Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

@Victoria'smom I'm so sorry for your loss

@raspberrytorte - Periods are the worst. I started mine too the other day (Monday, I think). I swear my PMS and bloating have gotten worse with perimenopause. I just want to be so done with periods. My last one lasted 13 DAYS! I am so over it!

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Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 My practicum clinical supervisor told me today that she is not gonna hire anybody until I take my Aswb exam in June and if I pass, she’d like to give me the job thereI’m

That's awesome news! I'm sure you will ace the exam!

@Blue_Bird Sorry you had a hard time with dissociation yesterday. I'm glad you finally took the klonopin to help. Dissociation is the worst. If I think about it, I really start panicking, but I do know I always come out of it eventually, just while I'm in that state, it can be hard. Especially when you've tried multiple things to help and nothing has.

I took about a half hour nap around 10. And I woke up feeling a lot better. I decided to get out of the house for a bit. I was looking for something specfic at the grocery stores but I couldn't find it. I did get some healthy snacks and some sourdough bread and stuff.

My mom had her yearly mamogram which always worries me because sometimes there are spots. But its just dense stuff. But she got the results back already and its normal.

My withdrawels aren't really an issue. My moods and sleep are ok. So I think the 50mg Prestiq is going good. Next Monday I go to 25mg

So sorry about everyone's struggles, you guys are going through a lot.

@MuddyBoots - really worried about you honey, the pain you're in, I hope you able to at least go to IP - maybe they can be more of help than the ER.

@Blueberrybook - you're handling those workers over your place like a champ; I would be making a fuss the whole time. Your artwork is still excellent too.

@Blue_Bird sorry you were having such a hard time recently, I don't know if I should ask if meditation or prayers help at all when you're dissociating? I don't know much about that but I thought I would ask.

@Victoria'smom - I am so so sorry for your loss.

@Nammu - Sorry about the laundry woes, I know its hard to get on top of it when it gets out of control. Is there a time you usually go when no one is there?

@Scooter9 - so sorry about the pneumonia - I had it in jail, and they didn't even know. They kind of just left me in there, thank God a guard was nice enough to notice how sick I was - it was really brutal. I hope you get better soon though.

As for me, things are going really well. I received a letter from New York State Unemployment saying I owe $600 for money I claimed 5 years ago. Honestly, I was owed that money because I was legitimately let go because of COVID at my job at the time. I could fight it, but I honestly don't want to deal with all the hassle. I have to go in front of a judge in NY, and I have no real way of getting there right now. Fighting the government always causes so much stress. For $25 a month, I can pay them off and not worry. Just so stupid to track me down like this all the way in North Carolina, for a mistake they probably made, ugh.

Things are going well with my ex, too. Emails are more frequent; phone calls are more frequent. My stress level is lower. My baptism is fast approaching Saturday too. I'm so excited.

Got so irritable I kicked a door. Not enough to damage it, but still not a great sign. I'm also really restless and struggling to focus, but that could just be cabin fever from not being able to get outside for a walk because my POTs symptoms required a rest day if I also want to get some other stuff done. It sure can be tell what is causing my emotions sometimes.

I currently have some laundry in. When it's done, I plan on packing up some clothes I don't really wear in preparation to move. I'll have to move slow to try and prevent another angry outburst.

@LadyShadow It's great to hear that you are having better days. I'm sure you're excited about your approaching baptism. It's so special to have an Easter baptism.

I forgot to write in my earlier post that this morning, I took a bad fall on one of the piles of dirt left from digging the holes. It was still dark, I was fixing to start my walk, was fiddling with my phone, not really looking where I was going. I bruised my left hand under the thumb and into the wrist, have a big bruise on my upper right thigh and a pretty good one forming on my left knee. However, I'm lucky in that I didn't hurt myself too much other than the left hand. I am right handed but am having trouble with tasks that required 2 hands and some force, like I usually pump soap with my left hand, hold my cup of drinking water in my left hand, use both hands to carry the laundry basket, etc. I am nixing my dinner plans of baking chicken in the oven and making mashed potatoes and think I am going to have to go for chicken fajitas instead. I can make that on the stove and won't need to pour out boiling water for the potatoes.

As for me, the housework is done for this week. The company will be back next week one day to do what is apparently called mud-pumping where they pump in mud around the new pipes once the dirt has settled a bit. I just have to be careful not to step in a few places that I usually might for 15 hr while the new concrete is hardening from where they had to break under concrete to get to the pipes and put in the foundation piers.

As the afternoon progressed and things started looking more normal outside (holes filled in, piles of dirt removed, dirt swept from concrete), I started feeling a lot calmer and steadier. Or maybe it's because I took the afternoon 50 mg dose of Seroquel? My concentration reading got better; I've finally nearly finished reading a book I felt I was making no progress on and starting to grasp the plot better and remember minor characters more clearly. I just feel a lot more settled.

Sending hugs @victoria’smom Just know you have a whole community of animal lovers that know how hard this is behind you letting you know it’s okay to take your time and feel like crap. How are you holding up today?

I was going at noon on Tuesday, but all the sudden there was a bunch of people at that time. This week I went at noon on Monday and there was nobody at first but then a bunch can in. Then on Tuesday I went at noon bit earlier and there was one person there. Then a bunch came in as we finished up. Today I went at 11:30 and nobody was there, but someone left their towels in the good dryer so.

So it seems my new time will be 11:30 on Wednesdays. I’m all caught up, just need to make my bed. But I keep forgetting to spray it down. I spray the bed with Lysol when I wash bedding.. and spray the upholstery once a week. Don’t know if it’s beneficial or not but it smells good.

Took my frim To marshals so she could use her card she got for Christmas. We went to a couple stores so I’m resting my back now.

Finally got my apartment ready for tomorrow. Think I’m gonna hold off a week on starting the volunteering. I got approved on Rover today to work for them too now.

I’m not going to bother any more doctors with my stomach or electrolyte imbalances. I’m just gonna see how long I can survive on Gatorade and crackers.

@Nammu I well remember days of living in apartments and trying to get into the laundry room and get laundry done. It wasn't too bad when I lived in apartments near the university I attended; all I had to do was get up earlish Saturday or Sunday morning and the machines were pretty free. But the washing room situation was terrible when I moved in with H into a pretty standard modest 1 bedroom apartment where there were way too few machines for the number of people living there. I am so grateful I have a washing machine in my garage even if I've had to deal with quite a few machine repairs.

Yeah, I miss my apartment in Texas it was big enough to have hook ups. I bought a restored washer dryer from a guy who installed them for me. $150 for the whole thing. They lasted me the 13 years I lived there. It was only a one bedroom but very generous one bedroom, with a huge walk in closet and a washer/dryer/ pantry room. It was only second floor no elevator but that wasn’t a problem until the last three years during and after my back surgery.

There definitely is not enough washer dryer s here, there’s just 4 of each. For 8 floors of people.

This morning was funny. (Pretty much as a prerequisite to getting in you have a trauma history in my apartment building) and I went to do laundry, someone was in there, we startled each other and we went: “sorry,” “sorry!” “Sorry!” “Sorry.”

@LadyShadow I actually meditate daily for at least 15 minutes sometimes up to 30 minutes a day. Sometimes it can help when I’m dissociating sometimes not. No way of knowing, every time is different. I used to pray my rosary sometimes too , I haven’t done that in awhile. Praying the entire thing is really calming. Maybe I should start that again. I still have my rosary.

I think it’s a really good mindfulness activity. And that’s why mindfulness is a core part of DBT.

Sorry you’re struggling with irritability. I get that way too sometimes. To the extent I want to punch holes in the wall. I never do though. I’m more of the let everything simmer inside till it explodes kinda person lol.

I know when I’m not able to get outside and walk or out of my apartment for a day or more I start getting cabin fever really bad too

I hope things improve June

Super excited to hear how your baptism goes @LadyShadow ! I might look through some of my old RCIA stuff tonight. Pictures from my baptism, and my other RCIA material

Edit. I just found all my stuff! I found my pics, my crosses (I have a few but this is the one I got during confirmation) and my confirmation book

My day was good, I did the treadmill and practiced violin. Also got a lot of reading in today. Finished a book. Scheduled my next violin lesson. Tomorrow is my buildings Easter brunch so I’m going to go to that in the morning. Then I have a volunteer shift tomorrow night.

Thank you everyone! I've been spending time as a family. Right now they're getting their haircut and dyed. We got here at noon they couldn't take us until 6.

Yes I am going to try to get the job when i hopefully pass my boards. im working on my final presentation. this time next week ill be done foreever. no DSW degree for me. lol

Think I’ve found an elopement company! But holy cow getting ELOPED costs nearly $4,000! Say what?!

Sang the Tenebrae service tonight. It’s all singing. I was basically sight reading as I only learned how to read the chant notation 15 minutes before the service! I made a separate post about it if you’re interested. And to think I thought I’d never sing again!

My irritability wasn't as bad this evening, thank God. It has been coming and going these past few days. I'm a little worried hypersexuality might be kicking in. My seroquel dose says I can take 12.5-25 mg so, if hypersexuality does clearly kick in or if the irritability gets worse, I'll take a full 25 mg tomorrow night.

@Blue_Bird I followed in your footsteps and found a few games for my phone: Yahtzee, Phase 10, and Uno. I'm not sure Yahtzee and Phase 10 have many levels, but it's something! Thanks for the inspiration. I think these really helped distract me from my irritability/get out of my head a bit to help things get better.

I think the antibiotics are starting to work! I'm still sick, but feeling a really little bit better.

Also, the inhalers are helping a lot. I'm coughing way less and breathing is much easier.

I'm still pretty low though, still getting used to life on just one med. I'm irritable, having brain zapps, etc. One day at a time.

Since all my bedding is in a bag, I am tempted to die if I swallow something other than water, and my apartment is just a pain to get around right now (they said get everything as far from the walls as possible so everything is in the middle and it’s like the size of an ER room and I have 5 bags of bedding, clothes, toiletries, and two bins of food and dishes and more toiletries so, yeah, not sleeping there) spent the night willingly at my moms.

It was a crappy night though. Before even 2am I woke up several times from 4 muscle spasms. After the last I’m just like, yeah, I’m gonna chug some Gatorade and a Klonopin and hope that helps.

I am loved here (by at least someone)