Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

The past few days have been incredible. It has been between 70-80 degrees all the days, and I have been spending a lot of the time outside. I have been pushing myself to leave the house, so I don't sit around waiting for emails. It's been the bane of my existence. One miracle happened Thursday where he actually unblocked me, and we talked for two hours. All I heard was the uncertainty in his voice, and how much he is NOT ready to be with anyone right now. There is a lot going on in his life, as well as mine. So, we're back to emails again, but it doesn't stop the love I feel for him - I have come to the conclusion that the path toward God that I am on is what is planned for me. My faith and this path to join my church, and the Legions of Mary, is what I am intended to do.

My heart is lonely, yes, it is. The loneliness is overwhelming sometimes, and every time I pray, I tend to cry. But I am learning all about sacrifice and what I am meant to do. I am in no position to date; I am a total wreck. This path that I am on is leading me to my purpose, and I firmly believe things are the way with my ex on purpose to bring me to where I am supposed to be. It will take time to figure all of this out.

@Moose72 - I know firsthand what mania can do. Being deeply spiritual and being manic, are really fine lines. I hope your pdoc can help.

Today's beautiful weather prompted me to get all dressed up. I got a lot of compliments at the meeting. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Saturday!!

I'm okay. I cancelled my tooth pulling because I have vocational rehab that day. My therapist isn't too keen on it but if h is going to do it so should I. I'm supposed to get through at least one class before vocational rehab meetings. I don't want to do anything. I'm super low motivation. Low level catatonia I guess. It's weird.. I'm not doing much. I'm months behind coloring.

Moose72 - I know firsthand what mania can do. Being deeply spiritual and being manic, are really fine lines. I hope your pdoc can help.

Pdoc is Mia for the weekend. Monday I see my primary for a follow up to the gastroenterologist. I guess she might see me that morning but she’s gonna be pissed I won’t take the 3 mg Vraylar.

I'm kinda depressed but I'm also just kinda feeling here. I did 4 loads of laundry today and listened to Of Monsters And Men a ton. I ordered a bunch of water I can drink. I just feel kinda overwhelmed I guess. My therapist sent me a nice email. I see my pcp on Monday. Idk. I'm guessing what I'm feeling is normal.

I got a nasty email from a gu at work for accidentally taking the room for a client he usually uses. i dont really know why id id that but i feel attacked. he even attached my two bosses. i cried myself to sleep last night thinking about it. if i still lived with granny id quit. im sick of my job. im getting burnt out by people like him. my direct supervisor said i handled it with grace. grace..yeah. i didnt say how belittling his email was just becasue he has a higher job than me. i think he looks down on peer supports like me becasue we struggle sometimes. i need to talk to my t about this. im kinda glad my bosses saw what he said. i didnt do anything malicious. it was a freaking accident. i dontknow what i was thinking taking that room. ugh.

why are people so nasty over petty things? i even only had the room for 30 minutes anyway and would have moved if he asked. he could have been mature enough to just talkto me. maybe im becoming unlglued but im crying again. this is dumb. im bigger than this job. motivates me to study and pass my test so i can get a new higher paying job. ugh.

@HALLIEBETH87 when do you take your test? Does it take long to get the results?


It's so different now than when I did my certification test back in the paper and pencil days.

Sorry he was a jerk. Some people just like to feel powerful and even something as stupid as a room are sources of power. You have power too; only a few more weeks of classes and then your test and you will be in a totally different position.

I’m scheduling next week for May and June and I’ll get results immediately

Good luck Hailey.

I'm still feeling effed up. The vitamins I am on now I had a bad reaction to before and my pdoc told me they would increase my anxiety and depression. But my GI swears they wouldn't. Yeah...
I'm trying not to get too worked up because my pulse is 93. But I still just feel really bad and idk why.

@Mountaindewed I got very anxious on CoQ10 and had to stop it. My sister who does not have bipolar or any other disorders also had to stop it because it made her anxious. So I think that one can cause anxiety in at least some people (which is true about any substance, making this totally not helpful).

I stopped eating completely. I'm still drinking water but nothing to eat.

I keep wondering if I've reached the bottom, but things keep getting lower.

I think it's because I went off Remeron.

I see my pdoc on Monday but there's really not much we can do.

At least therapy is going well.

@BeyondtheRainbow thats the one my pdoc told me would cause issues. So I just took the b2 this morning. I read that lowers anxiety and depression. Idk.

I feel a lot better now that I just took the b2 and skipped the other one.

This is not for me. I've been through too much already and now adding this really bad depression?

I slept for an hour last night. I don't know why I bothered changing and going to bed.

And I'm freaking cold! I'm wearing a thick sweater and I'm shivering, I had the sweater on in bed too and I'm still cold.

I'm gonna eat something, I can't continue like this.

I’m downtown at a coffee shop. Got a parking spot on the street next to church. I don’t know when the church opens but there’s an 8:00 service. I have to be there by about 8:30. I took my morning klonopin and I feel drugged. Probably I didn’t sleep enough unless it’s a Vraylar side effect. I did sleep about 7 hours so that’s strange.

Feeling quiet today. Couldn't relax into drawing. Maybe a bit keyed up. Drew 2 pics but not too happy with them (both in creative corner).

Salt water taffy:

Today was a monumental experience. As part of me being baptized, for every one of the three scrutinizes, (gospels during Lent), I have to go up to the altar and the priest prays over a special prayer of the "elect" (that's me). Last week he just had his hands over my head and prayed, today he actually touched my head with his hands, and I felt his prayer wash over my soul. These prayers are to exorcise my soul before baptism, (this was kinda interesting to me considering my history in mania and some of the experiences, (religious) that I've had). It's so hard to discern between deeply spiritual or religious experiences and mania, (I empathize with you @Moose72 so much). I am the ONLY one entering my church, so I am the only one coming up to the altar like this and I feel kind of really special. It's such an amazing feeling, especially when the whole church stands up and was praying for me.

I can't explain this feeling. It's like I finally found my purpose. Things are really going well with my ex too. I think I had like 8 emails yesterday - we talk a lot more on Saturdays when there is less responsibilities for both of us. He was an altar boy and knows all about the church, so I love hearing his insights on things.

I am at my parent's house now, and my mom made me breakfast. She is making dinner for all of us to eat and take some home later. Truly blessed and thankful today.

I really like Of Monsters and Men too @Mountaindewed - it's one of my favorite bands - "Black Water" and "Love, Love, Love" are a couple of theirs that I love.

Loving your saltwater taffy @Blueberrybook !

@LadyShadow I've been listening to Little Talks nonstop to cope with things. I like the cabin version and I watch them perform it on Youtube too. I like Love, Love Love too.

It does seem like it was the Coq10 raising my anxiety and the B2 seems to be lowering my anxiety and depression. Why do doctors put you on 4 new meds at one time. I feel pretty good though today. Not much to complain about.

Hello, I slept good, 8 hours. Also took a nap today . I might have to talk to my psychiatrist about reducing one of my meds or changing something cause I’m tired all the time and even though I sleep well most nights I’m still taking naps in the daytime most days. I’m trying to see what I can do on my own to reduce my tiredness before that though. I don’t drink caffeinated coffee anymore cause I always over do it and it’d give me anxiety. Maybe a shower in the mornings would help along with turning the water to cold for the last 15 seconds of the shower. Cold exposure like that is supposed to be good for you for like mental clarity and whatnot too so maybe I’ll try that. I’d like to avoid doing anything to my meds because I am doing really well. So I’ll see what I can do first to reduce my tiredness and if that doesn’t work then talk to my psychiatrist. I know getting outside in the daylight first thing in the morning helps as well.

Anyway, as I said, I’m doing well. Minimal anxiety. Way less frequent dissociation and when it happens I’m usually able to stop it in its tracks now with some DBT skills. I’m sleeping well, taking my meds consistently. My mood is good. I’m a not agitated and angry and paranoid like I was for quite awhile. In general I feel really well. I’m enjoying life.

In other news I got a super high quality Yamaha keyboard (piano) from my sister. It’s gorgeous and has weighted keys. It’s a $500 keyboard, basically new, so is leagues above the really old Casio I had got for free from someone a few years ago which didn’t have weighted keys and was also super old and not great quality.

Anyway I’m excited to start using it. She couldn’t find the power cord so I found a replacement on amazon and am gonna order that next week. It also has a stand as you can see

Monday morning and I’m so tired. Been awake since 3:30am.

I’m on my third latte. It’s not even touching sides.

I hope today is a good day at work. I only teach 2 classes - one first thing in the morning and one in the afternoon. My class this morning is “alright”. My class this afternoon is quite good.

My tricky Year 8 class has about 4 students suspended today but I don’t teach them today. Whoever has them is going to have a cushy day because the boys won’t be there!

Yawn … my alarm just went off for work but I’ve been up for 2 hours!

I am on Day 11 of my stupid period! Ugh! It's not heavy bleeding, thankfully, but I am so ready for it to be over! And since my cycle tends to be a bit shorter than 28 days, at this rate I won't even have 2 weeks before my next period starts! Despite suspecting I am in perimenopause because my periods have gotten so much lighter, they have not gotten irregular or longer between. Really am tired of this but I can't go on the pill because the pill makes all the bipolar symptoms worse and practically like being WAY mixed all the time!

Waiting for H and my daughter to get home from her prom last night. She won a tiara for being best dressed to the theme of the prom (which was Tangled). I guess it was having a long light lavendar dress that did it, and she has long blond hair too, I'm sure that didn't hurt. She said she had fun on the phone, but it was hard to gauge; I'll know more once she gets home. I've been a bit lonely without H and my daughter here, but they should be home in a couple of hours.

I tried to stay in bed for a lot longer, the day is glooooomy with freezing rain. But once I’m awake I find it hard to stay in bed.

Did my pill box and some drawing. I finished the bee today that I started yesterday. It turned out pretty good. And the other book had a box. But stopped before doing the dove. Without the sun it’s dark in here and the lights reflect on the book making it hard to see.

Still need to shower but thinking of doing it n rear bedtime to help with sleep. I’m very hopeful that Call the Midwife does start tonight! Looking forward to that.

@Blueberrybook I won't go on the pill for perimenopause either - mostly because of the inherent association with breast cancer. I don't want that risk. And I take enough meds as it is!

i just finished writing a paper for school. man when i was at my previous university we had 15-30 page papers. this was 3-4. not a big deal

Hi everyone. These past two days have been alright. The weekend went really fast, as usual. I was able to get a couple of walks in, which is good because I most likely won't be able to get a walk in tomorrow or Tuesday.

One whoops moment I had is, both yesterday and today, I had some caffeine induced hypomanic symptoms. Mainly, just feeling the bipolar buzz I get when manic/hypomanic. A little irritability and restlessness too. I really do have to be careful because, when I mainly experience the bipolar buzz, my brain always wants to keep it going every day. But, in reality, I hope it doesn't trigger a longer stretch of symptoms, especially a depressive crash afterwards. I see my pdoc Tuesday so I can always talk to him about it then if the hypomanic symptoms haven't gone away. I'd probably just take an extra 12.5 mg for a couple of days to see if that helps. Oh, as I type this I realize I also had some sympoms triggered earlier in the week by caffeine. I better be careful about how much caffeine I'm drinking this week.

It's state testing this week, so a long week for teachers and students. Teachers are going to get some goodies because it's testing week so I'm excited for those. Last year, they came around with a cart that had snacks, sparkling water, and soda. The kids are given some breakfast type snacks as they arrive to school too.