Bipolar Check-in #86

Just saying hi. Been reading and keeping up, but I don't trust my computer for logging in too much now. Giving hugs to everyone out there struggling with your physical health.

I passed my online stuff and I'm ready to do on-snow testing to get my ski instructor certification, but I'm going to wait until next season or at least March so I can test out my current equipment/replace what needs replacing (I just realized my skis are now 12 years old! I'm good at filling core shots ASAP haha) and get my skills back up to snuff. Planning something next door in Vermont if this side of the Connecticut doesn't fill in.

Oh, I weened myself off my mood stabilizer too. But the captor...I mean doctor.... doesn't have to know that

My salmon is in the microwave.. I'll eat later

I'm reading I have nothing to say.

Did 30 min on the treadmill. Been dissociating a lot today. But also coping pretty well despite it. I drew some today. I signed my lease. I exercised. Meditated, journaled. Went to the food pantry and got food. That’s always an ordeal, like an hour and a half waiting outside in 20 degree weather. Glad that’s done. Took a shower. Feeling a little better now that it’s night time. Or maybe it’s the evening dose of Thorazine my psychiatrist added helping that I took around 5:30pm.

Oh I’m gonna be going to an art group once a week at my mental health clinic starting this week. I just got signed up for it, the referral went through. So I start that this Wednesday. I’m super excited about that.

I got brave and ate cod today. All of my allergy tests both skin and blood are negative for multiple types of seafood so I bought some cod today! My allergist said he has no problems with me trying the foods we tested for both on skin and in my blood. I cooked it with a little salt for 20 minutes. No tongue or throat or facial swelling! I am itching but I was itching last night too- I think it’s dry skin. N2 asked if I was going to try the breaded shrimp at Red Robin now- she reacted at age 9 to it there and needed IV Benadryl at the hospital.

Have you still been practicing violin Muddy? I need to get back into my routine with it been slacking a bit with it. My next lesson is on Feb 16th so I need to prepare for that

Yup! I started reading sheets again and am starting to get the hang of reading and playing at the same time, and I've been diving deeper into theory.

Nice! Theory is so important

Feeling really good today, Thank God! I managed to get up at 7am and drive all the way into the city for my doctor's appointment, then I came home worked for three hours and went back out to mail my friend a box for Valentine's Day, (belated Christmas present).

I feel really accomplished, like the fatigue hasn't taken me over like it usually does. Plus, it's going to be 65 degrees on Wednesday. I plan on getting all dressed up and treating myself. I know that there will still be some dark days ahead, but I am counting my blessings and remembering that through all of this I managed to stay sober! Trying my best to stay thankful for the day and taking things one day at a time!!

My brain sure didn't work today. I've been struggling to find the words to say, or say the completely wrong thing. Brain fog is a POTs symptom so I think that's what's going on since other symptoms were acting up today too.

Mood wise, I'm stable but suppressing a lot of anxiety. I just want to curl up in my bed and be able to stay there, away from my problems, the rest of my life. If it wasn't for the fact that I am trying to hide my mental health struggles from my roommate, I'd probably just go to bed even though it's only 7:20 pm. I know I have a lot of blessings, but part of me wants a redo of life to see if the redo would be any better.

Check out Maximbady’s Facebook page. He’s got a video about Android vs IPhone users. Pretty funny!

Took a 30 min walk to the store to buy a gallon of milk. In about an hour I’m gonna hop on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Also gonna draw and practice violin today. And clean my apartment some.

Wound up at the library this morning. I'm not going to be home until late: NIGHT SKIING! Just how I started out--learning alternating between being blinded by bright artificial light and being in the dark on trails that have been scraped to hell after 8 hours of traffic and probably warm day temperatures melting followed by freezing once the sun says adieu. I see my pdoc today before I go though. I am hoping she doesn't convince me not to go. The place I picked is like two hours away in Maine--the opposite way of my house from the office haha. Today's my first day driving in weeks, slept a combined 7 hours for the past 50 hours, and I called the emergency line last night. I plan on being totally honest, but I'm going to try and qualify things so I don't get hospitalized because "after our last appointment I felt hopeless and swallowed 60 pills and now every night I hop into bed, panic, immediately hop out and then pace around the house like I have a joint tissue problem because of obsessions involving corners while trying to fight the urge to put a knife in my throat parallel to my shoulders which I only don't do because of this (other's tell me delusional belief of) immortality," just screams "Muddy shouldn't leave here, drive two hours to another state, ski four hours, do an even longer drive back to her house, and then be alone to have the night-panic. Maybe Muddy shouldn't even drive back to her house."

I got a new treatment plan this morning though. Even she added PTSD as a dx to the list. Last year I was "sub clinical" and it was "ruled out." Talking to my CM this morning we decided I already had OCD ish traits anyways. I have a family history of it and I used to do this same crazy weird way of pacing thing I'm doing now, but I sorta intuitively therapied myself out of it for at least a few years? It was pretty much just a matter of catching myself, saying "no, I'm not going to do that," and sitting with the discomfort while trying to distract myself with something else that usually involved sitting or walking far in the woods where there's none of the objects that trigger it.

I got into crocheting recently, too. It's something I used to do with my grandma when I was 5, so I kinda remember what to do for the basic things I've been working on (made a beanie and started a blanket) just had to look up some stuff. I didn't realize the blanket was going to take up every ball of yarn we have in the house. I already used one new skein (Idk how long it was, but it was a big one of medium weight) and halfway through another. It's like a foot and a half long so far lol. I have two other similar skeins and I think 4 balls a nurse gave me when she got so excited after seeing my hat. I might save the balls for other hats/scarves/warm stuff because they're more bulky and I just think the colors would look good as a hat/scarf combo on a windy, cold spring day.

Oh, we had an earthquake yesterday too. I joke that my cat ate a new food too fast and got bad gas. It was one of the more significant ones we've had in a long while as in, it was actually heard and felt if you weren't driving, having sex, or destroying furniture (I did not hear or feel it).

I think I'm going to tell my pdoc my not taking my meds is because the last book I finished was Brave New World. Gives "stability" a negative connotation haha.

Bought wild-caught salmon and precooked shrimp - Whole Foods 365 brand. It’s quite expensive and I don’t want to overload my system just in case so I’m going to wait several days before trying one or the other not both at the same time.

I read about that. Once when i waz still working, the woman in the next cubicle got a phone call from her husband that he felt the earth move! I was like, uh, thats not good - your at work, whats he doing at home that he feels the earth move?!

I’m negative for MCAS!!!

I'm having a pretty good day. I slept well last night, and I woke up not nearly as physically fatigued as yesterday. Took a power walk this morning, and it wasn't too cold, saw a couple of cute cats while I was out. Showered, ate, started a new book, and used the SAD lamp. Not convinced I drew better pictures today than yesteray, but I didn't feel as frustrated with drawing (in the Creative Corner forum). I am proud of my outline sketch of a Carolina wren that I plan to color tomorrow; it looks dead-on like the sketch from the book I was working from.

I went to the library to return some books & pick up a couple of books on hold. On the way back, I stopped at Starbucks for a mocha latte & tomato & mozzarella sandwich. It felt good to get out some, but boy, the police were really patrolling my town today! I passed 3 police cars with lights on who had stopped cars and drove past a 4th just hanging out at a speed drop waiting for someone unsuspecting to drive by.

Here is my Carolina wren outline sketch and a picture of my cat Licorice

I see my pdoc in person in a bit. The first time in about 2 years. I wonder if he went on ozempic. I'm just going to tell him everything is fine with my meds and working out and dieting has helped both my physical and mental health and the increase in Prestiq helped a lot with my agoraphobia. I'll tell him I applied to 6 jobs and it was a no on all 6. Hopefully he will be somewhat happy with things. The man is never totally happy.

Yeah my pdoc went on Ozempic or something and lost a lot of weight. I mentioned my metformin as part of my new routine and he said "I don't know if you can tell I am on a diet." Way to fish for compliments dude. Then he said that GLP1s cause a lot of GI side effects when I didn't even mention wanting to go on one???

Idk. But the appointment went well and he was in a good mood and happy with my progress.

@Moose - I love fresh fish, but you are right; it is insanely expensive! Even frozen, it's expensive. I would cook fish a lot more because my extremely picky family actually likes fish, shrimp, lobster, etc. But the cost! And I'm not even buying at Whole Foods but a local Texas grocery chain (which with groceries shooting up in cost everywhere still is not cheap). Hey, Trump, I thought you said high groceries were Biden's fault; I think you're only going to make the cost higher deporting undocumented workers willing to work much less than your average American for menial agricultural labor. That cost only gets passed on to the consumer as even HIGHER food prices.

This will last me a long time especially if I only eat it once or twice a week. Don’t want to overload my system and have an allergic reaction.

Been seeing things last few days. Silver lines of confetti falling, geometric shapes and tiny ants. Earlier I saw a spider too but when I went to kill it I couldn’t find it. No voices or Satan thoughts thank goodness. I’m Not depressed or manic.

Worried about myself. This is how it starts. Seeing Pdoc tomorrow.

Did my 30 min walk this morning outside and then did 30 minutes on the treadmill. Feeling pretty good. The Thorazine increase seems to be kicking in and helping with my paranoia and other stuff. I practiced violin a bit too. Hit my 10,000 step goal today. I also took a 3 hour nap. Not intentionally. Like I just got really tired due to the med increase so laid down for a bit then woke up 3 hours later.

Tomorrow is my first day at the art group. I’m looking forward to it.

Had a really good day today, weather is warming up, so I am feeling much better. Still having trouble getting up at a normal time, but I think I am doing pretty good since I am working and taking care of myself the best I can. I love your drawings @Blueberrybook - the police were around my town today too - pulled a lot of people over today. But I felt good, the weather was nice, and I got to enjoy some of it which really lifted my spirits. I hope you feel better @June08 - and @MuddyBoots Brave new world is one of my favorite books!

Bought a new book today called "Project Hail Mary" that's really supposed to be good that I am going to start. Hope everyone had a great day today, supposed to be 70 degrees tomorrow!

Mood wise, I crashed hard this afternoon, which brought back SI. I took my prn of seroquel because I can't tell if the irritability is from depression or mania.

We went out to dinner where I picked at a plain turkey sandwhich. I ate 2 pieces and I skipped the fries. The turkey looked weird. Then on the way back I got an ice cream which is something I can't have. I only took a few bites turkey sandwhich was fine.

But anyways I'm just relaxing now.