Bipolar Check-in #86

Thanks so much for your understanding. When he comes ou

I wasn't done see it glitches on me. But anyway, when he comes out for a day visit we usually have pizza or I get him panda express. And listen to music. The deal is no Taylor swift.and no death metal on his side.

We usually listen to Lincoln Park, staind, Metallica, and for me he admires tori amos, and various other softer music. He also does like green day. We saw the American idiot play! We were in the second row! We both love green day! All kinds of music we agree on.

I missed him today. I love him so muck! I just wish he'd learn to love himself. I talked to the guy that is working with us about him getting therapy to learn some coping skills for his self esteem and anger and he said it's up to him to make his appointments and to go. My caregiver said once we get you settled we'll work on advocating for him.

Thanks for your understanding again. 😊

@Blueberrybook:

So sorry to hear of all your troubles with things breaking down in your home, and car. And on your H's birthday! ROOTS in the pipes -- ye gads, how are you not going bonkers?!

It'll all get sorted out in time, tho. Just be patient and breathe, breathe, breathe.

Thanks for chiming in about my building's social events, in the midst of all of your pain. Yeah, we do have a swell "vertical neighborhood" here. The Social Committee disbanded over COVID, and it took this one powerhouse dynamo graphic designer new owner to re-ignite it.

And re-ignite it he has -- it's an inferno now! He's almost over-the-top! He definitely errs on the side of doing "too-much," rather than "too-little." His events are dazzling, breath-taking.

Unfortunately, they are also poorly-attended, with only ten or fifteen people. Don't know how long he can keep himself going in light of such poor attendance. But it's his passion, and vision, so i must let him be, and trust that he can manage himself well enough not to get frustrated, and bitter.

I was on the Social Committee myself. The old director pre-COVID was fine with me just pitching in when i can. But this new director wants a commitment, days in advance, and i just can't do that with my sleep being so wonky.

Also, he is not too nice to me because we clash as personalities. So i've decided to attend his events strictly as a guest. I did cheat his last two events, and pitched in by taping down all the electrical cords he had snaking along the sides of the party room as they were a tripping-hazard.

This Valentine's event, i knew he was wanting to maintain privacy for the room, and unveil it only upon opening, and he had put a string curtain in front of the glass door, which didn't really work that well, so i taped up some pretty green tissue paper for him, without telling anyone.

Whatever, i know he noticed, and he knows it's me. It doesn't matter if he doesn't say thanks. He lacks grace-under-pressure, and doesn't delegate, isn't a good manager, and suffers for it as he has a severely compromised immune system due to being a kidney transplant patient.

But he must get something out of all his work, and it's a volunteer position, and if he wants to kill himself putting on social events, it's up to him. I am certainly grateful that he makes the effort. He's a virtuoso of party-giving, and if he is cranky before showtime, i must just steer clear of him, and not participate officially, just do small things under my own initiative.

He's still nasty to me, and i can't really indulge that, as he is an adult, and shouldn't take on leadership roles, if he is not willing to delegate, and maintain grace-under-pressure, which is critical just before showtime, when he is liable to lose it, and be unpleasant.

Sorry so long, it's been on my mind for a while now. Just had to vent, i guess. Thanks to all who made it thru!

@Iloveanimals25:

Hi! I'm Jane! Welcome to the bipolar board! I've been meaning to write to you, just haven't had a chance.

I am so moved, and inspired by your compassion, care, and effort with your schizophrenic son! You really try and work WITH him. It can't be easy, and it's good for me to see a responsible parent.

My parents just threw my schizophrenic brother out. Took away his food, clothing, and shelter at 16, as soon as it was legal to abandon your children. On his 16 birthday even. "Happy Birthday. Get out." Gee, mom and dad, your compassion knows no bounds...

My parents were monsters.

We like all the same music. I loooooooooooove Tori Amos! Have you seen her videos of her live performances on YouTube? She's a witch, an apparition! She plays two pianos, abutting each other with just space for her in between the keyboards!

She tosses her beautiful red hair about, really snapping it up like an animal. She just whips herself up into a frenzy! It's so fun! What's your favorite Tori Amos song? I like "Raspberry Swirl." It's got such ENERGY!!!

I like Staind's "Outside" too. Such an evocative song. What do you like better, the studio version or the live version?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I slept eight (8) glorious hours last night, with just one brief potty break. Feel much healthier today. Sleeping earlier, which i like, and having early mornings, which is good for getting lots of things done. Must run now. Know i love you all, and sorry i couldn't get to all of you. Be well, and keep the faith!

@Blueberrybook

Okay, I'll start weaning myself off diazepam. I'll only take 20mg today.

@Mountaindewed

I shouldn't be pre-diabetic. I just had a physical and bloodwork done and she only found I had low vitamin D and was anemic, so now I'm on a vitamin D capsule and ferrous sulfate (for the anemia) and am feeling much better physically.

Sorry for the tmi. But I think I just needed to use the bathroom badly. My anxiety and physical issues are a lot better now and I'm in a good mood and I have energy. lol. I know theres something called being "crankypated."

I feel like an anxious lethargic mess so I took my blood sugar and its 149. I have no clue what to do for a high blood sugar. I've never dealt with this issue before in my life.

Now I'm throwing up yellow stuff and I can barely stay awake. No way am I going to the ER after those dreams I've been having.

I did my blood sugar again 2 hours latee and its 132 now

@JaneOnceMore

That is disgusting what your parents did to your brother! I will never give up on my son! Never abandoned him no matter how mad he can make me, lol.

On I know everything about Tori. I've been listening to her since I was 24 and I'm 50 now. Raspberry swirl was my favorite for a long time,now it's probablthe one thats on American girl posse that goes im an milf dont you forget milf dont you forget. I likr her live best. Did you know she can play 7 instruments? I recently saw an interview of her where she said she put out an album in '88 and it flopped and she got so depressed she thought about giving up. Thank God she didn't. I'll tell you that women saved my life many times just knowing I wasn't the only one that felt that way. She's a GODDESS! Nice to see someone else that appreciates her. My son like her too, lol.

@raspberrytorte - Best if you are going to try to start weaning a benzo to do it with your pdoc's help. It is not a fast process. But I do have to say I am less forgetful, never lose common words in conversation anymore, can read books again and once I got used to being off benzos have fewer and less severe panic attacks. I think once you are at a point where a tolerance has built up, benzos do more harm than good. However, then entire weaning/tapering process is no fun at all, and you have to be prepared to face that and hopefully have some things like prn Seroquel and propranolol that can take some of the edge off.

I have to go back and catch up on the other posts.

Today, whoa! am I exhausted from the pipe ordeal last night and poor H, it's not easy for him to get under the bathroom sink in a small bathroom and him being 6'4" tall. He was cursing and yelling and the gist of it is we're calling a plumber tomorrow. God knows how much that will cost to fix. We had to spend $5000 to fix the original pipe leading to the city sewer a few months back as it was put in as a clay pipe and had disintegrated over the years. And we have all the rest of these moments praying our cars will last...H's car is 30 yr. old and mine in 20 yr. old, but buying a good used car is expensive and things keep happening like I get hospitalized, the water heater has to be replaced, etc, and none of that is cheap.

I still did manage a good night's sleep, did a pilates video, had curbside grocery pickup.

Then and sorry this is TMI regarding sex:

Possible trigger:

Afterwards this morning, H told me he didn't want to alarm me but he felt a couple of rough spots while having intercourse. I suppose it can be anything and not necessarily a worry? But now I'm wondering if I need to try to get in to see the gynecologist before I'm due for my next annual exam August?

So that's got me a little anxious.

Drew a couple pics, in the creative corner, nothing really turned out today

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iloveanimals25 Until I was about 30 I exercised every other day. Then when I was 34 my mom passed away. When I was 35 I had back surgery, then at 36 I had that psychotic break. Since then I've been pretty sedatary. About 3 months ago I was doing a big about 25 min physical therapy work out. Then I got the flu and haven't went back. But I went to the Dr and I had lost 12 lbs in 4 months. I'm not eating much since I took myself off doxepin. Idk what I'm going to do when I'm taken off clonazapam. I guess go back on doxepin. Before I was medicated for bipolar I was in an avid reader. I would even read like 5 books at a time. A lot of non-fiction. I read my history book from college about the beginning of America to right before the Civil War. It was horrible what we did to the the natives and blacks and indentured servants. I read it like 4 times. I'm hoping getting off clonazapam gives me the ability to read again.

Definitely getting off clonazepam gave me the ability to read again. It didn't happen until I was completely off the clonazepam maybe a couple of months beyond that. But then, suddenly, I could read again! I'd always been an avid reader, and it was as if a large part of who I was had been stripped away from me when I couldn't read for years and years. Being able to reconnect with my love of reading is perhaps the BEST benefit I've had from getting off benzos!

@JaneOnceMore - I'm so glad you got some much needed sleep. Did you try melatonin last night, or you slept without it?

Blueberry I definitely agree that benzos increased the frequency and intensity of my panic attacks. Getting off them was the right thing to do. I took myself off back in the 90’s but I needed to get off AD too before I was able to stabilize. Less is definitely best for me. The funny thing was that the pdocs didn’t agree with me, they kept saying I needed the benzos. Now days pdocs are reluctant to prescribe benzos but mostly cause it’s frowned on. It’s my opinion that too much medicine can cause physical medical problems. Doctors need to stop one or two meds and have a waiting time before introducing another med. this adding and adding meds is wrong. Just too many interactions that are unknown.

How is everyone doing? Good I hope. Monday morning here and gees I’m tired. Just couldn’t fall asleep last night.

I took a 20 minute nap. Then I ate some soup. I'm still just lying down. I'm getting my weight down so idk. Cutting out food groups and working out is helping my weight at least. I hope my formly 400 pound jerk ozempic queen cousin is at Thanksgiving this year.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook @raspberrytorte - Best if you are going to try to start weaning a benzo to do it with your pdoc's help. It is not a fast process. But I do have to say I am less forgetful, never lose common words in conversation anymore, can read books again and once I got used to being off benzos have fewer and less severe panic attacks. I think once you are at a point where a tolerance has built up, benzos do more harm than good. However, then entire weaning/tapering process is no fun at all, and you have to be prepared to face that and hopefully have some things like prn Seroquel and propranolol that can take some of the edge off.

Great post! I wanted to chip in for a moment because for me you hit the nail right on the head. Once the tolerance for benzos is built up, for me they did more harm than good. And even when I went off them for a period of time, then reintroduced them as guided, that tolerance was still there. Their efficacy was poor and side effects more pronounced. I came off them a bit to fast due to poor GP knowledge and landed in ED for a period until they were flushed out of my system. No seizures, though not a pretty process. I do feel the benefits now as a level of coordination and memory has returned. If I remember correctly......

A happy hello to Monday when you get here to all. Grateful for the sleep I had, and, the rest of the night would have been awesome too. The idea that "the body will do what it needs to do" is certainly true. The more one ages, the more I recognize this need to listen to it. Dang fangled body, I think it was a poodle in a previous life cause it's got a bit of an attitude problem at times!!! Quiet day today, going out later to scout a few more spots for prospecting as the patch I am on has more or less dried up with one small piece produced for a decent day swinging. YAY. Heres to finding the next little pocket of wonder. Happy days - and happy days to you all. YAY Stay awesome

@Blueberrybook:

No, i slept on just my regular meds. No melatonin required. That's two nights in a row i went to bed early. Yay! I'll be able to start the last bit of my benzo taper in a few weeks if this keeps up. Fingers crossed!

So sorry to hear your plumbing woes continue to get worse. Your vaginal issue is of concern too. Will stay tuned for news.

I am so effing frustrated!! What is wrong with me? I can't eat anything and my blood sugar is still high and I've emailed my therapist 3 times today and I'm just a mess

seems like a good time to use distress tolerance skills.

lous thunderstorms all night and snowall day today. more snow coming on tues/wed. ready to be done with winter yall. its getting old

What are those? I just took a few melatonin and turned on Coldplay.

It could be the cataract situation too. My mom is all like they will just do surgery to remove them if they need to. Yeah. Surgery. Like getting a haircut.

my granny had two cataracs removed recently and said is a very easy surgery. no pain.

distress tolernce skills are DBT based. good skills to learn for those pesky days when everything sucks.

Distress Tolerance: DBT skills | Worksheet | Therapist Aid

Cataract surgery is really no biggie, nothing to worry about. They give you some benzo to relax beforehand, and it really a fast surgery. After getting the first eye done, I was so psyched to get the 2nd one done. No pain with it, just had to use some teardrops a few weeks postsurgery. I was already seeing better on the drive back home right after surgery.

Had a good day. Had a great violin lesson with my teacher tonight. Learning so much. Anyway I had a good day. I started dissociating earlier and having a severe panic attack but I took a klonopin my psychiatrist prescribed and between that and practicing violin all of it went away. So I feel a lot better now. Violin is always a good grounding technique. It requires so much focus. My lights are flickering I think because of the wind outside. I hope the power doesn’t go out.

I'm in a ton of stomach pain. Like bad. And I threw up something that looks like one of those little shrimp things. Creole shrimp or whatever. But I don't want my dream coming true of the weird medical tests and unfriendly doctors. So I'll just wait it out. I'm dropping weight like crazy though. I think it could just be what I've cut out recently.

Idk. Today was just off.