Bipolar Check-In #77

I’m really struggling tonight. I don’t think I have a whole lot of fight left in me. It’s been a long, hard ride and I’m getting tired.

I’m going to keep myself busy for the next several days to see if that helps. I have calls in to my therapist and my med provider. I know my daughter wants and needs me at her wedding in April. I plan on being there.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day tomorrow.

I have been pretty depressed lately. I've been recovering from the situation with my ex fiancé. I still do not know what has happened to her. She has been in the hospital for about nine weeks now. I imagine they would've transferred her to longer-term care by now. But I don't know why they would have to do such a thing. Once a week, I check to see if she has ever made it back to her place. I still need to get my things from her place like clothes.

I purchased with money that I did not actually have an air fryer that is good for cooking meats. I've been making with it a perfectly to order and seared steak with it. This time it was a Prime ribeye steak Unfortunately, this means that I've been putting on some weight recently. It's so easy to gain weight on that Olanzapine that I am taking.

I see my spending rate has been taking up. This is not a good sign. I am going to have to work on this before it gets out of hand.

Very strong wave of negativity in my mind right now. I’m worried about RS potentially having something serious, and my brain is telling me it wouldn’t be surprising given how my life has gone and it would serve me right. I’m thinking I should just pack it in but I know CR would be devastated and I could never do that to him. Plus my mind is telling me I deserve this, I deserve to feel bad and that’s what I get and I can’t disappear because I deserve all this pain.

I remember when I was 15 and at the group home I felt like such a terrible person that I thought I didn’t even deserve to I deserved to live on the streets in NYC and suffer. I was close to NYC when I lived at the group home so I dreamed of running away, catching the train and disappearing into the people. I would get the pain I deserved and everyone would be rid of me.

Kind of how I feel now. CR is and has been the only thing that keeps me here. I know in my heart I’m a good mother despite all this BP trash. Not great, I keep leaving him for IP, but at least I’m trying. I’m way better than I used to be. I’m hoping to make it a year IP free. If I can make it til March 9 I’ll have done it.

Im now thinking it’s definitely the stress of the worry that has tipped me over. I guess tomorrow I have to write out a list of coping skills that will work in this situation. I did go for a walk today, I’ve got that going for me. I didn’t get to talk to my therapist today, she forgot the appointment (it’s virtual so I’m not sitting in an office waiting) so I rescheduled for tomorrow. She’ll help me sort out my thoughts. RS has his dr appt tomorrow too, so we’ll see what tests he needs.

I took an extra 50mg seroquel so it’s lights out. Thank goodness.

@BeyondtheRainbow Thanks for the little pep talk

@Sunflower123 I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I hope keeping busy helps in the way you want it to.

@wildflowerchild25 I'm rooting for you as you strive for your March 9th goal!

My psychiatrist called me today with the results of my bloodwork (I appreciate that he called instead of having his nurse call). He said my lithium levels are at the bottom end of the range they can be so, if I feel the need, I can up the dose. I see him on Thursday so I'll with him more about this in.

Right now, I'm wondering if I should give this current dose a couple more weeks to see if anything changes. My counselor pointed out I gained some new awarenesses this week (I started lithium a week ago today) so that may be a sign the med is working to at least take the edge off.

Today had its moments but was definitely better than yesterday. There are some behavior issues at school so that is tough. And, the coworker who is mad at me has started talking (I just don't know to how many people...)

I had counseling so am feeling in a good spot as I go to bed.

I want to give hugs to everyone struggling

My mom says I'm allowed back as long as I stay clean & sober until I move out and "don't get comfy, I wouldn't unpack if I were you."

This day has been better. After my usual morning ritual I walked to the nursing home where a relative of me is living. I walked back home and have been focused on staying in the here and now. After the evening news I will try to study if my concentration allows it.


Tomorrow will have the same "prosedure".

Congratulation! Well done!

Am glad you have called your therapist and med provider. We have understood that you have met hard challengers the last weeks. I hope you can get supported by your therapist. To stand in stress for a long time drains the energy and can make the way back to a less stressful life a bit difficult.

Do you have any good ways to relax in between? Balance is important.

When I feel drained and need something to focus on to take my thoughts out of the real situations I put on YouTube videos of a train going through the night or sounds of stormy weather. You may have another "trick" to use. Please take the time to use it.

I am glad to hear that your daughter wants you in her wedding and that you want to go!

Peace to you!

I had my ketamine infusion at the clinic today. The experience was more intense than my last infusion at the hospital... it started slowly and picked up quickly after that.

I'm still a little dizzy, two hours after the infusion. But it's slowly improving.

My anxiety is a touch lower than what it was when I got up.

Next infusion is on Friday.

Mood wise, I'm still feeling low but that's not new. Hopefully these infusions help with that.

Well, took my car to the shop. The sensor might be defective. The tire pressure was fine so no reason for it to be on. But it won’t go off. So the owner drove me home while they work on it. Plus he’s going to fix the fender panel. Thank goodness. I’ve been afraid to go though the car wash. Just hoping I get it back soon and that it doesn’t cost an arm and a leg. This shop is a bit pricy but I trust the guy that runs it. Maybe I shouldn’t? I know nothing about cars anymore. Back in the day before computers I could work on them but now! Ha. But we grew up just down the road from each other in the country. Then mum and dad moved to the suburbs inside the city limits. So we’ve known each other all our lives.

That's your depression talking. You deserve to have a so good a life as possible! We all do!

Good idea!

The fatigue is strong today, except now I have aches in my legs too. It's particularly bad today. I tried going on a walk with my husband and only could make it a block. Boo hoo! I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's time to make an appointment to see my primary.

Have work tonight from 5pm to 9pm then tomorrow from 11am to 3pm. Trying to mentally disconnect so I can just get it over with then I have three days off. I’m really not cut out for this type of job but I’m trying my best to hold out till I make it to 6 months experience there then put in a 2 week notice and go back to college and focus on that so I can get a better job in a field I enjoy. I’d like to make it a year but idk , we’ll see. It’s stressful. I took my propranolol though so hopefully my anxiety isn’t too bad tonight. My mood is stable though. I’m taking my meds. My biggest stress source right now is work and a lot of my anxiety is from that at the moment.

Difficult day. I didn’t think I could go back after my lunch break was over but the other assistant was out today so I didn’t want to leave my teacher alone. It was so hard. Being in the sun on the playground helped a bit, I could talk to my coworkers and not be so stuck in my head. There’s only two more days in the week. I can make it. Then next week there’s four half days for conferences and I don’t have to stay. That’ll help.

I’m laying in bed now and the SH thoughts are strong. I can feel the tingling on my arms. That was my go to SH spot for many years so that’s where it manifests. I feel like I should push myself to go for a walk to distract myself. Maybe I will, just up to the school and back. I feel like crying. I rarely cry. When I’m super depressed I feel like crying but I feel too dead inside to actually do it.

This is all my fault for going off lexapro I bet. I haven’t messed with my meds on my own for two years yet here we are. When will I learn? I really thought it was such a low dose that it couldn’t be doing anything. Well, now I know. I’ll see what my therapist says. I had a nightmare last night that I was forced to go to the crisis center. I hate it there, I really feel that they just see my name come up and automatically recommend IP. I’ve only ever left a crisis center without IP maybe twice. And I refuse to go there again, if I have to be admitted in the future I’ll call up my ECT hospital and get admitted directly. I won’t do ECT anywhere but my hospital, I already have enough fear of it, I don’t trust anyone except them. They’re very nice there too, the last thing I need is to go somewhere with mean people.

But I don’t need IP right now, I’m safe. I’m not paranoid or hearing things. I just need to hang on.

Edit: I did go for a short walk.

@Blue_Bird I don't remember what you do for work, but you can think of it as providing a valuable service to your clients. You're making someone's life a little bit easier through what you do.

It might help you tolerate your job in a more positive way.

You can disconnect, but I think that'll leave you feeling empty and tired, making it harder to cope.

I wish the best for you

Good for you @wildflowerchild25 for finding a way to cope!

Ever since I was in IOP this past summer I have been finding ways to cope with SH thoughts too. I can relate to what you said.

Sometimes you have to take things hour to hour, or maybe breath by breath. You got this!

I'm doing ok now. Today was a bit rough. I guess mostly physically. But nothing to worry about. It started this morning around 1 when I drank a watermelon Mountain Dew. 10 minutes later I felt like I was either going to burp or throw up in my mouth. So I covered my mouth I guess I thought I was just going to burp super loud. Instead I threw up through my nose onto my bed. Not a ton but, some. That was a first

This morning I napped for about 1.5 hours and I stil felt a bit off after. I had my mom google throwing up through your nose and google said it happening once isn't that big of a deal. I just drank the Mountain Dew too fast. I've been just really lethargic all day but I'm fine. People tell me I just need to excercise and watch what I eat and stuff.

I'm feeling better now. I'm thinking the increase in Prestiq may help. It still isn't in yet. Prestiq is one of those meds that can be hard to get because of shortages.

I am doing okay for the most part. I am dealing with a sick spouse. Haven't been on in a while. Been dealing with some health issues. Been tired a lot lately. As far as my mood is concerned, I've been stable. Just listening to music and relaxing.

Thank you I work in retail, I’m a cashier and also recently got an additional role as the talent captain. So I also interview people, choose which ones to pass on to the hiring manager to hire, run job orientations for new employees and training. It’s really draining, I also do sales floor stuff too like running merchandise onto the floor and whatnot and organizing etc. whatever they need. it’s hard especially because I have severe social anxiety and I feel I’m very awkward in social situations and I have to be extremely social in this job which is difficult. I’m trying to be more positive about it though because I’ve been very negative internally about it and it. It’s physically demanding too. There’s constant standing, bending, lifting, etc.

Anyway I just got off work. I’m at the bus stop right now waiting for it to pick me up to go home. I have work tomorrow from 11am to 3pm. Then I have three days off. The cool thing about receiving the additional position as talent captain though is that I have regular hours no, they’re not all over the place like they were when I was just a cashier

So we did the math and I'm stuck here for about 3 more years. Unless something drastic changes. I've been depressed for about a year now. H wants me to go to the psych urgent care because I have no psych or t and my meds run out in February. I brought up making dog harnesses but they cost about $40 to make and I don't have that money. H wants me to start coloring again but the organization of the supplies is to much for me. I dropped fries on the floor and I almost cried. H thinks if I want something bad enough I'll go outside to get it but that's just not true. He's like "I don't want you to be a shut in" well "I want a house I'm comfortable in". I am going to be a shut in because I can't deal with snow/ice, I don't deal with people close to me, and I hardly can get down the stairs but here we are. I haven't showered in awhile because I have to ask for help with everything and that's just one more thing I have to ask for help with. Laying in bed doing nothing I don't have to ask for help but I'm also getting weaker. Sometimes I wish I lived in a nice assisted living residence. I'm just floating by here. But at this point I don't know if changing my apartment will help. I know it's only a matter of time before he leaves. I have no energy for anything sexy or fun.

I so appreciate everyone on this forum. Thank you for the hugs and comments and your posts about your lives and situations. It cheers me up and encourages me. I know I’m not alone.

Today I’m going to take mom on a drive through the mountains to see the leaves changing color. What I feel like doing is curling up in a ball. What I’m going to do is go for a lovely drive and stop for some homemade Apple fritters and hot apple dumplings with vanilla ice cream.

I’ve got plans every day through November 13th. I may not make them all but it’s a good structure for me to keep moving forward.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day

I finally told her about the delusional fantasies and thinking I had when I first met her. Worst of all, I told them about it because I thought they were true. I love her and want her to know everything. I’d rather lose them than hide this any longer.

Hmm, I'm feeling a little lighter today. My mood is still low but it's a little lighter somehow.

I motivated myself to clean the kitchen and my bathroom - that's a win for sure. I made the bed too.

Could it be the ketamine doing its thing?

I'm trying to motivate myself to do other things but it's not working out yet. I'll stick with today's wins.

My next ketamine treatment is tomorrow.

Welcome, to msf and the bipolar check in. I hope you find what you need here.

It's highly recommended that I stay housebound as walking by certain neighbors' houses is a bit triggering atm, but it's so freaking gorgeous out that I can't help myself. I have therapy tomorrow. I feel like it's been a really long time since I've had a legitimate therapy session. I mean, last week she just gave me a ride home from the crisis center, the week before I was at some shelter seeing someone from a different ACT team, and for like the month before I was a little out of it (okay maybe really fking out of it--my CW said I was clearer on Monday than she's seen me in months and to be honest I don't even remember talking to her in months).

edit: and my mom got suspicious of my walks and came home with an at-home piss test for me. Lovin' it.

The leaf situation here:




(yeah, I did get caught in a downpour like four miles away)