 2023, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’d really like to know what it’s like to live without constant thoughts of people I know dying. It’s not even fear. It’s completely unlikely scenarios but they just come in my head and I can’t get it out. Like today, I was pushing a student on a swing and she leaned back and I pictured her sliding off and injuring her neck and dying. I’m constantly thinking RS is dead, and CR too. I thought since RS had been outside for awhile maybe he had a heart attack. I picture CR falling down the stairs. I saw CR sleeping on the couch and I had to study him for a few seconds to make sure he was still breathing. It’s exhausting.

And when I say it’s not even fear, it’s like when I picture RS gone, it’s more like a “that would just figure wouldn’t it”. Like it would be just my luck. And I can’t even imagine feeling bad about it (though I would be devastated) because I just keep thinking like the universe has tried to beat me down for years, I’ve already been through losing a husband. I feel like I’m due for another disaster.

I guess it’s trauma from suddenly losing my father when I was ten and then suddenly losing my first husband eight years ago. I don’t think anything can be permanent. I’m still semi-convinced that I’m going to lose CR in his early 20s. Don’t ask me why so specific.

I just think I have no right to be happy and the universe will continue to see to it that I never am for an extended period of time.

It would be nice to live without all this negativity but I’m not quite sure how to change it. It’s very deeply ingrained.

I’m doing well aside from the constant thoughts of death. At least it’s not my own this time.

Hugs being sent to all that need them, I know a few of us are struggling I just don’t have the mental energy to individually reply. I apologize.

I know this thought pattern well. Not so much lately, but I the past I’ve been constantly afraid something will happen to my children and I too have vivid visions of them crashing their cars or being killed some other way. One time, I was pacing in literal circles because I hadn’t heard from N3. I also pictured his death at almost 22. I’ve even been known to cry while imagining various methods of his premature demise.

JaneOnceMore · Sep 15, 2023, 06:20 PM

I had another quiet day, free from anxiety but also a little dull. That's just mild bipolar depression for you. My dog finished her course of antibiotics today. She took them like a champ, all 42 doses. She didn't barf them up once. I petted my neighbor's dog when we went out and was amazed again at how solid other dogs feel. My dog is really lightly-boned and delicate. She's only ten pounds. Some cats weight more! She'll be eleven next month.

Nammu · Sep 15, 2023, 06:42 PM

Wow, ten pounds! Yeah for most of his life my cat weighed more than that. Once he turned 18 though he started losing weight. So now he’s only 9 lbs. that’s a tiny, tiny dog! How cute 🥰

MuddyBoots · Sep 15, 2023, 07:07 PM

IOP did not go well today. I've slept about 15 hours over the past 5 days and they ask about sleep in check-in and the guy that runs it was concerned enough that he had me call him when I got home to make sure I got home safely (it's a long drive that involves a lot of intersections and some interstate driving). I'm having mad cravings right now just because I want to knock myself tf out. I'm on a shyt ton of medication but it ain't doing anything on this little sleep. I'm hallucinating and my emotions are all over the place. I'm having those "demons are twisting my thoughts" and "other people are speaking in code" thoughts again too. I'm tempted to taper myself off all my meds. For all I know one or more of them is/are causing my insomnia. They aren't helping, that's for sure.

Nammu · Sep 15, 2023, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

IOP did not go well today. I've slept about 15 hours over the past 5 days and they ask about sleep in check-in and the guy that runs it was concerned enough that he had me call him when I got home to make sure I got home safely (it's a long drive that involves a lot of intersections and some interstate driving). I'm having mad cravings right now just because I want to knock myself tf out. I'm on a shyt ton of medication but it ain't doing anything on this little sleep. I'm hallucinating and my emotions are all over the place. I'm having those "demons are twisting my thoughts" and "other people are speaking in code" thoughts again too. I'm tempted to taper myself off all my meds. For all I know one or more of them is/are causing my insomnia. They aren't helping, that's for sure.

Oooo please don’t do that, quit ing all the meds at once is sure to throw your body way out of wack. Can you call your pdoc and ask which one is most likely to cause insomnia?

HALLIEBETH87 · Sep 15, 2023, 11:49 PM

Ugh my a1c is up to 6.1 now. I hate this. I guess I need to
Increase my exercise, cut carbs and maybe increase metformin

MuddyBoots · Sep 16, 2023, 08:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu

Oooo please don’t do that, quit ing all the meds at once is sure to throw your body way out of wack. Can you call your pdoc and ask which one is most likely to cause insomnia?

I'm not going to "quit all the meds at once" I said I was going to taper off them.

Nammu · Sep 16, 2023, 10:10 AM

Sorry, I just saw you were tapering them all. That’s a bit drastic. Please do it slowly.

Crazy Hitch · Sep 16, 2023, 12:36 PM

Kitty cuddles at 3:00 am are the best to lift my mood. We have a lovely Indian and Nepali restaurant open in our town last night which is huge because I’m rural and there’s nothing out here. Just hope they can survive because we’re a small rural town so I’m not sure how they’re going to get enough clientele to stay open but man their food was good ! Even better that there’s leftovers for me tonight so I don’t have to cook tonight.

Got my 2 oldest kids coming to visit for dinner next week Friday. Too much excitement!

Sunflower123 · Sep 16, 2023, 03:21 PM

I took mom out to eat at a nice restaurant last night. I thought it might be good to branch out from her beloved Cracker Barrel. She couldn’t find any of her sweaters so she bundled up in a blanket which she took into the restaurant and had wrapped around her as she ate. That’s my mom. She had a nourishing meal cuddled up in a soft blanket. It didn’t bother me one way or the other. What did surprise me was the conversations it attracted. It was FREEZING in that restaurant and every person on the way to the restroom stopped to talk about that blanket’s uniqueness. She insisted I buy that colorful blanket with maple leaves for her. The only thing - those aren’t maple leaves - those are po# leaves. So funny!

I mentioned about two weeks ago that I had cut off some toxic family ties. It’s been a big boost to my peace of mind and mental health. Just wish I’d done it sooner. There’s a different dynamic for me now.

Doing okay today. I hope everyone else is as well.

LadyShadow · Sep 16, 2023, 03:32 PM

My a1c is 12! God, I am borderline short of gangrene and amputations, (that's what the doctor said). I have been careless for a long time, thinking I could ride the prediabetic wave forever. My doctor told me the risperidone has been known to increase sugar, so I may look into that.

Other than that, my mood has been pretty good. Sleeping is crazy, I have been sleeping close to 11 hours and I'm still tired. It's nuts. My surgery is coming up in two weeks so I am really nervous about that. The pre-op people told me I could still take my meds so that was good news, but nervous either way.

Aurelius710 · Sep 16, 2023, 05:37 PM

Well, I'm in a fun situation. Coming into work today, I had the car tell me that my engine was overheating. Not a normal "Beep. Beep. Beep." but a "Holy crap your engine is running hot! Pull over so the engine can cool down!" I've never had an idiot light tell me to pull over or else so I paid attention.

I found a weekend mechanic who was able to diagnose the problem quickly and estimated about $80-$100 for parts and labor. My issue: I only have $35 to my name today. I know what needs to be done. It's going to be a question of getting back home, about twenty miles away, without any grief or trouble. I have no problem not leaving town (or even leaving the house) until the issue gets resolved. I've just gotta get back!

Nammu · Sep 16, 2023, 05:59 PM

Oh, that sucks majorly Aurelius hope you make it home ok.

Mountaindewed · Sep 16, 2023, 06:25 PM

Since my stomach issues started and I started the metformin and the metamucil I don't really eat too many actual meals anymore. I mostly am just grazing throughout the day on stuff my stomach can deal with like no salt potato chips, and ketchup chips. I'll eat light Progresso soups too and stuff like that. I'm into fun size Snickers right now. I like the fall stuff Dunkin and Starbucks have out right now.

I've been worn out today but not in pain much. Just tired. My mom has been sneezing. Hopefully we all stay healthy. There was this gross smell in the garage last night and this morning. It smelled like the stuff you use to clean wood floors. My mom of course was saying it wasn't a big deal and just opened all the windows and doors to air it out and called my bil who was at a scout camping trip. I was maybe overeacting and thinking we should get it checked it out. She claims its not a big deal and she "doesn't know who to call anyways."

JaneOnceMore · Sep 16, 2023, 07:11 PM

It was another boring day. I had high hopes for "Star Trek: The Next Generation" on Netflix. There's tons of episodes and i thought it would amuse me for quite a while. But by the fourth episode i was finding it unpleasant. I guess it's just for kids. Then i tried a David Letterman interview series, but i didn't like that either. Having trouble tolerating things. Played some good Scrabble tho.

bizi · Sep 16, 2023, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

My a1c is 12! God, I am borderline short of gangrene and amputations, (that's what the doctor said). I have been careless for a long time, thinking I could ride the prediabetic wave forever. My doctor told me the risperidone has been known to increase sugar, so I may look into that.

Other than that, my mood has been pretty good. Sleeping is crazy, I have been sleeping close to 11 hours and I'm still tired. It's nuts. My surgery is coming up in two weeks so I am really nervous about that. The pre-op people told me I could still take my meds so that was good news, but nervous either way.

Did he start you on insulin?

Moose72 · Sep 16, 2023, 09:00 PM

Watching a series on Hulu that was suggested for me by Hulu- it’s called “The Patient”. Creepy for sure but intriguing characters. It stars Steve Carrel.

Today I didn’t go anywhere. Stayed home and cleaned a bit. Made chicken thighs for lunch - leftovers for dinner. Shared with Ariel. Also she thought she’d share my milk ! But I drank it all anyway. Yes I did. I called the emergency vet this afternoon, too, because Ariel ate a wasp!

They said it’s most likely dead in her stomach but to check for facial and neck swelling. Somewhere in there I went back to the sliding glass door where the wasp had been and there it was- half dead but not inside Ariel! I put it out of its misery and continued to watch Ariel in case she got stung as after the fact she was licking her lips and even wretched once.

June08 · Sep 16, 2023, 09:48 PM

I'm trying to decide if I need to try a higher dose of risperidone tonight (I'd only up it by .25)-this is something my psych said I could do without consulting him if I felt I needed to. My mood has been slowly declining for a week and a half or two weeks but has crashed hard in the last few days. My anger will spike real fast over the dumbest things. And, at the grocery store today, because I already had so much anger and depression built up, I almost started crying because they didn't have one of the things I wanted to buy. I really don't want to up the risperidone because I don't want to deal with more side effects (I had some for a few days when I first started it but then they went away). I'm also worried that, if I up it, the side effects will get bad enough I'll have to change my antipsychotic med again. I've had so many changes of my antipsychotic med that I think we're running out of options...But, if I'm going to up it, it would be best for me to do so tonight since I do not work tomorrow so could easily stay home to deal with any side effects.

The depression symptoms are so bad I've been neglecting my grad school work-I'm not sure how I'm going to get my paper done by Wednesday. I also think I got shaky today because I hadn't had enough to eat since my appetite is completely gone.

Everything I am feeling does feel like a mixed state-and how I typically feel when I need a med adjustment. I went 2 or more weeks with, at most 6.5 hours of sleep each night which is significantly less than I need so maybe that triggered something?

I could wait until next weekend to up the meds in order to see if this passes on it's own but that risks things getting worse...

Balancing this stuff sure is hard.

raspberrytorte · Sep 16, 2023, 10:39 PM

Bad couple of days as far as Coke zero goes...

I'm so disheartened and disgusted with myself! This **** is hard for me to get off of. It's worse than my vaping addiction! I can go through one vape pen in a week. I go through 24 Coke zeros in two to three days.

And I'm so FAT. We increased my metformin, so I'm hoping that helps. This is the fattest I've been in awhile. I'm just so uncomfortable and so frantic! I've been exercising, taking daily walks, and watching what I eat, but NOTHING seems to be helping!!! And I'm so OUT OF SHAPE. It's sad when a simple walk tires you out.

I don't know. I'm just not happy right now.

Crazy Hitch · Sep 17, 2023, 12:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Bad couple of days as far as Coke zero goes...

I'm so disheartened and disgusted with myself! This **** is hard for me to get off of. It's worse than my vaping addiction! I can go through one vape pen in a week. I go through 24 Coke zeros in two to three days.

And I'm so FAT. We increased my metformin, so I'm hoping that helps. This is the fattest I've been in awhile. I'm just so uncomfortable and so frantic! I've been exercising, taking daily walks, and watching what I eat, but NOTHING seems to be helping!!! And I'm so OUT OF SHAPE. It's sad when a simple walk tires you out.

I don't know. I'm just not happy right now.

Is it the caffeine addiction? Sorry I don’t know much about that brand of coke.

I’m addicted to coffee but I don’t drink it after 12:00pm otherwise I have trouble sleeping. I have enough trouble as it is. I can fall asleep but I don’t stay asleep.

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