Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

Dissociation has escalated into panic and convinced that my meds are poisoning me. Trying everything I can to stay calm. I was so dissociated a few minutes ago while I was panicking about meds poisoning me I almost felt like I was gonna black out or something from dissociating so hard.

I have klonopin I can take but I’m trying to avoid taking it. The last time I took it was last Thursday. It helps but I know it’s not good to take it frequently.

I’m just gonna sleep on the couch tonight with my lights and tv on. I’m scared of being alone but I’m alone so I guess it is what it is. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to take my night meds tonight. I have a hard time taken them when feeling this way.

Hugs , let us know how things turn out at the ER

I ended up taking a klonopin. I did everything I could think of to help the dissociation and panic. It’s been going on for 4 or 5 hours and nothing has helped so I ended up taking one after trying everything else. Normally lately I can get myself out of it. But not this time for some reason.

@Victoria'smom I am so very, very sorry. Please keep talking to us as you grieve. We're here for you.

Potassium was low fixed that, they’re doing an IV right now. Did an abdominal CT just now. They said they want to do a brain scan because I keep confusing my rights and lefts?

Keep updating us Muddy. Worried about you.

I can see how low potassium would cause confusion. Im a space cadet when mine has gone low. But hey if they offer a scan, i would love one. They found a growth in the middle of my mother's head, too bad it wasnt her brain. But boy did she try to capitalize on that. Realistically, there was no effect.

They didn’t do it and discharged me. My ab CT was normal and they didn’t recheck my potassium (pretty sure it’s still low because my feet are still tingly and my head feels weird still and I don’t understand a lot of stuff I normally would).

A lot of you had rough days...thinking of you all!

My irritability was worse today. Still could just be because I'm not feeling the greatest, but it got bad enough today/presented itself in a similar enough way to when I'm manic, so I'm monitoring. If it keeps up and gets bad enough, I'll message my pdoc. Otherwise, I'll just do my best to manage it until I see him at the beginning of May.

I've let my anxiety win a couple of times these past two days so I need to work on that tomorrow. And, I should try to spend less time on my phone tomorrow. I didn't have much to do, and it was to hot to go to a park or something, so I spent a TON of time on my phone. This evening, I also read a bit to. I did get a walk in this morning, plus a few other things done, so that's good at least.

I think it's going to be an early to bed night for me.

I’m sorry muddy. Glad your CT was normal but something is wrong.

Jim still in hella pain too.

@MuddyBoots I'm sorry that you are in pain. When I had my gall bladder out I waited a while before I bothered to see the dr. Then I had an ultrasound that showed I definitely needed it out but I have to have surgeries at the hospital in the big city where they can handle my MAOI. So I waited months for a surgeon to have time to do the surgery. Have you had an ultrasound? It seems like i have a vague memory that a CT isn't as effective as an ultrasound for gall bladder. I may be making that up though.

@HALLIEBETH87 Congratulations! That's a great sign that you are really good at your job already. Are you going to take the offer?

@Blueberrybook Hope your drive is/was not stressful.

To everyone else, here's a hug and hope you are feeling better if you are unwell.

I fell asleep right before 8. I woke up at 1 feeling anxious. I took a valium and a visteril and a B2 and a vitamin D and I feel ok now.
My therapist is all like "we'll chat through the best way to lose weight." I'm really adamant about this one I started that my endocronolgist reccomended. My therapist is so anti weight loss and a firm believer in healthy at any size. While my doctor flat out said I'll get a heart attack in a few years if I don't get things under control now..

I've lost 7 pounds so far

I take it twice a day for about a month now. It’s for akathisia not anxiety. I haven’t noticed any ill effects.

I had an ultrasound a while ago and it was normal. The Dr. pretty much said it could be “sludgy” or dysfunctional which neither would show up on an ultrasound (or CT) but dysfunction would show on a HIDA scan which I may look into. She did think it could be psychosomatic too at some level just with eating being so stressful in itself for me.

I drank a bottle of pedialyte since last night and still have a low of low K symptoms. Gonna be fun getting the apartment ready for exterminators today and getting meds and all that jazz.

I can take it up to twice a day, my psychiatrist said. But I know it can create a tolerance and then if you need to get off it it might be hard and create more anxiety from the withdrawal symptoms of coming off it. So I try to limit it as much as possible

Good morning. I’m feeling better after sleeping. I played one of my games last night Wylde Flowers till I was tired enough to go to sleep.

It’s 7:35am at the moment, I got up at 6am. I slept pretty good. 7 1/2 hours. Going on a long walk soon downtown while playing Pokemon Go. See if I can catch any good Pokemon while I’m out.

I have an absurd amount of dishes to do. Whenever I’m dissociating for hours on end (like 5 hours or longer) like I did yesterday I kind of end up letting them go. Normally I’m really on top of them. So I’ll need to take care of that mess soon.

Good Morning.
Feeling OK today, hope the days goes quickly and well. Yesterday I had to have a impromptu meeting with my best friend and brother (my bosses) about what on paper looked to be time theft. It was a misunderstanding, which we got to the bottom of and everything is OK. I initally felt a little angry that they would think I would do that -- but the thing was they DIDN'T think I would, but couldn't explain what was happening themselves so they talked to me. Long story short-- sometimes I forget to clock out and I go back and fix my time sheet. Sometimes that doesnt save so it's showing I close up shop at X hour and logging out at Y hour. But there was a lot going for me in this case anyway. I recently asked for my hours to be scaled back. Why would ask to less hours to "steal"? lol.

But the reason it actually came up is because there's not been much communication between all of us lately and there appeared to be a moment it seemed I lied to my boss about something, which I didn't. It just caused some mistrust but it got sorted out.


Biggest gripe they had at me was that I don't look like I wanna be there sometimes (I don't), and "i'm a grown man who should know to take out the trash" [he mentioned in the beginning it was bad, but I've gotten much better at it... supposedly]-- which on any other day would have pissed me off saying it like that.. multiple times... but I explained, calmly -- A) You typically would take out my trash when you took yours. I just assumed you were being kind. I didn't realize it was a problem. As far as "being an adult who should know better'-- don't assume. I didn't even know it was an issue. You don't have to babsit me and hound me about it. Now that I know, I'll be more cognizant of it. End of story. I can't know to fix something if I don't know there's a problem.

At the end of the day though, if their biggest concern is I don't take out the trash-- we're in a good place. lol. The miscommunication colored a lot of that -- both sides have agreed to be more transparent and clearer.

I must be doing better -- because that could have easily before thrown me into a spiral. I had a good day yesterday, even with all of that. Hope today goes well. While I don't really look forward to going into work today, I don't dread it. no hard feelings and we're moving on.

My boss and I get along pretty well -- but fundamentally we are very different people. He has a hard time understanding me but does try.

Anyway, hope everyone has a good day.

I have a lot of catching up to do. Workers will be at my house again soon. I haven't been able to concentrate to read or use my SAD lamp the amount of time I was before, and I'm feeling it. I really want this work over with. I think today is the last day this week but there will be another next week...sigh.

muddy, so sorry to read you are unwell. I hope you can push yourself towards recovery even if for the time being it's for your dog walking job. You need to take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))

I cannot. I do not see anything being worth that pain I had after three bites of rotini. It’s not that crazy a food. I know it’s not Gatorade and plain toast, but pretty close.

I got back to sleep around 1:30. I woke up at about 5:45. I had 2 acai bowls for breakfast and I'm out of tums and my pepcid didn't work fast enough. Then my blood pressure got to like 140/97 but things are ok now. I'm slightly down in the dumps but I'm not going out of my mind from withdrawels like I was before and I'm not down about my health. I think I'm just a bit tired today.

muddy, it really sounds like you need to go IP. Can you go to a psych er? Sounds like you really need it.

As for me, the work continues at my house, at least the workers are outside more today than inside.

Yesterday's visit with my sister and nieces went well, but it was tiring all the same. And hard not to be in your own house all day. It really exhausted me. Plus, that infection I had is still a bit there (not too bad, but just not gone either). I think it's some sinus/upper respiratory infection that is contagious because first my daughter had it, about 3 days later, I had it, 3 or 4 days later now H has it. I'm not sure if we will make it to my mom's Easter celebration on Saturday. I don't want to get my grandmother or mom sick with this.

I slept pretty well, close to 8 hr. I took a long power walk because I am stressed and feeling the effects of not using the SAD lamp as much for several days in a row. I finally did use the lamp for the normal time this morning, and I hope it helps. Looking back, I think I was a bit mixed for a couple of days, and I hope I will start feeling more positive with consistent lamp usage. Monday, I even found myself listening to my old ED music playlist in the morning

Drawing today didn't go very well. Only 2 drawings and neither came out the way I wanted (in creative corner).

I have to catch up on the posts, sorry I don't have time to respond to everyone.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Wednesday and gets good sleep tonight!

Slept poorly again. This time had many, many dreams I remembered from waking up so much. Not so much nightmares as frustrating. I left the window in the living room open, it did help some.

Got the last of my laundry in. Went down even earlier and the place was empty. Just as I was waiting to put it in the dryer someone came in. So it will be awkward to fold clothes, the aisle is so narrow there’s no room to pass. Someone left their towels in the good dryer so I hope my towels get dry in a different dryer.

Muddy I second blueberry, it sounds like you could benefit from a hospital stay.